Getting Ready for a Road Trip

Well, I am so glad that this week has come to an end and Sunday is in the can. Today was one of the longest days of the year. We do this special musical/illustrated sermon at church the Sunday before Christmas and it is always a good service, but a very tiring one. It is usually a nice cap to the Christmas season and my swan song for the year. The three little girls wore their brand new Christmas dresses that Mimi sent to us. We went Christmas caroling as a church this evening and that was fun, except that I am completely Christmased out.

We plan to leave for Texas earlier than Jesus awakes Tuesday morning in order to make the trip in one day. Should be interesting. We will listen to DVDs and try to stay awake. I made the mistake of purchasing a copy of "Mamma Mia!" for the girls to watch. I thought, "Abba songs are catchy and they will probably like it." They have watched it four times since we bought it Friday. I can only guess how many times we can watch it over the course of a fourteen hour trip.

I will likely be out of the blogosphere for the next couple of weeks while we are travelling.

Here's to a very Merry Christmas and a happy new year.

Parenthood

Well it has been over two weeks since I last ventured an entry here. Let's just say I have been busy with musical presentations at church and otherwise, finishing up the semester at the college, and gearing up to go back to Texas for a visit next week. It will be a long-needed respite from the joys and concerns of work in full-time church ministry. We are planning a long all-in-one-day drive back to Texas and non-stop family time. The highlight for me will be our long-anticipated visit to see the King Tut exhibit at the Dallas Museum of Art, thus concluding this year's Egyptian odyssey. You know, since I have not been able to travel anywhere significant in the last few years, I have to take my culture where and when I can get it.

Now that my children are getting older, it seems that more of my busyness has to do with their busyness and not just my own. Besides my choir concerts and handbell concerts (which went very well I must say), I am now heading to Christmas parades and piano recitals and school Christmas programs and helping prepare school presentations. The things we do for our children.

Since it is Advent, we talk a lot about Baby Jesus and how he came to us in such a fragile form. Of course, this talk of babies always makes us think about our own little ones and what changes they have made to our lives. Before my first child was born, I don't know how many people told me: "Congratulations. Being a parent will change your life." This was somewhat frustrating to me because I wanted to say: "I know that. If I were not ready for it, I would not have decided to be a parent." I know that this was a very arrogant, youthful thing to say, but it was exactly how I felt at the time.

And, of course, having a child did change my life. Besides the mundane watching, clothing, changing, feeding, there were more striking changes--worry about strangers, what if they choked to death, or what if they were not intelligent or musical. Well, maybe worry about musicality is not quite in the same league as stranger danger, but I still worried about it.

I think the greatest change had to do with perspective. You are not aware of how much you can love another person until you have a child. My life changed that day in 1999 when a little girl looked up at me for the first time. I never asked myself: "What am I going to do with this child?" Somehow, I knew what to do and never worried about that. But, my perspective on the world completely changed. I did not want my child to grow up in fear of what she could not be, but to look at challenges as doors to greater opportunities. I wanted my child to grow up in a world that is different than the one I grew up in. I actually began to wonder about nuclear disarmament and starving children in Africa.

I began to worry about people who were not like me. When someone disregards the least of these, I now wonder how their parents must feel. I noticed myself becoming far more understanding and compassionate, and much less judgmental because I began to notice more and more the flaws I have, often times magnified by my children's actions. And, I worried that someone might come along who would not be as compassionate or understanding to me or my children because I had failed to show the same to someone else's child. So, more often than not, I err on the side of doing what is kind rather than what is right.

This is not to say that I have mastered these more highly evolved emotions and understandings. I still have those people in my life that push all the wrong buttons in me and that I sometimes wonder when the time will come when I can give up on them. A wise person told me not long ago: "I would hate to think there would ever come a time when someone gave up on me."

All of this has gone to show me just how selfish I have been for most of my life. Children have a way of bringing this to the forefront. I now worry more that my children are happy and healthy and have what they need rather than worrying about these things with regard to myself. I wonder about those parents who never learn this lesson.

Now that I have three children who are growing up and trying their best to be independent little women, these lessons are all the more important. We are doing our best to not overload them on Christmas gifts (3 gifts were enough for the Baby Jesus, you know) but to introduce to them, through loving parents, the love of a Father who gave us the ultimate gift.

Peace on earth and goodwill to all of you.

Atlanta for Thanksgiving

So, this past Wednesday morning I had a funeral--the first I have done in several weeks. This has actually been a low season for funerals around here, so far at least.

Well, we left for Atlanta in the mid-afternoon on Wednesday and got there fairly late that night. We got caught in some holiday traffic that we were not expecting, so it took us a little longer to get to our hotel. It was really nice. We stayed at the W Hotel Midtown which had a wonderful view of downtown Atlanta and was just down the street from several things we wanted to see while we were there. When we pulled up, the valet took our car and we had a very nice bellman with a British accent named Jason who helped us with our luggage and was our all around flunky for a few minutes. He definitely earned his tips when, after being out for most of the day on Thanksgiving, he called us by name when we returned to the hotel. Misty was very impressed. We stayed on the fifteenth floor of the hotel and it is one of those hotels where the rooms all have floor to ceiling windows. The 3 little angels acted like they had never seen anything quite so wonderful. I forget that we really do live in a small town and they rarely see a big city.

Thanksgiving Day we slept in late and decided to go look for something for lunch around 11:30 or so. Well, every restaurant that was anywhere near our hotel was closed for the holiday. So, we decided that since we could not find a place to have Thanksgiving lunch, we would go on to the King Tut exhibit and take our chances there. Well, we had borrowed a GPS system from our youth minister at the church and we used it to find our way to the civic center where the Tutankhamun: The Golden King and the Great Pharaohs exhibit was to be held. When we pulled up, there was not a soul to be seen. I got a little worried since we had paid a pretty penny for these tickets. When we got to the other side, we saw several cars so my worries went away. We had timed tickets, but because of the holiday traffic for the exhibit was slow, we were able to go in early. We did finally get to have lunch at the "Cairo Cafe." We had bowls of chicken noodle soup and some sandwiches. Kind of sad, really. After lunch, we went through the 90-minute exhibit which was very nice and well worth the time and money to get there. The girls did very well, even the little ones. They did not sit on anything which was a blessing. When we went to see the Hatshepsut exhibit in Fort Worth, Elizabeth, who was three then, tried to sit next to a sphinx that was like 3800 years old. Scary. After the exhibit we saw a 3-D movie about Egypt. This was probably the girls' favorite part. We then found a park for the girls to run off some excess energy and then we were off to dinner.

For dinner we went to Benihana. The irony of spending Thanksgiving dinner at a Japanese restaurant, like the sad folks at the end of A Christmas Story, was not lost on us. Since it was Madeline's birthday, they sang for her and gave her a hat made of balloons. She did not know what to think of the experience. We had not been to Benihana in quite some time, maybe once since we left the Dallas area, so it was kind of nostalgic for us. We asked for Pab, our favorite waitress. Not really.

Black Friday we went to visit the High Museum of Art which was just a couple of blocks from our hotel. The place was a mad house of activity. Their big exhibit now is the Terracotta Warriors that were buried in the tomb complex of the first emperor of China. The High Museum is very nice and the exhibit was great. We spent a good bit of the morning and early afternoon there and then we decided to do the unthinkable--we went to the mall. I have made it a tenet of my religious faith to never go to the mall on Black Friday. I remember now why I made that vow. We drove to the suburbs, to Alpharetta to go to the American Girl Store and to look for a purse for Misty. I had promised to buy Misty a Dooney and Bourke purse if Madeline finished potty training before her third birthday. Well, she did, so it was time to pay the piper. We found her a nice purse and it was even on sale, so I lucked out. We let the girls ride the carousel and then we were off to the other side of Atlanta. We found another park for the girls to play in and then we went to Pappasito's Cantina for dinner. We have not found a Mexican restaurant we really like in Panama City so we were in need of a Tex-Mex fix.

We really liked Atlanta and felt very at home there. I really feel at home in a city and miss the conveniences and the faster pace of life. I know that some day we will have to move back to a city for sanity's sake. I miss having cultural outlets, if nothing else. I am sure we will visit there more often.

