Thursdays Are the New Mondays AND Remembering An Old "Friend"

This has been the most stress filled day I have had in a long time. I realized just how shallow my breaking point has become. Again, I think this is one of the clearest ways God speaks to me. He gets my attention by allowing things in my life to get so hectic, so crazy that there is nothing I can do but focus on him. At least now others know how I feel and can pray for me in a way that might actually benefit me and the work of the Kingdom. Often, I would rather just go on pretending that everything is fine and then just implode in secret. But everything is not fine. Thank God, I believe it will be. Honestly, though, I am tired of fighting, whether that be the "good" fight or any fight. I had someone tell me that I needed to have more faith. My problem is that these last couple of years have been so wonderfully draining that it is hard to fathom needing more faith to get to some resolution. I really just wish for once God would give in and allow me to know a little bit into the future so that I could stop worrying about it so much. Again, I am tired and I need God to revive me.

I woke up this morning thinking about this girl I went to school with back in Oklahoma City. She was one of the oddest people I ever met, even to this day, and that is saying a lot because I have met some real winners in my lifetime. Remember, I have a bulls eye on my back that reads: "Tell me your story." So the story goes, we went to the Christian school and were completely filled with the love of Christ at all times. We just did not show it very often. Well, not the true love of Christ. She transferred into the school when we were in 4th grade. She talked baby talk with her sister. She wore very high heeled shoes in the 5th grade. There was one day she offered to carry the lunch trays back into the kitchen while wearing said shoes and she slipped on a wet spot in the floor and fell with 30 or more trays. I remember thinking she would not have fallen if she had not been wearing those shoes. No compassion.

When we were in high school, she always read romance novels and we thought she just might end up in hell for that (forget the fact that we were condescending and judgmental). There was this one day in English class where we all got up to read our assigned short stories. She got up to read her story and it was filled with things that could have been read in various ways. But, because she was always reading things we did not approve of, we thought her story was really a "romance" in disguise. Everyone started to laugh and she ran out of the class.

I never wondered about her family life. I was usually kind because I never felt like I fit in either, but at least I was a functional nerd. Maybe no one's favorite, but usually not the last one chosen either. I only saw her one time after graduation. I had moved back home to finish college and she worked in a grocery store about a mile from where my parents were living at the time. I went in the store a few times and she would be there, but she rarely spoke to me. Once she was at the checkout counter and did not speak other than normal pleasantries (and this was someone I had known at that time for over ten years). I guess I really showed her the love of Christ so much, she just could not wait to talk to me again. Now, granted, I went through a period where I was not very interested in seeing any of my old high school friends (case in point, I did not attend my 10 year reunion because I could have cared less), a period which oddly enough ended only a few months before I moved to Florida. It was more of a period of apathy rather than of contempt. I just cannot fathom what contempt "Christian" young people can create in the lives of their peers.

I am not sorry for being a good kid with bad judgment. I do not apologize for being stupid. If I had it to do again, I would have done things differently, but that ain't gonna happen. I just look to things like this, mistakes from the past, as portals of discovery that speak to my present. I wish I could look back without seeing these painful memories, memories I caused or that were caused by others against me. But these are in fact the things that have made me who I am. Thank God for that, because for once, I am really glad to be me.

Peace

Oh yeah, the picture is of me and Tom Greene back in 1985 in Wichita, Kansas at Colonial Heights Assembly of God after I had won the Regional Teen Talent Male Vocal Solo when I was 13. Wasn't I just a-working it with the mauve bow tie?

Fear Itself

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."--FDR

How many things do we do out of fear? How many things do we not do because we are afraid of what the consequences or repercussions will be? How often do we decide not to stand for the truth because we are fearful that someone who is listening to us will make our lives more difficult?

I think most of us who work in full-time church ministry deal with this type of fear everyday. We have to pick our battles and determine what things are worth fighting for and what things are worth dropping all together. Do we have to do this because of who we are as leaders or because of who we lead? I had an interesting conversation with a colleague this week, and this is not the first conversation I have had like this. Before I decided to go into full-time church ministry, I had several people ask me if that was REALLY what I wanted to do. I told them it was and that I always felt that at some point in my professional life I needed to do this. Well, the most recent conversation went something to this effect: Me: "You know, working in the church can be interesting." Them: "I don't know how you deal with CHURCH people. I work at my church, but I don't know how you can do it full time. It would just be exhausting." I had very little rebuttal. I told this person that I worked with a lot of wonderful people, and they said, well, they are all wonderful, just difficult.

