Dark Night of the Soul

It is significant at this point in my spiritual journey that an interesting new book is being published about the faith and doubt of Mother Teresa of Calcutta. I was made aware of this book in the most unlikely of ways. I was up last night watching Bill Maher's Real Time political talk show. Now, Mr. Maher is not my favorite person in the world, and he has a real problem with people of faith, any faith. He is a devout atheist and makes no bones about his disdain for the religious right and people of faith in general. I listen to him fairly often, though, because I am interested in the views of people who do not agree with me politically or spiritually. I cannot learn about the world by speaking only to evangelical Christians. (Most of them do not live in the world anyway.) He mentioned the fact that Mother Teresa had serious doubts over about 50 years of ministry in Calcutta. She often questioned whether God was there at all. After having felt a sincere, nearly audible call to her ministry to the least of these, she almost immediately felt an almost physical barrier between herself and Christ. She often prayed, but felt no response or release. To Bill Maher, this was an indication that she had figured out that religion was ridiculous. To others of faith, this is a sign of even greater faith in the midst of serious doubt. A woman on the panel commented that most people of faith had times of sincere doubt. Mr. Maher could not understand this, but he is not a person of faith and maybe he is not supposed to understand.

I feel better in many ways to know that someone that I think of as truly celebrating the life of Christ and entering into a lifetime of true ministry had sincere doubts about God's presence in their lives. I can only imagine what it must have been like for her to see the poor and oppressed every day and wonder about God's presence in the mean streets. I can only wonder about what this might do to my faith. I have long believed, and often taught, that anything that is worth believing comes with a modicum of doubt built in. Those things that can be believed without any room for doubt are things that are not worth believing in. In this new book which includes a number of unpublished letters by the now beatified Mother Teresa, she explains her real crisis of faith. And this from a person that the world would never have believed she had doubts.

Since taking my personality test last week, I have thought a lot about Mother Teresa because she was on the list of folks who had my specific personality makeup (including Luke Skywalker, by the way). I thought, "you have got to be kidding. I am nothing like her." But it turns out she and I had this one thing in common. A sincere working out of doubt in our lives of faith. Granted, mine has been on a much smaller scale, but the questioning that she speaks of is not unlike my own. I think part of my doubts stem from issues that surround my personality type, a type which seems to have a problem evaluating accomplished goals positively. I am not saying she brought this crisis of faith upon herself, but I wonder if she might have been unable to accept positively the small steps we all must take in order to get where we need to go. She wanted to be at one with Christ in his sufferings, and, in the end, she may have gotten an answer to her prayer in a way she did not expect. She may have become at one with the suffering of Christ on the cross, when he cried, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?"

My prayer is that I can be more productive even in the midst of doubt. That I can strive to look at these struggles as God's way of completing the good work He began in me. I must remember that this is a process that will not be completed until my life on earth ends. I will never arrive at a moment when I will be finished. And that is okay.

So, my question for you is: How do your doubts play into your life of faith? Have they caused you to re-examine your core beliefs? Has this been a positive or a negative experience?

For more on this story of Mother Teresa, here is a story from Yahoo! News.