Saturday morning we left for home. We had a nice time and a much-needed getaway before the Christmas season officially began today. I have something every night of the next week. What joy.

On a much sadder note, on our way back from Atlanta we found out that a person who is close to some folks we are close to took their own life Saturday morning. We did not know this person, but the repercussions of this act will definitely be felt around us. This is never easy, but it is just horrible at this time of the year. So many questions. Please pray for the family.

Hope

It has been twenty days since my last blog entry. Things have been fine around my part of the world, but increasingly busy as we near the Christmas season. I loathe the lead up to Christmas, but everyone seems to love it so much that I hate to be a party pooper. Tomorrow I have a funeral to do in the morning and then we will be off for our trip to Atlanta. I am really looking forward to some time away, even if it is only a couple of days. Sometimes just a change of scenery is enough to put a new perspective on life.

Over the last couple of weeks, we have been potty training young Miss Madeline. Misty took off a day of work at the beginning of the month to help jump start her pottying progress. I do not know what it is about my children, but none of them have had little issue with the sensation of wetting themselves or otherwise. They were just as happy as a lark to stay that way forever. So, Madeline has been the same. I tried to reason with her at first. "Why would you want to live that way?" It is difficult to encourage a toddler to look deep within herself for answers to life's puzzling questions. Well, as the weeks have progressed she has been very successful at home and at her preschool. She will turn three on Thanksgiving Day and we were determined she would be trained by her birthday. She has given up diapers and her pacifier in a short span of time. Thank God for small miracles.

In other news ~ These have been turbulent weeks for our country. The election season finally closed with Missouri being called for Senator McCain, though it was severely anticlimactic since over 8.5 million more people voted for Obama and he was well on his transitional way by last week.

I have been thinking a lot about HOPE lately. Hope was Obama's catch-phrase during the election and clearly resonated with voters at a time when the country appears a little hopeless. Now, whether or not I believe he will be able to deliver all the things he says he will is beyond the scope of this entry, but at the very least he was able to strike a chord with many who were in need of a little hope. I think one of the saddest things for me during this past season was just how void of hope the Republican campaign was this year. I do not want to denigrate McCain or Palin, and much has been written and discussed about the problems of their campaign and why it failed, but I really think the main reason was that they missed this strong need for hope that Americans have been crying out for. I remember Sarah Palin in her speech at the Republican National Convention railing against hopemongers and all the Messianic attributes attached to Barack Obama. I seem to remember something about a winged horse from heaven or something to that effect. I thought it was a pretty good speech.

I guess my problem is that so many evangelicals cling to the Republican party as the standard bearer for God and country that to hear the person that many look to as the salvation of the Republican party denigrating someone basically because their message was hope was the last straw for me. Here is the crux: We as Christians are meant to give hope to the world. The light of Christ brings hope into the world for all people. We are to be the bearers of this hope. Hope is one of the big three: faith, hope, and love. Is there anything more Christian than to offer another person hope? Take Obama and anything overtly political out of the equation. What is wrong with hope?

I understand that many see Obama as an anti-Christian leader because of his stance on certain social issues. I am not going to deny any of these issues, nor will I bring up any of the myriad of social issues many Christians could care less about. But I wonder if it is ever right to denigrate hope or to say that hope is something to be scoffed at, something for naive idealists.

I admit that I am an idealist. It is one of my greatest strengths and one of my greatest weaknesses. I want to believe the best about people and I am often disappointed by them when they do not live up to what I believe they are capable of. But I am hopeful that soon our country will be on better footing throughout the world, that we will begin to come together in a way that we have not in a long time.

I am also hopeful Christian leaders will stop talking about the good old days when everyone was white and went to church. Truth is, more people attend church regularly in 2008 than ever before in the history of our nation. Maybe these are the good days, we just don't recognize them. Maybe we just need a little hope.

P. S.: Just so it is completely understood: I do not think Obama is the second coming. I do not think Sarah Palin is a moose-killing hatemonger. I do not think McCain is a hateful old beer distributor. But I do think Focus on the Family may just be a little bit divisive and here's why . . . .

Who Knew I Lived in a Blue State?

Well, it seems like something happened last night. I can't quite put my finger on it. Oh yeah, the world may have changed. I am pleased to be able to say I got to vote for the first African-American President. I must admit that I am still a little stunned that our country has grown up enough to elect someone who is not an old white man. I cannot imagine what it must feel like for African Americans across the nation to be able to truthfully tell their children that one day they could be president. I don't think I ever thought this would happen in my lifetime. But to see all the civil rights leaders with tears streaming down their faces in amazement, it was truly a moving moment. I am just glad I was able to witness it.

It is interesting, but it appears, at least from my analysis of the election returns, that many Republicans left Mr. McCain high and dry on election day. I may have this all wrong, but back in 2004, George Bush won 51% of the vote for a total of 62,040,606 votes (286 electoral votes). John Kerry won 48% of the vote for a total of 59,028,109 votes (252 electoral votes). Now the returns are still not at 100%, but if you look at the preliminary numbers, Barack Obama won 53% of the popular vote with 63,607,129 votes (349 electoral votes as it stands now, but I assume he will end up with North Carolina's 15 votes for a total of 364) and John McCain won 46% of the popular vote with 56,218,351 votes (163 electoral votes as it stands now, but I assume he will end up with Missouri's 11 votes for a total of 174).

The difference between Bush and Kerry was 3, 012,497 votes. The difference as it stands now (with 97% of precincts reporting) between Obama and McCain was 7,388,778 votes. So, looking at these numbers, Obama beat Bush's popular total by over 1.5 million votes. McCain's total was under Kerry's by just over 2.8 million votes. So the total difference as it stands now is about 1.25 million less votes in 2008 than in 2004. Granted, some votes have not been counted yet and the numbers will change slightly over the next month until they are certified, but this is significant considering how many pundits kept talking about how so many more would be voting this time around. I wonder if it was Independents who stayed home or if it was conservatives who did not trust McCain to be truly conservative.

And, shock of all shocks, I now live in a BLUE state. Granted, I live in one of the reddest counties in Florida, and I have already been shunned once today. McCain carried my county with 70% of the vote to Obama's 29%. I guess it is irrelevant now how my county voted. I do have an Obama pin and bumper sticker that will go into my box of memories but, unfortunately not on my car. Don't want to get shot.

Election Day 2008 ~ Do Conservatives Have More Fun?

There was an interesting article in the New York Times today about the differences in the way conservatives and liberals view humor. Maybe liberals are humorless?

Here is a quote:

“Conservatives tend to be happier than liberals in general,” said Dr. Martin, a psychologist at the University of Western Ontario. “A conservative outlook rationalizes social inequality, accepting the world as it is, and making it less of a threat to one’s well-being, whereas a liberal outlook leads to dissatisfaction with the world as it is, and a sense that things need to change before one can be really happy.”

Happy voting! Here are a couple reminders of the past election season:

UPDATE: Thanks, Tim, for this new picture.

All Saints Sunday Should Be My Birthday

So we took the girls to the church's annual "Trunk or Treat" Friday evening. It was fun and I got to take Madeline down the slide several times (see above). The girls went on a hayride and got enough candy for me for the rest of the year. And that brings me to my first confession of the day: I think I have gained 5 pounds, so I started running again. I had become a slacker, which is all too easy for me, and I forget that my metabolism will not stay up forever unless I shake my groove thang or whatever. So, after church today, which was filled with remembrances of church members who have passed on, handbell playing and choir singing par excellence, I came home, had lunch and ran for 45 minutes. I am finding that this time around, I am not in as good of shape as I was the last time I ran, so I am feeling the burn hours later. The joys of being a fatty and not wanting to end up with diabetes or a club foot or whatever.

As I write to you I am enjoying the best day of the year, the day when we Fall Back. It is the best day ever. The only thing that is not good about it is that evening comes so quickly now. It is amazing, but here in northwest Florida, we are so close to the dividing line between Eastern and Central time (we are about 45 minutes west of the line) that darkness falls inordinately quicker here than it did in Texas. No joke, in Texas the summer days would last until after 8:00 p. m. Here we are lucky if it is not completely dark by 7:00--in July! So, the dark days are worse it seems. Maybe I just have to find something to complain about. This is a blog after all.

