The Blog Blues

If you haven't noticed, I have not posted anything of consequence to my blog in quite some time. Part of this has been because I have been really busy with Lent and Easter. Part of it is that I have not been in the mood to blog. Lots of things to talk about, but no energy to put my thoughts together. I guess I have the blog blues. Maybe I just have the blues.

Part of my problem is a lot of things are about to change around me and I never like that. Getting to know new people is always more energy draining for me and I kind of just wish I could just have people read my vitae and then act like we have known each other forever. You know, there is always that period of time in which you have to determine how much of yourself you can share with someone new. I find this a most difficult part of the process of getting to know someone, since I have to decide how much of a threat the new person is to me, and whether or not they are trustworthy enough to get to know more of me than most people know.

For example, I have a student who said I was hard to get to know. They knew my opinions on things, but did not really know me. Like, for instance, they wanted to get me a little something for my birthday last month, but had no idea what I would like. Is this weird? This student's concern was that because I have a broad base of interests and have been to a lot of different places, I may not be able to enjoy a simple gift. I think I like simple things above all, but how would they know? Is this a problem? Should I give more of myself in relationships?

My biggest problem with this conversation was that I think the people who count most to me, know how I feel about things and know what I like. Does everyone I know, or deem worthy, need to know everything about me? I think it is a matter of give and take. My closest friends did not learn of my quirky thoughts about certain topics the day I met them. It is a process. And there are some people that I feel I could never tell all of my thoughts because they would think I was evil. Maybe I am not giving them the benefit of the doubt, but I hear a lot from people, and painfully hear the subtext of too much of what people say (without actually saying it) to think that it is safe to share all of me with everyone. Is this even appropriate in a teacher-student relationship?

Even in my earlier life, I listened a lot and told stories from my life which were relevant to the situation at hand, but never felt the need to tell someone my favorite color or whether or not I like coil art (I do, of course).

Anyway, speaking of students, I went to Texas this past weekend to sing for a former student's wedding. This was the first time I had seen several of my former students since moving to Florida three years ago. I was excited and very reluctant all at the same time. There were those people I would love to see and some I could stand to wait a few more years to see. I think God must have known that I was not ready to see some folks, because they did not show up to the wedding. But I got to see a lot of people who were glad to see me and understood why I made the life change that I did. It was weird though to be back in those shoes once again. I was not completely comfortable, but tried my best to never let on.

I understand vaguely what it may be like when my daughters get married. This student was one of my favorites, and I believe, the only student that has ever gotten me to sing for their wedding. I met her in 2003 in Washington, D. C. She came in to audition for a scholarship. Immediately, she had all this personality and talent, and I just loved her. I was a young, but I felt very fatherly toward her and over the next few years she came to our house quite a bit, watched our girls, was friends with my wife, etc. We loved her and her friends. She and her little group were very difficult to leave, and I realized yet again how much of a sacrifice it was to give them up. Sacrifice is the total gift of something you love. Because of this, it made it all the harder to make this journey back in time. As long as I am here on the other side of the moon, I am too busy to face the grief. But returning, even for a good reason, was painful. I am glad I did it, but I was very glad when my plane touched down in northwest Florida again.

I do not mean to say that I want to go back, because I do not. I have found a home in the United Methodist Church and I look forward to starting classes this summer for my ordination process. I think that my mood might be better if this all had not come right on the tail of Easter. I am just exhausted from all of it really. Over the eight days of Holy Week, I had fifteen services. Absolutely crazy. And one of them was not at my own church. I sang for Easter Vigil Saturday evening at a Lutheran church. I left after an hour and 45 minutes. Granted, I had to be up before 4 am for our Easter sunrise service. And Good Friday service was all the choir pretty much, so it was a long week, followed by preparations for the wedding and travel to and from.

And you know how there is such a letdown after a big event. Anyway, I am looking forward to clearer skies and minds.

How have you been?