Taking a Deep Breath

I still cannot get used to flip flops in December, but that is my lot in Florida. I have been out of pocket the last couple of days with a sick child and my day off and so I have been wearing the Florida uniform--shorts and flip flops. Granted, I would rather it be warm like this (in the upper 70s and low 80s) than like those back "home" in North Texas and Oklahoma. I do not want to trade places with those folks.

As you know I have been busily working on all of my Christmastime musical presentations. The choir was done on Sunday evening. My senior ladies choir had two performances this week and both went swimmingly well. They are a lot of fun to work with and we had attentive, interactive audiences for our end of season performances which make the ladies sing all the better. Truth is, we rarely get this type of audience in the places we frequent--nursing homes and retirement centers. My handbell choir gave their final concert this Wednesday evening for our weekly fellowship supper. We scheduled the concert in conjunction with the weekly supper so we could guarantee a good audience and the tactic worked. We had one of the best crowds we have ever had for a handbell concert. The ladies did well and they were very generous with me.

This Sunday, the Choir is having a Christmas luncheon at the yacht club. I was really looking forward to this, but now we have a funeral on Sunday afternoon, so I will not get to go home at all that day. Church for 6 hours, luncheon for another hour or so, a funeral, and then caroling and a chili cook-off. And I thought last Sunday at 13 hours was a long day. I really only have one project left to do for the season and since I am not completely in charge of it, I am not as worried about it as I probably should be.

I am really looking forward to being on hiatus for a little while. It will be nice to see family again, and recover from this season's hullabaloo. I appreciate the idea of resting for a few moments before charging into the new year. This has been a trying last few months, but it is amazing how that when I stop, even for a few moments, I begin to get eager to be busy again. I don't know if this is because I have too much time to stop and reflect on things that I need not worry about or if it is because I truly need to be busy. I really do not know the answer. I am sure that spending Christmas with my three little angels will make all things new again.

One last thought: Has saying "Merry Christmas" become a political thing?

You know, there were 9 members of Congress who voted against officially celebrating Christmas this year, though most of these voted to celebrate Ramadan and other non-Christian holidays. I like being politically correct, but it concerns me when our elected officials continue to disdain the majority of the American populous while catering to a minority opinion. It is perfectly fine to offend a Christian in our country today. Maybe we have allowed things to get to such a point where people outside the Church have no qualms about offending Christians. Or maybe, Christmas has become so commercial, so secular? Maybe the holiday as celebrated today has become so far removed from the true meaning of Christmas, that we are easy targets for this type of discrimination? The one thing that I hate about this is that it seems like people are saying "Merry Christmas" for all the wrong reasons. I am saddened when I feel someone is only telling me this because they feel their rights have been infringed upon, not because they hope my heart is filled with Christ afresh during this season.

Well, I hope your heart is filled anew with the spirit of Christ this Christmas season, that you can sense his presence in a tangible way, that you are able to move past the commercialism of the secular holiday to find Christ afresh. Better yet, "Merry Christmas!"

The Virtue of Patience

I have never had so many people call me patient than in the last couple of weeks. I have never been a patient person and it is likely that my family would agree all too wholeheartedly on this one; but, this has been my appellation all too often lately. I am finding that dealing with people in the church is far different than dealing with people in academia. I have known this all along, it is just that this point keeps being driven home to me over and over.

So, last week was really full and as crazy as I thought it would be. Something just about every minute. Finish one thing. Begin the next task. All leading up to my Choir's presentation of Saint-Saens' Christmas Oratorio. I hired professional musicians to come in and play the strings and harp parts and we had our first rehearsal on Wednesday evening. Since we were joined by the Choir of 1st Presbyterian Church (PCA) [A PCA church is the very conservative Presbyterian church that broke away from the PCUSA over dogmatic issues] we had a very full choir loft (over 50) and organ and strings and harp. It was a tight fit but we managed well. All I can say is the rehearsal was interesting. I was already exhausted because I had driven my ladies choir to Dothan, Alabama that morning and brought them back in the afternoon. It is only 80 miles, but still a big undertaking for a never-ending day. Back to rehearsal: Let's just say that we had some alternative readings of some measures. Some looks. Some comments. Understanding nods. All of this to say, we had a few problems, but nothing that we could not work through.

Fast Forward to Sunday: So, I was at church for over 13 hours. I never left after the three morning services were over. So much to do. Instrumental rehearsal at 2:30. Rehearsal with soloists at 3:00. Choir rehearsal at 3:30. Performance at 5:00. It was a long day, but the performance went as well as possible. Overall, I was completely pleased. We had close to 300 in attendance. I was amazed a little. One of the things that I have enjoyed about my musical presentations this year is getting to work with the musical community of Panama City. I am finding solidarity with these people. They enjoy working with me and, in some strange way, validate me in a way I guess I did not realize I needed. I have always been a little uneasy around the instrumental folks. Maybe it goes back to that dichotomy between a singer and a musician, but they always make me worry. I do not enjoy conducting all that much, though I do it ALL the time and it is very natural to me, but I especially worry with conducting an instrumental ensemble. [Conducting is one of those things that I never thought I would do until I was asked to start a choir at the university. I guess I got better at it with practice.] This string quartet that I work with are easy to work with, consummate professionals, and they are always complimentary of what I do and willing to work with me again. I appreciate that. They also tell me the horror stories of church choir directors who never cue them, who do not know what a downbeat is, and the ones who conduct with their eyes closed the whole time. I am glad I am not one of those.

And, they think I am patient. And so does the choir director from the Presbyterian Church. And so does our church pianist. They do not know how I deal with some of the things that are thrown at me from a certain person who shall remain nameless. I was talking to one of the musicians after our performance and I made the comment that the reason I am so patient with this person is that I want to try to help them. I have a way with people, of being able to encourage them and, in so doing, bring out the best of them musically or emotionally or whatever. But I have not been able to get through to this person. Some have told me that oftentimes in the church, people can get so hurt that there is nothing that any one person can do for them. I mean, this person is one of those who does not even have to look for trouble. They are a magnet for troublesome situations. Everything is drama. My wife and I discuss folks like this that we know and wonder why these types of things never happen to us. Or, maybe they do, we just do not react to them like these dramatic types.

Anyway, I guess I have met my match. The musician I was talking to Sunday evening told me that I might actually be enabling this person to continue in this behavior. I never thought of myself as an enabler. Ever. I realize that my patience with this person is getting shorter. I just want to say "Grow up and be honest." But how do you do this with a person in the church? A person who is so desperately fragile, who lives in this self-pitying state? See, I understand wallowing. I wallow a lot, but in private. Even in my lowest moments, I am still functional. I dust myself off and do what needs to be done. I just want to be able to say the right thing and everything be all right. I guess the reality is that this is not possible for this person without a real touch from God. Truth is, it was much easier to say the right thing to college students because you could speak wisdom into a life not quite begun. How much harder it is to bring peace to those who have fought it for so long.

That musician Sunday night left me with this thought: Imagine how much wisdom I will have by the time I am older because I have dealt with issues like this earlier in my life/ministry. I know God gives liberally to all who lack wisdom, but I think I could stand for Him to be a little more conservative on this one. Or two, but that person is the topic for another day's blog.

So my question is: What have situations/people in the church taught you about you? What have you learned from them that has changed the way you view ministry?

P. S.: I went to the second most scary place after Wal-Mart today . . . the Christian bookstore. I mean, those people are way too happy. I barely got in the door and they were "Merry Christmasing" me. I felt like I was running for office and all I wanted to do was look for Christmas music. No luck on that count, but I got another "MC" on the way out. Again, I think I need to turn in my evangelical membership card, but where does one do this?

God's Last Name and Other "Peaceful" Thoughts

This weekend was really full. Handbells playing downtown Friday night. And a debut parade performance for Ms. Emma Keaton. She is a twirler, a Majorette at her school and she and the middle school band marched in the annual Christmas parade this past Saturday evening. It was not very cold, but we sat out in the cool for over 2 hours and she was only the 22nd in line. It was a long parade, but she did very well.

