Don't You Wish You Had the Answers?

This week has been another one of those busier than normal weeks leading up to Christmas. I am determined not to get overwhelmed by all the things that are going on around me, but I am having a hard time selling this to myself.

Anyway, I had an interesting series of events occur this week, and they really made me question how I think God speaks to me. I admit that more often than not I am a sign seeker. It bothers me that I do this for several reasons. One, it is such a chariskooky thing to do. Second, Jesus called his generation wicked and perverse because they always asked for a sign from him. I just cannot help it sometimes. Things occur in sequence and one begins to assume this must be God's will for one's life. For instance, there had been this talk about me doing something at church and I was worried about having enough time to do this and still teach at the community college, etc.

Well, this week started with a thought-provoking sermon from our senior minister about being happy where you are. He said somethings that really struck me. For me, I understood fully that God wanted me to stop trying to cut a window in a closed door from my past. I realized how often, though I am happy with what I am doing and believe this may be exactly what I do for a long while, I still wonder about (and leave my options open to) going back to a life behind a closed door. For me, I really feel it is about my level of commitment and how much I really need to not only believe this is the right path but unabashedly plunge into swimming further down this river.

Well, back to the series of events. There was this sermon and then I went to the college on Monday to find that I was not scheduled to teach a class after all. Coincidence. I really thought this was the first confirmation that I needed to make this other potential situation at church a real possibility. So, I am thinking, "Great, God has worked this out for me." Some other issues at church had already begun to potentially work themselves out and it looked like God was a-workin' away at clearing my hazards. Only then, a big ol' road block was put in the way. The whole thing just fizzled. I was like, "God, I thought you had already worked this out for me and I was becoming okay with it, only to find out it isn't even a possibility anymore." And then, besides all of this, my first sign went away because there had been an editorial mistake and my class had been left off of the spring schedule by accident. No sign at all, just a human mistake.

I wonder how many times I have thought God was speaking to me when it was only indigestion. Or just plain kookiness or anxiety. Or, even worse, my own machinations to bring something about I want and the ability to will something into being and truly believe this was God's will in the first place. I am not going to worry about this too much, but it does make me stop and think about how I listen to God. On Wednesday, I was driving through downtown Panama City on the way back to church because I wanted to see the place where my handbell choir was supposed to play Friday night. Oddly, I had one of those "I never meant for you to work this out" moments from God. I am thankful for these times when I can see that God was already working for my good, and he didn't need a bit of help from me.

In other news, my choir had its first combined rehearsal with the 1st Presbyterian church choir this week for our presentation of Saint Saens' Christmas Oratorio this past Wednesday. It went really well and it looks like this will be a great musical offering. I am glad we are doing it as a concert rather than as a worship service, though. Again, a series of odd events led to a change in my plans that actually better suits my purposes this time.

I have found someone to help out with our youth worship team. He is young, wears flip flops and plays the guitar--really well. It is great to have someone who can do the things I cannot do and has a heart for ministry as well. I am going to learn to delegate if it kills me. I have to remember the lesson I learned years ago that as long as a ministry is being fulfilled, I can be happy even if I am not the one God uses every time.

The handbells played tonight in downtown Panama City and it went really well. We had quite a crowd and the ladies did a great job. We were afraid it would be cold tonight when we agreed to play back in September. It was 75 degrees. Afterwards, I came home and our youth minister's daughters had come over for dinner. One of their boyfriends is my biggest helper at the church. He is always willing to help out. Thank God for those people. He came over when we were done putting up the handbells and all the accoutrements and we all had dinner and watched a movie, sort of. My wife told me Wednesday that the younger daughter, who is 21, thought I was 40 years old. I think I am going to cut her.

And last, I finally got around to reading Velvet Elvis this week, mainly because a friend had gone to see Rob Bell last week. I liked it. I have talked about much of the same things that are addressed in the book on this blog. Again, it is good to read my thoughts coming from someone else's pen. It reminded me to keep looking for the divine in the mundane things of life and that even the best have off days and need someone to help them. And wondering about the things I wonder about is part of the joy and pain of the journey. Better to question things than to think you have all the answers. Who am I kidding? I would just like to have the answer to one question, let alone all of them.