I am finding that my funk has lifted, thank God, and as long as I keep on running, I am sure it will stay away for some time. The dark passenger averted for a time. My children are no help here. Emma is getting to be such a mini-adult it really bothers me. We spent an hour at Justice for Girls in the mall while she tried on everything in the store and ended up with a pair of jeans, a jacket, and a couple of shirts courtesy of the elder Mrs. Keaton's gift cards. In some ways it is a lot of fun that she is growing up. She told me she knew who I voted for today. I asked her how that was possible and she told me that I never talk about John McCain, so she deduced I had voted for Obama. I told her that it really was no one's business who I voted for, but I did say it was about time a black person became president. It was interesting because she mentioned that it would be a first for an African American to become president, but that if McCain won he would be the oldest president and we would have the first woman Vice-President, not just one but two historical firsts. I did not have the heart to tell her that the one so far trumped the other two, at least in my opinion. Anyway, I am a big ol' frickin' Democrat so how do you expect me to vote?

I just finished up playing and singing with the children's "choir" here at church. A small aside: I do not mention my political leanings at church for fear that someone may think I am a socialist (like the early apostles), or I want to spread the wealth around (yes, please, give the wealth to me), or that I just might be a baby killer. And don't get me started on the issue of greedy capitalism being equated with loving Jesus. I am not going to even say it. I heard a funny, but sad quote Friday night from Bill Maher (which proves I may be the Antichrist) that went something like this: "Barack Obama spent 20 years in a United Church of Christ which proves he is a Muslim. John McCain spent most of his life avoiding going to church which proves he is a Christian."

I have come to the realization that in less than 2 days the election will be over. I do not think it is a lock for Obama. I mean, George Bush got elected twice (really only won once, but hey, let's not bore you with facts) and he was behind most of the election season. Even the exit polls appeared to show John Kerry winning (thank God he did not). I will likely be unable to rest until I know who won, and I pray that we do not have another 2000 and not know for months who "won."

For as happy as I am today, I sure sound cranky tonight. Sorry about that.

May God bless America, all of it, including the parts that are not really America. I think it may be beyond praying that everyone can just get along, but I am going to try it out anyway. God is bigger than all of this, I just hope Christians can be "big" about however the election ends up. I am not holding out much hope.

Peace.

All Hallows' Eve

Today may be the Devil's day, but it has so far been a fitting end to a week that started very weirdly for me. I am in a much better mood now that I have solidified our Thanksgiving plans. It looks like we will indeed go to Atlanta for the holiday and see the King Tut exhibit and visit the High Museum of Art. I miss museums and I want to torture my children with them for a little bit. And it gives me something to look forward to and I think I need that right now.

Speaking of children, Emma and Elizabeth got their first report card of the school year this week. Emma got a certificate for making all A's, the first time in her life she has been graded with ABC's instead of E's and S's. She is a smart little girl and does well in school, but is more of an over-achiever than a genius (she is the first child). She reminds me of myself. She puts all too much pressure on herself. She has meltdowns in class and her 3rd grade teacher had to have a talk with her about needing to find the fun and not worry so much. My 3rd grade teacher told me the exact same things, with the exception that she was a fundy and told me God was displeased with my inability to give it all to Jesus. Moving on.

Elizabeth's first report card in Kindergarten was chock full of "surprises." We understand that the two children are very different. Night and day have as much in common. Liz is a smart girl too, but her interest in education is not what Emma's is. Part of this, I am sure, has to do with their birth order and their place in the family. When Emma was born, we took her to museums and all manner of cultural events. She went to a very structured preschool and then to a very good Kindergarten class full of other teachers' children. Then we moved and things here are very different. We sent Elizabeth to the best preschool in town, which happens to be at our church. But the emphasis of most preschools around here is on social interaction rather than on academic achievement. Elizabeth has the social interaction part down, in fact she has really flourished socially since we have been in Florida, especially considering how introverted she is. What she lacks is the patience for the book learnin.' I am sure she will come around eventually, and she really did not have a disastrous report card by any stretch of the imagination. It's just we never saw any of those grades from Emma (or from Mom and Dad for that matter).

But the truth is, neither Misty nor I can completely understand what it is like to be a middle child. Both of us were the first child of our respective parents (Misty was adopted and was the second child in her family unit, but the first child of her biological mother) and played that role in our families. Because of that, there is often an interesting dynamic in our present household because both of us are in charge. But for our little middle angel, it is hard for us to grasp what it must be like to be compared to another sibling. And she was still very young when Madeline came along, so she had very little time to be the baby and our move to Florida did a number on her more so than any of the other children. There were times when we would pull up to our house, and mind you, she was not yet 3 years old when we moved, and she would say that she wanted to go home. When we explained that we were home, she would say that she wanted to go back to our real home.

That dilemma has long since passed, but understanding her quirks has been a great challenge because she really does not act like either of us parents. Not really. I mean, I am really an introvert, but I have pretended to be extroverted for so long that most people are still surprised to find this out about me. Maybe she acts more like me than I want to admit. Hmm. Anyway, I do wonder whether or not having an additional little one made it more difficult for us to give her the attention she needed early on. Some of her low spots on her report card are things that I think we let slide because we had enough to worry about without bothering to correct her grammar (or we thought it was cute). I am sure she will catch up soon enough. I just want to be fair with all of my children and make sure they get the same advantages or experiences. Granted that is not completely possible, and neither of our younger girls will ever know what it is like to be the only one. At least she is pretty. Enough.

Tonight we go back to church for our annual "Trunk or Treat" event for the children. It was pretty cold the first few days of the week, but it has moved back into the mid-70s so I guess it will be a shorts night. We will pass out candy and all that fun stuff from the back of our van. When we were still in Dallas, I had two vans pull over at two different gas stations (on two different occasions) and offer to sell me some speakers. I guess I looked gullible. But you should hear those speakers now. Sweet. Just kidding, and sorry for dropping the "sweet" bomb. I should be punished.

Peace.

Voting for That One

Ever since I got sick a few weeks ago, I have been in a funk. Not an out and out depression, just a blue time. Part of this is due to the fact that we are nearing the holiday season and since we moved to Florida this is not a particularly happy time for me. December is still fine. We are so busy with concerts and events and church activities that we don't have time to consider much else. And, we always go "home" for Christmas. But Thanksgiving comes so close to December that there is really no way for us to make another trip in that short of a time. We have begun to do things on our own, and the first year we were here people invited us over, but it was not the same. The food was different than our traditional fare, and so we have bowed out gracefully ever since. This year it looks like we are going to visit Atlanta for the Thanksgiving holiday. A new King Tut exhibit opens there next month and we thought that would be interesting and a diversion right before the Christmas season begins.

Confession 1: I early voted last Thursday. I stood in a relatively short line and was finished in less than 20 minutes due to the fact that I had already decided who to vote for, wrote down my votes on a post-it note, and just went in and filled in the ovals. Florida's governor extended early voting hours this week because of the great turn out. Who knows what that means. Everyone on TV says it means something else. I posted that I had early voted on my Facebook page and it started a little uproar. I said "Yippee for Democracy" and several people decided they needed to make sure I had voted the right way or just make a joke. I enjoyed the jokes. As if voting for "that one" was somehow completely inappropriate. I also read on a "friend's" profile just last night that anyone who voted for Obama must be an idiot. I have heard so many negative things about the man this week that I want to throw up. I am so ready for this to be over. I recognize that the divisiveness will not go away any time soon, but at least the race will be over.

I have heard comments like "We are giving our country away." It reminds me of the 1992 race when Clinton won and the evangelical world was all in an uproar. Our country was somehow irredeemable. It seems to me that we also went into a period of great growth and reevaluation within the conservative movement in general and with the religious branch of that movement in particular. So, it may be that we will see some better things come out of the church if we will be willing to put politics aside and begin to care about what is most important for the church to care for--people, seeing Christ's kingdom built in this world, and preparing disciplined spiritual warriors. So, just maybe, the church is about to experience something wonderful no matter who wins the election. And, if the future follows history's model, an Obama presidency and a Democratic Congress will likely lead to a Republican majority in 2010. So, give it a couple of years and then let's talk. Unless, of course, he is the Antichrist. But we will likely know if 3.5 years or so. Unless, we are believers in a pre-tribulation rapture, then the Christians won't be here much longer, say only until January 19, 2009. (This is not a prediction, this is sarcasm and should be read as such.)

