It's All A Masquerade

I have had an interesting week. To say the least, it has probably been my most reflective week of the year in many ways. Now, don't get me wrong, I am content to be where I am and I enjoy my surroundings and the people around me everyday. But there has been something I just could not put my finger on. I guess it is what Kathy Bates' in Misery referred to as "the blues." You know, rainy days and Mondays and all that. A lot of what I have been reading has made me very sad for the state of the church in general, and I have somewhat internalized this angst to my detriment. Another part of this moodiness has had to do with several folks in the church dealing with familial troubles of one variety or another, and this has definitely taken its toll on my mood.

I had this orientation meeting to go to at the community college this evening to discuss the grading program and other classroom technology issues. It went well and I know I will enjoy teaching the course. Again, it is a course I could teach in my sleep with very little preparation. I know it is just my mood for the week, but I wanted to cry after I left the meeting because it felt so much like home. I know I am doing exactly what I need to do right now in my life. The church has meant the world to me and has given me a new lease on life. I no longer feel that I am stuck in a place where I feel beat down and that I can't do anything else, or that I have no choice but to take it like a man cause I will be there forever. I am more than grateful for that. But, as I taught the course on worship this past July and as I began my orientation and planning for my music appreciation course this fall, I am sadly aware of how much this is a part of my being to the core. I can only say, I miss it very much.

I guess this is one of the unknown to me reasons that I have been having such a melancholy week. I have found myself reconnecting with former students who I used to see everyday, but have not communicated with in several months. (I now have over 40 "friends" on Facebook. I am a little addicted.) I guess I just needed to connect with some younger people again because I miss that SO much. Now, granted, I am working with the youth at our church now and I really enjoy that (to my great surprise), but I just miss the almost on the brink of adulthoodness of college students and helping shape them into thinking people. I am hopeful that I can make teaching a more significant part of my life again, if only in a part time manner. I hope to be an influential instructor who helps his students enjoy the subject matter even if they do not intend to major in music.

But my melancholiness reminded me of my always big concern . . . that people will see me for who I really am. And that frightens me. I think we all put on a facade, and really I don't think mine is all that veiled. But as I sat in that meeting, and remember, I have a doctorate in music, went to very good schools, and have 10 years of experience teaching in higher education, I could not help but wonder if people were looking at me and wondering "Who is this fool?" I think it was just that I was out of my element, and when it came down to it, everyone was very kind, asked my opinion (I think to the chagrin of an older colleague), and they all seemed truly pleased to have me. And I was pleased to be had. I just worry to much about change even though I thrive upon it. It is also taking me some time to get used to finding jobs based solely on my merit without the assistance of a familiar support network to fall back on. Even when I worked at other community colleges before, I always could say that I was a full-time instructor at a university and, boom I was in the club. Now, I feel like an emeritus member. Or, like an old man who talks about when he used to do something. I say this a lot, but it seems like another lifetime ago, really.

Okay, enough blubbering. I just needed to get it off my chest. I feel much better now.

I am excited about this weekend because I am hosting a Choir Fall Music Reading and Fellowship Dinner on Saturday. I started doing this last year. We sing through our new fall choral music and our Christmas presentation and have a nice dinner afterwards. This year we are singing Camille Saint-Saens' Christmas Oratorio, so our dinner is Parisian themed (the composer was French) with large visuals of the Arc de Triomphe, the Eiffel Tower, etc. It should be very nice. Tomorrow I am going to spend the day with my little angels and do something fun like go to McDonald's and play on the playground or go to the beach and vegetate. I need some not thinking time.

So, my question is: Have you visited my Facebook? Please help feed my friendship habit! I need to be loved. ; )