TTFN

Calm Before the Storm

Well, this has been a quirky Thanksgiving week and I am taking a deep breath before the Advent season begins next week. I know everything will work out well, all of the musical programs and special services, but I am still anxious about how these things will work out. Since Madeline has been sick most of this week, we have not been able to get out of the house very much. My feelings of stir craziness may have compounded my feelings of anxiety about life beginning again, but we will see. We did brave the outside yesterday for a couple of hours to shop a little and have dinner, but it was unusually quiet for a "black" Friday. Today we put up the Christmas tree. It was Madeline's first time to really help put ornaments on the tree and that was fun. Those girls are all to cute and very enthusiastic about the upcoming holiday festivities and our pilgrimage back to Texas.

I am continually amazed by the wonders of technology and how, no matter where you hide, people find you. I had one of these experiences this week. An old friend, who I have not personally spoken to in many years, found me on Facebook. I almost literally had to pick my jaw up off the floor when I saw this name attached to a message. We got caught up as much as you can in a short space. I mean, what do you say to someone you did know well, but have not known in many years? What do you consider highlights of a twelve year period that are worth discussing? It was interesting.

What surprised me most was the fact that God used this person to speak to me--someone I had not spoken to in almost 12 years. I wrote in my last post how I really needed to have some encouragement, not always be the encourager, and God reminded me that He does send encouragers to me in ways I do not expect. Within this conversation, it became apparent that God was showing me that my life is pretty darn good, despite the aggravations I have. I worry about money. I miss my family, especially at this time of the year. And I get frustrated that I no longer have some of the conveniences that I grew accustomed to while living near a major city. These are not illegitimate concerns, but they are so minuscule in comparison to the good that has come of our new life.

I am sure that there are still growing pains that we have to live through, but I trust that we will be able to meet these challenges just as God has walked us through these last couple of years. It is still hard to believe that it has only been two years since our little Madeline was born the Sunday after Thanksgiving 2005 and we did not know then where we would be the next Thanksgiving. But looking back on these past two years, though much of it is a blur, it still seems like one of the easiest things we ever did. I guess this is one of the reasons why I become puzzled when people talk about my faith or my life seeming so perfect. I don't think I have it together and I do not think I will ever have enough faith. I think the point is God uses us, in spite of our inconsistencies or idiosyncrasies. And He reminds us all the time of how thankful we should be, if we are alert enough to hear Him speak and see Him at work in our lives.

Thank you God for reminding me that you are the good Shepherd and if I am a good sheep I will recognize your voice.

When Do I Get to Be A Sheep?

I have never thought of myself as a very nice person. I have always thought of myself as an intelligent person, but it takes a lot out of me to be nice. My family would probably agree with this all too quickly and they always wonder why people are drawn to me. My father never met a stranger, but I do not feel any compulsion to strike up conversation with people on the street. My pastor is one of these people who can make anyone feel at ease. It makes me nervous when I go visit people with him because it is so beyond my level of comfort to make conversation with people I do not know. Still, people are drawn to me for some reason. I do not think I put something out there or emit rays into the ether that scream "Tell me your story!" I guess when I ask a question, people feel like I am genuinely interested in their lives and so they tell me. I guess I am.

I never fully realized how much of my life is filled with encouraging people. I did this a lot in my former university life, encouraging and counseling with students, but I always thought that was my job. I had two things that brought this home to me over the last week or so. I met this person who is a good few years younger than me and we were talking about leadership styles and philosophies one day last week. I could tell that this person was frustrated by my unwillingness to take charge of some situations. I explained that I felt it was not my place to work out everything. Sometimes, when we allow God to work in a person's life, we do not have to work so hard ourselves. And, frankly, sometimes it is much easier for me, at least, to steer people in a way that makes them think they thought up what I wanted them to do in the first place. Sneaky, maybe, but the job gets done and I have not had to bash anyone over the head with my "leadership." This younger person really had a tough time understanding why some of my "flock" did not merely respect my authority. I laughed a little.

Second, I was at home today because my youngest little elf was sick and we needed to take her to the doctor. I guess I gave her my virus. Beginning last Wednesday I was pretty much voiceless as far as singing goes (except for this "lovely" smoker voice when I spoke). This lack of voice made for a wonderfully fun Sunday. Sunday was the BIG day for our church. We had one blended service that was an hour and a half long. It went very well and I have now officially come out of the closet to my traditional congregation as a "contemporary" musician. I had several compliments from some unexpected places. I thought that was positive. Maybe since "Dr. Keaton" thinks modern worship styles are viable worship expressions, they will come closer to accepting them in their church. Maybe. I also had a really big funeral on Sunday and our annual church charge conference. Fun.

