Maybe You Are Not an Artist

I have long been a fan of the HBO series Six Feet Under, about the Fishers, a Los Angeles family that owns and lives in a funeral home. I am not quite sure what it is about this show that drew me to it in the first place. As I recall, I became aware of the show at a time when I had lost someone close to me, and it was kind of cathartic in a macabre kind of way. The characters are completely honest and very flawed. When I watched it, I felt like a voyeur, peering into the everyday lives of these very troubled, yet realistic people.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been in a weird state of mind, on an emotional roller coaster that tends to be the underlying script of my life at times. Going from moment of crisis to moment of crisis, trying my best to enjoy the space in between. Last week, I started to get a sinus infection, and, as much as I might want to live a nonmusical life for a while, it is always very aggravating when I am not able to function. I had to have someone else take care of some of my duties on Sunday morning since I could barely talk. So, as is often the case when I need to be quiet and get over something, I spent much of the weekend in my room watching television. Misty was supposed to be out of town this weekend, but there were mechanical difficulties with her plane and so she decided it was a sign that she was not supposed to go after all. Thank God, because I felt so bad it would have been difficult to be mommy and daddy for four days straight.

So, over the course of the weekend I watched the final season of Six Feet Under and came across this amazing scene. Over the course of the five seasons, Claire Fisher, the youngest member of the family by quite a few years, spends much of her time trying to find herself. She is in high school when we meet the family and then spends a couple of years in art school before leaving to find her way in the world. During the last season, she is adrift in this search for self and she applies for an emerging artists grant. She has no question she will get the grant.

One day, Claire's aunt Sarah, who has spent most of her life as an artist/bohemian, has come for a visit. They are sitting at the table when Claire receives the letter informing her that she has not received the grant. She is visibly upset by the news, but her aunt seems completely unmoved by the news, suggesting that there would be other grants in the future. And then she drops the bomb that went something like this:

Sarah: Maybe you are not an artist.

Claire: How dare you say that?

Sarah: Did you feel angry when I said that to you?

Claire: Of course!

Sarah: Maybe you are not really an artist because you felt anger. If you really are an artist, you'll just laugh at me. Like if you tell me that I am purple, I'll just laugh because that is not true.

How often do we feel the need to defend our choices? If we truly are something, an artist or whatever, should that fact define us so much that we laugh when someone would suggest otherwise? I have not fully wrapped my head around this yet. I know there have been times when I have defended myself when there was no point. These times come less and less as I grow up and become more comfortable with me, but the impulse is still there. Does the fact that someone questions something about you make you start to question yourself? If you really are _______ then you should know it enough to not allow someone to call into question your existence or your choice or whatever. I guess the reverse is: If someone can change your mind about who you are, then were you ever ______ to begin with?

Thoughts?

Thought-Provoking Devotional Readings

Lately, I have been reading A Slice of Infinity, a daily devotional reading distributed by Ravi Zacharias International Ministries. They are always thought provoking. Some more so than others. Here is a snippet from today's slice, written by L.T. Jeyachandran:

In this, no contemplation of the beauty and glory of God within a community
of believers can be complete without some understanding of the relationship
between the Three Persons of the Trinity. The image God has given us in the
Trinity is an image of three co-eternal, co-equal Persons giving themselves to
one another in eternal self-effacement. The glory of our God is not a
thunder-and-lighting quality, but a self-giving love within the Trinity.
And Jesus's prayer for his disciples (and us) is that this same glory may be
given to us that we "may be one" even as they are one. Is there any question why
servanthood and relationship-building is no longer an optional extra for the
Christian but essential to reflecting the glory of the Triune God?

If you are interested, here is a link to the RZIM website where you can "sign up" for a daily slice.

