Breaking Radio Silence

It has been over a month since I last blogged. May 2009 is the first month in a couple of years which has gone without comment from me here. I have been in a weird mood for the last several months that has made me not want to give my opinions on anything of validity in written form.

After my trip to Texas, I have been in a funk that I have not been able to get myself out of very easily. I do not think anything in particular is wrong, nor do I think I am ready for a move. I just think I am beginning to notice things around me that bother me more than I have let on. Part of the problem is that not everything I do fills my life with meaning. For most people, this would be a shake the dust off, get back on the horse, get over it moment. For me, it is a crisis because I need everything in my life to be filled with significance. I cannot merely go through the motions of my life, I need for each event to be filled with layer upon layer of meaning.

Some of this soul searching, I am sure, has to do with the normal letdown after Easter. But some of it has to do with those things that I feel make me who I am. My semester at the community college was not good. I absolutely hated my class and I dropped more than half of my voice students for absenteeism. I am finding more and more that my classes are filled with people who have no clue. They do not read. They are not even particularly well-versed in pop culture. If it is not on a reality program, they probably do not know anything about it. I have complained about this seeming lack of knowledge skills in younger folks these days at length before, but, for the first time, I began to question my ability to communicate with young adults. I have always felt like my ability to deal with college-aged people was one of my greatest gifts. I have consistently been able to find ways to speak into the lives of people who were on the cusp of becoming. But this ability seemed to evade me this semester.

Even worse, I began to doubt my interest in music. Always having to explain why I like the kind of music I like, why I spent my life learning about it, and why I feel the compulsion to perform and teach was wearing me out. I had not felt like that since I was much younger and less assured of myself. I was beginning to think maybe I would do something else in the years to come. I was starting to look at my upcoming coursework for ordination as a means to another, nonmusical end. I have never ever seriously considered the possibility of doing something other than music. True, there was a time when I was so unhappy in my old life that I thought about becoming a postal worker. I like mail. I got over it.

But here I was, thinking it might be nice to do something else, all because I was not receiving some kind of elusive validation that I needed. This is not to say that I do not receive validation here, because that is essentially untrue. I get a lot of validation from my church members and the members of the music ministry. For instance, I had a member of my choir mention to me a few weeks ago that they worried about what would happen after I left the church. I chuckled and told her that she did not need to worry about that. But she continued, indicating that she worried about it quite a bit. She mentioned some differences between me and the former music director and then she was on to another topic of conversation. Funny thing, this was the second conversation in as many days that basically has the same content. "You are not going to be here forever. What will happen then?"

I guess I should take this as a compliment (and I did). I just did not realize that people were already placing bets as to when I might leave the beautiful emerald coast. Granted, I have never thought of this sojourn as a forever deal, but I never realized it was obvious to those around me. Maybe this is because I live in a pretty transient part of the world. Many military folks come into Panama City and leave within a couple of years for other assignments, so no one is here forever unless they are here to retire. Or maybe it is what it is and I'll leave it at that. I will worry about times and seasons another day.

In other news~School is out finally for all our little angels. Madeline finished her preschool class without burning down the building. She is a bit moody and her teachers reminded me of this often. They just don't understand. Elizabeth got through Kindergarten in one piece. She told us that she would likely never see her teacher again, but her teacher goes to church with us, so she may have been premature in telling us this. Emma took her first FCat exam and made a perfect score on the math portion. She did not get this ability from her dad. She did not, however, make a relief map of the Holy Land which was my favorite part of third grade. I will have to plan to make one with her this summer.

Next week I begin my first two classes toward ordination. I decided to try to transfer in some courses and Asbury is allowing me 18 hours of credit, 6 hours of which will go fully toward the requirements for ordination. By the end of the year, I should be half way finished with my required courses. I just have to decide how much further I want to go after I finish those 30 hours or so. I may even be provisionally ordained by this time next year. Let's hope.

