I Won't Grow Up

The other day, I was responding to a "friend" request from another person that I had not thought about in almost 20 years. Lately, I have noticed an upward swing in old "friends" finding me on Facebook and wanting to get reacquainted. Honestly, most of this has been funny to me. I don't know what it is about 20-year reunions, but it seems like more people begin to wonder about what "old so-and-so" is doing these days around the 20 year mark. I remember my mother-in-law telling me years ago that people start to be interested in old friends then because they are less interested in impressing old rivals, and more truly curious about people from back in the day. Personally, I think most people, when they join Facebook, become friend sluts and want as many as they possibly can. Truth be told, I have been de-friending people lately, mostly my more recent students, but sometimes people who send me things I hate. You know what I am talking about. And all those people who keep posting pictures of me, your time is coming.

When I was living in Texas, I worked with a person who had far more contacts back into my life in Oklahoma than I ever kept. I never felt bad about that. I always thought if those people wanted me to know what was going on in their lives, they would find me and let me know. But, because of this person, I knew everything that was going on with just about anyone I would care (or not care, for that matter) to know about. In many ways, this was mildly annoying. I wasn't really interested in what "old so-and-so" was up to, but I always got at least a weekly dose whether I needed it or not. When I moved to Florida this all dried up and I was all right with that. Until, out of the blue, some messages from members of my graduating class appeared in my inbox. And another friend invited me to join Facebook, and now my friends list is full of these people--people that I really had nothing in common with except geography. Still, it has been an interesting exercise getting acquainted all over again with these people, whose names are forever etched on my psyche (for both good and bad reasons respectively). It is amazing how comfortable and comforting it is to hear from someone I have known since 1976, despite the interlude of a dozen or more years. On a side note: Some of these folks have been very forthright in our conversations, in a way that you would be with a very close friend. It is my curse.

Which brings me to my thought for today: I do not like being a grown up. For much of my life, I was way too old for my age. I remember being such a fundy about music and insert something to be fundamentalist about, that I never had any time to have fun. And, I had to deal with some grown up things about myself earlier than some have to deal with them, so I always felt a little too old for my body. I chose friends that were like this as well. Way too serious. I always thought, "When I am 35, I will have finally grown into myself and feel comfortable that my inward age and outward age would be more in line." Well, this year I turn 37 and I can say unequivocally that I am not liking the being a grown up after all.

I realize that much of my outward expressions of seriousness and maturity couched a deep insecurity and immaturity. And, although I don't really deal with major insecurity anymore, I still feel so completely unprepared to deal with real-life struggles. Maybe everyone deals with these feelings. Maybe it is just me. I have talked about this before, but the older I get the more I wonder if I lived up to my potential, and not just the potential that others saw in me, but the potential I believed I had myself. The other day, I was wondering about greatness, and whether or not I will ever achieve any semblance of such, when I was quickly brought back to reality. I was talking to a woman yesterday who has very few options for jobs, and it really hit home to me that things could be much worse. Here I am wondering about what mark I will make on the world, and I really have it pretty easy. I get to set my own schedule. I get to do basically what I want, when I want. The church allows me to teach and thinks it is a good thing for me to do things in the community. Maybe I should not worry about being great.

All of this brings me back to my point, that I have not enjoyed becoming an adult. Maybe I thought being a grown up would mean I would not worry anymore. Maybe I really was a child. Maybe, I still am.

You're My Only Hope

Well, it has been a week since the inauguration. The earth is still spinning, just in case any Dobsonites were worried the world might indeed come to a fiery end the day after Obama became President. I must admit that I was completely overwhelmed at the whole process. Tuesday at one o'clock, I went home to run on the treadmill (yes, I am back to that again--just can't seem to regulate my weight without it) and watch the inauguration again that I watched the first time over the internet at the church. Since not everyone there is as thrilled as I am, I had to keep it on the down low. No crying or anything. I admit that his speech was not what I anticipated. It got better as it went on. First half: meh. Second half: back to Obama's eloquent form.

