"One of the benefits of working at a church is that you learn to lie well." Anonymous
Today marks the second anniversary of my move to Florida and my change of life direction. A times it is still hard for me to believe that this happened; however, it has been long enough that I have begun to forget much of the "feeling" of what was before. I still remember all of the lessons I learned, both good and bad, but just like, no matter how hard you try to remember a loved one who has died, as time goes on, you begin to forget what their voice sounded like. All in all, I still think this has been the best thing that I have ever done for my family. We still have our struggles and anyone who thinks that moving even a good distance from "home" will remove his problems is fooling himself. Problems go with you wherever you live, because they are a part of you, and until you deal with them, no mere change of scenery will make a difference.
I have thought a lot about people who have been influential in my life this week. I remember the last time I saw this man who was a big part of my early performance life. He was the founder of this children's musical group I was a part of back in the early 80s. It was in the safety of the cocoon that he created that I was able to learn to perform and gain some self-confidence that I so desperately needed and could not find at school. He was a great supporter of me "career" and kept in touch with me for many years. He and his wife came to my senior voice recital and I did not see him again for years. Until one day back in 2005 I ran into him again (eleven years after I had seen him last) in Branson, Missouri at a restaurant. I went over to him, by this time 80 years old, and introduced myself. He did not recognize me, but his wife did and through her conversation began to explain to me that he did not remember much these days. I was a little sad, but I understood that life goes on, whether we want it to or not. (Really no point to this story other than nostalgia.)
I have also thought about those folks who spoke into my religious life, and I wonder if they would be pleased to see what I am doing now. Many of them would be very pleased, I am sure. But there are those that I still wonder about, who I fear must think I have become what they so feared back in the day--a Methodist (read: not a real Christian), and a "liberal" (gasp). Of course, to me, these are silly things. And this idea of my being a liberal, as defined by some of my forebears, is more of a moderate than anything else (you know, someone who is interested in things that Jesus talked about). I wonder about the dreams others dreamed about and for me and whether or not this change of direction has been more painful for them than for me. But maybe the person I worry the most about is me?
My internal paradigm has shifted so much over the years and sometimes I wonder if this has all been for the best. I believe I was right to make these internal changes, I believe they were ordained by God, but my definition of what is "right" has changed. And therein lies the frightening part. I am thankful for the more fundamentalist leanings of my early life because I think they helped keep me on the straight and narrow. They definitely gave me a love for the Scriptures and for the Church, but I really do not want to submit my children to the same worries that I lived with every night, concerned about going to hell in my sleep. I guess I want them to know the truth and love Jesus and His Church, but not have all the baggage that tends to be a part of the culturally American evangelical church. Maybe I should get over myself and allow God to dream new dreams for me, even better than I dreamed before. If this doesn't work, I guess I should try to learn how to lie better. After all, I do work at a church.
In other news, we had the dog "fixed" today. I have relented to keeping the dog, despite the fact that he has been marking his territory in the house and actually bit a hole in the wall. Yes, a hole in the wall. Hopefully, Winston will be a much happier puppy now. But, he still has other things I can have removed if he gets on my last nerve much more. ; )
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