Angels and Demons

I read an interesting essay in today's New York Times by Dennis Overbye regarding the relationship of science and religion. This topic is at the forefront of the movie and book Angels and Demons by Dan Brown. For much of my life I saw these two arenas as mutually exclusive or, more precisely, science was a means to bunk religion. I may no longer hold to this hypothesis, but I know many still battle with synthesizing faith and science.

Here are a couple of excerpts from the article:


"The church advertises strength through certitude, but starting from the same collection of fables, commandments and aphorisms — love thy neighbor; thou shalt not kill; blessed are the meek for they will inherit the Earth — the religions of the world have reached an alarmingly diverse set of conclusions about what behaviors, like gay marriage, are right and wrong."

"In science the ends are justified by the means — what questions we ask and how we ask them — and the meaning of the quest is derived not from answers but from the process by which they are found: curiosity, doubt, humility, tolerance."


I particularly liked this process of curiosity, doubt, humility and tolerance, and the idea that the process is just as substantial as the answer. If you would like to read the essay for yourself, a link is provided below.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/02/science/02essay.html?th&emc=th

Kingdoms

I don't know about you, but as I have written before, I do not like change very much. Granted, this is often not expressed in my life choices, but it is true all the same.

Since my trip to Texas, I have been pondering the idea of kingdom. Most of the time when I speak of kingdom, I am talking about the Kingdom of God and how it is demonstrated or not in this world. Today, I am speaking of another type of kingdom, the kind of kingdom we set up around us to make us feel significant and the lengths to which we will go to make sure this kingdom stands. I have set up kingdoms in my life to make me feel more important, whether the people around me knew they were a part of it or not.

I had a youth pastor back in the day tell me that having a "platform" was important and that I should continue to cultivate the "platform" I had created while growing up in Oklahoma. I did not take his advice, though I thought it was probably true. Even back then, God had a way of making me miserable when I did not do the things I should. God has a way of forcing me out into the world whether I want to go or not. A few years down the line, I wondered if I had done the wrong thing and considered the possibility of running back to my place of origin to recreate my lost kingdom. Of course, that kingdom no longer existed, but it made me feel so important.

The most significant kingdom I set up was the one I left three years ago. It was one of the hardest places to leave because it made me feel even more significant than the older one. I stayed longer than I should have because I could convince myself that I was affecting lives for the Kingdom, that I was doing a great work, all those wonderful godly things. But I was building a kingdom for myself. And, though God's picture was on the wall, He was not always at the heart of my kingdom, or even always a part of it. I was very angry with people, with God, especially God, for destroying my kingdom. I still toil with this one, even though I know God calls us to sacrifice that which we love most in order to be refashioned into His image.

What makes me sad, is that I know there are people who have played a significant role in my life, who are still the captives of their own kingdoms. And the irony is this: they think they are in control of their kingdom, that since they created it or better yet believe God created it for them, they are in the right to continue to cultivate their kingdom. Sometimes this means hurting other people. Sometimes it means doing whatever is necessary to defend the borders of our kingdom.

I had someone defend their kingdom from me once and I have never been hurt so much. I had no inclination to pull down even the facade of their kingdom, but questions lead to defensiveness and defensiveness leads to an attack. Attacks lead to casualties and I was one. I realize now that this was part of the process of God destroying my kingdom and I am grateful for that. It continues to be the greatest act of change that God has brought about in my life, and though I still struggle with the repercussions of it (that is what sacrifice entails) I continue to live in assurance that God is here with me on the back side of the moon. But I worry about the fall that may come to the one whose kingdom was greater than mine.

Now, how is your kingdom holding up?

The Blog Blues

If you haven't noticed, I have not posted anything of consequence to my blog in quite some time. Part of this has been because I have been really busy with Lent and Easter. Part of it is that I have not been in the mood to blog. Lots of things to talk about, but no energy to put my thoughts together. I guess I have the blog blues. Maybe I just have the blues.

Part of my problem is a lot of things are about to change around me and I never like that. Getting to know new people is always more energy draining for me and I kind of just wish I could just have people read my vitae and then act like we have known each other forever. You know, there is always that period of time in which you have to determine how much of yourself you can share with someone new. I find this a most difficult part of the process of getting to know someone, since I have to decide how much of a threat the new person is to me, and whether or not they are trustworthy enough to get to know more of me than most people know.