Losing It

Okay, so I usually do my best to keep my cool and never let things get to me publicly. Well, today was a weird day. I woke up early and ran on the treadmill. Fine. Madeline was up really early and so our routine was off. I forgot her favorite blanket, the one she cannot live without. Granted, she did not realize we were sans blanket until we were almost to church. By that time it was too late. My sister had surgery this morning, so I admit, I was worried most of the morning and not really myself. I hate being so far away for big things like this. And these last couple of days have been really busy for no apparent reason. Lots of folks bearing their souls and all and I have been kind of emotionally drained as a result.

So, I went to class at 12:30 and played a video for a few minutes and went on with my lecture on Baroque vocal music. If I have favorite topics, this is one of them. We talked about castrati and Monteverdi and Purcell and Handel. We listened to some fine music and then I went berserk (in a professional manner, of course). I noticed all along a couple of students talking amongst themselves. I usually take no issue with this behavior, at least they are engaging the subject even if it is in a negative way. But then, three or four of them started putting their heads down on their desks. I was not really happy and so I told them so.

I basically told them the following:

1. You are paying for this class.

2. If I have to be here then you have to be here and be engaged.

3. It is rude to treat a professor in this manner.

4. You can leave, but I will count you absent.

5. I really do not care if you do not enjoy this material, it is part of the class that you paid for.

6. If you do not want to be cultural morons, you need to have a cursory knowledge of music and art.

Well I left off the last one, but it is true.

I am sort of over it, but I let class out a little early because my train of thought was gone at that point. And I am as entertaining as the material will allow me to be. How often can one relate the music of the Renaissance to Brittany Spears? It is hard to do friends. I have one student who likes to get up every class period and leave to go the restroom. I want to say, "You are an adult and you can probably go before class." He also fits a horrible stereotype that us progressives hate to admit to most of the time, but that topic is for another day. I am becoming more and more concerned with student performance. I have talked about this before, but it is alarming how passive my students are. They are used to being told how to think, they watch so much television and spend so much time on the internet they have grown passive to the learning process. They think they can act however they want since the professor is there whether or not they engage in the class or are there physically at all--just like a TV or a computer. It worries me. Granted, these are not Ivy Leaguers here, but I think one can expect some sense of decorum in the classroom.

I can say in all honesty that I did not enjoy several classes I took in college, but I had the decency to skip those classes when I thought I could not pretend to be interested. Take for instance the one class I made a C in ever. I had this early morning general physics course that met like 4 times a week and did not have a real attendance policy. I hated this course because I was stupid enough to wait until my Junior year to take it and all I wanted to take were music courses by that time. So, I never went, showed up for tests, turned in my paper and did pretty well in the class until the final. All I needed was like a 70 to get a B in the class and I ended up with a C. According to the Preppy Handbook it is perfectly legitimate to earn a C in a science class. It is completely inappropriate to earn one in Music Appreciation. But several of my students may be well on their way.

Oh well, I am probably getting old and glossing over much that I wish to forget, but it does bother me that my students on the whole are not able to synthesize information very well. For instance, I try to set the music we listen to and study in historical and cultural context. I try to remember what I would have known coming out of high school and attempt to relate the music to those areas of literature, history, etc. that I think they should know. I feel like the professor in Ferris Bueller half the time. No one seems to know any of these things, and worse yet they seem to wonder what possible good there would be in knowing these things. I think this perceived apathy is what sent me over the edge today. I was just tired of it.

And another thing: What movies are young people watching today that speak to their generation? I am having a hard time figuring this one out, so help me here. I was up late last Thursday night watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off and really began to wonder about what defining pop-cultural moments they have had. I mean, we had the John Hughes oeuvre (Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club) and Bueller, Better Off Dead, et al. But what is their defining movie? Does this matter anymore? Have the youth of America become too ironic or too detached to be defined by something like a movie?

BTW: Has anybody seen my 2 dollars?

25 Things About Me

I have been tagged too many times on Facebook, so I decided to make my list of things about me available here. I have attempted to be honest.


