Running on Empty (a. k. a. Going Through the Motions)

This last week has been a blur. Thankfully, due to some events in the community that many of my choir members were involved in, several of my regular rehearsals had to be cancelled. It gave me some time off which was nice, but it ended up being put to other uses. Madeline was sick most of the week. We took her to the doctor four times in eight days. Thursday, the doctor wanted to send her to the hospital because her cough was so bad. She asked me how long it had been like that and I told her a week. It was like that when we brought her in the first time. Frustration. I could not imagine taking my two-year-old to the hospital. Fun. She is getting better. In the midst of these trips to the doctor it decided to rain here and never stop. We had a nice little flood on Thursday, so much so that the schools were closed on Friday. So, we had everyone at home, Maddie and mommy sick, and me still trying to get over my illness from the last two weeks. Stressful. Friday was also my father's 60th birthday. Saturday was a wasted day at home, except for our family outing to Sam's. At least church went well today. No coughing my lungs up during services this time around.

I have been thinking a lot about emptiness lately, spiritual or otherwise. This is likely something I should not discuss here, but here goes. I have long worried that very little truly brings me pleasure. Since "music" is my chosen profession, I think most people think it delights me to sing all day long and to listen to music all the time. The truth is, music is a job to me and I get tired of it easily. Granted, I would rather work in music than be a plumber, but I find myself going through the motions because it is what is expected of me. This does not mean that I do not find any joy in it, sometimes, I even find great joy. But I look at people like my father who do music only as an avocation, who seem to derive such great pleasure from it, that it makes me a little sad that I do not get to experience it in the same way.

But there is always this thought in the back of my mind that I am not giving all of myself to anything. I have deliberately chosen a profession that does not require me to think very much. I am creative within a certain frame of reference and never beyond that. I have chosen to be in places where I can be considered forward thinking without having to commit to seeing that completely through. The truth is the college where I gave ten years of my life was not exactly cutting edge (but, to be fair, academic music does not pride itself on being up to date anywhere, especially considering academia's penchant for musical museum pieces). And no church is totally interested in giving up the framework that bestows upon it self-identity as a church (why would we try anything else when we have always done it this way?).

Sometimes it is easier to be a visionary than to be a pioneer. I don't know if this is a bigger indictment on me or on the community that created me.

Some would tell me that it is better to be a visionary even if the vision is never realized. But I am beginning to wonder if the path of unrealized vision is actually a path to insanity. I have been told that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Well, what happens when you expect no results? When we expect little or no results, we are not devastated by the lack of change. I am coming to believe that God gives us vision(s) in order to see them fulfilled, and when they go unrealized they become fodder for the Enemy to use against us. And then comes the question: Would it be better to be mediocre, to live without vision than to see the dream go unfulfilled? To never know beyond the surface or never look beyond the next hill? I think it would be worse to have known these things and then to lose them, but I wonder what it is like for those who never know them? Is life somehow easier when you don't have to think about every action or motive?

Funny thing is that, on the whole, I am as happy as ever right where I am. I just wonder if I will ever be happy to just be happy. I spend far too much time inside my own mind and this is likely not the healthiest thing for me. But I know nothing else, and sometimes the Devil you know is better than the Devil you do not know. And, I am on such good terms with my own personal devil that to lose him--I wonder if I would lose myself. And maybe that is the point right there--fear of losing self when that is the one thing that Jesus calls us to do.

Sometimes I hate this blog.