For example, I have a student who said I was hard to get to know. They knew my opinions on things, but did not really know me. Like, for instance, they wanted to get me a little something for my birthday last month, but had no idea what I would like. Is this weird? This student's concern was that because I have a broad base of interests and have been to a lot of different places, I may not be able to enjoy a simple gift. I think I like simple things above all, but how would they know? Is this a problem? Should I give more of myself in relationships?

My biggest problem with this conversation was that I think the people who count most to me, know how I feel about things and know what I like. Does everyone I know, or deem worthy, need to know everything about me? I think it is a matter of give and take. My closest friends did not learn of my quirky thoughts about certain topics the day I met them. It is a process. And there are some people that I feel I could never tell all of my thoughts because they would think I was evil. Maybe I am not giving them the benefit of the doubt, but I hear a lot from people, and painfully hear the subtext of too much of what people say (without actually saying it) to think that it is safe to share all of me with everyone. Is this even appropriate in a teacher-student relationship?

Even in my earlier life, I listened a lot and told stories from my life which were relevant to the situation at hand, but never felt the need to tell someone my favorite color or whether or not I like coil art (I do, of course).

Anyway, speaking of students, I went to Texas this past weekend to sing for a former student's wedding. This was the first time I had seen several of my former students since moving to Florida three years ago. I was excited and very reluctant all at the same time. There were those people I would love to see and some I could stand to wait a few more years to see. I think God must have known that I was not ready to see some folks, because they did not show up to the wedding. But I got to see a lot of people who were glad to see me and understood why I made the life change that I did. It was weird though to be back in those shoes once again. I was not completely comfortable, but tried my best to never let on.

I understand vaguely what it may be like when my daughters get married. This student was one of my favorites, and I believe, the only student that has ever gotten me to sing for their wedding. I met her in 2003 in Washington, D. C. She came in to audition for a scholarship. Immediately, she had all this personality and talent, and I just loved her. I was a young, but I felt very fatherly toward her and over the next few years she came to our house quite a bit, watched our girls, was friends with my wife, etc. We loved her and her friends. She and her little group were very difficult to leave, and I realized yet again how much of a sacrifice it was to give them up. Sacrifice is the total gift of something you love. Because of this, it made it all the harder to make this journey back in time. As long as I am here on the other side of the moon, I am too busy to face the grief. But returning, even for a good reason, was painful. I am glad I did it, but I was very glad when my plane touched down in northwest Florida again.

I do not mean to say that I want to go back, because I do not. I have found a home in the United Methodist Church and I look forward to starting classes this summer for my ordination process. I think that my mood might be better if this all had not come right on the tail of Easter. I am just exhausted from all of it really. Over the eight days of Holy Week, I had fifteen services. Absolutely crazy. And one of them was not at my own church. I sang for Easter Vigil Saturday evening at a Lutheran church. I left after an hour and 45 minutes. Granted, I had to be up before 4 am for our Easter sunrise service. And Good Friday service was all the choir pretty much, so it was a long week, followed by preparations for the wedding and travel to and from.

And you know how there is such a letdown after a big event. Anyway, I am looking forward to clearer skies and minds.

How have you been?

Jesus is an Elephant?

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Concert Wrap Up

Well, this past weekend was a marathon. Last Friday evening I had my last rehearsal for the Vaughan Williams' Five Mystical Songs before I performed them with the Pro Arte Chorale. I am glad that I allowed myself to be talked into singing these songs because it gave me a musical diversion from my normal fare. For the last three years, I have sung/performed/ministered in music constantly. I have never sung so much in my life, and that is hard to believe. In many ways it has been absolutely wonderful because, if I ever needed an appreciative audience/congregation, I have found it here. Granted, there are not a lot of exceptional performers here, especially in classical circles, so it is not hard to be one of the best. But it does make one feel good, if that is what one is seeking. But the truth is, I have gotten into a rut of singing mostly the same music, you know, for weddings and funerals, and worship music is not challenging in the least, so it was about time I did something noteworthy.

