When Do I Get to Be A Sheep?

I have never thought of myself as a very nice person. I have always thought of myself as an intelligent person, but it takes a lot out of me to be nice. My family would probably agree with this all too quickly and they always wonder why people are drawn to me. My father never met a stranger, but I do not feel any compulsion to strike up conversation with people on the street. My pastor is one of these people who can make anyone feel at ease. It makes me nervous when I go visit people with him because it is so beyond my level of comfort to make conversation with people I do not know. Still, people are drawn to me for some reason. I do not think I put something out there or emit rays into the ether that scream "Tell me your story!" I guess when I ask a question, people feel like I am genuinely interested in their lives and so they tell me. I guess I am.

I never fully realized how much of my life is filled with encouraging people. I did this a lot in my former university life, encouraging and counseling with students, but I always thought that was my job. I had two things that brought this home to me over the last week or so. I met this person who is a good few years younger than me and we were talking about leadership styles and philosophies one day last week. I could tell that this person was frustrated by my unwillingness to take charge of some situations. I explained that I felt it was not my place to work out everything. Sometimes, when we allow God to work in a person's life, we do not have to work so hard ourselves. And, frankly, sometimes it is much easier for me, at least, to steer people in a way that makes them think they thought up what I wanted them to do in the first place. Sneaky, maybe, but the job gets done and I have not had to bash anyone over the head with my "leadership." This younger person really had a tough time understanding why some of my "flock" did not merely respect my authority. I laughed a little.

Second, I was at home today because my youngest little elf was sick and we needed to take her to the doctor. I guess I gave her my virus. Beginning last Wednesday I was pretty much voiceless as far as singing goes (except for this "lovely" smoker voice when I spoke). This lack of voice made for a wonderfully fun Sunday. Sunday was the BIG day for our church. We had one blended service that was an hour and a half long. It went very well and I have now officially come out of the closet to my traditional congregation as a "contemporary" musician. I had several compliments from some unexpected places. I thought that was positive. Maybe since "Dr. Keaton" thinks modern worship styles are viable worship expressions, they will come closer to accepting them in their church. Maybe. I also had a really big funeral on Sunday and our annual church charge conference. Fun.

Okay, back to my significant event. I had a former student out of the blue instant message me about a major problem that had happened to them recently. I do not know all of the issues there, but the student was expelled from the university because of an alleged impropriety. The conversation was long, but in the end I played the encourager, telling this student that sometimes we have to endure pain in order to become who we need to become and to go the places we need to go. I confided that I too had been hurt in my leaving the university, but that it has been for the best for me, for my family, and for the Kingdom. The student commented that they wished they could have as much faith as I have.

As much faith as I have. I thought about this for the longest time and I realized that I do not feel like I have much faith at all. I believe and I know, but I still wonder about faith. Most of the time I am a mess spiritually, but there are many people who look to me as a beacon of hope. "If he can do it then I know I can." And I wonder, do all in church leadership feel this way? All of the time? I know it is not just me, but I get frustrated that I have to be the one who people look to when I really need someone to look to myself. I am pleased to serve God in this capacity, but I kind of hate it too. When do I get to just be a sheep? I remember talking to my students about this type of thing. In Pentecostal and charismatic circles we tend to believe God calls everyone to ministry of some sort. I have come to believe that this is not completely true. All are called to be witnesses, but not all are called to be leaders. True, if the called leaders do not step forward, God will anoint someone else, but few are chosen to be leaders really.

This post has gone in directions I did not expect, but I think it is indicative of my thinking right now--circular and confusing and a little overwhelmed by the thought of December coming over the horizon.

Peace be with you . . . and also with me.

PS: Another thought on intelligence. You know, I have never admitted this, but I never really thought I was all that intelligent while I was growing up. I did not have to try very hard. Since I went to the school in the move Saved, it really was not necessary and I always wondered how well I would do if placed up against students at public schools in the area. [When I was a Junior in college and finally went to a state university (and later to an elite private university for graduate work) I was scared to death that I would not be well-prepared. I was prepared enough, but I had to learn a lot on my own as I went.] And, I did not think I was the smartest person in my class, even though I was the Valedictorian. I think another person should have at least been co-Valedictorian with me, and I lobbied for that (I am not sure that person knows that), but the folks who ran my school liked me (I was Assemblies of God) and wanted me to win alone. My grades were higher, and I probably won more awards, but I was not smarter, not by a long shot. Alas, it has been a few years and much water has flowed under the bridge.

PPS: My wife took our littlest angel to the doctor and she passed by a woman who was smoking outside the office. She was pregnant and holding her toddler's hand. "Excuse me, is my neck red?"