So, I have been out of the blogosphere for some time now. I had a week or so where I felt just awful. I had a sinus infection/allergy episode and for a few days I could not talk (which was nice). People always wonder what happens when I get sick. The truth is I feel like I am going on a short vacation.
So, to catch up for the last couple of weeks: Two Sundays ago we had our annual Children's Sabbath in which the children are "in charge" of the Sunday services. Now, I do not remember a whole lot of it, even though I was heavily involved this time around, because I was overly medicated from the above mentioned sinus episode. Emma got to lead the Call to Worship and sang in a little group of girls. It was hard to hear Emma because one of the other girls was a mic hog. All in all it went well. I asked our worship team to help play for the children and it made a big difference (much better than having me play solo).
I have a confession to make: Much of the time I really think of myself as a patient (in public) person, but I had a really bad episode of impatience around the first of October. I have mentioned that the first day of class in August I went to class and all the students had a new textbook--one that I did not have. I got over this pretty quickly, but I have come to realize that it may have been festering more than I wanted to admit. Well, three weeks ago, I went to the college and went to borrow a key (I have since gotten a key of my own, but that is another much more mundane story) to get into the studio where I have been teaching every Friday for the last year and a half. When I opened the door, I quickly realized that there was no piano in the room. I was not happy and one of the other faculty members said she would have a piano moved in immediately. I said it was not a problem and went into a practice room for the day. It turns out that "my" piano had been given to another instructor who was new this semester. At the end of the day, my last student commented that she had heard that many of my students would be returning to their previous teacher in the spring. Now, if you recall, I took on several additional students to help out the college because one of the other instructors had to have an emergency triple bypass. Well, it turns out one of the faculty members went to visit him in the rehabilitation center and told him he could have all of his students back. She was trying to be nice, but she kind of put me and the student who told me this information on the spot. The poor girl felt bad because she thought I knew about it and she was also a little worried because she did not really know the man she had been promised to. This was the same scenario for all but one of the five additional students I picked up. Well, I was not happy and with three things to aggravate me, I decided it was time to send an email requesting clarification of our policies. It was nice, but clearly indicated my displeasure at finding these things out in a second-hand manner. I never realized how passive aggressive I can be. Everything within me said: "Just shut up about it and everything will work out." I did not listen. Everything did work out, and it was probably a good thing that I was able to communicate some of my frustrations before they became actual issues. The next week, my conversations with the faculty and the students helped to clarify that there was no problem at all. Those students who wanted to stay with me could. I got another piano moved into "my" studio, etc.
Now, here's why I feel bad still. The man that caused all of this discombobulation died a little over a week ago. If I had listened to that inner voice and left bad enough alone, there would have never been any issue. Death has a way of closing the door. Oh well, I will get over it. I just feel like a person. I hate that.
Speaking of my students: I have mentioned this one student before who is very articulate and able to discuss deeper topics with some acumen. She is very conservative, as I have mentioned before and she is really having a struggle coping with life at the secular community college. Most of the people there are very nice, but even the Christians "act like the world" according to her. She thinks there is nothing to set them apart. She mentioned some students that I know well and know to be committed Christians, and she said that "you would never know they are Christians." She will likely end up going to a very conservative Christian college soon because she cannot deal with being around worldly folks. I cannot say how much she reminds me of myself at her age. She is too old for her own good. She has great difficulty understanding and relating to people her own age. Part of this is because she was home schooled and part of it is because she comes from such a conservative family (no pants, no dating, etc.). I hope she will be okay.
I wonder how on earth I was able to remove myself enough from my conservative past to go to real universities. I mean, everybody was a "sinner" when I was in undergrad. When I was at SMU, half the campus was gay or bi-curious, everybody was a drunk (at one time SMU was VERY high on the list of preppy party schools), and the ones who were in the theological school likely did not believe in Jesus's existence, let alone his divinity. It was a beautiful place, and I learned to flourish as a conservative Christian in that environment. I began to learn for the first time what I actually believed, what I could leave behind as cultural biases, and what I might need to pick up. Granted, it was not over night that I was able to make some of these distinctions, and it would take several years before some of the things I learned would come to fruition, but at least I was able to step way outside my region of comfort in order to learn some lessons that I could not have possibly learned if I had remained confined to my evangelical bubble.