1. I have been singing since I was three and do not really remember a time when music was not a part of my life.
2. When I was little, I had this uncanny ability to remember minutiae from my early childhood. It was really freaky. It is going away.
3. Because I can remember minutiae, I know exactly how I felt every time something good or not so good happened to me as a child.
4. I have an irrational fear of “little people.”
5. Quirky things make me very happy, e. g.: garden gnomes, a limerick, “Jesus junk,” trinkets, etc.
6. I have too many Bibles. I worry that by buying another one, I will be snatching up one that a sinner might want. But most of the ones I buy no one would want.
7. I love chocolate. It is my dark master. I especially like it in Dove form, or Godiva chocolate cheesecake, or those discs of chocolate you get at European airports, or . . .
8. I read all the time and I have an addiction to magazine subscriptions. I think right now I get about a dozen magazines and journals each month. It frightens me.
9. I have a slight addiction to the news and I cannot go a day without watching CNN or listening to NPR.
10. I drink about a gallon of water a day. It is a good habit, but has its repercussions.
11. Most of the time I feel like a big sinner. I have a lot of guilt.
12. I used to pray every night to be re-saved because I just knew there was some sin that I had not dealt with that day and Jesus would come and I would go to hell. See #11.
13. I am always on a diet or thinking about being on a diet.
14. I actually like to run on the treadmill. It is mindless and I need that for obvious and less noticeable reasons. See #13.
15. I have never been a “kid person” and so it amuses me that I have three children now. I am not afraid of these “little people.”
16. I moved around a lot as a child and so, for me, it was a big deal to move across the country to start my new life. I have come to realize that stability is in the eye of the beholder.
17. I like being a Methodist. I can be more myself. I will likely be ordained within a couple of years.
18. People think I am a conservative, but I am probably one of the most progressive people in my social circle.
19. I love to travel and have set foot on five continents. If I had the time or the money, this might be all I ever did. Problem is, most of the places I want to visit are not all that safe.
20. I love fried foods but they do not love me. See #13.
21. I love ice cream, but I am becoming a bit lactose intolerant. I am very angry about this. See #13.
22. I love to go to museums and it frustrates me that I do not live close to any good ones right now. I think it would be interesting to work as a museum director.
23. If I had another life to live, I might have been an archaeologist. I would really like to go on a dig.
24. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to not be musical, to just be a normal person. I would also like to go places and not have people ask me to sing, or lead worship, or ask me about music.
25. I have a gift/curse which allows people to be completely honest with me and tell me their entire life stories. This happens to me all the time and it is both annoying and rewarding at the same time.

God Hates Shrimp

I think this is funny. Check out this website which gives an ironic look at how some use certain passages in the Old Testament to fuel the whole anti-gay movement. I am not defending or condoning anything here, but it is interesting food for thought that we tend to take what we like and leave the rest as "cultural." And, I admit, that according to Leviticus 11 and Deuteronomy 14, I am a big ol' sinner since last Friday I went to the Japanese steak house and had me a bunch of scrimps.

Here is a blurb from the site "God Hates Shrimp":

"Shrimp, crab, lobster, clams, mussels, all these are an abomination before the Lord, just as gays are an abomination. Why stop at protesting gay marriage? Bring all of God's law unto the heathens and the sodomites. We call upon all Christians to join the crusade against Long John Silver's and Red Lobster. Yea, even Popeye's shall be cleansed. The name of Bubba shall be anathema. We must stop the unbelievers from destroying the sanctity of our restaurants."

On the "About" page, the authors state:

"The point we're trying to make is that by using the Old Testament (specifically the book of Leviticus) as a basis for protesting gay marriage, you run into a couple of problems. The first is that in the New Testament, Jesus established the New Covenant, which stated that the old Mosaic laws about unclean things were invalid (Jesus in his own person said nothing specifically against homosexuality, although Paul later attributed some remarks to him). The second reason is that if you still want to quote from Leviticus, despite Jesus' doing away with Mosaic law, then you better be prepared to enforce the whole thing, not just the parts you like. This includes not only the injunction against shellfish and mussels and such, but also against wearing fabrics made of blended fibers, cutting or shaving your beard, sowing mixed seed in a field, and a slew of other things nobody but Orthodox Jews take seriously anymore."