We may try to take our children to DC this summer to show them all of the monuments and the museums. Our poor children. I realized yesterday that we have become the Keaton family of Family Ties fame. I am just assured our children will be the most conservative of conservatives, and there Misty and I will be in our old age hippiedom. It is a work in progress, I understand, since no one would take us for hippies now. But wait, our day is coming.

Lots of things are going on around me, but right now I seem to be immune to the craziness. I am grateful for this for now.

In other news: Emma was the "Student of the Quarter" for her class this past quarter. The school no longer gives out "Student of the Month" awards, so this is a bigger deal. Marcia Brady strikes again.

We have become Mormons. Well, not exactly, but we have established a family game night each Saturday evening. We have dinner and play a board game. It is a little cultish, I know, but we are trying to spend quality time engaging our children now that they are getting a little older. I feel like a Dugger. No wait, do they play board games or is that evil?

The girls planted a tree today in honor of Misty's father. Let's pray that the winter does not return. Last week it was in the 20s in Florida. Today it was back in the 70s. I am confused.

Otherwise, this has been a dull week. I really thought change was a-comin.' Help me Obama Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

Significant Insignificance

As much as I value my opinion, I have very seldom thought it was necessary for anyone to agree with me or to value my thoughts as much as I value them. Or at least I pretend this is the case. I guess I really just want people to take me seriously, but I am finding that more people do than I ever thought. And I am wondering about the gravity or lack thereof I place on certain things.

I have come to the realization that the things I say are important and every episode in life may have lasting repercussions, far beyond what trivial weight I may give them at the time. In one of my more recent blogs I mentioned the triviality of conversations that led me down the path I am on at present, admitting that I did not realize what was happening at the time.

Case in point: Last fall I had a student who I did not really think I was connecting with. The person was not overly talented and, I admit, there were days I was just phoning it in as an instructor. At the end of the semester, there was clear improvement in the student's voice and overall demeanor. I had a member of the faculty where I teach now comment about how much this student liked me--that I could do no wrong, etc. So, I found myself in this guilty situation of having connected and effected a person's life without consciously intending to do so. Fascinating.

Case in point part 2: Recently I have become reacquainted with a former student who was in one class that I taught the last semester before I moved to Florida. I admit that I was not in the most clear of minds at that time in my life. Preparing for a new baby and a new life that was very nebulous then, I was not completely myself and not really paying attention to all of my students' needs. Or so I thought. It appears that things I told this student years ago now are still meaningful and acts of kindness that I thought little of at the time were still meaningful to this person. Intriguing.

I now understand that, despite my best efforts, when I am trying to be a "minister" I often fall flat. But, when I am most myself and not trying to channel the Holy Spirit for anything in particular, then I become most like Christ and express His love to those in my care the very best. Maybe it is like planning quality time with your children. It is never as meaningful to you or to them as it is when it evolves naturally out of who you are, as part of your relationship with them.

Life as ministry. The most insignificant moments can turn into pivotal moments of significance, whether we ever realize it or not.

John Wesley's Thoughts on "Unregenerate" Pastors

“A lifeless, unconverting, unconverted minister is the murderer-general of his parish. He enters not into the kingdom of heaven himself, and those that would enter in he suffers not. He stands in the gap between them and true religion; because he has it not, they are easy without it.”

From Letter to "John Smith", March 25, 1747

Three Years In . . .

This month marked the three year anniversary of my departure from my former life as a college music professor and my entry into full-time church ministry. There is still a bit of irony for me that my last day at the college was January 6, 2005. My personal epiphany came to fruition on the Day of Epiphany. And within the next few weeks we will have lived in Florida for three years. When I look back at events which seemed innocuous at the time, it is amazing what gravity they now have. I remember the conversation I had with a student who took my Music in Worship class seven years ago. She wondered whether or not I might be interested to help her church, a United Methodist Church, start a contemporary worship service. I told her at the time that it was impossible for me to consider doing that, even if I really wanted to do it. And then not even a year later when I was approached by the pastor of that church, and I decided there just might be something to all these inquiries. It is hard to believe that the time has passed so quickly.