It is always interesting to watch the people who come to these events and there were a lot there. Some were passing out candy and others were collecting money. But there was one group who were passing out tracts. I got one that was called "God's Last Name is Not Damn." I thanked them for the tract. They were not proselytizing. They did not stay in one place too long. They were just passing out their literature. A woman with the longest hair I have ever see on a real-live person and three or four little boys and girls. I always enjoy getting or finding a "you are going straight to hell" tract. Not too long ago I found one in the men's restroom of a Florida state rest stop. Good times. But it does not take long for this ironic joy to turn to a slight case of the blues. These people make me sadder than anyone else on earth. And it is not just because of their fashion consciousness. I am grieved because this is what most people outside the church think of Christians, maybe what they think of me. I am sad because all of their literature is about escaping hell, and not trying to rid the earth of the hells that we can see. I am sad because if I brought this up to any one of these people, I would be considered a sinner. And maybe I am. But I am more concerned now about the world in which my children live than the world to come, not that heaven in not important. I am just trying to imagine the realities of Jesus' teachings that the kingdom of God is among us. Misty heard a few of these folks yelling the gospel at a street corner several months ago. She rolled her window down and quoted Scripture to them. They did not know what to do. I think they were disappointed that she did not cuss them out. You know, for His Name's sake.

Another thing that made me sad this week was Middle East peace conference and the state of Christians in the Holy Land. No matter where you fall on the political spectrum, I think we all desire peace. No matter what our religion is, we want our children to be safe and secure. We hear so much about Israel, but we seldom hear anything positive about the Palestinians. I read this article in the December's National Geographic Magazine about the state of Bethlehem and how the city is troubled. A hundred years ago, most of the population was Christian, but now only about a third of the population are practicing Palestinian Christians. It has been almost three years since my trip to Bethlehem but it was one of the most tense experiences I had while in the Holy Land. Our bus was boarded by members of the Israeli Defense carrying automatic weapons. They looked at our passports and miraculously allowed us to drive into the West Bank, just a few miles from Jerusalem. We were accosted by Palestinian "businessmen" who were desperate to sell anything so they could have a little money. Business is really bad. They told us so, but you knew they were not kidding. And having to deal with that huge separation wall that was beginning to take shape when I was there, is ruining most opportunities for tourism and trade with Israel. I am sad that Israel feels they need to protect themselves like this. I am sad that Christians are leaving Bethlehem by the droves. I am sad that the Palestinians are second class citizens, used as political pawns by everyone in the region.

This Christmas I am praying for peace in my own heart, in my country and in the world. I am ready for us to take Jesus' words to heart, to be about restoring creation and this world, not merely waiting for a world to come when everything will be perfect.

Peace on earth, indeed.

Don't You Wish You Had the Answers?

This week has been another one of those busier than normal weeks leading up to Christmas. I am determined not to get overwhelmed by all the things that are going on around me, but I am having a hard time selling this to myself.

Anyway, I had an interesting series of events occur this week, and they really made me question how I think God speaks to me. I admit that more often than not I am a sign seeker. It bothers me that I do this for several reasons. One, it is such a chariskooky thing to do. Second, Jesus called his generation wicked and perverse because they always asked for a sign from him. I just cannot help it sometimes. Things occur in sequence and one begins to assume this must be God's will for one's life. For instance, there had been this talk about me doing something at church and I was worried about having enough time to do this and still teach at the community college, etc.

Well, this week started with a thought-provoking sermon from our senior minister about being happy where you are. He said somethings that really struck me. For me, I understood fully that God wanted me to stop trying to cut a window in a closed door from my past. I realized how often, though I am happy with what I am doing and believe this may be exactly what I do for a long while, I still wonder about (and leave my options open to) going back to a life behind a closed door. For me, I really feel it is about my level of commitment and how much I really need to not only believe this is the right path but unabashedly plunge into swimming further down this river.

Well, back to the series of events. There was this sermon and then I went to the college on Monday to find that I was not scheduled to teach a class after all. Coincidence. I really thought this was the first confirmation that I needed to make this other potential situation at church a real possibility. So, I am thinking, "Great, God has worked this out for me." Some other issues at church had already begun to potentially work themselves out and it looked like God was a-workin' away at clearing my hazards. Only then, a big ol' road block was put in the way. The whole thing just fizzled. I was like, "God, I thought you had already worked this out for me and I was becoming okay with it, only to find out it isn't even a possibility anymore." And then, besides all of this, my first sign went away because there had been an editorial mistake and my class had been left off of the spring schedule by accident. No sign at all, just a human mistake.

I wonder how many times I have thought God was speaking to me when it was only indigestion. Or just plain kookiness or anxiety. Or, even worse, my own machinations to bring something about I want and the ability to will something into being and truly believe this was God's will in the first place. I am not going to worry about this too much, but it does make me stop and think about how I listen to God. On Wednesday, I was driving through downtown Panama City on the way back to church because I wanted to see the place where my handbell choir was supposed to play Friday night. Oddly, I had one of those "I never meant for you to work this out" moments from God. I am thankful for these times when I can see that God was already working for my good, and he didn't need a bit of help from me.

In other news, my choir had its first combined rehearsal with the 1st Presbyterian church choir this week for our presentation of Saint Saens' Christmas Oratorio this past Wednesday. It went really well and it looks like this will be a great musical offering. I am glad we are doing it as a concert rather than as a worship service, though. Again, a series of odd events led to a change in my plans that actually better suits my purposes this time.

I have found someone to help out with our youth worship team. He is young, wears flip flops and plays the guitar--really well. It is great to have someone who can do the things I cannot do and has a heart for ministry as well. I am going to learn to delegate if it kills me. I have to remember the lesson I learned years ago that as long as a ministry is being fulfilled, I can be happy even if I am not the one God uses every time.

The handbells played tonight in downtown Panama City and it went really well. We had quite a crowd and the ladies did a great job. We were afraid it would be cold tonight when we agreed to play back in September. It was 75 degrees. Afterwards, I came home and our youth minister's daughters had come over for dinner. One of their boyfriends is my biggest helper at the church. He is always willing to help out. Thank God for those people. He came over when we were done putting up the handbells and all the accoutrements and we all had dinner and watched a movie, sort of. My wife told me Wednesday that the younger daughter, who is 21, thought I was 40 years old. I think I am going to cut her.

And last, I finally got around to reading Velvet Elvis this week, mainly because a friend had gone to see Rob Bell last week. I liked it. I have talked about much of the same things that are addressed in the book on this blog. Again, it is good to read my thoughts coming from someone else's pen. It reminded me to keep looking for the divine in the mundane things of life and that even the best have off days and need someone to help them. And wondering about the things I wonder about is part of the joy and pain of the journey. Better to question things than to think you have all the answers. Who am I kidding? I would just like to have the answer to one question, let alone all of them.

TTFN

Calm Before the Storm

Well, this has been a quirky Thanksgiving week and I am taking a deep breath before the Advent season begins next week. I know everything will work out well, all of the musical programs and special services, but I am still anxious about how these things will work out. Since Madeline has been sick most of this week, we have not been able to get out of the house very much. My feelings of stir craziness may have compounded my feelings of anxiety about life beginning again, but we will see. We did brave the outside yesterday for a couple of hours to shop a little and have dinner, but it was unusually quiet for a "black" Friday. Today we put up the Christmas tree. It was Madeline's first time to really help put ornaments on the tree and that was fun. Those girls are all to cute and very enthusiastic about the upcoming holiday festivities and our pilgrimage back to Texas.

I am continually amazed by the wonders of technology and how, no matter where you hide, people find you. I had one of these experiences this week. An old friend, who I have not personally spoken to in many years, found me on Facebook. I almost literally had to pick my jaw up off the floor when I saw this name attached to a message. We got caught up as much as you can in a short space. I mean, what do you say to someone you did know well, but have not known in many years? What do you consider highlights of a twelve year period that are worth discussing? It was interesting.

What surprised me most was the fact that God used this person to speak to me--someone I had not spoken to in almost 12 years. I wrote in my last post how I really needed to have some encouragement, not always be the encourager, and God reminded me that He does send encouragers to me in ways I do not expect. Within this conversation, it became apparent that God was showing me that my life is pretty darn good, despite the aggravations I have. I worry about money. I miss my family, especially at this time of the year. And I get frustrated that I no longer have some of the conveniences that I grew accustomed to while living near a major city. These are not illegitimate concerns, but they are so minuscule in comparison to the good that has come of our new life.

I am sure that there are still growing pains that we have to live through, but I trust that we will be able to meet these challenges just as God has walked us through these last couple of years. It is still hard to believe that it has only been two years since our little Madeline was born the Sunday after Thanksgiving 2005 and we did not know then where we would be the next Thanksgiving. But looking back on these past two years, though much of it is a blur, it still seems like one of the easiest things we ever did. I guess this is one of the reasons why I become puzzled when people talk about my faith or my life seeming so perfect. I don't think I have it together and I do not think I will ever have enough faith. I think the point is God uses us, in spite of our inconsistencies or idiosyncrasies. And He reminds us all the time of how thankful we should be, if we are alert enough to hear Him speak and see Him at work in our lives.

