Well it has been over two weeks since I last ventured an entry here. Let's just say I have been busy with musical presentations at church and otherwise, finishing up the semester at the college, and gearing up to go back to Texas for a visit next week. It will be a long-needed respite from the joys and concerns of work in full-time church ministry. We are planning a long all-in-one-day drive back to Texas and non-stop family time. The highlight for me will be our long-anticipated visit to see the King Tut exhibit at the Dallas Museum of Art, thus concluding this year's Egyptian odyssey. You know, since I have not been able to travel anywhere significant in the last few years, I have to take my culture where and when I can get it.
Now that my children are getting older, it seems that more of my busyness has to do with their busyness and not just my own. Besides my choir concerts and handbell concerts (which went very well I must say), I am now heading to Christmas parades and piano recitals and school Christmas programs and helping prepare school presentations. The things we do for our children.
Since it is Advent, we talk a lot about Baby Jesus and how he came to us in such a fragile form. Of course, this talk of babies always makes us think about our own little ones and what changes they have made to our lives. Before my first child was born, I don't know how many people told me: "Congratulations. Being a parent will change your life." This was somewhat frustrating to me because I wanted to say: "I know that. If I were not ready for it, I would not have decided to be a parent." I know that this was a very arrogant, youthful thing to say, but it was exactly how I felt at the time.
And, of course, having a child did change my life. Besides the mundane watching, clothing, changing, feeding, there were more striking changes--worry about strangers, what if they choked to death, or what if they were not intelligent or musical. Well, maybe worry about musicality is not quite in the same league as stranger danger, but I still worried about it.
I think the greatest change had to do with perspective. You are not aware of how much you can love another person until you have a child. My life changed that day in 1999 when a little girl looked up at me for the first time. I never asked myself: "What am I going to do with this child?" Somehow, I knew what to do and never worried about that. But, my perspective on the world completely changed. I did not want my child to grow up in fear of what she could not be, but to look at challenges as doors to greater opportunities. I wanted my child to grow up in a world that is different than the one I grew up in. I actually began to wonder about nuclear disarmament and starving children in Africa.
I began to worry about people who were not like me. When someone disregards the least of these, I now wonder how their parents must feel. I noticed myself becoming far more understanding and compassionate, and much less judgmental because I began to notice more and more the flaws I have, often times magnified by my children's actions. And, I worried that someone might come along who would not be as compassionate or understanding to me or my children because I had failed to show the same to someone else's child. So, more often than not, I err on the side of doing what is kind rather than what is right.
This is not to say that I have mastered these more highly evolved emotions and understandings. I still have those people in my life that push all the wrong buttons in me and that I sometimes wonder when the time will come when I can give up on them. A wise person told me not long ago: "I would hate to think there would ever come a time when someone gave up on me."
All of this has gone to show me just how selfish I have been for most of my life. Children have a way of bringing this to the forefront. I now worry more that my children are happy and healthy and have what they need rather than worrying about these things with regard to myself. I wonder about those parents who never learn this lesson.
Now that I have three children who are growing up and trying their best to be independent little women, these lessons are all the more important. We are doing our best to not overload them on Christmas gifts (3 gifts were enough for the Baby Jesus, you know) but to introduce to them, through loving parents, the love of a Father who gave us the ultimate gift.
Peace on earth and goodwill to all of you.