Confession 2: I went to see High School Musical 3 last Friday with the family. I never go to the movies. I don't care to be with other people that much, but I admit I wanted to see the singing and the dancing. It was a fine little movie and my children loved it. I think it is interesting how many musicals there have been made into movies lately. It begins to make me wonder if Hollywood knows we are in for a recession. Think about the number of musicals made during the 1930s. There was a reason for this: no one wanted to think about real life, they wanted to escape it. Personally, I like the HSM movies, but since I have had children I have joined the cult of Disney, so my reviews may be tainted.

Confession 3: I had the weirdest conversation this past week. A woman who is really involved at my church came into my office to talk about some things and noticed one of my diplomas on the wall. She commented that it was from Oklahoma and mentioned that she had lived in Oklahoma several years ago when she first got married. It ended up she worked at Quail Springs Mall at John A. Brown (a store which has not existed since about 1986) and lived near the mall and went to the same United Methodist church that my grandparents attended. It was surreal and brought back a lot of memories for me.

It is funny, but since I moved to Florida my memories of Oklahoma have gotten better. Maybe living in Texas was part of the problem since Texans do not care much for Oklahoma. It could also be that over the last few months I have been put in contact with several old friends from Oklahoma, many of which I have not seen or spoken to in MANY years. It has helped me to put a gentler spin on my memories. I am beginning to remember more of the positive things, which is a new trick for me. I have come to understand my father's fascination with his hometown a little better. He and my mother grew up in a place that for him was idyllic (I don't know that I would go so far as to say my childhood was idyllic, but go with me on this one) and he always enjoyed going back to visit, even though the town had just about dried up by the 1980s. He would have never moved back, but it was an idea I think he probably entertained at some point, maybe just out of nostalgia.

I have no desire whatsoever to move back to Oklahoma any time ever, but at least I have begun to think more positively of my growing up there. And that is not to say that things were unduly difficult for me while I was growing up, not any more than any adolescent I suppose. But I feel there is something to be said (whether subconsciously or otherwise) for how little contact I have had with most of the people I grew up with. Maybe most people grow up, move away and go on with their lives. I know that almost immediately after I graduated from high school, I lost track of most of my senior class (as most people tend to do), but I think the difference is that many of us had been together for many years in a very contained environment. Maybe that made it all the more profound and significant for me to relinquish that lifeline so quickly after having it for so long. But that has been the pattern for my life since then, giving up those things that I thought were precious for something better but scarier.

[Okay, I admit that I was in a funk when I saw High School Musical and with that surreal conversation about Oklahoma City following so closely after seeing it (and a bit of high school-like intrigue at the community college last week), these were my thoughts. I am insane.]

Peace.

Returning to Form

So, I have been out of the blogosphere for some time now. I had a week or so where I felt just awful. I had a sinus infection/allergy episode and for a few days I could not talk (which was nice). People always wonder what happens when I get sick. The truth is I feel like I am going on a short vacation.

So, to catch up for the last couple of weeks: Two Sundays ago we had our annual Children's Sabbath in which the children are "in charge" of the Sunday services. Now, I do not remember a whole lot of it, even though I was heavily involved this time around, because I was overly medicated from the above mentioned sinus episode. Emma got to lead the Call to Worship and sang in a little group of girls. It was hard to hear Emma because one of the other girls was a mic hog. All in all it went well. I asked our worship team to help play for the children and it made a big difference (much better than having me play solo).

I have a confession to make: Much of the time I really think of myself as a patient (in public) person, but I had a really bad episode of impatience around the first of October. I have mentioned that the first day of class in August I went to class and all the students had a new textbook--one that I did not have. I got over this pretty quickly, but I have come to realize that it may have been festering more than I wanted to admit. Well, three weeks ago, I went to the college and went to borrow a key (I have since gotten a key of my own, but that is another much more mundane story) to get into the studio where I have been teaching every Friday for the last year and a half. When I opened the door, I quickly realized that there was no piano in the room. I was not happy and one of the other faculty members said she would have a piano moved in immediately. I said it was not a problem and went into a practice room for the day. It turns out that "my" piano had been given to another instructor who was new this semester. At the end of the day, my last student commented that she had heard that many of my students would be returning to their previous teacher in the spring. Now, if you recall, I took on several additional students to help out the college because one of the other instructors had to have an emergency triple bypass. Well, it turns out one of the faculty members went to visit him in the rehabilitation center and told him he could have all of his students back. She was trying to be nice, but she kind of put me and the student who told me this information on the spot. The poor girl felt bad because she thought I knew about it and she was also a little worried because she did not really know the man she had been promised to. This was the same scenario for all but one of the five additional students I picked up. Well, I was not happy and with three things to aggravate me, I decided it was time to send an email requesting clarification of our policies. It was nice, but clearly indicated my displeasure at finding these things out in a second-hand manner. I never realized how passive aggressive I can be. Everything within me said: "Just shut up about it and everything will work out." I did not listen. Everything did work out, and it was probably a good thing that I was able to communicate some of my frustrations before they became actual issues. The next week, my conversations with the faculty and the students helped to clarify that there was no problem at all. Those students who wanted to stay with me could. I got another piano moved into "my" studio, etc.

Now, here's why I feel bad still. The man that caused all of this discombobulation died a little over a week ago. If I had listened to that inner voice and left bad enough alone, there would have never been any issue. Death has a way of closing the door. Oh well, I will get over it. I just feel like a person. I hate that.

Speaking of my students: I have mentioned this one student before who is very articulate and able to discuss deeper topics with some acumen. She is very conservative, as I have mentioned before and she is really having a struggle coping with life at the secular community college. Most of the people there are very nice, but even the Christians "act like the world" according to her. She thinks there is nothing to set them apart. She mentioned some students that I know well and know to be committed Christians, and she said that "you would never know they are Christians." She will likely end up going to a very conservative Christian college soon because she cannot deal with being around worldly folks. I cannot say how much she reminds me of myself at her age. She is too old for her own good. She has great difficulty understanding and relating to people her own age. Part of this is because she was home schooled and part of it is because she comes from such a conservative family (no pants, no dating, etc.). I hope she will be okay.

I wonder how on earth I was able to remove myself enough from my conservative past to go to real universities. I mean, everybody was a "sinner" when I was in undergrad. When I was at SMU, half the campus was gay or bi-curious, everybody was a drunk (at one time SMU was VERY high on the list of preppy party schools), and the ones who were in the theological school likely did not believe in Jesus's existence, let alone his divinity. It was a beautiful place, and I learned to flourish as a conservative Christian in that environment. I began to learn for the first time what I actually believed, what I could leave behind as cultural biases, and what I might need to pick up. Granted, it was not over night that I was able to make some of these distinctions, and it would take several years before some of the things I learned would come to fruition, but at least I was able to step way outside my region of comfort in order to learn some lessons that I could not have possibly learned if I had remained confined to my evangelical bubble.

This student also mentioned something striking to me that reminded me of a couple of my former students. She said that she did not feel that she was complimented enough at the community college. She mentioned a former teacher who was very hard on her, but was also very complimentary so she felt like even though she was not performing to her potential, at least the teacher thought she had potential. In my mind, I was immediately taken back to my office on the fourth floor of the administration building at Southwestern almost ten years ago now. I had these two students who were probably two of my best students, one of which basically took my place at the college when I left. They sat me down one day and, dead seriously asked me what they needed to do for me to be complimentary of them. In their estimation they did everything I asked of them, but I never seemed to be completely pleased. At that time, I told them that I was pleased with what they were doing, but I knew they were capable of so much more and that when they started performing on that level, then maybe I would be more complimentary. Truth is, I very rarely remember my voice teachers every being all that complimentary of me. I knew they thought I was talented. I would not have been in their studios if I was not. They always pushed me to be better. It did not mean I was not any good, it meant there was still more room for growth. I think I would have been suspicious of a teacher who was too complimentary. As for my students, I have a high bar because I know what is truly good (and how rare I actually hear it). This came up again today when another student mentioned that before she ever met with me, she asked one of my other new students what to expect when meeting me. He commented that I listened to him sing and then said "Okay" and that was about it. I guess more people expect to hear a "Wow" and maybe I should work on that. How does this sound: "Wow. That was mediocre."