Thank you God for reminding me that you are the good Shepherd and if I am a good sheep I will recognize your voice.

When Do I Get to Be A Sheep?

I have never thought of myself as a very nice person. I have always thought of myself as an intelligent person, but it takes a lot out of me to be nice. My family would probably agree with this all too quickly and they always wonder why people are drawn to me. My father never met a stranger, but I do not feel any compulsion to strike up conversation with people on the street. My pastor is one of these people who can make anyone feel at ease. It makes me nervous when I go visit people with him because it is so beyond my level of comfort to make conversation with people I do not know. Still, people are drawn to me for some reason. I do not think I put something out there or emit rays into the ether that scream "Tell me your story!" I guess when I ask a question, people feel like I am genuinely interested in their lives and so they tell me. I guess I am.

I never fully realized how much of my life is filled with encouraging people. I did this a lot in my former university life, encouraging and counseling with students, but I always thought that was my job. I had two things that brought this home to me over the last week or so. I met this person who is a good few years younger than me and we were talking about leadership styles and philosophies one day last week. I could tell that this person was frustrated by my unwillingness to take charge of some situations. I explained that I felt it was not my place to work out everything. Sometimes, when we allow God to work in a person's life, we do not have to work so hard ourselves. And, frankly, sometimes it is much easier for me, at least, to steer people in a way that makes them think they thought up what I wanted them to do in the first place. Sneaky, maybe, but the job gets done and I have not had to bash anyone over the head with my "leadership." This younger person really had a tough time understanding why some of my "flock" did not merely respect my authority. I laughed a little.

Second, I was at home today because my youngest little elf was sick and we needed to take her to the doctor. I guess I gave her my virus. Beginning last Wednesday I was pretty much voiceless as far as singing goes (except for this "lovely" smoker voice when I spoke). This lack of voice made for a wonderfully fun Sunday. Sunday was the BIG day for our church. We had one blended service that was an hour and a half long. It went very well and I have now officially come out of the closet to my traditional congregation as a "contemporary" musician. I had several compliments from some unexpected places. I thought that was positive. Maybe since "Dr. Keaton" thinks modern worship styles are viable worship expressions, they will come closer to accepting them in their church. Maybe. I also had a really big funeral on Sunday and our annual church charge conference. Fun.

Okay, back to my significant event. I had a former student out of the blue instant message me about a major problem that had happened to them recently. I do not know all of the issues there, but the student was expelled from the university because of an alleged impropriety. The conversation was long, but in the end I played the encourager, telling this student that sometimes we have to endure pain in order to become who we need to become and to go the places we need to go. I confided that I too had been hurt in my leaving the university, but that it has been for the best for me, for my family, and for the Kingdom. The student commented that they wished they could have as much faith as I have.

As much faith as I have. I thought about this for the longest time and I realized that I do not feel like I have much faith at all. I believe and I know, but I still wonder about faith. Most of the time I am a mess spiritually, but there are many people who look to me as a beacon of hope. "If he can do it then I know I can." And I wonder, do all in church leadership feel this way? All of the time? I know it is not just me, but I get frustrated that I have to be the one who people look to when I really need someone to look to myself. I am pleased to serve God in this capacity, but I kind of hate it too. When do I get to just be a sheep? I remember talking to my students about this type of thing. In Pentecostal and charismatic circles we tend to believe God calls everyone to ministry of some sort. I have come to believe that this is not completely true. All are called to be witnesses, but not all are called to be leaders. True, if the called leaders do not step forward, God will anoint someone else, but few are chosen to be leaders really.

This post has gone in directions I did not expect, but I think it is indicative of my thinking right now--circular and confusing and a little overwhelmed by the thought of December coming over the horizon.

Peace be with you . . . and also with me.

PS: Another thought on intelligence. You know, I have never admitted this, but I never really thought I was all that intelligent while I was growing up. I did not have to try very hard. Since I went to the school in the move Saved, it really was not necessary and I always wondered how well I would do if placed up against students at public schools in the area. [When I was a Junior in college and finally went to a state university (and later to an elite private university for graduate work) I was scared to death that I would not be well-prepared. I was prepared enough, but I had to learn a lot on my own as I went.] And, I did not think I was the smartest person in my class, even though I was the Valedictorian. I think another person should have at least been co-Valedictorian with me, and I lobbied for that (I am not sure that person knows that), but the folks who ran my school liked me (I was Assemblies of God) and wanted me to win alone. My grades were higher, and I probably won more awards, but I was not smarter, not by a long shot. Alas, it has been a few years and much water has flowed under the bridge.

PPS: My wife took our littlest angel to the doctor and she passed by a woman who was smoking outside the office. She was pregnant and holding her toddler's hand. "Excuse me, is my neck red?"

Finding the Courage to Be Happy

Well, I can say that I am glad that another Sunday has come and gone. I love what I do, but Sundays wear me out, and not just because they are often 13 hour days. Since today was Veteran's Day we had a celebration of veterans at our Traditional services. It went over very well. There is nothing like putting pictures of our church's veterans up on the big screen to make for a teary-eyed, captivated audience. I enjoyed putting this presentation together, and I got to meet several people I had not previously met. But, of course it cannot be just about doing something nice for our congregants for me. Everything has to have meaning on various levels. And, so my first question is: "How much of a place should American patriotism have in our church services?" I have trouble with this every time we have a national holiday. Do we celebrate Independence Day or Memorial Day or Veterans Day? Usually I take a middle of the road stance and do "special music" or anthems with a patriotic flavor, but our congregational hymns are normally only about Jesus. Again, it is the question of equating patriotism with religion. It worries me, but maybe I am alone in my worries. Maybe I need to get over it.

I am feeling a little homesick lately. Thanksgiving is especially hard since we live so far away from our families that we cannot spend it with them. We have a lot of folks who invite us over for lunch, but everybody does things differently and, to be honest, we would rather just spend it with ourselves than go along with other traditions. I guess it is ugly, but this is a place for the truth. We had intended to go out of town, but we have decided we spend too little time at home so we are going to stay close. When people comment about us being away for the holiday, I do not correct them.

Part of the problem I continue to have, and know will one day play a role in our decision to leave Panama City, is that we miss several cultural things about our former life. I miss Mexican food and good museums, the opera, and an airport that goes to more places than Atlanta. During our Christmas hiatus I hope to reconnect with some old friends and go to the museum. I am hoping to see this new exhibit of early Christian art from the Vatican, the Louvre, the British Museum and other international museums while we are in Texas. I am already making plans to see the King Tut exhibit over Christmas 2008 (I saw the best Tut stuff when I went to Egypt in 2005, but I would still love to see the exhibit). I have no intention to leave any time soon, but as I have said from the beginning, we no longer believe in forever. Funny thing is: the life that we miss no longer exists. This has become all too clear lately when I have visited the website of my former institution. Sounds like wonderful things are happening there. Numbers are up. I hear good things from my former students. I am even starting to miss some of the people that I used to work with. I would never want to go back . . . ever. . . but at least I would be glad to see some folks again and not feel completely awkward about it. It reminded me of a conversation I had with a colleague before I left, but after I had resigned. We were talking about years spent together and problems we saw in the institution and hopes for the future. I wondered out loud if maybe I had been part of the problem, that maybe my leaving would bring about a better fruit. You know, the whole "unless a kernel of wheat falls to the earth and dies, it bears no fruit" thing. This was answered in the negative, that I was not a part of the problem, but I still wonder some times if God does not allow us to become unsettled to give us something better and to give where we were a fresh start as well.

Speaking of students: I have been attending our weekly student recitals and some of them make we long for the good old days. Most of my students are fairly talented and they have performed well. But some of the students have just been awful. I swear, one of them the week before was special and one last week, who, I was told, could not match pitch at the beginning of the semester, sang this note in one verse of the song that did not occur in nature. It was striking, and not in a good way. Wow.

I guess I am finding the courage to be happy for once. This is really hard for me, since I am always looking to the future and wondering what will come next. This next year, I will begin the process to become an ordained deacon in the United Methodist Church. So, no turning back. I never felt like I could be ordained with the Assemblies of God. I never felt the release to do that, and it was for no tangible reason. And it is not that I completely adhere to all the beliefs of the UMC, I just feel like the time is right to become part of the clergy officially. Again, I feel there is more room for diverging thoughts on theology, within an orthodox framework, within the UMC than in my former denomination. For those of you unfamiliar with an "ordained" deacon, this is basically a member of the clergy who does not deal with sacraments, is not required to be a part of the itinerant system to which ordained elders have to submit, but has a specific vocational calling like music or counseling or education. So, it is sort of like a deacon in a Baptist or Assemblies of God church, except that you have to have a graduate degree and work full time in a specific ministry area, though not necessarily in a church setting. It should be interesting, will help to rebuild my retirement nest egg, but will require that I go back to school to take graduate theological courses. I am looking forward to this like a hole in the head, not because they will be difficult, but because I could probably teach most of the classes I will need to take. Oh well, I guess I should be thankful for small favors.