Okay, back to my significant event. I had a former student out of the blue instant message me about a major problem that had happened to them recently. I do not know all of the issues there, but the student was expelled from the university because of an alleged impropriety. The conversation was long, but in the end I played the encourager, telling this student that sometimes we have to endure pain in order to become who we need to become and to go the places we need to go. I confided that I too had been hurt in my leaving the university, but that it has been for the best for me, for my family, and for the Kingdom. The student commented that they wished they could have as much faith as I have.

As much faith as I have. I thought about this for the longest time and I realized that I do not feel like I have much faith at all. I believe and I know, but I still wonder about faith. Most of the time I am a mess spiritually, but there are many people who look to me as a beacon of hope. "If he can do it then I know I can." And I wonder, do all in church leadership feel this way? All of the time? I know it is not just me, but I get frustrated that I have to be the one who people look to when I really need someone to look to myself. I am pleased to serve God in this capacity, but I kind of hate it too. When do I get to just be a sheep? I remember talking to my students about this type of thing. In Pentecostal and charismatic circles we tend to believe God calls everyone to ministry of some sort. I have come to believe that this is not completely true. All are called to be witnesses, but not all are called to be leaders. True, if the called leaders do not step forward, God will anoint someone else, but few are chosen to be leaders really.

This post has gone in directions I did not expect, but I think it is indicative of my thinking right now--circular and confusing and a little overwhelmed by the thought of December coming over the horizon.

Peace be with you . . . and also with me.

PS: Another thought on intelligence. You know, I have never admitted this, but I never really thought I was all that intelligent while I was growing up. I did not have to try very hard. Since I went to the school in the move Saved, it really was not necessary and I always wondered how well I would do if placed up against students at public schools in the area. [When I was a Junior in college and finally went to a state university (and later to an elite private university for graduate work) I was scared to death that I would not be well-prepared. I was prepared enough, but I had to learn a lot on my own as I went.] And, I did not think I was the smartest person in my class, even though I was the Valedictorian. I think another person should have at least been co-Valedictorian with me, and I lobbied for that (I am not sure that person knows that), but the folks who ran my school liked me (I was Assemblies of God) and wanted me to win alone. My grades were higher, and I probably won more awards, but I was not smarter, not by a long shot. Alas, it has been a few years and much water has flowed under the bridge.

PPS: My wife took our littlest angel to the doctor and she passed by a woman who was smoking outside the office. She was pregnant and holding her toddler's hand. "Excuse me, is my neck red?"

Finding the Courage to Be Happy

Well, I can say that I am glad that another Sunday has come and gone. I love what I do, but Sundays wear me out, and not just because they are often 13 hour days. Since today was Veteran's Day we had a celebration of veterans at our Traditional services. It went over very well. There is nothing like putting pictures of our church's veterans up on the big screen to make for a teary-eyed, captivated audience. I enjoyed putting this presentation together, and I got to meet several people I had not previously met. But, of course it cannot be just about doing something nice for our congregants for me. Everything has to have meaning on various levels. And, so my first question is: "How much of a place should American patriotism have in our church services?" I have trouble with this every time we have a national holiday. Do we celebrate Independence Day or Memorial Day or Veterans Day? Usually I take a middle of the road stance and do "special music" or anthems with a patriotic flavor, but our congregational hymns are normally only about Jesus. Again, it is the question of equating patriotism with religion. It worries me, but maybe I am alone in my worries. Maybe I need to get over it.

I am feeling a little homesick lately. Thanksgiving is especially hard since we live so far away from our families that we cannot spend it with them. We have a lot of folks who invite us over for lunch, but everybody does things differently and, to be honest, we would rather just spend it with ourselves than go along with other traditions. I guess it is ugly, but this is a place for the truth. We had intended to go out of town, but we have decided we spend too little time at home so we are going to stay close. When people comment about us being away for the holiday, I do not correct them.