Thoughts?

Groundhog Day and Leaving "the" Ministry

So, it is Groundhog Day. I have never quite understood the point of a groundhog seeing his shadow. But it appears that because Punxsutawny Phil saw his shadow earlier today and so we are in for another six weeks of winter. I could have told them that and saved them the trouble of molesting that poor groundhog, but again, I wasn't asked. When will people learn?

This week marks the three year anniversary of our move to Florida. And, honestly, it seems kind of anticlimactic at this point. It seems so normal. Kind of dull really, but also very much like what home should feel like. I take this as a good sign. The family is content and no one feels any inclination whatsoever to make any changes at present. I think this is a good thing for now as well.

I have given a lot of thought to what it must be like for ministers who leave vocational ministry to do something else. Of course ministers leave full-time church ministry for a lot of reasons. I have known those who got burned out by working too long with aggravating church members, those who just got tired, and those who had to leave because they did something inappropriate and were forced to leave.

Some of my interest in this topic has been sparked by the recent documentary concerning Ted Haggard that Alexandra Pelosi made for HBO, The Trials of Ted Haggard. The documentary begins with his high-profile ministry in Colorado when he was president of the National Association of Evangelicals and quickly moves into the period following the allegations that he had issues with drugs and homosexuality. Of course, he admitted to these things eventually, and others, including a more recent report that he had an inappropriate relationship with a male intern at the New Life Church. He had to live outside of Colorado for a year, find other work, and was barred from ever entering the church he founded. It was pretty much an awful experience. He was completely debased.

Pelosi asked Haggard why he never told anyone he had these struggles and he told her that he was afraid he would lose everything, his social standing, his marriage, his children, his friends, and his church. He lost everything except his family as a result of his choices. He had to try to figure out how to live life outside of the church. I have always wondered how people do this when they have never lived anywhere else. Haggard admitted he had never been on a job interview in his life and he was really left without much recourse since he had no marketable skills.

I do not condone what Haggard did. I feel sorry for him because I understand how it feels to not want to admit you deal with doubts or anything else that does not line up identically with the evangelical ideal. I think his abuse of power was a fundamental flaw in the evangelical framework, and when someone is struggling with such deep seated issues, and really should remove themselves from the situation, it is made all the harder to deal with problems when you are the leader. I am sure many ministers deal with these issues of power and how to work out their own sins and shortcomings. But who wants to admit that we are not living up to what God wants us to be? Being placed on a pedestal, and Haggard definitely was on a big one, makes the fall from grace all the worse.

Back to my topic: How do ministers deal with normal life? Ted Haggard admitted that he had no idea what to do. I have often thought more of the changes I have made in my life than I really should have. Granted, they were big for me at the time, but when I am honest, I realize that the fundamental way in which I view myself has not changed all that much. When I look back at my old life, I was a full-time music professor and a part-time church musician. Today, I have those roles reversed, but they are still the same roles. I never stopped working within this same framework. Only the time spent with each has changed. Now, I don't want to diminish the changes I have made. They have allowed me to further get to know myself and in the process understand better my place in the world and in the Kingdom. And they have allowed me to be more honest with myself and with others, something I did not think was possible before. I digress.

So how does a minister deal with becoming a salesman or teacher or whatever? Does it mean that their calling has changed? Does it mean they never really had a calling? Is it a lull in their life plan? Does it matter? Do we place too much emphasis on the role of the "the" in "the ministry"? I am a firm believer that most real ministry occurs outside any church building, so maybe it is better when ministers are led (again, for whatever reason) to leave full-time church ministries, even for unfortunate reasons. Maybe this is a way for true ministry to happen in everyday places, places most full-time pastors could never go. . .

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