Problem is . . . it has been several years since I was really in the habit of singing challenging music, like close to ten years. The last time I gave a full classical vocal recital was in the fall of 1999 and the last time I had a real teacher was in 2000. So, I was out of practice and the choice of literature was very difficult, probably one of the more difficult song cycles I have ever performed. I mean, I would have rather performed a Schubert song cycle, all twenty songs worth. The range was not much to speak of, not much more than an octave, but the tessitura of these songs was really high for a baritone, so there was no down time. Thankfully, only four of the songs were for soloist, so I got to just listen to the chorale sing the final song.

Anyway, so I rehearsed Friday evening, performed the first concert Saturday evening, and had all my regular duties Sunday morning (three services, plus a lot of clean up/set up from a wedding the night before) before I drove to Santa Rosa Beach for the final concert Sunday afternoon. The first performance was fine, but I felt much more comfortable with the songs the second time around. I did get paid at least, so all the work was not in vain. Everyone was very pleased with my performances. One commented that the performance was like a night at the opera. Whatever. I really am my worst critic.

After the concert, I met the girls at Red Robin in Panama City Beach and we did a little shopping and came home. I never oversleep, but I was so tired the next morning that I woke up thirty minutes late. And, to top off an already zombie like Monday, I ended up having to sing for a funeral that afternoon. So 2 performances and 4 services in less than 48 hours.

The songs were based on five poems by George Herbert (1593-1633). Here is the text in its entirety:

Five Mystical Songs

Easter
Rise heart; thy Lord is risen.
Sing his praise Without delays,
Who takes thee by the hand,
that thou likewise With him may'st rise;
That, as his death calcined thee to dust,
His life may make thee gold, and much more, Just.

Awake, my lute, and struggle for thy part
With all thy art.
The cross taught all wood to resound his name
Who bore the same.
His stretched sinews taught all strings, what key
Is best to celebrate this most high day.

Consort both heart and lute, and twist a song
Pleasant and long: Or since all music is but three parts vied,
And multiplied; O let thy blessed Spirit bear a part,
And make up our defects with his sweet art.

I Got Me Flowers
I got me flowers to strew thy way;
I got me boughs off many a tree:
But thou wast up by break of day,
And brought'st thy sweets along with thee.

The Sun arising in the East,
Though he give light, and the East perfume;
If they should offer to contest
With thy arising, they presume.

Can there be any day but this,
Though many suns to shine endeavour?
We count three hundred, but we miss:
There is but one, and that one ever.

Love Bade Me Welcome
Love bade me welcome: yet my soul drew back,
Guilty of dust and sin.
But quick-ey'd Love, observing me grow slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning,
If I lack'd anything.

A guest, I answer'd, worthy to be here:
Love said, You shall be he.
I the unkind, ungrateful?
Ah, my dear, I cannot look on thee.
Love took my hand, and smiling did reply,
Who made the eyes but I?

Truth, Lord, but I have marr'd them: let my shame
Go where it doth deserve.
And know you not, says Love, who bore the blame?
My dear, then I will serve.
You must sit down, says Love, and taste my meat:
So I did sit and eat.

The Call
Come, my Way, my Truth, my Life:
Such a Way, as gives us breath:
Such a Truth, as ends all strife:
Such a Life, as killeth death.

Come, My Light, my Feast, my Strength:
Such a Light, as shows a feast:
Such a Feast, as mends in length:
Such a Strength, as makes his guest.

Come, my Joy, my Love, my Heart:
Such a Joy, as none can move:
Such a Love, as none can part:
Such a Heart, as joys in love.

Antiphon
Let all the world in every corner sing,
My God and King!

The heavens are not too high,
His praise may thither fly:
The earth is not too low,
His praises there may grow.

Let all the world in every corner sing,
My God and King!

The church with Psalms must shout.
No door can keep them out:
But above all, the heart
Must bear the longest part.

Let all the world in every corner sing,
My God and King!