Part of the problem I continue to have, and know will one day play a role in our decision to leave Panama City, is that we miss several cultural things about our former life. I miss Mexican food and good museums, the opera, and an airport that goes to more places than Atlanta. During our Christmas hiatus I hope to reconnect with some old friends and go to the museum. I am hoping to see this new exhibit of early Christian art from the Vatican, the Louvre, the British Museum and other international museums while we are in Texas. I am already making plans to see the King Tut exhibit over Christmas 2008 (I saw the best Tut stuff when I went to Egypt in 2005, but I would still love to see the exhibit). I have no intention to leave any time soon, but as I have said from the beginning, we no longer believe in forever. Funny thing is: the life that we miss no longer exists. This has become all too clear lately when I have visited the website of my former institution. Sounds like wonderful things are happening there. Numbers are up. I hear good things from my former students. I am even starting to miss some of the people that I used to work with. I would never want to go back . . . ever. . . but at least I would be glad to see some folks again and not feel completely awkward about it. It reminded me of a conversation I had with a colleague before I left, but after I had resigned. We were talking about years spent together and problems we saw in the institution and hopes for the future. I wondered out loud if maybe I had been part of the problem, that maybe my leaving would bring about a better fruit. You know, the whole "unless a kernel of wheat falls to the earth and dies, it bears no fruit" thing. This was answered in the negative, that I was not a part of the problem, but I still wonder some times if God does not allow us to become unsettled to give us something better and to give where we were a fresh start as well.

Speaking of students: I have been attending our weekly student recitals and some of them make we long for the good old days. Most of my students are fairly talented and they have performed well. But some of the students have just been awful. I swear, one of them the week before was special and one last week, who, I was told, could not match pitch at the beginning of the semester, sang this note in one verse of the song that did not occur in nature. It was striking, and not in a good way. Wow.

I guess I am finding the courage to be happy for once. This is really hard for me, since I am always looking to the future and wondering what will come next. This next year, I will begin the process to become an ordained deacon in the United Methodist Church. So, no turning back. I never felt like I could be ordained with the Assemblies of God. I never felt the release to do that, and it was for no tangible reason. And it is not that I completely adhere to all the beliefs of the UMC, I just feel like the time is right to become part of the clergy officially. Again, I feel there is more room for diverging thoughts on theology, within an orthodox framework, within the UMC than in my former denomination. For those of you unfamiliar with an "ordained" deacon, this is basically a member of the clergy who does not deal with sacraments, is not required to be a part of the itinerant system to which ordained elders have to submit, but has a specific vocational calling like music or counseling or education. So, it is sort of like a deacon in a Baptist or Assemblies of God church, except that you have to have a graduate degree and work full time in a specific ministry area, though not necessarily in a church setting. It should be interesting, will help to rebuild my retirement nest egg, but will require that I go back to school to take graduate theological courses. I am looking forward to this like a hole in the head, not because they will be difficult, but because I could probably teach most of the classes I will need to take. Oh well, I guess I should be thankful for small favors.

I think it does take courage to be happy. It is a choice. I plan on choosing it very soon.

PS: Isn't that the happiest baby you have ever seen? She will be two in 16 days. I am deeply troubled about this. We have removed all the baby toys since she like the big girl toys much better, and will likely take down the baby bed and replace it with a toddler bed tomorrow. I saw a 3-week old baby tonight at church and for a split second wanted another baby. Thank God it passed. Three little "angels" are enough.

Thoughts From a Busy Week

I have been out of commission in the blogosphere for the last week due to some special things going on at church. If you have ever worked at a church while in a building program, you understand my use of the word "special" to describe all the things that go into it. This Sunday we are celebrating Veteran's Day and I have put together a visual presentation of about 40 of our community veterans for the day's service. It should be nice and since we live in an area with an air force base and lots of retired veterans, this is always an important day. Next Sunday we are doing one single service (praise God!!!) to celebrate and commit to our operational budget for next year and for the building of our new family life center. I have always thought it was funny how churches call everything by a different name, a more "holy" name. Granted, this building is not just a gymnasium, but it is funny nonetheless. I will be glad when these next few weeks are over, and by few weeks I really mean through Christmas.

In other news: Pat Robertson has endorsed Rudy Giuliani for President. I think these two make strange bedfellows, but who am I to judge? I begin to wonder whether or not Mr. Robertson thinks Mr. Giuliani is a true advocate for the evangelical side of the Republican party or whether he just thinks he is electable. Since I will likely vote for a Democrat, no matter who the nominee is this next time, it is really neither here nor there to me who Pat Robertson endorses, but it still bothers me that there is no one to take up the evangelical gauntlet. Again, maybe it goes back to this backlash of younger evangelicals who feel their leaders have been too political and not focused on the faith and practice of the Church and merely become pawns of the Republican Party. Who knows?