I have thought about this a good bit and I have to wonder: "Do church folks deserve the bad rap they get in the world and in the emergent arena?" I read a long thread to one of my favorite blogs this past week and it seems that many either love the church wholeheartedly and blindly, defending her with their last breath; or, they hate the church and despise her every action as the misguided steps of people who just do not get the 21st century. I guess my real question is can their be a balance between loving the church as the Bride of Christ, our mother, and still being aggravated and, sometimes disgusted with what she does (in Jesus' name)? I think that most blind church lovers think the emergents are out to destroy the church and the emergents think the blind church lovers have already done a good job of destroying the church. What is sad is I think most people on both sides love the Bride of Christ and the Bridegroom, it is just that our methods and terminologies are so different that we cannot communicate well with each other. What must this communication gap be like for those who are not in the church at all?

I am hoping to find the balance between a total love for the Church as Christ's Bride which we are commanded to do in the Scriptures and a critical spirit which is often at the fore in emergent discussion of the church. I think it is like this: I can speak about my mother all day long, but don't let me catch anyone else speaking about her in a negative way. We often speak most critically of that which we love most, that we care about most, that we want to see flourish and are disappointed when she does not exceed our expectations. Christ told us that we would do greater things, now let's stop arguing about exactly how to do those things, and just do them. Let us be willing to overcome our fear with the power of the Holy Spirit and hopefully our fear of each other will dissipate into cooperative work toward the prize, the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

Catching My Breath

Well, I am nearing the end of another hectic week that was birthed out of the last hectic week I had. This past weekend was a rousing success by all accounts. Saturday morning I gave a short seminar at a very contemporary United Methodist church in the area on "Entering the Presence of God." It was very well received and made me want to do more of this type of thing, you know, teaching and exhorting. I'm no preacher, but I could do things like this all day long. The wedding Saturday evening was probably the biggest I have seen at the church (and probably the biggest wedding I have ever been to). It was clear the couple was very special to a lot of people. Everyone enjoyed the music that we presented, but it got me to thinking about how much effort I actually put into preparing for these things. I guess I always have to have something to obsess about, so here goes.

I wonder if I ever put all of myself into anything that I do. This will sound conceited, but it does not take much of me to present a very professional, polished product. I am thankful that God has blessed me with above average intelligence and talent so that I am able to perform above expectations even when I am not giving all of myself to a certain project. Now, granted, I am a busy person and have to divide my time between six musical ensembles, music department administration, my teaching load, and my family; but I guess I am concerned that I never feel that I have given all that I could. Is it okay to give only a portion of oneself if that is good enough for most people, or worse still, more than most would be willing to give. I guess only God knows (and I know to a certain extent) what my full mental, emotional, and spiritual capacity are at any given moment.

Maybe I should stop worrying about this, but it goes back to the core of my entrance into full-time church ministry last year. Is this something that can keep my attention and focus for the long haul, or is this just an intermission in an otherwise devoted life? It is a puzzlement.

I read an interesting summary of the 2007 State of the Church report for the United Methodist Church. It read: "Laity and clergy express a high level of desire to attract more young people, ages 18 to 30, to the church, but a much lower level of willingness to change practices and invest budgets to do so." I found this very telling. I think we really believe that if we give it enough time, people's hearts will change and they will want to go to a traditional church. Sometimes this happens. I am an example of this in many ways, having grown up in a Pentecostal church where we had little if anything written down by way of liturgy that even singing the Gloria Patri or Doxology is significant to my wife. I remember when we first became Methodists she would sing the Gloria Patri all the time. It was her favorite worship song. But we did grow up in church and could see the beauty in these "new" traditions. I am not so sure that someone who did not grow up in church would so readily make the same assessments. Maybe I am wrong.

I often hear folks talk about how we need to be careful that we "preach the Word" and take a strong stand against worldliness. We definitely do not want to cater to every whim of the world. How could they know what they need when they are a bunch of sinners. This was something that we talked about in the Assemblies of God as well, so it is not something that is new to me. But my concern goes back to the cliched what would Jesus do? Well, from my reading of the Scriptures, Jesus hung around with people that I would not necessarily like. I mean, he would spend a lot of time at the rescue mission. Have you seen those people? And he met their needs. He did not ask them if they had a well-considered theology of the Messianic prophecies or if they understood the facets of the Trinity or how many angels can dance on the head of a pin. He just met their needs. He did forgive their sins, but often he did this in conjunction with meeting their more earthly needs. He fed them and healed them and often by doing so, initiated a way for them to become a part of the larger society again. And above all He was moved by compassion for them because they were like sheep without a shepherd.

The Church is meant to be that shepherd today. But if we close the gate to the pen before any of these wandering sheep can get in, or place the gate so far up the mountain, then what have we accomplished? If we place too many cultural barriers between the world and the ascended, risen Christ who just so happens to want a relationship with them, how much have we failed the world? Even worse, how much have we failed to be Christ to the world?

