"And if children, then heirs, heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ, if so be that we suffer with him, that we may also be glorified together. For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." Romans 8:17-18
I have often said that this blog has been a catharsis for me in this time that I am relearning "me." I cannot say that I am completely thrilled with everything I have come to realize about myself as a result, but at least it is allowing me to verbalize some things and, in turn, deal with them.
After my stress-filled Thursday, I took a day off from life. I went to Destin (a little more than an hour away) and checked into the Wyndham Hotel there. Nice. And very quiet. I went to the Barnes and Noble since we do not have one in Panama City and I saw a choir member. I admit, I hid until they left. I just did not want to be "on" right then. I drove by a beautiful Greek Orthodox Church that was being built when I moved to Florida and is now completed. It reminded me of a smaller version of the one in Dallas I used to visit often. I had hoped for a grand revelation from God. I did not get that, but I did figure some things out.
1. I have been angry with God for a while now, at least since He started to make me miserable in Waxahachie. It is painful to write this, and I hate that it is true. But I have to be honest here. I loved what I was doing, even in spite of the turmoil that was such a part of my last few years there. It was exactly what I wanted for my life to be (pretty much) and I still feel like it was snatched away from me. I told colleagues that if it took my leaving to bring about change there, then so be it. I did not think I was part of the problem, really; I just understood that I would not be part of the solution. I made choices and I believe with all my heart that these were God's choices, but sometimes it is difficult to give up a dream that God gave you to do something else He wants you to do. I have also been angry because I do not feel like God has taken care of everything that my family needs in order to feel truly successful in this new endeavour, so it makes me question whether I am doing what I need to be doing. Our pastor made a comment a couple of weeks ago about finding new dreams, and it was a bitter pill to swallow, since I liked the old ones so much. I guess this is what dying to self is all about. I think I hate it. But writing it down makes me feel better and closer to God in a way that is hard for me to explain. It has been like finally He can talk to me about this issue, since I now understand it well enough to verbalize it.
2. I have been reminded that I have a large support group here. This has been nice. Everyone realizes that I am going through a dark night of the soul and are very conscientious of that fact. I am thankful for all of them. I know that even though I am a long way from my family, I have the best supporters that I have ever had in my life. True friends that stick closer than brothers.
3. I need to start exercising again. I realized that my downward spiral began about the time I stopped exercising due to getting too busy. So, I decided to go back on my Medifast for a week or two and will attempt to begin running again soon. I have only gained a couple of pounds, well 3.5, but I need to nip it while it is only a couple (and I have already lost 2 pounds since returning to the fast). FYI: I heard on Real Time with Bill Maher that exercise can alter your mood as much or more than prescription medication, so I am going to have to get back to it.
4. The biggest thing I realized is that I am doing too much without any down time. I had the tendency while I was teaching to get overextended, but this was in short bursts. If I taught a big overload, I knew that it would only be for a few months and then I would have a month off or the summer off. Now, I have gotten overextended and have no opportunity for repose. So, I am going to have to figure out a way to delegate some of my responsibilities so that I do not go mad and so that I can still be a part of my children's lives.
5. Best of all, I realized again that we are where we need to be and that I need to embrace the frustrations that I am experiencing right now. I know I am not the only one going through these things, I am not alone here, and trials are a way to make us better stewards of our relationships with God and those special people in our lives. In the midst of this struggle, I am made aware of all of the wonderful things that I have as a result of being here and doing what God asked me to do. New dreams coming to fruition. I am grateful for His continued grace and compassion, thankful that He does not leave me in the midst of my frustrations.
Now, pray for me. Although I have come to some good realizations, not all of the answers are within my control or my power to change. Many of them require a real miracle in order for there to be true resolution. I would love me some resolution. Miracles are good too.
So my question is: Is it okay to be upset with things God has asked of you? Is it possible to still love God and be upset with Him? I am still totally devoted to God and to His work in this world, and I have the faith that all will work out for our good. I just wish it would already.
Peace.
6 comments:
Ok, this post I get. I have been really struggling with this same issue - being angry with God. I know that there's no way I could ever possibly know what His plan is when, say for instance I stub my toe, but I know there's some grand scheme. It never makes my toe feel better though - even if I think, "it happened so I would move the coffee table and countless others won't stub their toes".
It ends up making me sound like a spoiled brat. "But I want my way NOW and if I can't have it, I want You to show me WHYYYYY!"
And I even go back and forth on my moods for the day. One day its "I don't get it, but I'll have faith", and the next day its "how could You love me and let me suffer like this?"
We had a lady in our church come to the front a few weeks ago to share a dream she had had. She has a 6 month old baby girl. She said that in her dream, she was holding her daughter and there was a fire all around them. There were firefighters trying to put out the fire, but the flames kept creeping in. All she could think about was how to protect her daughter. She would have covered her with her own body to keep her from getting burned. And God told her - that's how I feel about you! You are my child and I want to protect you from the fires.
So why would he let his child suffer?? The answer for me?
Joe, you know, is off at college. He opened a bank account up there - his first. He is overdrawn now. He has no job and no money (keep in mind, his food and everything he NEEDS is paid for already). I don't want to see him go without. However, I want him to learn to be responsible with what I've given him. So I step back and let him learn a lesson, however hard it may be. It breaks my heart to know that he's not "happy". But I hope his going without now will help make him a better man in a few years.
Again, all of this "enlightenment" still doesn't make my toe feel better, but on those rational days, it lets me see how God feels about me.
Well, I started this post to comment on your post, but I think it just turned in to an Amiee post. Ah well, maybe someone can benefit!
To quote a line from a movie I sort of liked: The Village... "Do not fret. You have courage like I shall never know."
Did you ever read (or watch on DVD) the "Naked" letter that I sent you almost a year ago? If not, I think now might be a really good time.
Is this one of those questions that you ask, but really already know the answer to? 'Cause I don't want to look like an arse by giving you some churchy answer. : )
Of course, I think the answer is "yes" you can be angry with God and still trust Him. But I guess it goes back to my desire for easier answers. It could also be that I am just in a dark, reflective period and need to get over myself. Or I could just be afraid of going to hell for being aggravated with God (when there are so many better things to go to hell for). ; )
Short answer. Jacob wrestled with God and Jesus Christ himself, who knew the bigger picture, actually questioned God’s loyalty as he hung dying on the cross. David too cried out to and at God on a number of occasions. I guess it comes down to what you do with that anger. Does it cause you to cry out to God (or even at God), or turn your back on Him? (that, of course, is a rhetorical question requiring only a personal answer).
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