I think it does take courage to be happy. It is a choice. I plan on choosing it very soon.

PS: Isn't that the happiest baby you have ever seen? She will be two in 16 days. I am deeply troubled about this. We have removed all the baby toys since she like the big girl toys much better, and will likely take down the baby bed and replace it with a toddler bed tomorrow. I saw a 3-week old baby tonight at church and for a split second wanted another baby. Thank God it passed. Three little "angels" are enough.

Thoughts From a Busy Week

I have been out of commission in the blogosphere for the last week due to some special things going on at church. If you have ever worked at a church while in a building program, you understand my use of the word "special" to describe all the things that go into it. This Sunday we are celebrating Veteran's Day and I have put together a visual presentation of about 40 of our community veterans for the day's service. It should be nice and since we live in an area with an air force base and lots of retired veterans, this is always an important day. Next Sunday we are doing one single service (praise God!!!) to celebrate and commit to our operational budget for next year and for the building of our new family life center. I have always thought it was funny how churches call everything by a different name, a more "holy" name. Granted, this building is not just a gymnasium, but it is funny nonetheless. I will be glad when these next few weeks are over, and by few weeks I really mean through Christmas.

In other news: Pat Robertson has endorsed Rudy Giuliani for President. I think these two make strange bedfellows, but who am I to judge? I begin to wonder whether or not Mr. Robertson thinks Mr. Giuliani is a true advocate for the evangelical side of the Republican party or whether he just thinks he is electable. Since I will likely vote for a Democrat, no matter who the nominee is this next time, it is really neither here nor there to me who Pat Robertson endorses, but it still bothers me that there is no one to take up the evangelical gauntlet. Again, maybe it goes back to this backlash of younger evangelicals who feel their leaders have been too political and not focused on the faith and practice of the Church and merely become pawns of the Republican Party. Who knows?

In still other news: Republican Senator Charles Grassley has begun an inquiry into the spending practices of several high profile evangelists, including: Kenneth Copeland, Creflo Dollar, Paula and Randy White, Bishop Eddie Long, Benny Hinn, and Joyce Meyer. The inquiry focuses on how these ministries are considered churches and do not have to explain all of their spending due to to their tax exempt status. The concern is that these ministries are spending Ministry money for their own purposes. One of my favorites is the question as to how a marble-topped commode can be a ministry expense for Joyce Meyer. It reminds me of the air-conditioned dog house that Jim and Tammy had back in the '80's. It is amazing what we can justify when we believe we are doing the Lord's work. I have to believe these folks, who probably do have a gift from God, begin with the best of intentions. But I wonder how quickly the success of the presence of God and changing people's lives turns into using their money for gold-encrusted toilets? "God has blessed me, so therefore I can do whatever I want to with the money he has blessed me with."

Most of them were going to comply with the inquiry, but they all seemed to be quick to say that they would be discussing these matters with their lawyers and other "scholars." I guess we will see how these affairs play out, but I have a feeling it will lead to further investigations and maybe, heh heh, a little accountability. I think we could all use a little more accountability in the church.

Rock on, Pat.

Questions for November 1

Interesting Thought #1: Okay, so I was at the community college yesterday to teach a class and this young woman who I met several weeks ago stopped me and asked me my name. She is a music major and, though we have talked a couple of times, would have no reason to remember my name since I do not have her in class. She said she was talking to a friend the day before who was asking about all the music instructors and she asked about me, and this student's comment was, "You mean the one who sounds like a preacher?" And that was me, the one who sounds like a preacher.

I have never thought of myself as a preacher or even as a person who sounds like one, but I guess I cannot make that judgment for myself. The person who made this comment was very kind, and is starting a gospel choir so she is a believer (and dresses like one, if you get my drift), but it made we wonder about how I come across to other people. I guess this stripping away of the churchiness is a harder thing than I had thought. I guess it is a work in progress. But, is it a bad thing for a fellow believer to think that I act like a preacher? Is it worse for a non-believer to think this about me? I know that people treat you different when they think you are a minister, but I have several students now who talk to me in a way that is very "truthful" and not censored through a "preacher" mentality, so maybe it is just a fluke.

Interesting Thought #2: I saw this news segment on CNN last night about this COGIC church in Florida that is using L. Ron Hubbard's materials for drug counseling and for other studies in their church. Okay, it concerns me when members of a large Pentecostal denomination see no problem with promoting Scientology. The pastor of this church, when asked whether or not there were any things in Hubbard's writings that went against Scriptural teachings, he agreed that there some discrepancies, but also some good things to glean. Huh? I would not be as concerned, but the report said there were several COGIC churches that were doing this. It looked like they were having a small group Bible study, but they were reading L. Ron Hubbard. Scary? Or am I not being open-minded enough?

Interesting Thought #3: Is Church too girly? There has been a lot of discussion on this topic lately. I would often mention the feminine style of recent worship music. There was this song back several years ago that we would sing in chapel "Let me know the kisses of your mouth" or something to that effect that I used as an example of overly-feminine leanings in worship music. Recently, I saw a news report about this very subject and a book that has been written about how to make your church more manly, or more precisely to make your church a place where men would want to go. What do you think?

And one last thing: This is one for all of you who have multiple services on a Sunday morning. I have three services on Sunday mornings and I am usually at church before 6:30 a. m. so by the time I am getting to the third service, I have been at church forever it seems. How do you keep any energy at all for multiple, and mostly identical services? Now, granted, our middle service is different, but the other two are basically the same. My wife caught me in a weaker moment staring off into oblivion and chewing on my fingers a couple of weeks ago, and I began to realize how difficult it is to appear interested when I have been there and done that already. I know lots of folks do this, and I try to laugh at the same jokes, etc., but it is difficult. How do you make this work? I sometimes find it very difficult to make Sunday a worship experience for myself rather than just work. So add this into the mix and you see the problem.

Life is fun.

A Missional Apologetics Manifesto

I thought this was interesting since I talk about emergent/missional things quite a bit. Though my leanings toward this movement go back a goodly way, I am still fairly new to the "players."

A Missional Apologetics Manifesto:

1. Missional Apologetics applies the insights of missiology, recognizing that all Jesus-followers are called to be missionaries wherever they are.
2. Missional Apologetics emphasizes the importance of cultural studies and cross-cultural principles.
3. Missional Apologetics understands the importance of contextualization.
4. Missional Apologetics flows out of relationships.
5. Missional Apologetics employs reason, experience, and emotion, understanding the limitations of all.
6. Missional Apologetics incorporates one’s ears as well as mouth.
7. Missional Apologetics relies on the gospel lived, as well as taught.
8. Missional Apologetics requires serious reflection flowing from a mature biblical and theological foundation.
9. Missional Apologetics is engaged in by people who are lifelong learners.
10. Missional Apologetics is patient, recognizing that most people process new or difficult ideas over time.
11. Missional Apologetics recognizes that sometimes the best apologetic is an apology.
12. Missional Apologetics isn’t afraid of mystery and wonder. Rather, this compliments our understanding of a God who is immanent, yet transcendent.
13. Missional Apologetics values honesty over pretending to know it all.
14. Missional Apologetics seeks to create an environment where it’s safe to challenge, confront, and critique the Christian faith.
15. Missional Apologetics is centered on the Gospel, which is for everyone who believes. Therefore, Missional Apologetics does not discriminate.
16. Missional Apologetics is most effective in an environment where practitioners are allowed to fail, risk, dream, and imagine.
17. Missional Apologetics is comfortable with doubt.
18. Missional Apologetics is sociologically informed.
19. Missional Apologetics encourages dialogue, not merely monologue.
20. Missional Apologetics takes questions seriously.
21. Missional Apologetics is used as a tool for mission.
22. Missional Apologetics stands on the shoulders of its historical precursors, yet presses forward to contextually and relevantly apply apologetics in today’s world.
23. Missional Apologetics is humble, recognizing the role of the Holy Spirit.
24. Missional Apologetics understands it’s limitations, and that there is One Savior, Jesus Christ.
25. Missional Apologetics is ethical, and therefore uses the mind and hands to address social injustices, evil, and suffering in the world.

Missional Apologetics is dynamic, not static, as will likely be demonstrated by the additions, deletions, and revisions to this manifesto as time and relevance demands.