I love the Church. But I grow weary of fighting phantom battles. I want to fight the good fight, rather than putting out fires within the church. I fear it is possible to lose all ability to fight the right battles, because we can grow too tired from fighting the ones that never needed to be fought in the first place.

If you like the picture above, go here for more.

Just Plain Busy

I have had one of the busier weeks in recent memory this past week, only to be followed by an even busier week. I think I am going to go crazy (see picture at left). Really, this week has been very good. I had an epiphany on Saturday evening and that has made my dark night of the soul come to an end. So, even in the midst of a whole lot to do, I am content.

The weekend is what is scaring me. Beginning Friday, I have to drop off my little girls at preschool, then go teach 4 voice lessons which end at 3:00p, then I have to be back at church before 5:00p for a wedding rehearsal. Then my wife and I are going to the rehearsal dinner at one of the nicest places in the area while all three girls stay at the church for our monthly date night. Then, Saturday morning at 8:00a, I am teaching a seminar on the Presence of God at another church. Should be fun. Then I have the wedding on Saturday evening at 5:00 in which I am singing 4 songs. I never sing that many songs in a wedding.

Sunday is always fun, but this week since we have a wedding on Saturday, I had to take out all of our equipment for the contemporary service. So, I will be at the church by 6:30a at the latest to re-set things up. Fun. Then Sunday evening after I am finished practicing with the youth praise band, we will be loading up our sound equipment to get ready for a youth worker's retreat where I am leading worship Monday evening at Laguna Beach. And, interspersed between all of these events, I will have to remind my children of my name.

I guess I would rather be busy then have time to think too much. But I would like to be able to think a little.

Moments of Clarity

For the last several weeks I have felt like I was under a dark cloud. I have felt like this from time to time over the course of my adult life, wondering about direction and the like and really feeling like I was about to have to check myself into an institution. Usually this feeling is accompanied by an eating binge that starts a short trek back to inexcusably fat. By the grace of God, this has not happened and will not happen. I forget that these moments of desperation lead to greater moments of clarity. I think if I could remember the good outcome, I would not be so fretful during the dark night. But that would take away most of the fun.

I am not ready to discuss my epiphany at this point. I want to keep it between me and the Lord for right now, especially since the answer I received is not an immediate one. I remember a time not too long ago when a future answer would have troubled me almost as much as no answer at all, but I have grown up a lot since then. I had this really awful thought that I am less than five years from 40 now and that I feel so young and minuscule and like I have absolutely nothing together. And for the first time, I was not worried by this thought. I want to have it all together and I think I have been given a path to reach this point, but how long the path to get there will take is beyond my comprehension right now. For the first time, I do not feel that I need to have every answer mapped out in order to feel content. I am just glad to have some things plotted on the ever-growing map of my existence.

Saying Good-Bye to the Man

I was saddened to read today that Luciano Pavarotti died early this morning of pancreatic cancer. I do not remember a time that I did not know Pavarotti's name. When I was in high school, my voice teacher had a record of his that was autographed. I was always jealous of this and wished he would bequeath it to me. He was one of those singers whose music was so readily available that even though I grew up in a place that was not the culture capital of the world, I could still find his recordings at the Sound Warehouse. The first classical recording I bought was one of his. The first opera recording I bought was one of his. I remember just marveling at his high D's in La fille du regiment with Joan Sutherland. Absolutely amazing! His voice was so recognizable that there was no mistaking it. I remember riding through his hometown of Modena in 2001 and wondering if he was there. I remember how surprised I was to see my childhood voice instructor serving as the emcee for the Three Tenors concert in Paris now almost ten years ago--and so jealous that she had gotten to meet him. I wish that I had made a greater effort to go to the last concert he had in Dallas, but you never think the opportunity will pass forever. Although I had long become more interested in the French and German art song repertory , I will never forget the one who introduced opera and classical vocal music to me. Thanks Luciano, I will miss you.

In other personal music news: I am enjoying teaching my music appreciation class at the community college. It is fun to be with college students again. I have also started teaching six voice students and that is fun too. It is nice to be able to advise students again and help them along their musical way. I have also been asked to give a short seminar on worship at another church in the area in a couple of weeks. This should be fun, especially since they will pay me for my time.

Nothing else has really got me all in an uproar this week, so no blogs to speak of. I read a great article on Barrack Obama this week. I just wonder if someone with that name can win the general election. He is very professorial and I wonder how that will translate to the everyman voter. Do you think he is someone that a majority of voters could get behind?

Peace.

What's Wrong with Being Naive?

