The Mystery of Youthful Potential

I realize that this blog has been a whining post for me for the last few weeks, so I guess it is okay to do it one more time and get it out of my system.

I have been thinking a lot about potential lately, mine in particular. I am beginning to wonder if I have outlived my youthful potential. I guess I am wondering if I lived up to it or not. Or do I still have time to live up to it if I haven't yet?

I realize that to much of the western world, I am still very young. And it is not that I feel so old, it is just that I wonder whether we can ever know if we have lived up to what we could be, or what teachers or mentors saw in us when we were youngsters.

I had too many people tell me when I was young that I was talented or smart or pretty (just kidding). And, though this was wonderful for the childhood or teenage ego, it does a lot on the adult psyche. For instance, I had this voice teacher in high school who was one of my greatest musical roll models. In fact, though I have had better teachers since, I still look to his example for my own voice students. He told me when I was 17 that by the time I was 35 I would be a tenor. Well, I am 35 now and though most people who listen to me sing would say that I am, I really think I just fake my way through the high notes. So, did I live up to this prophecy of potential? Inconclusive.

I think part of my problem has been a fear of peaking too quickly. I have blogged about this before, but it concerns me all the more the older I get. I guess there were things that I thought would not bother me when I got older. And that was just not true. Maybe I was hoping for a great shaft of light to tell me when I arrived where I needed to go. But the truth is, I don't really think it is about arriving. I think it is about benchmarks along the journey. I think at most of these benchmarks I have been where I needed to be for those times in my life. I guess I have always put far too much pressure on myself, more than anyone else did. I remember my third grade teacher (who was a chariskook) was deeply concerned for me that I put too much pressure on myself to succeed. I think I felt that if I disappointed my family by making bad grades or acting out they would stop loving me. Clearly, I was a first child and I see this fear in my oldest daughter to a degree (and so I try to convey to her that though it seems like we expect a lot from her, we love her no matter what). It is much easier to deal with it in someone else than it is to take your own advice.

This fear of peaking too early may come not from a sense of inferiority but a latent superiority. I mean, it was really an ego boost to be able to tell people I was an college professor at age 24. It was a lot of fun to be the youngest in the crowd. And maybe this is my aggravation--that I will likely never again be the youngster on the block. And maybe that is okay. Only God knows.

I am thankful that God still works through me despite my issues or psychoses. And I have plenty of them. I would be glad to give you a little dose of paranoia if you want it. ; )

Maybe I should just scream!