I like these things. And most of these beliefs are right in line with my personal theology and opinion on evangelism and what the church's worldview should be. But my question is: How do these really translate to the Church as it is now? Are these things that most churches are capable of introducing to a long-standing congregation? Or are these just pipe dreams of naive idealists? I used to think I was a pessimist, a cynic. But I realized that I was not pessimistic, but idealistic. I am saddened when the Church does not live up to its potential (or when other people miss it, or when I do), because I actually believe she can. What do you think?

The Evangelical Crack Up?

I read this interesting, and long article in the New York Times Magazine today. The article, "The Evangelical Crackup," was written by David D. Kirkpatrick, a journalist who has followed the religious right for some time. The article dealt primarily with evangelical voting trends and political soap boxes. Here are a few long excerpts from the article that I thought were particularly interesting:

"Just three years ago, the leaders of the conservative Christian political movement could almost see the Promised Land. White evangelical Protestants looked like perhaps the most potent voting bloc in America. They turned out for President George W. Bush in record numbers, supporting him for re-election by a ratio of four to one. Republican strategists predicted that religious traditionalists would help bring about an era of dominance for their party. Spokesmen for the Christian conservative movement warned of the wrath of “values voters.” James C. Dobson, the founder of Focus on the Family, was poised to play kingmaker in 2008, at least in the Republican primary. And thanks to President Bush, the Supreme Court appeared just one vote away from answering the prayers of evangelical activists by overturning Roe v. Wade."

"Today the movement shows signs of coming apart beneath its leaders. It is not merely that none of the 2008 Republican front-runners come close to measuring up to President Bush in the eyes of the evangelical faithful, although it would be hard to find a cast of characters more ill fit for those shoes: a lapsed-Catholic big-city mayor; a Massachusetts Mormon; a church-skipping Hollywood character actor; and a political renegade known for crossing swords with the Rev. Pat Robertson and the Rev. Jerry Falwell. Nor is the problem simply that the Democratic presidential front-runners — Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, Senator Barack Obama and former Senator John Edwards — sound like a bunch of tent-revival Bible thumpers compared with the Republicans."

"The 2008 election is just the latest stress on a system of fault lines that go much deeper. The phenomenon of theologically conservative Christians plunging into political activism on the right is, historically speaking, something of an anomaly. Most evangelicals shrugged off abortion as a Catholic issue until after the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision. But in the wake of the ban on public-school prayer, the sexual revolution and the exodus to the suburbs that filled the new megachurches, protecting the unborn became the rallying cry of a new movement to uphold the traditional family. Now another confluence of factors is threatening to tear the movement apart. The extraordinary evangelical love affair with Bush has ended, for many, in heartbreak over the Iraq war and what they see as his meager domestic accomplishments. That disappointment, in turn, has sharpened latent divisions within the evangelical world — over the evangelical alliance with the Republican Party, among approaches to ministry and theology, and between the generations."

I always like a quote from former President Jimmy Carter, since he is such a polarizing figure in the evangelical world. In discussing the place of America on the world stage he said:

"I think that a superpower ought to be the exemplification of a commitment to peace,” Carter told Hybels, who nodded along. “I would like for anyone in the world that’s threatened with conflict to say to themselves immediately: ‘Why don’t we go to Washington? They believe in peace and they will help us get peace.’ ” Carter added: “This is just a simple but important extrapolation from what a human being ought to do, and what a human being ought to do is what Jesus Christ did, who was a champion of peace.”

Here is another one of those, I thought I was the only one moments:

"Conservative Christian leaders in Washington acknowledge a “leftward drift” among evangelicals, said Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council and the movement’s chief advocate in Washington. He told me he believed that Hybels and many of his admirers had, in effect, fallen away from orthodox evangelical theology. Perkins compared the phenomenon to the century-old division in American Protestantism between the liberal mainline and the orthodox evangelical churches. “It is almost like another split coming within the evangelicals,” he said."

And again. he mentions one of the reasons why I wanted to be a part of a church that was interested in the here and now of our faith rather than just the eternal future:

“There is this sense that the personal Gospel is what evangelicals believe and the social Gospel is what liberal Christians believe,” Carlson said, “and, you know, there is only one Gospel that has both social and personal dimensions to it.” He once felt lonely among evangelicals for taking that approach, he told me. “Now it is a growing phenomenon,” he said.

One final quote:

“The religious right peaked a long time ago,” he added. “As a historical, sociological phenomenon, it has seen its heyday. Something new is coming.”

If something new is coming, what do you think it is? Has the religious right really seen its best days? I am really interested to see how the next year unfolds.

"Contemporary" is Such a Dirty Word

I had an interesting exchange last night during choir practice. A gentleman who is a terrific singer and someone I admire commented on the decline of church music in general. This, of course, had to do with the overwhelming changes that have occurred in pretty much every denomination with regard to the addition of a contemporary service or a "blended" service. He was concerned that the closest Christian university, which just so happens to be a Baptist college, no longer had any organ students and that Florida State University, one of the largest and most successful state music programs in the country only had ten organ majors in their entire program (up through the doctoral level).

Another choir member mentioned that several of her Baptist friends would go to their service and then go home and watch our church on television because we actually sing hymns. She also mentioned that they were not allowed to carry music with them into the choir loft because then they would not be able to clap along with the music. She said they hated this. My only comment to them was that I was aware of these issues, and how "real" music has been stripped from our culture to such a degree that most younger folks are not aware of even the most well-known classical themes. I have noticed this more and more over my years of teaching college music students and non-music majors in music appreciation courses. They are just completely unaware of any music other than their favorite. I tell them there was a time when classical music was more a part of our culture. I remember hearing so many themes taken straight out of Wagner, Rossini, and Johann Strauss in Bugs Bunny cartoons. And what about all the music in Disney's Fantasia and just the way they sang the songs in Sleeping Beauty and the like. They were some great singers. But I digress.

I did not remind my choir members that I also lead a contemporary service at our church. Most of them are only slightly aware that I do this, and this is mainly from my participation with the youth worship team during our Wednesday evening fellowship supper. Nobody pays a bit of attention to us and, though this makes me angry on a certain level, is perfectly fine with me on a more base level--I really do not want my traditional folks to know I do "contemporary" music. And why might you ask? Because we still have several folks who think that contemporary is evil, that it is the end of the church, not just church music. I primarily want to leave the boat unrocked. Again, I consider this a political-type issue and try to remain neutral as much as possible in public.

I have had some time to consider these issues, and as I have said often, I chose to go into the Methodist church for several reasons. One, because they do still have a great appreciation for classical and traditional style church music. A quick aside: It is funny to me how my definition of "traditional" has changed in such a short time. Not too long ago, my idea of traditional would have been gospel songs and old "choruses" that were the mainstay of my traditional, Assemblies of God growing up. Of course, traditional means different things to different people. And, second, because I do not think of myself as the hippest cat on the block, and I wanted to enter a world where I could dabble in areas that I do well, but not have the pressure to be the most cutting edge rocker type. In other words, I would rather be the coolest thing in a not so cool place instead of being the nerdiest thing in an all too cool place. Not very spiritual, but practical from my point of view when I was at a low and looking for something to rebuild "me."

But I am wondering if the death of one style of worship is all that bad of a thing? This has been the case throughout the history of the church. There was a time when the organ was considered evil and its introduction into the church a sacrilege. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a traditional service better than most folks. I absolutely love a good liturgy, the higher the church the better. But, when it comes right down to it, the thing that connects me to God in an intimate, rather than transcendent way more easily is going to be on the side of contemporary. Whereas, I like the organ and love to hear it played well and I like how it accompanies and makes the congregation sing out all the louder, it is not the organ that I think of when I think about "worship." And herein lies the rub: Do we so equate our music with our worship that the two cannot be removed from each other? Are we so afraid of losing what makes us comfortable that we will sacrifice being relevant to younger people?

Now, I know there are those who would say that Traditional worship is just as relevant as contemporary worship and that any age person can find God in it. And I agree with this statement. However, I wonder how well someone who did not grow up with some acquaintance with church traditions would be able to understand what we do? It doesn't mean that they cannot, it just means there are a lot of cultural barriers to their coming closer to God. Even in contemporary services there are still a lot of churchy barriers, but at least the music (for the most part) and the more casual dress of the people and the less structured feeling of the service make the harder to swallow parts easier for the average unchurched person. I think in American churches we have a hard time believing there are actually people who have no idea what we do in church on a weekly basis. Just ask someone who does not go to church at all to tell you the Biblical Christmas story or how the Easter bunny came out of the tomb on Easter Sunday and saw his shadow and went back in for another six weeks. Well, maybe that last one is a stretch.