I had another interesting week spent in church work and teaching my course at the community college. Fun. The last couple of days were spent in the company of some beautiful young women. I am really big with the toddler set (and the over 60 set as well). I must admit that I am looking forward to some normalcy. Hopefully this will come this week since our preschool is beginning again on Tuesday and I will have steady childcare from now on. What a stressful couple of weeks. Today we took the girls over to Fort Walton Beach to a Greek Festival. We used to do this every September in Dallas. I always enjoyed it because I have had this love affair in my mind with the Greek (or Russian) Orthodox Church for over a decade now. I went and visited an Orthodox priest several years ago and I thought he was about the holiest person I had ever met. Well, this festival was in a convention center and not at a church, so it lacked some of the je ne sais quo of the one in Dallas, but it was air conditioned and I liked that a lot. We had some Greek food and pastries and looked around and left. The girls did not care for the food, but I really went for myself. I did not buy any icons or books on Orthodoxy this time. I have plenty. But it was fun to do this and remember fun times with friends back in the days before children.

I was watching Bill Maher again last night and he is always interesting (read: thought provoking, or just provoking). They were talking about why it was that Democratic candidates seem to be thinkers and Republicans seem to use more scare tactics in their platforms and that most of middle America wants to believe the Republicans and not think about much of anything. One of his panelists, John Mellencamp, asked Bill what was wrong with being naive or wanting to believe what politicians or leaders tell them. Of course, for Bill Maher, this is an unforgivable sin--to be naive or to just believe something is so because the President or whoever told us so. I have often talked about how I wish for a time when I did believe for the sake of believing. I have become disillusioned enough with our political climate that I am ready for change no matter how that comes. I must admit that though I am not a Bushite any more, I do feel bad for him since he has had to deal with the loss of so many of his closest advisers in the last few weeks. It seems like everyday there is another press conference announcing somebody else is leaving. I guess I wonder if they got to a point where they realized that nobody was listening to their advice. And I feel bad for someone who cannot compromise on anything. I am an idealist in many ways, but I have learned that sometimes the greater good is served by being flexible. This is a hard one for me, but I am learning it. I guess I wish the President could.

But what is wrong with being naive? I would like to live in a world where we can believe our leaders will tell us the truth. I think this was what the political climate was like before Nixon, though I am too young to remember it personally. I remember a quote from Oliver Stone's JFK in which he was talking about conspiracy theories leading back to Johnson and members of the CIA to kill Kennedy. It was something like: "You are talking about the President of the United States. We are supposed to believe what he says. I mean who are we supposed to believe? How do we know who our daddy is except that our mama told us?" I am not a conspiracy theorist and living 12 years in Dallas could make you one, but I do wish I could go back to this type of thought. Blissfully oblivious.

So, what is wrong with being naive? Is it okay to let people go along believing things are fine in America or in the church and not tell them the truth? Or is it better to allow people to continue on blissfully oblivious as long as they feel good about where they are, let alone the possibility of where they are going?

We Would Like to See Jesus

Here is my last article for my local church newsletter:

As the school year begins, I begin to anticipate things to come later in the fall—the Advent and Christmas season in particular. I look forward to this time each year as another opportunity to get to ponder anew how Jesus came into the world and what his life has meant to countless generations over these last 2000 years. I wonder what it was like for those early disciples to learn from Jesus personally. I wonder what it must have been like for those people who just wanted to get close to him—maybe because they thought he would heal them or that just being in his presence, all would be well in their lives. I am reminded of a passage in the Gospel of John in which some Greeks came looking for Jesus during the last Passover he spent with his disciples before being crucified:

Now there were some Greeks among those who went up to worship at the Feast. They came to Philip, who was from Bethsaida in Galilee, with a request. "Sir," they said, "we would like to see Jesus." Philip went to tell Andrew; Andrew and Philip in turn told Jesus. Jesus replied, "The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me. (John 12:20-26)

“Sir, we would like to see Jesus.” What profound wisdom we can find in these simple words. We do not know what they wanted from Jesus or if they had met him before. They just wanted to see him. I am convinced that if we can come to our worship services expecting to see Jesus we will not leave disappointed. We will, in fact, see him. Though Christ is speaking of his death in this passage, I see some significant parallels to the life of faith that all believers need to know. If we give ourselves wholly to Christ’s mission, sacrificing ourselves, we will produce much fruit. I want to be one of those whom the Father honors. I want to be one of those who follow him; one who is not afraid to serve.

My prayer for you is that we become newly aware of our place in this ministry at First United Methodist Church and, in turn, our place in the body of Christ universal. My hope is that we can each come expecting Jesus each time we enter the sanctuary. Imagine what can happen when we all come in expectation and in anticipation of his presence. The early apostles changed the world. What will we be able to do?