In many ways these have been some of the most eventful years of our lives, despite the paradigm shift that has been the benchmark of this period. We have moved to a part of the country that is quite different than where we had lived. We have begun to think of ourselves as Methodists rather than aliens in a strange land. My little angels have grown up so much. I now have two children who do not really remember living in Texas, and therefore, do not remember our former life. My wife and I know each other better than we ever did before moving away from comfortable, safe surroundings.

I remember at the beginning of this journey a great sense of anxiety about what the future would hold and whether or not this path would be the one that I would stay on to the end. As time went on, I began to realize there was no necessity to know what next year holds, as long as I can trust in God to lead the way. During our first year here, there rarely came a day that I did not wonder about what was going on at the college or what my students and colleagues were doing. I realized a few months ago that it had been quite some time since I had wondered about those things. At first I worried about what people would think of my choices, fearing many would think I was a sinner for even considering the choices I had already made. Today, these are not worries that cross my mind. I am reminded of the passage from Genesis 41 in which Joseph names his first son Manasseh because "God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father's household." It is significant that, out of the blue, a friend from the former life called me yesterday and I began to realize how much harder it was now to speak of things I really did not remember. It was like talking through a haze, a very cloudy memory. The grief that used to accompany any thought of my former life was just not there anymore. I think that may be the greatest breakthrough I have had in years.

I guess what I am trying to say is that although I used to speak kindly about my new life and pretend it was home to me; now, I actually believe it now or at the very least, I have convinced myself I believe it. Maybe, for the first time, I am at home with myself.

Is Gay the New Black?

I read this months ago and thought it was interesting.

NEW YORK - Gay is the new black, say the protest signs and magazine covers, casting the gay marriage battle as the last frontier of equal rights for all.

Gay marriage is not a civil right, opponents counter, insisting that minority status comes from who you are rather than what you do.

The gay rights movement entered a new era when Barack Obama was elected the first black president the same day that voters in California and Florida passed referendums to prevent gays and lesbians from marrying, while Arizonans turned down civil unions and Arkansans said no to adoptions by same-sex couples.

You can read the rest of the article on MSNBC here.

Adults Only: A Medieval Guide to . . .

Okay, so this is a little bit racy for my blog, but I thought it was funny. The Church has never been keen on carnal relations, but I found this article that makes that fact ever so plain. Here is a portion of the article from The Smart Set:

Somehow the human race survived the Middle Ages, no mean feat when you consider how much literature was out there condemning sex. Church thinkers like Saint Jerome announced that carnal relations were “filthy” even within the bounds of holy matrimony: “The wise man should love his wife with cool discretion,” Jerome opined, “not with hot desire… Nothing is nastier than to love your own wife as if she were your mistress.” Intercourse for procreation was tolerable, the holy fathers begrudgingly admitted, but anyone who indulged in sex because they were in love or seeking physical pleasure was on a fast track to damnation. In fact, this attitude eventually led the Church to legislate on the most intimate details of married life: In 1215, the cleric Johannes Teutonicus was the first to announce that there was only one “natural” coital position — what we today call “the missionary position,” a term that was coined in the 1960s — which was also optimal for conception. Attempting any other position was a mortal sin, Johannes opined, involving exotic and unnecessary forms of stimulation.

Check out the rest of the article here. I especially liked the years of penance required for certain acts.

Father forgive me, I don't know what I blog.

End of the United States in 2010?

There was an interesting article published in The Wall Street Journal on December 29.

Here is a snippet:

As if Things Weren't Bad Enough, Russian Professor Predicts End of U.S.