I am just thinking a lot about this idea of bringing people to Jesus, rather than bringing them to "church." I am thinking about connecting people to Christ, rather than just counting church attendees/members. I am wondering how long I can pretend this is not my job.

A Weird Musical Posting

Okay, so I have been teaching voice lessons again for the last couple of months. I have a couple of young, private students and five that I teach for credit at the community college. It is interesting to be back in the swing of teaching and getting to know voices again. Most of my students are pretty good, which is nice. They are, for the most part, learning their music rather quickly (a phenomenon I am not used to) so we began to talk about adding to their repertoire for the semester. My first thought is to add some "interesting" American music. My old students will know that I have a certain affinity for American composers like Samuel Barber and Ned Rorem and Charles Ives. So, I brought in Barber's Hermit Songs and several Rorem songs. Well, these were not a hit by any stretch of the imagination. I only had one of the students really take to any of them. Comments were along the lines of: "Well, I've heard music like that before, I just never thought of singing them myself."

For you classical vocal aficionados: How far along in your study did it take for you to develop an ear for quirky music? I admit, the first time I heard Barber songs was when I was in high school and my voice teacher always tried to get me to sing "The Monk and His Cat" and I told him I hated it. Now, it is one of my favorite American art songs.

OK, this was a really nerdy post that does not pertain to most of my readers (all three of you), but I rarely ever post on anything musical and thought I would give it a shot. The picture above is Ned Rorem, a man who lives on Nantucket. . . really.

Ramblings and Other Rants for the Week

OK, so my oldest daughter turned eight on Saturday. It was fun and sad all at the same time. We had a good day, starting with the night before. I have trained her well. She wanted to go eat at my favorite restaurant in honor of her birthday, and who am I to tell her "No." We got her some High School Musical toys and a scooter. All good.

Sad news: We have decided to find our puppy a new home. He drives me absolutely crazy. Truth is, he is a good dog, but I am not in a dog state of mind right now. We are too busy to have a dog with our very active lives and 3 small children. The girls are not devastated. My little Liz thinks we should get a goldfish. I guess we will get over it. I will get over cleaning my brand new carpet every other day. So, if you are looking for a very cute puppy and have time to devote to him, give me a call.

Interesting news #1: I heard on Bill Maher Friday night that the most conservative of states actually lead the country in divorces, obesity, and other such issues. If Red state=Christian, then I wonder what this says about the church? Are we any different? Maybe this is the problem. The world sees us as just like them, only too full of ourselves to admit it.

Interesting news #2: Bob Jones III is supporting Mitt Romney for president. Wow.

In Churchy news: Willow Creek has done a significant study of churches and their success in connecting people to Jesus. I was glad to hear some of these things from people other than myself. Mainly the point was that churches try to take people who are far from God and make them into disciples. And we do this by giving them opportunities to participate in programs like worship services, classes, small groups, service projects, etc. But the study found that participation in programs does not produce disciples at all. We have a tendency to look at church as a one size fits all kind of experience, everyone should be involved in everything the church does. And this is great for folks who are exploring Christianity or who are growing in their new walk with Christ, but it is increasingly disappointing to people who are close to Christ or who are centered in Christ, those who would call their relationship with Christ the most important relationship they have. The church is not meeting the needs of those who are truly committed to Christ and who are close to Him. The study also found another group of people who were stalled in their walk with Christ, people who believe in Christ as their Savior, but who are not investing time with Him. Oddly enough, these folks are some very faithful church members.

The implications of the Willow Creek study are striking. Rather than asking the question: "How many people are we reaching?" we should be asking "How are the things we are doing in our church helping people to meaningfully connect with Christ?" We need to look beyond staff members and key volunteers and ask the people who are in the church what they really need and what works, and what does not work. We need to deeply listen to these folks. And, significantly, we cannot do this alone. We need to rethink all old assumptions and make changes as necessary that are informed by our research and grounded in the Scriptures.

Again, the question is: "Are we connecting people to Jesus?" Here is the link to the video from Willow Creek.

A Thief in the Night, Panama City Style

OK, I had a weird experience today. Everything has gone seriously back to normal since we returned from the Land of Enchantment, Disney style. It has rained a lot these past few days. In fact, today it pretty much rained all day and there was a tornado warning. Fun. Well, normally on Thursdays I go to church in the morning, teach a voice lesson at noon, and then go home for an hour to start my weekly laundry and other household chores that never get done until Thursday before I go pick up Emma at school. On Thursdays, we spend some time together in the afternoons and I have started to teach her piano lessons. She is doing fine, she just wants to be perfect at it without any practice. We are working on that one.

Anyway, so my story goes a little something like this: When I left home to pick Emma up at school (we live less than 2 miles from the school), I heard a tornado warning on the radio, but it was several miles away from us and moving even further away. So, no worries on my end. I get to the school and there is not very much movement. I park, get out of my car, and weave through the other cars that are parked in the pick-up line. It is raining, but not pouring by any means. I begin to notice that there are no people in any of these parked cars. The blinds are all drawn on the classroom windows. [For those of you not familiar with schools in northwest Florida, they remind me of drive-up motels. You can go directly to each classroom from outside. I think it is a little weird and I wonder about how they can really lock down the entire school safely in case crazy ensues.] And, though I have not worried about this in some time, my first thought was: "Dear God, I have missed the rapture!" I could hear that old-fashioned alarm clock going off by the side of the bed in the cult classic "A Thief in the Night." Scary. I mean that Christian dude had the worst teeth I have ever seen. ; ) I knocked on the door and eventually my wife came to the door (she teaches in the classroom next to Emma's) and let me in. The students were under lock down due to the weather. I took my little one, who will be 8 years old on Saturday, and we "braved" the weather and went home.

It is amazing to me how, no matter how old I get, or however my theology evolves, the things we learn from our youngest days tend to stick with us, or at least come back to us in times of crisis (whether real or perceived). I guess this can be both good and bad. I have no intention of debating the scriptural accuracy of dispensationalist eschatology in this blog, so I will leave it at that. Really, at this point in my life, I spend very little time [read: none at all] fearfully contemplating the end of the world. I think this is a diversion from more pressing issues, like the things Jesus talked about most--healing the sick, clothing the naked, making way for His Kingdom to come on earth as it is in heaven--those types of things.

I had an interesting exchange this week, or more precisely, near exchange over presidential politics and the upcoming election. I never talk about politics at church, especially since I am no longer the most conservative of the bunch. For the most part, I leave my thoughts out of any political conversation (and I did this time as well). I direct this senior ladies choir that sings at area nursing homes and retirement centers. At the end of each rehearsal we have a time for prayer concerns, and considering their age, this can be an extensive period. One of the younger members of the choir is not a Methodist. I am not sure where she attends church, but it is definitely a charismatic church of some sort. At the end of the prayer concerns, she gravely mentioned that we needed to pray for the upcoming election. Florida's primaries are coming up in January and "we need to pray that the right man is elected." Which, of course, was seconded by "or the right woman." This led to a slight altercation about whether or not our current president was, in fact, the right person. Anyway, I prayed that God's will would be done in us and in our country.

But I got to thinking again: Does God care who is the president of the US of A? I remember spending hours complaining about the moral woes of the Clinton administration back in the 1990s. And, though I keep it mostly to myself, I have just as many (or more) complaints about the current, "Christian" administration. I will vote for the right person, who may or may not be a man. In the end, I think that God mostly cares that we do the things that He expects of us personally. I am not convinced that the idea of a "Christian nation" is all that good of a thing (or ever was a reality in our history for that matter). I guess I can hope that the Rapture will come and we won't have to worry about it. But I have this sneaking suspicion that we will make it through the next election cycle.

Cue music: "Life was filled with guns and war . . . " Fade to white . . .

Back from the Happiest Place on Earth

Well, we had a great weekend at Walt Disney World. I will post most of our pictures on my Facebook at some point in the near future. October is a wonderful time to go to Disney. We never had to wait for rides very long and the girls, on the whole, enjoyed themselves and being with each other. Mad did not particularly care for the characters. She was a little traumatized by Tigger and Piglet at Epcot and it did not get any better with the princesses. That was fun for us. We spent Saturday at Epcot with all the folks who came for the International Wine and Food Festival. Let me tell you, we started in "Mexico" and ate there, but by the time we made it all the way around the World Showcase, there were a lot of drunk people. I was afraid my girls would learn some new sign language and some colorful turns of phrase while we rested in "Canada." They also had an exhibit honoring the 100th anniversary of Oklahoma's statehood. Sunday we went to the Magic Kingdom and it was the perfect day to go. The girls were in Disney heaven.

