Spiritual Identity Crisis

Well, it has been over a week since my last entry. Last week was rather quiet after the weekend passed into memory. Not much to report at all. I had a few quiet days in which I did little or nothing. They really did not help me as much as I would have liked, but we take what we can get when we can get it. Mostly, I read. I finished a short biography of Thomas Jefferson last week, and I read a book called Founding Faith about the faith lives of Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, John Adams, and James Madison. It was insightful. It has become important to me for some reason to understand what the Founders believed. Currently, I am reading a book about American history. I guess I am reading these books now because I subconsciously realize I will be tied up reading theological books for the next year or so while I work toward ordination.

After my quiet days, I had a good Sunday to make up for the one before. I had an amazing experience at our middle service. As I was singing, it took most of my resolve to not start crying through the communion service. My favorite chariskooky lady was there. She is a great encouragement to me just by her presence. I cannot say how lonely it feels sometimes to be the most Pentecostal person in the room. It is wonderful and discouraging all at the same time. Suddenly, during this service, I remembered what it felt like to be Pentecostal and to feel the imminent presence of the Lord. This is something that I seldom feel for several reasons. Mainly it is a personal issue, that I am so busy about the business of "church" that I do not have time to be aware of the presence of God. But, on the other side of this, I feel constrained (and this may only be a personal constraint) to keep things decent and in order. I am also afraid that no one would know what to do if the presence of the Holy Spirit was made manifest in one of our church services. Sadly, this is one of the major contributing factors to last week's struggles. I really need to be able to have some time in corporate worship without leading it. I guess right now that is just not a possibility.

In ordination process news: I completed another round of tests and questions for the candidacy process. This is not a difficult process, but I am still trying to look for some meaning in parts of it. Our pastor talks about giving the congregation meaningful experiences quite a bit, that if we can do this, the congregation will be more committed to the church's vision, etc. Well, I guess I want this process to be most meaningful because I look at it very seriously. My problem is that many of the questions these inventories have asked about are things that for me happened many years ago, like high school experiences. Most of these things I have blocked. And questions like "What was/were your most significant religious experience(s)?" I thought this questionnaire was going to be about family and academic issues only, rather than about more spiritual experiences. I think if I had known there would be questions like this, I might have prepared better (you know, reflected on my early life a little more). Remember, much of this process, especially in the beginning, is directed toward a young person thinking about ministry. But some of these long-ago experiences are still significant in my life as building blocks, I don't know that they accurately reflect my life now. For instance, the questionnaire asked which church denomination has influenced you the most. And, for my life, it would have to be the Assemblies of God. But, just because this church has been most influential in my life does not mean that I still hold the 16 Fundamentals dearly.

And I still wonder what the UMC thinks of the Pentecostal movement in general, but I cannot lie and say that the UMC has been influential in shaping my personal theology. And, truth be told, my own reading and study, coupled with my frustrations with Pentecostal doctrines, have influenced me more than any denominational teaching I ever received. Maybe I am taking this too seriously. And maybe I am really still in the midst of a spiritual identity crisis that has overtaken much of my life for the last ten years. Again, I am hopeful this will come to an end. But I wonder whether the end of the crisis is a good thing for me. If I ever become happy with what I believe, I wonder what might happen to me spiritually. I think the struggle is part of the journey for me. I feel closer to God in the struggle and wonder if no struggle means no connection to God. Scary.

In other news ~ I heard about this group affiliated with my favorite "church" Westboro Baptist Church, you know, the one that pickets at the abortion clinics and at the funerals of soldiers. Eunicure purports to be a 100% cure for homosexuality and other sexual sins. No comment.