How much do we need the approval of others? I like to think I don't, but the truth is I keep much to myself for fear of what others will think. Take politics for example. I am only honest here. I rarely mention my political leanings to anyone because I get these horrified looks that scream, "I thought you were smarter than that" or something worse like "and you call yourself a Christian?" So I have pretty much kept to myself for the last couple of months. I get tired of hearing about how Obama will bring about the end of the world or that God's reputation will forever be besmirched if Obama wins because it means Christians could not pray hard enough. I was going to go and vote today since early voting started in Florida today, but the line was too long when I went by the election board this afternoon and I did not want to carry Madeline with me into a long line.

And finally, today is Emma's 9th birthday. It is hard to believe what has happened in the last nine years. I have been to several different countries and moved halfway across my own country. I have moved further toward the center of the theological spectrum which continues to exhilarate and frighten me. I have seen craziness take hold of both ends of the political spectrum and the division in our country become so large that I wonder if we will ever be able to agree to disagree without vilifying each other. Maybe I just want my conservative compatriots to still love me and not vilify me now that I have become a liberal.

I have come to realize that my early-life pessimism couched an optimism and wide-eyed idealism that causes me such grief when I hear people spouting rhetoric full of hate when they are really good people and should know better. I have learned that it is hard for most people to be sympathetic toward people who are not like them and see them as people and not just as a group (the poor, the gay community, another ethnic group, whoever). I may feel compassion for the poor and the oppressed but that does not necessarily mean I want to live in the same neighborhoods where all the drive-by shootings occur and where it is easiest to find drugs. I have learned that people are capable of great love and great evil, and that these forces are all too often at work within the same person. I have learned that even though I can talk about these things in a rational manner, I still fall prey to the same forces that I so detest in others. Maybe this is the reason they bother me so much. But I have to continue to believe the world can be a place of wonder and joy, a world that is full of adventures that I want to share with my children.

I have to believe this world can exist.

A Sad Day When God is That Small

A week or so ago I heard this on the news and it bothered me. Then it appeared in my email this morning and I thought I would share it.

When did God get so small that He cannot work if the President is not a Republican? When did we get so angry with each other that we cannot even agree to disagree over politics? What happens if the one we think is the bigger sinner wins? Does that mean God failed?

Passionless Existence?

So the last week has been another week full of weird thoughts.

It is a little ironic that immediately after writing my last blog about all things political, I had an encounter with my music appreciation class. The story goes something like this. This young woman, whose neck and political leanings are red, came into class and asked me if I liked Obama or McCain. I was noncommittal so she went on to describe this website with all of these jokes about Obama. This led to an "interesting" altercation of sorts between several of the students. It was congenial, but this same young woman commented that she might move to Canada if Obama was elected president. I did not have the heart to tell her they have universal health care and are much more socialistic. Someone else commented that Canada was getting hard to immigrate to. Then the other young woman dropped the bombshell. "I am afraid that Obama is the Antichrist and that all the stuff in Revelation will come to pass if he is elected." There was silence and nervous laughter when much of the class realized she was not kidding. She did tell us it was not because he is BLACK. I told her, after I picked up my mouth off the floor, that if Obama was indeed the Antichrist, then we needed to pray that he would be elected in order to bring on end times events. Then everything would be better.

I had this interesting conversation with an African-American student who has grown up in a military family and has been primarily home-schooled for much of her life. She is articulate and well-versed in current affairs. She is one student with whom I am able to have an intelligent conversation about politics or other pertinent topics. She is a Baptist. I have no problem asking dumb questions. We talked about whether or not the black man can get a break. She talked about how difficult it is for her to communicate with others of her race since she has been socialized primarily with Anglo-Americans and has been well-educated and has no interest in pretending to be something she is not. What struck me was how much she was like me when I was her age: pro-capital punishment, extremely pro-life, hates fags, thinks inmates want to be in prison, etc. I did not say much, but in the end I told her that I used to feel the same way, until I realized that I was a sinner and needed people to be compassionate toward me sometimes. It is hard to be pro-life when it is fine to send people to the electric chair (many of whom are people of color, so don't get me started). I told her if we were to be pro-life, we needed to be interested in dealing with poverty and improving educational opportunities for the poor not just preach on about the evils of abortion (which, are many, I agree). I also told her that it is easy to be in favor of capital punishment until you meet someone who has had a member of their family face the death sentence. Things look different when they have a name and a face.

I received an email from a "friend" of mine who is what one might call a Messianic Christian. She is a Gentile who absolutely loves Israel and thinks that we all should love Israel just as much. She is very opposed to any concession of land to the Palestinians because God gave Israel that land. When we worked together, it was difficult for me to be completely neutral because I have visited Israel and the West Bank and see the plight of the Palestinians. It is also hard to explain that one can be both pro-Israel and in favor of human rights for the Palestinians. Well, God help us, Sarah Palin, in the vice-presidential debate last Thursday mentioned that the two-state solution was the only solution to the Middle East peace process. Well this friend is devastated.

My point is not to deal with the political ramifications at the heart of the Middle East peace process. What struck me, and has always struck me about this person, is how passionate she is about Israel, often to the extreme. I have at times thought she sees things where nothing exists. But, come what may, she will stand by her strong-held beliefs, beliefs that she feels follow whole-heartedly after God's plan for his chosen people. Whether she is right or wrong, I will leave up to the Lord to judge. It is neither here nor there.

I just have to ask myself: Is there anything in my life that I am so passionate about that I am willing to walk off the proverbial cliff for? Is there anything that I believe so strongly that I am willing to give up everything to follow after it?

I hear the sound of crickets chirping as I think about it. I wonder what the ramifications of a passionless existence truly are. Granted, I was willing to drop everything that seemed important to me in order to make the biggest change in my life to follow after God's calling. But that was yesterday. I wonder how often we need to reevaluate how we are doing in the passion department. Every year? Every month? Every day? Hourly?

In other news:
I received word that I had been accepted into the Master of Arts in Theological Studies program at Asbury Theological Seminary and I will begin classes in January 2009. I guess I am excited. I will be taking a course on campus in Kentucky in January and then I will take a couple of courses through Asbury's distance education program.

I am looking for money. Any givers? My new ministry will be called Christian Academics Studying from Home. You can make checks out to C A S H.

Separation of Church and State?

I heard this minister on NPR the other day talking about how he was encouraging his congregation from the pulpit to vote for John McCain. And, better yet, he is playing chicken with the IRS. It sounds like he wants a legal battle to redefine the nature of tax exemption and what religious leaders are allowed to discuss in their houses of worship. His argument centers on the idea that the IRS regulation in only about 50 years old, while the 1st Amendment is 220 years old and therefore more binding. Thoughts?

"Ask Me About My Divorce"

These last few weeks have been some of the most worrisome that I have seen in a long time. I realized Friday that I was absolutely in a frenzied state of mind. I have this mellow professional persona that belies a passive aggressive tendency. See, I can take a few not-so positive things happening in the world around me, but lay on several more and I begin to see conspiracies. This happened to me Friday, and I will not go into the specifics, mainly because they are ridiculous and would make me look like a moron if I spelled out what led to my psychotic break. Things are fine now, but I am beginning to see that I might need to be more honest about things that bother me than to passively say they do not until twelve things pile up and I have an aneurysm.



As everyone in the world, I am concerned about the crisis in the financial markets. I have no money, but I always thought one day I might. Maybe not. Some people told my wife yesterday they could not vote for Obama because Democrats are socialists. Only Republicans stand for democracy and free market enterprise. I thought this was funny, considering that Congress is debating a bill to bail out Wall Street from a very Republican president that sounds very socialistic to me. I thought Republicans were all about personal responsibility. This bill does not sound very Republican to me. Dear God, does that mean President Bush is a socialist? Okay, there go the conspiracy theories again. It is also striking that the same person who told her Democrats were socialists was also opposed to Obama's idea of making community service a more integral part of high schoolers' education. This at a school that requires parents to log in at least 20 hours of volunteer service to the school each year. The question comes back: "Would you have a problem with an idea like this if John McCain had thought of it?"