I can say that all in all it was a success because I did not think about work or take anything to plan while I was away. Then, of course, Monday came and we had to come back. I think I want to go to work for Disney. Well, maybe I do. I can only imagine what it is like to be pleasant to all of the people who come to Disney during the year. Kinda like working for the church, except with funny costumes and a kind word for everyone. Wait, it is just like working in the church.

And speaking of people, even though it was a small crowd, there are always interesting folks to see. It is amazing the cross section of society that comes to Disney. For instance, you have some very pretty people and then some really unfortunate folks. And some nerds that wear the silly Mouseketeer ears or worse, the Fantasia sorcerer's hats. I wanted to tell these poor, unfortunate souls something ironic and witty, but realized I was there too and did not have firm footing. Although, I never did put on ears. I always hear a lot of languages at Disney and that is fun. It seems like a lot of British folks come to WDW as well. I wonder what these folks from abroad think of all the Americanisms at Disney. I mean, the Hall of Presidents at the Magic Kingdom and the American Experience at Epcot. Of course, it is propaganda, but propaganda that we like about ourselves and how wonderful we are. I just wonder how others view it.

Well, everything is back to normal now, but I realize that I need to vacation more often than I do. If I knew it in my head before, I know it in my heart now. I can only give so much before there is nothing left to give. And that is not good for me, or my family, or for the church. Even a short vacation gave me something to look forward to last week and has given me enough zeal to make it through to Christmas (I hope).

Klingon Boggle and Other Degrees of Nerdiness

Well, I have spent most of the last week under the weather. I think I probably drove myself sick. I had another bad day on Wednesday and by nightfall I had a fever. It has been on and off since then, but I feel much better in the evenings than I do in the mornings. I have had several epiphanies over the last few days, but the biggest thing I have learned is that I need to get over myself, not take everything personally, and just get on with life. Easier said than done, but I am going to try. Sunday was good, even though I was still feverish all morning. Monday has been great. One of my biggest anxiety-inducing issues got some resolution. Thank God for small favors. I have less to do this week at church because I am going to be out of town this weekend. I am taking the fam to the happiest place on earth. If I cannot get out of the country, at least I can go to Epcot and the Magic Kingdom and have a faux-international good time. I will buy myself a lovely French chocolate pastry and blissfully go to my happy place.

I have some new favorite television shows too. I watched Pushing Daisies and it was weirdly enjoyable. It is about this guy who has the power to return someone to life for a minute. If he lets them live longer than a minute, someone in the near proximity dies. It was weird in an Amelie kind of way, you know with the weird voice over (kind of like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory in color scheme and Oompa Loompa voice over). But I liked Amelie, so that is good. I like a weirdly off-putting show.

I have liked How I Met Your Mother for some time now. I think it is one of the wittier sitcoms on television right now (which is not saying much). It is now followed by this show called The Big Bang Theory about these two quantum physics-type nerds who live across the hall from a beautiful girl who is a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory. I have never heard so many big words in a sitcom. It probably will not last, but it has the best nerd humor I have heard on a television show in a long time. The two nerds have this friend who always speaks to the girl in a different language. At one point he speaks to her in Russian and when she does not respond, he asks her something to the effect of "What, haven't you ever been told you are beautiful in flawless Russian?" "No." "Well, get used to it." Funny. It is funny to me since I think of myself as a nerd, but I discovered something very important after watching this show. There is a wide spectrum of nerdiness. There are arts nerds, and science nerds, and Star Trek (or Lord of the Rings, etc.) nerds, and on and on. I would rather be an "arts" nerd than a "science" nerd any day. Wow, at least I do not play Klingon Boggle. You know, it's Boggle. . . but in Klingon. If you are interested, and God help you if you are, here is the online Klingon Language Institute.

Getting to Know Me

"And if children, then heirs, heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ, if so be that we suffer with him, that we may also be glorified together. For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." Romans 8:17-18

I have often said that this blog has been a catharsis for me in this time that I am relearning "me." I cannot say that I am completely thrilled with everything I have come to realize about myself as a result, but at least it is allowing me to verbalize some things and, in turn, deal with them.

After my stress-filled Thursday, I took a day off from life. I went to Destin (a little more than an hour away) and checked into the Wyndham Hotel there. Nice. And very quiet. I went to the Barnes and Noble since we do not have one in Panama City and I saw a choir member. I admit, I hid until they left. I just did not want to be "on" right then. I drove by a beautiful Greek Orthodox Church that was being built when I moved to Florida and is now completed. It reminded me of a smaller version of the one in Dallas I used to visit often. I had hoped for a grand revelation from God. I did not get that, but I did figure some things out.

1. I have been angry with God for a while now, at least since He started to make me miserable in Waxahachie. It is painful to write this, and I hate that it is true. But I have to be honest here. I loved what I was doing, even in spite of the turmoil that was such a part of my last few years there. It was exactly what I wanted for my life to be (pretty much) and I still feel like it was snatched away from me. I told colleagues that if it took my leaving to bring about change there, then so be it. I did not think I was part of the problem, really; I just understood that I would not be part of the solution. I made choices and I believe with all my heart that these were God's choices, but sometimes it is difficult to give up a dream that God gave you to do something else He wants you to do. I have also been angry because I do not feel like God has taken care of everything that my family needs in order to feel truly successful in this new endeavour, so it makes me question whether I am doing what I need to be doing. Our pastor made a comment a couple of weeks ago about finding new dreams, and it was a bitter pill to swallow, since I liked the old ones so much. I guess this is what dying to self is all about. I think I hate it. But writing it down makes me feel better and closer to God in a way that is hard for me to explain. It has been like finally He can talk to me about this issue, since I now understand it well enough to verbalize it.

2. I have been reminded that I have a large support group here. This has been nice. Everyone realizes that I am going through a dark night of the soul and are very conscientious of that fact. I am thankful for all of them. I know that even though I am a long way from my family, I have the best supporters that I have ever had in my life. True friends that stick closer than brothers.

3. I need to start exercising again. I realized that my downward spiral began about the time I stopped exercising due to getting too busy. So, I decided to go back on my Medifast for a week or two and will attempt to begin running again soon. I have only gained a couple of pounds, well 3.5, but I need to nip it while it is only a couple (and I have already lost 2 pounds since returning to the fast). FYI: I heard on Real Time with Bill Maher that exercise can alter your mood as much or more than prescription medication, so I am going to have to get back to it.

4. The biggest thing I realized is that I am doing too much without any down time. I had the tendency while I was teaching to get overextended, but this was in short bursts. If I taught a big overload, I knew that it would only be for a few months and then I would have a month off or the summer off. Now, I have gotten overextended and have no opportunity for repose. So, I am going to have to figure out a way to delegate some of my responsibilities so that I do not go mad and so that I can still be a part of my children's lives.

5. Best of all, I realized again that we are where we need to be and that I need to embrace the frustrations that I am experiencing right now. I know I am not the only one going through these things, I am not alone here, and trials are a way to make us better stewards of our relationships with God and those special people in our lives. In the midst of this struggle, I am made aware of all of the wonderful things that I have as a result of being here and doing what God asked me to do. New dreams coming to fruition. I am grateful for His continued grace and compassion, thankful that He does not leave me in the midst of my frustrations.

Now, pray for me. Although I have come to some good realizations, not all of the answers are within my control or my power to change. Many of them require a real miracle in order for there to be true resolution. I would love me some resolution. Miracles are good too.

So my question is: Is it okay to be upset with things God has asked of you? Is it possible to still love God and be upset with Him? I am still totally devoted to God and to His work in this world, and I have the faith that all will work out for our good. I just wish it would already.

Peace.

Thursdays Are the New Mondays AND Remembering An Old "Friend"

This has been the most stress filled day I have had in a long time. I realized just how shallow my breaking point has become. Again, I think this is one of the clearest ways God speaks to me. He gets my attention by allowing things in my life to get so hectic, so crazy that there is nothing I can do but focus on him. At least now others know how I feel and can pray for me in a way that might actually benefit me and the work of the Kingdom. Often, I would rather just go on pretending that everything is fine and then just implode in secret. But everything is not fine. Thank God, I believe it will be. Honestly, though, I am tired of fighting, whether that be the "good" fight or any fight. I had someone tell me that I needed to have more faith. My problem is that these last couple of years have been so wonderfully draining that it is hard to fathom needing more faith to get to some resolution. I really just wish for once God would give in and allow me to know a little bit into the future so that I could stop worrying about it so much. Again, I am tired and I need God to revive me.

