This has been the most stress filled day I have had in a long time. I realized just how shallow my breaking point has become. Again, I think this is one of the clearest ways God speaks to me. He gets my attention by allowing things in my life to get so hectic, so crazy that there is nothing I can do but focus on him. At least now others know how I feel and can pray for me in a way that might actually benefit me and the work of the Kingdom. Often, I would rather just go on pretending that everything is fine and then just implode in secret. But everything is not fine. Thank God, I believe it will be. Honestly, though, I am tired of fighting, whether that be the "good" fight or any fight. I had someone tell me that I needed to have more faith. My problem is that these last couple of years have been so wonderfully draining that it is hard to fathom needing more faith to get to some resolution. I really just wish for once God would give in and allow me to know a little bit into the future so that I could stop worrying about it so much. Again, I am tired and I need God to revive me.
I woke up this morning thinking about this girl I went to school with back in Oklahoma City. She was one of the oddest people I ever met, even to this day, and that is saying a lot because I have met some real winners in my lifetime. Remember, I have a bulls eye on my back that reads: "Tell me your story." So the story goes, we went to the Christian school and were completely filled with the love of Christ at all times. We just did not show it very often. Well, not the true love of Christ. She transferred into the school when we were in 4th grade. She talked baby talk with her sister. She wore very high heeled shoes in the 5th grade. There was one day she offered to carry the lunch trays back into the kitchen while wearing said shoes and she slipped on a wet spot in the floor and fell with 30 or more trays. I remember thinking she would not have fallen if she had not been wearing those shoes. No compassion.
When we were in high school, she always read romance novels and we thought she just might end up in hell for that (forget the fact that we were condescending and judgmental). There was this one day in English class where we all got up to read our assigned short stories. She got up to read her story and it was filled with things that could have been read in various ways. But, because she was always reading things we did not approve of, we thought her story was really a "romance" in disguise. Everyone started to laugh and she ran out of the class.
I never wondered about her family life. I was usually kind because I never felt like I fit in either, but at least I was a functional nerd. Maybe no one's favorite, but usually not the last one chosen either. I only saw her one time after graduation. I had moved back home to finish college and she worked in a grocery store about a mile from where my parents were living at the time. I went in the store a few times and she would be there, but she rarely spoke to me. Once she was at the checkout counter and did not speak other than normal pleasantries (and this was someone I had known at that time for over ten years). I guess I really showed her the love of Christ so much, she just could not wait to talk to me again. Now, granted, I went through a period where I was not very interested in seeing any of my old high school friends (case in point, I did not attend my 10 year reunion because I could have cared less), a period which oddly enough ended only a few months before I moved to Florida. It was more of a period of apathy rather than of contempt. I just cannot fathom what contempt "Christian" young people can create in the lives of their peers.
I am not sorry for being a good kid with bad judgment. I do not apologize for being stupid. If I had it to do again, I would have done things differently, but that ain't gonna happen. I just look to things like this, mistakes from the past, as portals of discovery that speak to my present. I wish I could look back without seeing these painful memories, memories I caused or that were caused by others against me. But these are in fact the things that have made me who I am. Thank God for that, because for once, I am really glad to be me.
Peace
Oh yeah, the picture is of me and Tom Greene back in 1985 in Wichita, Kansas at Colonial Heights Assembly of God after I had won the Regional Teen Talent Male Vocal Solo when I was 13. Wasn't I just a-working it with the mauve bow tie?
7 comments:
So, if you saw her in the store today, what would you say?
Amiee, I don't know what I would say. I would genuinely be surprised and glad to see her. I think on the whole I was a nice person, and we got along well, I thought. But that did not mean that I was not judgmental about some of her idiosyncrises. It is that judgmentalism that I am continuing to give up.
How often do you hear from her?
Dr. Keaton wrote:
"... because for once, I am really glad to be me."
What is making the change in opinion regarding that statement? Is it who you are becoming, or the perception of who you are and have been?
For me, the Dr. Keaton I know is a person I am glad to know. It is probably true that one is not always as glad to be themselves as others might think or see. I am fairly convinced that if we could see ourselves as God does, we could change the world.
Thank God for those times he provides in which we come to see more from His point of view!
Did I hear you went to see a Catholic priest? :-)
Honestly, there are several people you could be talking about, so I'm not really sure. I think there are only about 3 people that I haven't talked to since high school (searching everyone out and all), but most of them only once or twice. I was just trying to make you think about HOW you've changed since then. HOW you would see her differently now that we're "all grown up". I find it hard sometimes to let go of my "back then" opinion and see everyone for what they've become. Especially if someone had treated me badly (whether they may have known it or not) or hurt my feelings back then. I sure wouldn't want anyone now to think of me the way I was then either! I'm proud of myself and who I've become. Not so much back then.....
Amiee, surely you remember the bumble bee and the flower? I wish I had been absent that day.
As for HOW I would see someone differently now than before, again I don't know. A couple of years ago I got to see a good number of our former classmates and it was very enjoyable and 15 years had passed since we graduated. I had a good time and since then I have only talked to one of them personally (by telephone). And since it is highly unlikely that I will ever live in Oklahoma again (where the bulk of our classmates still live), it is unlikely that I will ever get the opportunity to reacquaint myself with them. And, truly, if we had not all gone to the same school by our parents' choice, none of us would have necessarily known each other. And, probably our greatest commonality was the school itself. Without that, I had very little in common with most of the students we went to school with.
So, how would I see this person? Probably a good bit of my perception would have to be based on our shared past. I think that is a given. But none of us are the same people anymore, I hope. I mean, I would hate to be that person who still hangs out with the Seniors wondering where all the cool parties are this Friday.
Well, as I’ve spent the last few years agonizing over this question, let me take a shot at it.
For one thing, I’m learning to see people the way that God sees them. Note I said “learning”. Of course, I’ll never really see people the way that God sees them but, at the very least, and on a good day, I’m beginning to see past people’s idiosyncrasies to the heart of who they are. A child of God. Christian or non-Christian, btw (if I may bring that theological debate to your blog, Dr. Keaton).
Second, I’m now fully aware of why I make fun of people or, more specifically, why, when I was younger, I was afraid to stick up for people who were being made fun of. Because their loss was my gain. As long as jabs were pointed in their direction, they weren’t pointed at me. What a little wuss I was. I’m still ashamed of it.
Third, I’ve come to a “who in the world do I think I am?” realization. I’m not cool. I’m nowhere near the be all end all. So where in the world would I get off making fun of somebody else?
Like Brandon, I may not have something in common with everybody and, therefore, may not make a suitable “best friend”, but geez, surely I can find time in my important little world to let somebody know that they’re not alone and that they are loved.
If I could go back and do it over again, I definitely would. And I’d start by sitting at a different lunch table. No more forty-five minute debates over tongues and ones ability to lose their salvation or not. I’d actually try and be a Christian.
I am happy to be the uncool, yet witty person I have become. This has been a liberating process. I realize that though I may not be the coolest thing on earth, I have a lot to offer this world and the Kingdom because of His grace. I have spent far too much of my life selling myself short and dealing with self-worth struggles. Enough said.
As for the Child of God debate. I reserve the right to hold comments until a later date. Not ready for relativistic/universalist accusations just yet.
So, how are your "seeker" classes going?
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