It is just funny to me that we hear what we want to hear. I have heard people say that at the debate Friday night Obama kept talking in circles. I wonder how many times we needed to hear about the surge from McCain to make his point clear. Point is, they are both politicians and they will say what they think needs to be said to stimulate their voters. And has anyone noticed that McCain has gotten considerably more conservative over the course of the last two years than he ever was before? I remember thinking he might be the devil in 2000 because he was not very kind to the religious right. So, it is difficult for me to hear him talk so pretty about Jesus when I am not convinced this is not a political ploy.



So what is it with evangelicals? It is like some kind of Pavlovian response. We hear somebody say Jesus is their homeboy and then we tune out the rest. That's enough. He passes the test. I am frustrated by my tribe. I think I may need to move to Oregon. I guess I wish people would spend more time educating themselves than waiting until the last couple of months and then looking for the key things to check off the political list. Pro-life? Check. Pro-Marriage? Check. Pro-Jesus? Check. Pro-Corporate Greed? Check. (Sorry about that last one.) At least with McCain we do have the option of looking at his long legislative history to discover what the man believes, not just what he has said over the last couple of months. And, not to leave Obama above the fray, his record on some things that are very important to evangelicals is checkered at best, and absolutely frightening at worst.



I plan to leave any substantive discussion of those VP candidates until after their debate this week. I am scared of both of them. Someone asked me what I thought of Biden when Obama announced his running mate. I told them I thought Biden was a loud mouth, that he did not always think before he spoke, and might cause problems for Obama if he said the wrong thing. I am still waiting to be proven wrong on this one. I mean, give me a break. He said FDR got on television to calm the nerves of the American public right after the Wall Street crash that led to the Great Depression. Okay, Roosevelt was not even president and who had a TV in 1929? There is no excuse for that.



No one has asked me what I think of Sarah Palin, I think because her background is in the Assemblies of God and most people who know me know I was once in that great fold as well. God love her, she is really cute and I love to hear someone from the great white north talk, dontcha know. I particularly enjoyed her interview with Katie Couric, the she-devil, asking Palin about foreign and domestic policy issues. And what was that bizarre comment about Putin flying over Alaska and all that talk about trade missions to Russia? Funny. I kept wishing she would say "I can see Russia from my house!" I think she will be well rehearsed for the debate and will surprise a lot of people. I just hope Biden does not have his foot surgically implanted in his mouth.



A friend was blogging about grace the other day, and in the course of his article he mentioned that divorce tends to be a sticking point for many Christians. They have grace for everything else except divorce (and homosexuals, but that is not the point here). I come from a fellowship that had a strong stance against divorce. None of the ministers could be divorced, until recently when the General Council allowed for pre-conversion divorce. I always wanted to ask which conversion this meant, since I was always of the mind that one sin meant I had to get converted all over again. Anyway, I never got the idea that the fellowship believed divorced people were not called by God to do ministry, they just could not do it in the Assemblies of God. The great concern that I heard in debates about this topic was that we would be descending to the culture to admit that divorce was an issue that affected as many churchgoers as it did non-believers. Again it goes back to the idea that we erroneously hold to that some sins are worse than others.



Last Wednesday night a man came to church with a button on that read: "Ask me about my divorce." I didn't. Part of me wondered why this man would be broadcasting this to the church. The other part of me thought it was just weird to air one's dirty laundry that way. I wondered about social boundaries when maybe I should have been worried about the individual without said boundaries. I guess I am working on grace myself.



And last but not least: You might be interested to know about Bill Maher's new movie Religulous which sounds to me like a scathing diatribe against evangelicals and other extremely religious groups. Here is the New York Times review of the movie. I kind of love and hate Bill Maher. He is completely anti-religion (he thinks anyone who is religious is incapable of rational thought) which bothers me a lot, but he makes me think more than most. So I have to give him credit for that. I am not suggesting you go see this movie. I won't. Granted, I don't think they show socialist, Democrat movies in Panama City.

Great Expectations

OK. This one may make me sound like an old goat, but here goes:


I have talked about this some before, but it keeps coming back. Since I started teaching again at the community college, I have noticed some trends that remind me of my days at Southwestern, and have shown me that the trends I noticed were everywhere. Or at least in my little portions of everywhere.


The problem is one of expectations, and what students coming into my class expect from me as their instructor. I am usually a fairly compliant teacher. I make study guides available for all exams on my Facebook page. I also post all of my lecture notes, so students really just have to show up, take their exams, and be done with it. I think this is overly kind of me to make these available to them. But, I got complaints that they were not easy to find and that they were unsure what the test covered and you get the idea. Most of them were fine, found their study materials and that was the end of it. And, most of the students who took the exam (only one student in the class of 38 did not show up for the exam) made a B or C (there were several As by the way, just not an overabundance of them). I think this is pretty good on the average. You know, making the Bell curve work for me.


Here it is: Back in my day, I would have never had the audacity to ask for, let alone expect a study guide for a test from one of my professors. We read the book, studied our notes, and hoped we would have studied the things the professor was "looking for" on the exam. When I was in graduate school, some 13 years ago, I had a professor tell me that students are consumers and they expect a lot for their money. I know she was right. But this leads me to another issue that I noticed early on in my teaching career. Not only do students expect their professors to do a lot of the learning for them, or maybe better put, make the learning as easy as possible, they get this from their high schools. It is a shame, but our high schools are doing a fine job of teaching test-taking strategies, but they are not doing a good job of teaching our children to think creatively or otherwise. So when they would get to me, I had to do a lot of reteaching. This is especially true in math and English where we have section upon section of introductory algebra and reading strategies because students did so poorly in school or on their entrance exams that they cannot place into college-level courses. Back in the day, these students would not have gotten into college at all. Maybe that was not a bad thing.


Don't even get me started on how much like pulling teeth it is to get students to answer questions in class. They do not read their books, of course, but even questions they should know the answers to, I get blank stares. If it is not a question about a reality TV program, I might as well forget it. I asked the class how many of them read books, and I got a couple of hands raised. When I told them the week before I had read like three books, they told me I must have been really bored. I was, but that was not the point. I will stop.


And, speaking of test taking. I read today in the New York Times that many universities are fed up with the test-taking monster that has been created by companies making money off of high schoolers who want to get the best SAT or ACT scores. These universities are beginning to look more fully at entrance essays than at SAT scores and GPAs. (It was ironic that a member of the church asked me to read her daughter's entrance essay just last night. I read it today and gave my feedback, for what it was worth.) If you try hard enough, you can play the exam and win a great score. Don't get me started on how these services are unavailable to people in "ethnically challenged" areas and so their scores are lower because they do not have the privilege of going to a test prep workshop. I will stop. And, since GPAs are weighted so differently depending on what types of courses one takes and what kind of community service one does, this is not always as good an indicator of academic aptitude as it might have once been.



OK, so I am an old goat, and I know people were complaining about the state of the educational system when I was in school. But hey, I was playing Scripture scramble in Miss Guy's class, so I had no idea. Can I just tell you how much it amuses my wife to tell stories of some of the Fundy things we used to do at my Christian school. She just smiles and says "They don't do that at a real school." Oh well, at least I learned to read. Now the math . . . not so much. But I never see them using math in the Bible, so I must be okay.

PS: Does anybody remember building Israelite houses out of sugar cubes in 7th grade Bible class?

Sunday's Are Special

Friday night I got my wish and we went to Target. I bought the first season of Pushing Daisies on DVD. I absolutely love that show. Gotta love that Kristin Chenoweth. I remember this time back a hundred years ago when then Kristi Chenoweth had just finished singing a song at a performance in front of the stage curtain and could not find the middle. She kept going a little further to the right, and then, looking panicked, would look back at the audience and smile. This went on for some time before she finally made it backstage. Funny what you remember about people you kind of knew before they were famous. Granted, it was 1982 and she was like 13 years old. Back to the point, I am beginning to question my fascination with death-related television series. At least this one is cute and almost wholesome. I used to mock people who were overly interested in death. Have I become that which I once mocked?

Saturday we went nowhere. Literally.