MOSCOW -- For a decade, Russian academic Igor Panarin has been predicting the U.S. will fall apart in 2010. For most of that time, he admits, few took his argument -- that an economic and moral collapse will trigger a civil war and the eventual breakup of the U.S. -- very seriously. Now he's found an eager audience: Russian state media.

You can read the rest of the short article here. Definitely food for conspiracy theorists' thoughts.

Like Waking Up from the Longest Dream

I don't know where to begin . . .

Our Christmas vacation to Texas started out pretty normal, actually pretty boring. We decided to drive the longer part of our trip through Louisiana this time and we drove it all in one day. Fifteen hours makes for a long driving day, but it went pretty smoothly. I must admit that Misty drove the greater portion of our trip to Texas, mainly because I was reading that Twilight book. I am a little embarrassed, but over the course of our first week away, I read all four of those books. I think I may have become a teenage girl.

One of the highlights of our first week was a trip to the Dallas Museum of Art to see Tutankhamun and the Golden Age of the Pharaohs. I have never seen so many people at a museum. It was great to see the exhibit, but it was hard to really enjoy the pieces because there were so many people there. Misty and I took Emma alone to the museum and got to show her all the different styles of art. She is very artistic and enjoyed the modern art, especially Jackson Pollock. I think she just enjoyed having mom and dad all to herself for several hours.

We had a good Christmas with the entire family. We met the rest of my immediate family and Misty's family at my sister's home in Frisco. It was good to see everyone. I got a garden gnome. I was totally surprised (which I usually hate) and overjoyed. I love quirky things and it amazes me when people pay attention to the slightest thing I say. Christmas evening we went home to McKinney with my father-in-law and spent the next few days with him. Misty and her dad went all over town taking care of errands, paying bills, etc. He seemed very happy and talked about coming for a visit to Florida this summer. I had not seen him in a year and, though he seemed in good spirits, he seemed very frail. Misty assured me that this past summer he had looked the same. We had a good visit and after lunch on Sunday, December 28, we took some pictures together and left to go visit my family in Denton. We promised to return in a couple of days to have dinner together before we left for the return trip back to Florida.

I got to see my grandfather and my aunt Sunday night and we went shopping the next day and had a really good time. Tuesday we decided to go out for lunch and then some more shopping or whatever presented itself. After lunch, a few of us walked over to the music store a block away because I was looking for the music to a work I am supposed to sing with a community chorus here in Panama City this spring. As they were looking for the music, my sister called me and told me I needed to come back to the restaurant because Misty's dad had been found dead. I freaked out a little bit and was a little bit louder than is rational in the music store. I ran out the door and down the block. I must have looked pretty silly. But it was true, he was gone. Our little vacation ended right then.

We sent the three little girls to my sister's and went to Misty's dad's home to see the family already gathering. Thankfully, he had his funeral service planned and paid for, so all we had to do was verify the arrangements. His service was a week ago tomorrow. More than 350 people attended. He had really made an impact on his community. He was very generous and kind and would always drop anything to help someone out. I always thought people took advantage of him, but that was his ministry--helping people. He was not the most educated man, but I learned more from him than I would have in any class about what it means to shepherd people. If there were more people like him . . .

The rest of our stay in the Lone Star State was a flurry of cleaning his house and shredding a ridiculous amount of paperwork (he never got rid of anything) and taking care of all the business that proceeds someone's death. I knew this year would be interesting. I had a strange feeling several weeks ago that something big was on the horizon, that some big change lay just ahead. Truth is, I thought it would be something closer to home here in Florida.

It was freezing the day before we left, but by 5:00 Tuesday morning, it was 36 degrees so we could safely leave. We finally got home a little after 9:00 that night and it was about 76. It rained about 9 hours of our trip so it took 16 hours to get back home. Thankfully, our house was still standing and we made it back in one piece.

Now, please remember us in your prayers as we have several decisions to make concerning the estate over the next few months. And remember my sister as well. She got some discouraging news from the doctor and needs all of our prayers.

Peace, and happy new year.