In still other news: Republican Senator Charles Grassley has begun an inquiry into the spending practices of several high profile evangelists, including: Kenneth Copeland, Creflo Dollar, Paula and Randy White, Bishop Eddie Long, Benny Hinn, and Joyce Meyer. The inquiry focuses on how these ministries are considered churches and do not have to explain all of their spending due to to their tax exempt status. The concern is that these ministries are spending Ministry money for their own purposes. One of my favorites is the question as to how a marble-topped commode can be a ministry expense for Joyce Meyer. It reminds me of the air-conditioned dog house that Jim and Tammy had back in the '80's. It is amazing what we can justify when we believe we are doing the Lord's work. I have to believe these folks, who probably do have a gift from God, begin with the best of intentions. But I wonder how quickly the success of the presence of God and changing people's lives turns into using their money for gold-encrusted toilets? "God has blessed me, so therefore I can do whatever I want to with the money he has blessed me with."

Most of them were going to comply with the inquiry, but they all seemed to be quick to say that they would be discussing these matters with their lawyers and other "scholars." I guess we will see how these affairs play out, but I have a feeling it will lead to further investigations and maybe, heh heh, a little accountability. I think we could all use a little more accountability in the church.

Rock on, Pat.

Questions for November 1

Interesting Thought #1: Okay, so I was at the community college yesterday to teach a class and this young woman who I met several weeks ago stopped me and asked me my name. She is a music major and, though we have talked a couple of times, would have no reason to remember my name since I do not have her in class. She said she was talking to a friend the day before who was asking about all the music instructors and she asked about me, and this student's comment was, "You mean the one who sounds like a preacher?" And that was me, the one who sounds like a preacher.

I have never thought of myself as a preacher or even as a person who sounds like one, but I guess I cannot make that judgment for myself. The person who made this comment was very kind, and is starting a gospel choir so she is a believer (and dresses like one, if you get my drift), but it made we wonder about how I come across to other people. I guess this stripping away of the churchiness is a harder thing than I had thought. I guess it is a work in progress. But, is it a bad thing for a fellow believer to think that I act like a preacher? Is it worse for a non-believer to think this about me? I know that people treat you different when they think you are a minister, but I have several students now who talk to me in a way that is very "truthful" and not censored through a "preacher" mentality, so maybe it is just a fluke.

Interesting Thought #2: I saw this news segment on CNN last night about this COGIC church in Florida that is using L. Ron Hubbard's materials for drug counseling and for other studies in their church. Okay, it concerns me when members of a large Pentecostal denomination see no problem with promoting Scientology. The pastor of this church, when asked whether or not there were any things in Hubbard's writings that went against Scriptural teachings, he agreed that there some discrepancies, but also some good things to glean. Huh? I would not be as concerned, but the report said there were several COGIC churches that were doing this. It looked like they were having a small group Bible study, but they were reading L. Ron Hubbard. Scary? Or am I not being open-minded enough?

Interesting Thought #3: Is Church too girly? There has been a lot of discussion on this topic lately. I would often mention the feminine style of recent worship music. There was this song back several years ago that we would sing in chapel "Let me know the kisses of your mouth" or something to that effect that I used as an example of overly-feminine leanings in worship music. Recently, I saw a news report about this very subject and a book that has been written about how to make your church more manly, or more precisely to make your church a place where men would want to go. What do you think?

And one last thing: This is one for all of you who have multiple services on a Sunday morning. I have three services on Sunday mornings and I am usually at church before 6:30 a. m. so by the time I am getting to the third service, I have been at church forever it seems. How do you keep any energy at all for multiple, and mostly identical services? Now, granted, our middle service is different, but the other two are basically the same. My wife caught me in a weaker moment staring off into oblivion and chewing on my fingers a couple of weeks ago, and I began to realize how difficult it is to appear interested when I have been there and done that already. I know lots of folks do this, and I try to laugh at the same jokes, etc., but it is difficult. How do you make this work? I sometimes find it very difficult to make Sunday a worship experience for myself rather than just work. So add this into the mix and you see the problem.

Life is fun.