This student also mentioned something striking to me that reminded me of a couple of my former students. She said that she did not feel that she was complimented enough at the community college. She mentioned a former teacher who was very hard on her, but was also very complimentary so she felt like even though she was not performing to her potential, at least the teacher thought she had potential. In my mind, I was immediately taken back to my office on the fourth floor of the administration building at Southwestern almost ten years ago now. I had these two students who were probably two of my best students, one of which basically took my place at the college when I left. They sat me down one day and, dead seriously asked me what they needed to do for me to be complimentary of them. In their estimation they did everything I asked of them, but I never seemed to be completely pleased. At that time, I told them that I was pleased with what they were doing, but I knew they were capable of so much more and that when they started performing on that level, then maybe I would be more complimentary. Truth is, I very rarely remember my voice teachers every being all that complimentary of me. I knew they thought I was talented. I would not have been in their studios if I was not. They always pushed me to be better. It did not mean I was not any good, it meant there was still more room for growth. I think I would have been suspicious of a teacher who was too complimentary. As for my students, I have a high bar because I know what is truly good (and how rare I actually hear it). This came up again today when another student mentioned that before she ever met with me, she asked one of my other new students what to expect when meeting me. He commented that I listened to him sing and then said "Okay" and that was about it. I guess more people expect to hear a "Wow" and maybe I should work on that. How does this sound: "Wow. That was mediocre."
How much do we need the approval of others? I like to think I don't, but the truth is I keep much to myself for fear of what others will think. Take politics for example. I am only honest here. I rarely mention my political leanings to anyone because I get these horrified looks that scream, "I thought you were smarter than that" or something worse like "and you call yourself a Christian?" So I have pretty much kept to myself for the last couple of months. I get tired of hearing about how Obama will bring about the end of the world or that God's reputation will forever be besmirched if Obama wins because it means Christians could not pray hard enough. I was going to go and vote today since early voting started in Florida today, but the line was too long when I went by the election board this afternoon and I did not want to carry Madeline with me into a long line.
And finally, today is Emma's 9th birthday. It is hard to believe what has happened in the last nine years. I have been to several different countries and moved halfway across my own country. I have moved further toward the center of the theological spectrum which continues to exhilarate and frighten me. I have seen craziness take hold of both ends of the political spectrum and the division in our country become so large that I wonder if we will ever be able to agree to disagree without vilifying each other. Maybe I just want my conservative compatriots to still love me and not vilify me now that I have become a liberal.
I have come to realize that my early-life pessimism couched an optimism and wide-eyed idealism that causes me such grief when I hear people spouting rhetoric full of hate when they are really good people and should know better. I have learned that it is hard for most people to be sympathetic toward people who are not like them and see them as people and not just as a group (the poor, the gay community, another ethnic group, whoever). I may feel compassion for the poor and the oppressed but that does not necessarily mean I want to live in the same neighborhoods where all the drive-by shootings occur and where it is easiest to find drugs. I have learned that people are capable of great love and great evil, and that these forces are all too often at work within the same person. I have learned that even though I can talk about these things in a rational manner, I still fall prey to the same forces that I so detest in others. Maybe this is the reason they bother me so much. But I have to continue to believe the world can be a place of wonder and joy, a world that is full of adventures that I want to share with my children.
So, to catch up for the last couple of weeks: Two Sundays ago we had our annual Children's Sabbath in which the children are "in charge" of the Sunday services. Now, I do not remember a whole lot of it, even though I was heavily involved this time around, because I was overly medicated from the above mentioned sinus episode. Emma got to lead the Call to Worship and sang in a little group of girls. It was hard to hear Emma because one of the other girls was a mic hog. All in all it went well. I asked our worship team to help play for the children and it made a big difference (much better than having me play solo).
I have a confession to make: Much of the time I really think of myself as a patient (in public) person, but I had a really bad episode of impatience around the first of October. I have mentioned that the first day of class in August I went to class and all the students had a new textbook--one that I did not have. I got over this pretty quickly, but I have come to realize that it may have been festering more than I wanted to admit. Well, three weeks ago, I went to the college and went to borrow a key (I have since gotten a key of my own, but that is another much more mundane story) to get into the studio where I have been teaching every Friday for the last year and a half. When I opened the door, I quickly realized that there was no piano in the room. I was not happy and one of the other faculty members said she would have a piano moved in immediately. I said it was not a problem and went into a practice room for the day. It turns out that "my" piano had been given to another instructor who was new this semester. At the end of the day, my last student commented that she had heard that many of my students would be returning to their previous teacher in the spring. Now, if you recall, I took on several additional students to help out the college because one of the other instructors had to have an emergency triple bypass. Well, it turns out one of the faculty members went to visit him in the rehabilitation center and told him he could have all of his students back. She was trying to be nice, but she kind of put me and the student who told me this information on the spot. The poor girl felt bad because she thought I knew about it and she was also a little worried because she did not really know the man she had been promised to. This was the same scenario for all but one of the five additional students I picked up. Well, I was not happy and with three things to aggravate me, I decided it was time to send an email requesting clarification of our policies. It was nice, but clearly indicated my displeasure at finding these things out in a second-hand manner. I never realized how passive aggressive I can be. Everything within me said: "Just shut up about it and everything will work out." I did not listen. Everything did work out, and it was probably a good thing that I was able to communicate some of my frustrations before they became actual issues. The next week, my conversations with the faculty and the students helped to clarify that there was no problem at all. Those students who wanted to stay with me could. I got another piano moved into "my" studio, etc.