Crisis of Faith

I don't know about you, or how you remember things, but I tend to remember feelings better than actual events. This can be good and bad. It is good in that I remember what it felt like to be a certain age or to have something happen to me, so I am better able to help someone who is going through a similar situation now. It is bad for the same reason. This talent does not always make the transition to my faith life. Whereas, I do remember all the crises God has helped me through, I tend to not be able to go the next step--He will help me through this present crisis. It has little to do with belief or faith in God. I think it has a lot to do with faith in myself.


For some time I have been a "fan" of Bart Ehrman's writings on the New Testament and the historical Jesus. Granted, most of them say about the same things, in only slightly different ways, but I still read most of his books when they are published. His latest book is called Jesus Interrupted, which deals with the problems found when one reads the Gospels horizontally (harmonized together) rather than vertically (each one has a theological story to tell in and of itself without the help of the other gospels). A good number of evangelicals think Dr. Ehrman is the devil incarnate. True, he does not think the same things about Jesus that evangelicals do, but I am not convinced he is evil in the flesh either. I think part of this is because some parts of his story resonate with me.


Ehrman has a born again experience as a teenager, was heavily involved in his church youth group. He eventually went to Moody Bible Institute to study the Bible and then on to Wheaton College to study English literature. I mean, it is hard to get more fundy than this. He was a hardliner fundamentalist who believe in the inerrancy of the Bible. In other words, the Bible is without error. Because he was such a good student and took to the study of koine Greek, he decided to go to Princeton Theological Seminary to study for a Master of Divinity. He knew this was a liberal seminary, but he wanted to study with the best professors. He eventually earned the MDiv and a Ph. D. from Princeton, but his belief in the Bible was not left in tact. He eventually became a more liberal Christian and then gave up any religious affiliation.


Ehrman swears his loss of faith had nothing to do with his realization that there were issues with the Biblical text--many variant manuscripts, problematic passages, etc. He says that the question of suffering, and more specifically how a loving God could allow suffering to the extent we see in much of the world, was the proverbial straw that broke his faith. He does not take issue with anyone who continues to practice the Christian faith, but for him, it does not resonate anymore.


Part of me completely understands his journey from fundamentalist to mainline Christian, from complete believer in the inerrancy of the Bible to dealing with problem passages that no one could give me a good answer to. My favorite is Jesus' statement to this effect: "Truly I say to you, this generation will not pass away until all these things take place." Did Jesus believe this or did he mean something else? Coming to terms with some of these things has been difficult. Earlier in my Christian life, this may have been a deal breaker, like the Da Vinci Code or something worse. But I began to realize that the truth was, our faith is just that--faith. If there is no way to doubt, what supernatural faith is necessary?


I remember a colleague at the Bible college complaining that a fellow professor was teaching that the Bible has errors. He was not happy about this, and gave me a "we all have to teach the party line" type answer. It bothered me that all the professors, including myself, knew that this professor was not incorrect in teaching his students that there were errors in the Bible, but we just don't talk about those types of things. And I think this is our worry with our people in the churches, that they cannot deal with the possibility that we truly have to base our beliefs on faith. I began to realize that a faith based solely on my belief that the Bible is completely accurate in all it says, causes my faith to be much more finite. This is not to say that my love for the Bible has waned. I just understand better that by looking at the Scriptures, along with church tradition, and the work of the Holy Spirit in the world today, that I see a more complete vision of the faith than can be seen by looking through the lens of only one.


But Ehrman's story does make me worry that I might end up where he is. Loving the Scriptures, but not finding life in them anymore. Getting to a point where I readily dismiss the moving of the Holy Spirit in my life. Again, much of the time, I have more faith in God than I do in my ability to believe in myself. And, part of me still fights with the inner demon (or angel, depending on your perspective) that wants me to go back into the prison that confined my ability to understand that much about God is not understandable and that is okay.


P. S.: No comments about my salvation, please. No lectures on the evils of reading things that cause you to think outside of your faith box. Long past that argument. In fact, I think doing just that can make your faith stronger, unless it was too weak to begin with. . .