Moments of Clarity

For the last several weeks I have felt like I was under a dark cloud. I have felt like this from time to time over the course of my adult life, wondering about direction and the like and really feeling like I was about to have to check myself into an institution. Usually this feeling is accompanied by an eating binge that starts a short trek back to inexcusably fat. By the grace of God, this has not happened and will not happen. I forget that these moments of desperation lead to greater moments of clarity. I think if I could remember the good outcome, I would not be so fretful during the dark night. But that would take away most of the fun.

I am not ready to discuss my epiphany at this point. I want to keep it between me and the Lord for right now, especially since the answer I received is not an immediate one. I remember a time not too long ago when a future answer would have troubled me almost as much as no answer at all, but I have grown up a lot since then. I had this really awful thought that I am less than five years from 40 now and that I feel so young and minuscule and like I have absolutely nothing together. And for the first time, I was not worried by this thought. I want to have it all together and I think I have been given a path to reach this point, but how long the path to get there will take is beyond my comprehension right now. For the first time, I do not feel that I need to have every answer mapped out in order to feel content. I am just glad to have some things plotted on the ever-growing map of my existence.