Now, here's why I feel bad still. The man that caused all of this discombobulation died a little over a week ago. If I had listened to that inner voice and left bad enough alone, there would have never been any issue. Death has a way of closing the door. Oh well, I will get over it. I just feel like a person. I hate that.
Speaking of my students: I have mentioned this one student before who is very articulate and able to discuss deeper topics with some acumen. She is very conservative, as I have mentioned before and she is really having a struggle coping with life at the secular community college. Most of the people there are very nice, but even the Christians "act like the world" according to her. She thinks there is nothing to set them apart. She mentioned some students that I know well and know to be committed Christians, and she said that "you would never know they are Christians." She will likely end up going to a very conservative Christian college soon because she cannot deal with being around worldly folks. I cannot say how much she reminds me of myself at her age. She is too old for her own good. She has great difficulty understanding and relating to people her own age. Part of this is because she was home schooled and part of it is because she comes from such a conservative family (no pants, no dating, etc.). I hope she will be okay.
I wonder how on earth I was able to remove myself enough from my conservative past to go to real universities. I mean, everybody was a "sinner" when I was in undergrad. When I was at SMU, half the campus was gay or bi-curious, everybody was a drunk (at one time SMU was VERY high on the list of preppy party schools), and the ones who were in the theological school likely did not believe in Jesus's existence, let alone his divinity. It was a beautiful place, and I learned to flourish as a conservative Christian in that environment. I began to learn for the first time what I actually believed, what I could leave behind as cultural biases, and what I might need to pick up. Granted, it was not over night that I was able to make some of these distinctions, and it would take several years before some of the things I learned would come to fruition, but at least I was able to step way outside my region of comfort in order to learn some lessons that I could not have possibly learned if I had remained confined to my evangelical bubble.
This student also mentioned something striking to me that reminded me of a couple of my former students. She said that she did not feel that she was complimented enough at the community college. She mentioned a former teacher who was very hard on her, but was also very complimentary so she felt like even though she was not performing to her potential, at least the teacher thought she had potential. In my mind, I was immediately taken back to my office on the fourth floor of the administration building at Southwestern almost ten years ago now. I had these two students who were probably two of my best students, one of which basically took my place at the college when I left. They sat me down one day and, dead seriously asked me what they needed to do for me to be complimentary of them. In their estimation they did everything I asked of them, but I never seemed to be completely pleased. At that time, I told them that I was pleased with what they were doing, but I knew they were capable of so much more and that when they started performing on that level, then maybe I would be more complimentary. Truth is, I very rarely remember my voice teachers every being all that complimentary of me. I knew they thought I was talented. I would not have been in their studios if I was not. They always pushed me to be better. It did not mean I was not any good, it meant there was still more room for growth. I think I would have been suspicious of a teacher who was too complimentary. As for my students, I have a high bar because I know what is truly good (and how rare I actually hear it). This came up again today when another student mentioned that before she ever met with me, she asked one of my other new students what to expect when meeting me. He commented that I listened to him sing and then said "Okay" and that was about it. I guess more people expect to hear a "Wow" and maybe I should work on that. How does this sound: "Wow. That was mediocre."
How much do we need the approval of others? I like to think I don't, but the truth is I keep much to myself for fear of what others will think. Take politics for example. I am only honest here. I rarely mention my political leanings to anyone because I get these horrified looks that scream, "I thought you were smarter than that" or something worse like "and you call yourself a Christian?" So I have pretty much kept to myself for the last couple of months. I get tired of hearing about how Obama will bring about the end of the world or that God's reputation will forever be besmirched if Obama wins because it means Christians could not pray hard enough. I was going to go and vote today since early voting started in Florida today, but the line was too long when I went by the election board this afternoon and I did not want to carry Madeline with me into a long line.
And finally, today is Emma's 9th birthday. It is hard to believe what has happened in the last nine years. I have been to several different countries and moved halfway across my own country. I have moved further toward the center of the theological spectrum which continues to exhilarate and frighten me. I have seen craziness take hold of both ends of the political spectrum and the division in our country become so large that I wonder if we will ever be able to agree to disagree without vilifying each other. Maybe I just want my conservative compatriots to still love me and not vilify me now that I have become a liberal.
I have come to realize that my early-life pessimism couched an optimism and wide-eyed idealism that causes me such grief when I hear people spouting rhetoric full of hate when they are really good people and should know better. I have learned that it is hard for most people to be sympathetic toward people who are not like them and see them as people and not just as a group (the poor, the gay community, another ethnic group, whoever). I may feel compassion for the poor and the oppressed but that does not necessarily mean I want to live in the same neighborhoods where all the drive-by shootings occur and where it is easiest to find drugs. I have learned that people are capable of great love and great evil, and that these forces are all too often at work within the same person. I have learned that even though I can talk about these things in a rational manner, I still fall prey to the same forces that I so detest in others. Maybe this is the reason they bother me so much. But I have to continue to believe the world can be a place of wonder and joy, a world that is full of adventures that I want to share with my children.
I have to believe this world can exist.
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