Sunday, started out with a major stressor. Several of my 8:15 choir members called Saturday to let me know they were sick and would not be available to sing Sunday morning. It would not be so bad, but that choir is already on the small side to begin with and when a few key singers are out, it makes for a big problem. So, it ended up I had to come up with a solo on the spot to fill the choir's void. It went fine and all things on Sunday went as planned after that. Except that I forgot we had this AED training to go to so that if someone needs to be shocked back to life, we would know how to listen to the machine tell you what to do. Interesting.

I spent much of my time at church this afternoon preparing to meet with my children's music group. They have very little discipline and it drives me crazy. I have to discipline at home and I really do not want to tell other people's children to be quiet or the devil might come down the stairs and eat them up. My children know to be aware of the horned and hoofed one.

So, after spending the evening with my children's "choir", I decided to go to Wendy's to get something for dinner. I don't care for Wendy's because every time I go there they get something wrong. This time was no exception. I waited in line for close to 20 minutes, which was fine. I was having a lovely time listening to someone on NPR prattle on about water and why it is stupid to drink bottled water. Don't get me started on how "green" people think they are acting when the drink bottled tap water. I digress. So I finally got to the pick-up window, when I was told that they had no Diet Coke. I asked the young man at the window why it was that I had been in the line so long and had never been told that they were out of what I had ordered. No real answer. I asked for my money back. A few minutes later, he brought me 50 cents. I asked if this could possibly be how much my soft drink had cost. And he told me it was indeed how much it cost because it was part of a value meal. I gave him the 50 cents back and told him to have a drink on me. He laughed and told me I was funny. He also called me Dude. I drove off. I think there must be a quota of "special" people that Wendy's has to meet in order to stay in business.

And now, the week begins again.

Not the Oldest Dad, Thank You

So, after a not so interesting day Thursday, I had to go to Emma's open house at school to meet her teacher. I barely got there in time. Our babysitter was running a little late and so I got there after the teacher had started into her spiel about schoolwork and all those fun third grade things. Emma's teacher likes her and told me basically that she has my over-achieving disease. I told the teacher that I was bad about putting too much pressure on myself, especially as a child. She said she was the same way. Anyway, it was a moment.


But I noticed as I was looking around at all the other students' parents that I was actually one of the younger ones there. This is a bit off-putting to me, because I always feel like I am old to have little children. But the school where Misty teaches and Emma and Elizabeth attend is one for overachievers, and most overachieving folks wait till they are older to have children. This is a ridiculous post.


This morning I had a funeral at the church. A funeral on Friday is horrible because I teach all day at the community college on Fridays since that is my day off at the church. So, I had to do a little rearranging of my schedule to be able to sing at the funeral in the first place. I rescheduled one student to come to the church on Thursday, and she never showed. Twenty minutes after she was supposed to be there, she called and said she was lost. I gave her directions and she still never showed. I hope she is not still driving around downtown Panama City after 27 hours.


Well, the family wanted a concert for this funeral. I think as I get better known in town, people want to hear more of me at these events. Lately, I have been averaging three or four songs per wedding/funeral and it is wearing me out a little. Not just that four songs may be too many for a funeral, but they were really high songs. Everybody asks me to sing Josh Groban songs, and I am sorry, but they are difficult. I guess I should be flattered that people think I sound like a 20 year-old. So, I had to sing that horribly sad "To Where You Are" and "The Lord's Prayer" and usually I feel good if I just have to sing one high song. Oh well, it went fine, but I had to immediately leave when the funeral was over and rush to the college to teach the rest of the day. No lunch, nothing to drink. Just pain and anguish for several hours. I think I need to plan better.

I hope to go to Target tonight. It is sad, but that is my favorite place to go. I have not been in weeks, and I feel deprived. And, yes, we look ridiculous in that picture.

So, I Finally Read "The Shack"

If someone tells me I should read a book I usually don't. Maybe this is because I think too much of myself. If I have not heard of it first, it must not be that great since I keep up with the world. Well, I missed this one. Over the course of a couple of weeks, it seemed like so many people were asking me if I had read William Young's The Shack. I had not, and when people explained it to me, I was horrified and was completely unsure why anyone would like this book. Then a friend read me portions of the book (my cell phone bill this month was higher than normal, thank you very much) and I decided I needed to hunt down a copy. I borrowed one from a friend at church and read it in a couple of days. It was amazing in a way that I do not frequently admit.

This book deals with some very sensitive issues, about how God the three-in-one loves each member of the Trinity and how that love should be lived out in us. It talks about forgiveness, how to forgive those who have done terrible things to us and those we love, how to forgive ourselves, and, maybe most importantly, how to forgive God for things we really do not understand but still blame him for. The ideas of relationship, and how we should know God and how He wants to be known by us are at the forefront of this narrative. Most of the book is a conversation with God. How great it is to think that God is "especially fond" of all of us.

There are many in the evangelical community that have been extremely critical of this book for teaching some new ideas about God. Remember, this is a novel and not a theology book. There are things about the book that are weird and pleasantly off-putting, but it so thought provoking and sincere that I think it is worth a read. I think I will have to buy myself a copy so I can read it again. It is definitely a more post-modern take on how God communicates with us and how we share in God's life, and many who think in a more modernist manner will have significant problems with this, especially how the members of the Trinity are represented. Just remember, it is a novel, a work of fiction.

But, it is striking to me that right before I read this book, I found this quote on a blog called Rude Armchair Theology:

Good theology, when codified, legislated, and ossified, can very easily shackle, choke, or smother the gospel. This is idolatry, and the devil finds it delightful.

I think The Shack is really interesting and gives us some old ideas in new ways. If for no other reason, it was worth reading because it reminded me there are still things I need to forgive myself and God for. I have to be willing to give God that one last thing that hinders me.

Random Thoughts for Thursday

"I've done everything the Bible says - even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!" - Ned Flanders

I watched a couple of movies last weekend that gave me weird thoughts.

I watched that Helen Mirren movie The Queen, about the week after Princess Diana died in 1997. I had forgotten how this affected the British people and their reaction to Diana's untimely death. I wonder if I am weird that no one has affected me in this way other than family and close friends. I mean, when people ask me who I most would want to meet in the world, I get slack-jawed. I guess I have no heroes. Are people's lives so empty that they need someone that they don't even know to fill the void? Painful.

I saw that very sad movie "The Trip to Bountiful" on TCM the other afternoon. I don't know of a much sadder movie. I remember going to see this back in the 80's at the only movie theater that showed art movies in Oklahoma City. You know, the synopsis is that this old woman (Geraldine Page) wants to go back to visit her home in Bountiful, Texas but her son and daughter-in-law won't take her. The daughter-in-law is hateful, and won't let her sing hymns to herself around their small Houston apartment. So, she runs away and takes the bus as far as she can get only to find no one left in the town and the friend she hoped to visit was buried the morning before she arrived. She just wanted to go home. It meant so much to her. I think about myself and my circumstances and I truly believe "home" is where my family is. I can't imagine having such a love for a place, as many do, that they just have to get back there. It did not take long for me to stop thinking of Oklahoma City as home after I moved away. Every time I would go back, it seemed that much was the same and much was totally different. I think we expect that our lives go on, but no one else changes. Sad.

"Personally, I don't have the guts to follow Jesus, so I often settle for being a Christian."

I have come to wonder if I am not the "opposition" wherever I am. It seems that theologically or politically I find a way to be different than most. When I was still teaching at the college, it seemed that I focused this need to be different on theological positions. Now that I am amongst more like-minded theologians, I find that my need to be different focuses on the political. Am I getting to know myself better or am I just being the "opposition" because somebody needs to be? Scary.

I had a current student, who happens to be a Christian and a musician, comment on his Facebook that his music class (my class) was boring and that he only wanted to play music, not learn about the history. Of course, his comments came up on my Facebook homepage and so I commented in a very nice, yet tongue-in-cheek manner about his comments. He laughed, and then seemed to be worried that I was offended.

First, why is it that we think posting to the internet is somehow anonymous and private? Ignorant.

Second, why is it that we do not think about others' perspectives before we say something that could easily cause offense, especially when we are supposed to be followers of Jesus? Childish.

Truth is I was not all that offended because that was my lot in life, trying to find the fun in teaching students who just wanted to play worship music and had no desire whatsoever to learn about music in an academic fashion. I had another one of those enter my office today, a young woman who sings a little like Whitney Houston and I have to tell her her lessons are supposed to center on perfecting classical vocal technique. Priceless.