I woke up this morning thinking about this girl I went to school with back in Oklahoma City. She was one of the oddest people I ever met, even to this day, and that is saying a lot because I have met some real winners in my lifetime. Remember, I have a bulls eye on my back that reads: "Tell me your story." So the story goes, we went to the Christian school and were completely filled with the love of Christ at all times. We just did not show it very often. Well, not the true love of Christ. She transferred into the school when we were in 4th grade. She talked baby talk with her sister. She wore very high heeled shoes in the 5th grade. There was one day she offered to carry the lunch trays back into the kitchen while wearing said shoes and she slipped on a wet spot in the floor and fell with 30 or more trays. I remember thinking she would not have fallen if she had not been wearing those shoes. No compassion.

When we were in high school, she always read romance novels and we thought she just might end up in hell for that (forget the fact that we were condescending and judgmental). There was this one day in English class where we all got up to read our assigned short stories. She got up to read her story and it was filled with things that could have been read in various ways. But, because she was always reading things we did not approve of, we thought her story was really a "romance" in disguise. Everyone started to laugh and she ran out of the class.

I never wondered about her family life. I was usually kind because I never felt like I fit in either, but at least I was a functional nerd. Maybe no one's favorite, but usually not the last one chosen either. I only saw her one time after graduation. I had moved back home to finish college and she worked in a grocery store about a mile from where my parents were living at the time. I went in the store a few times and she would be there, but she rarely spoke to me. Once she was at the checkout counter and did not speak other than normal pleasantries (and this was someone I had known at that time for over ten years). I guess I really showed her the love of Christ so much, she just could not wait to talk to me again. Now, granted, I went through a period where I was not very interested in seeing any of my old high school friends (case in point, I did not attend my 10 year reunion because I could have cared less), a period which oddly enough ended only a few months before I moved to Florida. It was more of a period of apathy rather than of contempt. I just cannot fathom what contempt "Christian" young people can create in the lives of their peers.

I am not sorry for being a good kid with bad judgment. I do not apologize for being stupid. If I had it to do again, I would have done things differently, but that ain't gonna happen. I just look to things like this, mistakes from the past, as portals of discovery that speak to my present. I wish I could look back without seeing these painful memories, memories I caused or that were caused by others against me. But these are in fact the things that have made me who I am. Thank God for that, because for once, I am really glad to be me.

Peace

Oh yeah, the picture is of me and Tom Greene back in 1985 in Wichita, Kansas at Colonial Heights Assembly of God after I had won the Regional Teen Talent Male Vocal Solo when I was 13. Wasn't I just a-working it with the mauve bow tie?

Fear Itself

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."--FDR

How many things do we do out of fear? How many things do we not do because we are afraid of what the consequences or repercussions will be? How often do we decide not to stand for the truth because we are fearful that someone who is listening to us will make our lives more difficult?

I think most of us who work in full-time church ministry deal with this type of fear everyday. We have to pick our battles and determine what things are worth fighting for and what things are worth dropping all together. Do we have to do this because of who we are as leaders or because of who we lead? I had an interesting conversation with a colleague this week, and this is not the first conversation I have had like this. Before I decided to go into full-time church ministry, I had several people ask me if that was REALLY what I wanted to do. I told them it was and that I always felt that at some point in my professional life I needed to do this. Well, the most recent conversation went something to this effect: Me: "You know, working in the church can be interesting." Them: "I don't know how you deal with CHURCH people. I work at my church, but I don't know how you can do it full time. It would just be exhausting." I had very little rebuttal. I told this person that I worked with a lot of wonderful people, and they said, well, they are all wonderful, just difficult.

I have thought about this a good bit and I have to wonder: "Do church folks deserve the bad rap they get in the world and in the emergent arena?" I read a long thread to one of my favorite blogs this past week and it seems that many either love the church wholeheartedly and blindly, defending her with their last breath; or, they hate the church and despise her every action as the misguided steps of people who just do not get the 21st century. I guess my real question is can their be a balance between loving the church as the Bride of Christ, our mother, and still being aggravated and, sometimes disgusted with what she does (in Jesus' name)? I think that most blind church lovers think the emergents are out to destroy the church and the emergents think the blind church lovers have already done a good job of destroying the church. What is sad is I think most people on both sides love the Bride of Christ and the Bridegroom, it is just that our methods and terminologies are so different that we cannot communicate well with each other. What must this communication gap be like for those who are not in the church at all?

I am hoping to find the balance between a total love for the Church as Christ's Bride which we are commanded to do in the Scriptures and a critical spirit which is often at the fore in emergent discussion of the church. I think it is like this: I can speak about my mother all day long, but don't let me catch anyone else speaking about her in a negative way. We often speak most critically of that which we love most, that we care about most, that we want to see flourish and are disappointed when she does not exceed our expectations. Christ told us that we would do greater things, now let's stop arguing about exactly how to do those things, and just do them. Let us be willing to overcome our fear with the power of the Holy Spirit and hopefully our fear of each other will dissipate into cooperative work toward the prize, the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

Catching My Breath

Well, I am nearing the end of another hectic week that was birthed out of the last hectic week I had. This past weekend was a rousing success by all accounts. Saturday morning I gave a short seminar at a very contemporary United Methodist church in the area on "Entering the Presence of God." It was very well received and made me want to do more of this type of thing, you know, teaching and exhorting. I'm no preacher, but I could do things like this all day long. The wedding Saturday evening was probably the biggest I have seen at the church (and probably the biggest wedding I have ever been to). It was clear the couple was very special to a lot of people. Everyone enjoyed the music that we presented, but it got me to thinking about how much effort I actually put into preparing for these things. I guess I always have to have something to obsess about, so here goes.

I wonder if I ever put all of myself into anything that I do. This will sound conceited, but it does not take much of me to present a very professional, polished product. I am thankful that God has blessed me with above average intelligence and talent so that I am able to perform above expectations even when I am not giving all of myself to a certain project. Now, granted, I am a busy person and have to divide my time between six musical ensembles, music department administration, my teaching load, and my family; but I guess I am concerned that I never feel that I have given all that I could. Is it okay to give only a portion of oneself if that is good enough for most people, or worse still, more than most would be willing to give. I guess only God knows (and I know to a certain extent) what my full mental, emotional, and spiritual capacity are at any given moment.

Maybe I should stop worrying about this, but it goes back to the core of my entrance into full-time church ministry last year. Is this something that can keep my attention and focus for the long haul, or is this just an intermission in an otherwise devoted life? It is a puzzlement.

I read an interesting summary of the 2007 State of the Church report for the United Methodist Church. It read: "Laity and clergy express a high level of desire to attract more young people, ages 18 to 30, to the church, but a much lower level of willingness to change practices and invest budgets to do so." I found this very telling. I think we really believe that if we give it enough time, people's hearts will change and they will want to go to a traditional church. Sometimes this happens. I am an example of this in many ways, having grown up in a Pentecostal church where we had little if anything written down by way of liturgy that even singing the Gloria Patri or Doxology is significant to my wife. I remember when we first became Methodists she would sing the Gloria Patri all the time. It was her favorite worship song. But we did grow up in church and could see the beauty in these "new" traditions. I am not so sure that someone who did not grow up in church would so readily make the same assessments. Maybe I am wrong.

I often hear folks talk about how we need to be careful that we "preach the Word" and take a strong stand against worldliness. We definitely do not want to cater to every whim of the world. How could they know what they need when they are a bunch of sinners. This was something that we talked about in the Assemblies of God as well, so it is not something that is new to me. But my concern goes back to the cliched what would Jesus do? Well, from my reading of the Scriptures, Jesus hung around with people that I would not necessarily like. I mean, he would spend a lot of time at the rescue mission. Have you seen those people? And he met their needs. He did not ask them if they had a well-considered theology of the Messianic prophecies or if they understood the facets of the Trinity or how many angels can dance on the head of a pin. He just met their needs. He did forgive their sins, but often he did this in conjunction with meeting their more earthly needs. He fed them and healed them and often by doing so, initiated a way for them to become a part of the larger society again. And above all He was moved by compassion for them because they were like sheep without a shepherd.

The Church is meant to be that shepherd today. But if we close the gate to the pen before any of these wandering sheep can get in, or place the gate so far up the mountain, then what have we accomplished? If we place too many cultural barriers between the world and the ascended, risen Christ who just so happens to want a relationship with them, how much have we failed the world? Even worse, how much have we failed to be Christ to the world?

I love the Church. But I grow weary of fighting phantom battles. I want to fight the good fight, rather than putting out fires within the church. I fear it is possible to lose all ability to fight the right battles, because we can grow too tired from fighting the ones that never needed to be fought in the first place.

If you like the picture above, go here for more.