There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." And one says, "This is new, and therefore better."

Amen.

O Be Careful Little Mouth What You Say

I think this is a funny video and really goes a long way to show just how hypocritical we can be here in the U S of A. It is significant to me that when someone we respect, politically or otherwise, does something we disagree with, we are very quick to forgive them. But, when someone we disagree with, either politically or because of faulty life choices they have made, we are very quick to judge them. Maybe our pundits and leaders should be careful what they say in these days when it only takes a few moments to bring up a video of exactly what they said last week, last year, or whenever.

Feeling Isolated

Well, since my last confession, I have sat at home for 3 days straight with my poor little angel. Wednesday, when I left her with Misty, Madeline had no fever. But later that afternoon, when she went to the doctor, she had spiked up to 104.7 F. Scary. So, I stayed home with her Thursday and she seemed to be getting better, until she broke out in hives. So, we stayed home Friday and they got worse. That poor child is so tired of taking medicine all the time. Looks like we will take her back to the doctor on Monday and see what else we can do. It is not dangerous or contagious, just frustrating.

It did give me some time for quiet reflection, which is nice, and so I guess I should look at the bright side. I read a couple of books, one on how the states got their shapes (not as interesting as it might sound) and a book on medieval heresies (even less interesting than it sounds). I am still reading the latter and stuck in a chapter about the Cathars. I am interested in this stuff but even I am bored.

I had an interesting thought dropped into my head the other day by a special friend. In much truncated form, he said:

I sometimes wonder if any experience, practice, form, etc. that keeps us from discovering Him (and consequently ourselves in Him), no matter how "right," is, in fact, wrong.

I have wondered about this possibility for some time, especially since I started working for a well-established tradition-minded church. How many things do we take part in that are really superfluous to our walk with Christ? How many things have become so endearing to us, but no one outside of our tradition or in the world would have any need for them? It does not mean they are wrong, it just means they are unnecessary.

But what happens when these fine in-and-of-themselves things start hindering our ability to get to know God better? Is it time to stop and re-think? Problem is, sometimes we are so afraid of what lies beyond the door of our tradition, that we are unable to function as we were intended to function. And, sometimes, we slough off one form of godliness to take on another. Or, as a wise person once put it: "The only real risk here is that you trade one set of boundaries for another."

This is one of the greatest concerns I have for myself in this process of becoming ordained. I have moved beyond the door of one tradition to find my way in another that appears to be more freeing (for me, at least), but has the capacity to be as great a hindrance to my getting to know God and myself in Him as the former tradition did. I guess I do not want to get caught up in doing the right thing so much and find that it was wrong all along. I know this is where God wants me for now and I love the idea of a new adventure in academia (as a student this time). I am probably over-thinking this one, but that is my best trick.

Please pray for us (me). I am all alone in a house full of frustrated little women--two who need to get out of the house, one who needs to stay home, and three who need to get out of my hair. Does anyone have any xanax I can borrow?

It Is Official

I received word last night that I had been approved as a certified candidate for deacon's orders. I wasn't exactly worried, but it is nice to know that it is official now. Now I get to complete the process to enroll in seminary and vomit my way back to school. At least I am already half-way through since I already have a Masters degree. I just have to get the rest of my transcripts together and that will be that. In many ways I am looking forward to taking these classes, but I am a bit fretful about how this return to school will effect my current life.

Nothing else significant to report, with two exceptions: First, I have my first worker-related injury. I was setting up handbells last night and I jammed my right ring finger. It is nice and black and swollen even this morning. I never realized how much I use that poor little finger until it hurts to move it.

Second, Madeline woke up this morning at 4 AM with a fever, so I get the joy of staying home this morning until Misty can get a substitute for her class. Wednesday is a bad day for me to be sitting at home, but I guess I should enjoy the respite for a little while. She seems to be doing better now, but we cannot take her to preschool when she had a fever, and it could be that her medicine is working. I am hopeful this is not a portent of things to come this fall. Madeline has been so healthy this summer and I really do not want for her to start getting sick again. Pray for her.

At some point I will have interesting things to talk about, but lately it has seemed too tiring to put my thoughts together in a cohesive manner. I have been reading some significant things lately, and one day I will get to sharing them.

Peace.

A Week With a Holiday is Like . . .

Well, it has been over a week since my last confession and much has happened in my little world. One of the main reasons I have not confessed lately is that I have been without internet access at home for the last several days. So, today, I bit the bullet and bought a new computer to replace the antichrist that I was using. So, I am back in the blogosphere and just a little poorer for the journey.

Last weekend we drove over to Okaloosa Island to attend the Greek Festival put on by Saints Markella and Demetrios Greek Orthodox Church in Mary Esther, Florida. It was fun and is a reminder of the bigger one we used to go to in Dallas. I absolutely love those Greeks and it is an opportunity to have some good food and let the girls dance to some wacky music. I have this love for the Orthodox Church and wonder if I still might not end up there someday. Who knows?

I have been absolutely crazy this last week or so. I got this message early last week that one of the other voice teachers at the community college was going to be out all semester due to a triple bypass surgery. It was an emergency procedure and so there was no way to plan for it. I have taken on some of his voice students in order to help out in a crisis, but I am afraid it will drive me bonkers. It will be nice to have the money, but I will not be able to do this next semester. I am planning to take a course or two to get started on my coursework for my ordination and I can't do this with so many extracurriculars.

We have spent much of the last two weekends waiting to see if we would have a hurricane. Fay completely passed us by and Gustav went way to the west. So, we spent all this time indoors and did not get to make use of the holiday at all. It is always aggravating to me to lose a Monday since that is the day I get the most accomplished. And having to condense the week into fewer days is not really a vacation to me.

I had a meeting with the District Committee on Ordained Ministry today. So, as of today, I am a certified candidate. I have been amazed at how well this process has been going. But, if I ever wondered whether or not God has a sense of humor or whether He was interested in my life, I know it again today. One of the ministers who interviewed me today was a graduate of Southwestern, my old home. I was flabbergasted. He knew several people that I knew. It is always odd to find another used-to-be Pentecostal in the United Methodist ranks.

I also got a call from an old friend today. Everything was as it should be. I am thankful for those friends I have that I don't have to speak to everyday in order for the relationship to remain fresh. I think he just wanted to know that I was still me. I hope I did not disappoint.

More to come . . .

I Knew the Day Would Come

OK. So, I had this dream where I get to class and the students pull out their textbooks and none of them have my textbook. Or it is in Russian and I can't read Russian. Or something down this road.

Well, it happened yesterday. I got to class early and noticed students pulling out a book that I have never seen before. When the previous class ended, I went in and asked the teacher if the book for my course had changed. She told me it had, and, with a disgusted expression, she commented: "No one bothered to tell you, did they?" I told her no one had. It is kind of funny because I had just taught the course in the Summer session that ended only a couple of weeks ago and we used the textbook I had used all year long. I will get over it, but I had to hustle to find enough information to get me through until the book company sends me a copy of the book and all the listening materials to go with it. I ended up buying an online subscription to the text so I can at least be prepared for Wednesday's class meeting. It is not the worst thing ever. I have used an older edition of the book when I was teaching in Texas, so at the very least I am somewhat familiar with the format. Oh well, it made for an interesting first day of class.

I completed the book Post-Charismatic? and I think I may have to write Rob McAlpine and tell him that he wrote this book especially for me. I am more determined now than ever to embrace my heritage and continue to seek the Holy Spirit in a way that I was afraid to attempt just a few months ago. I am thankful that as I begin to feel a change in how I feel about my past, and how it pertains to my present (one might call this a mellowing out period), God brings something into my life that seals the deal so to speak. I am grateful. McAlpine talks a lot about Detoxing from Church, this need to step away and allow God to work through some of the believer's hurts and inner turmoils that come from the Church herself. Some, like me, have decided to detox in a non-charismatic church. Though I now have no desire to abandon my heritage, it is highly unlikely that I will return to the Pentecostal fold any time ever. My feeling is, and has been for some time, the charismatic folks ought to be a seasoning to the church in general rather than congregating all together.

So, here's to salt and light. Gloria a Dios!