Crisis of Faith

I don't know about you, or how you remember things, but I tend to remember feelings better than actual events. This can be good and bad. It is good in that I remember what it felt like to be a certain age or to have something happen to me, so I am better able to help someone who is going through a similar situation now. It is bad for the same reason. This talent does not always make the transition to my faith life. Whereas, I do remember all the crises God has helped me through, I tend to not be able to go the next step--He will help me through this present crisis. It has little to do with belief or faith in God. I think it has a lot to do with faith in myself.


For some time I have been a "fan" of Bart Ehrman's writings on the New Testament and the historical Jesus. Granted, most of them say about the same things, in only slightly different ways, but I still read most of his books when they are published. His latest book is called Jesus Interrupted, which deals with the problems found when one reads the Gospels horizontally (harmonized together) rather than vertically (each one has a theological story to tell in and of itself without the help of the other gospels). A good number of evangelicals think Dr. Ehrman is the devil incarnate. True, he does not think the same things about Jesus that evangelicals do, but I am not convinced he is evil in the flesh either. I think part of this is because some parts of his story resonate with me.


Ehrman has a born again experience as a teenager, was heavily involved in his church youth group. He eventually went to Moody Bible Institute to study the Bible and then on to Wheaton College to study English literature. I mean, it is hard to get more fundy than this. He was a hardliner fundamentalist who believe in the inerrancy of the Bible. In other words, the Bible is without error. Because he was such a good student and took to the study of koine Greek, he decided to go to Princeton Theological Seminary to study for a Master of Divinity. He knew this was a liberal seminary, but he wanted to study with the best professors. He eventually earned the MDiv and a Ph. D. from Princeton, but his belief in the Bible was not left in tact. He eventually became a more liberal Christian and then gave up any religious affiliation.


Ehrman swears his loss of faith had nothing to do with his realization that there were issues with the Biblical text--many variant manuscripts, problematic passages, etc. He says that the question of suffering, and more specifically how a loving God could allow suffering to the extent we see in much of the world, was the proverbial straw that broke his faith. He does not take issue with anyone who continues to practice the Christian faith, but for him, it does not resonate anymore.


Part of me completely understands his journey from fundamentalist to mainline Christian, from complete believer in the inerrancy of the Bible to dealing with problem passages that no one could give me a good answer to. My favorite is Jesus' statement to this effect: "Truly I say to you, this generation will not pass away until all these things take place." Did Jesus believe this or did he mean something else? Coming to terms with some of these things has been difficult. Earlier in my Christian life, this may have been a deal breaker, like the Da Vinci Code or something worse. But I began to realize that the truth was, our faith is just that--faith. If there is no way to doubt, what supernatural faith is necessary?


I remember a colleague at the Bible college complaining that a fellow professor was teaching that the Bible has errors. He was not happy about this, and gave me a "we all have to teach the party line" type answer. It bothered me that all the professors, including myself, knew that this professor was not incorrect in teaching his students that there were errors in the Bible, but we just don't talk about those types of things. And I think this is our worry with our people in the churches, that they cannot deal with the possibility that we truly have to base our beliefs on faith. I began to realize that a faith based solely on my belief that the Bible is completely accurate in all it says, causes my faith to be much more finite. This is not to say that my love for the Bible has waned. I just understand better that by looking at the Scriptures, along with church tradition, and the work of the Holy Spirit in the world today, that I see a more complete vision of the faith than can be seen by looking through the lens of only one.


But Ehrman's story does make me worry that I might end up where he is. Loving the Scriptures, but not finding life in them anymore. Getting to a point where I readily dismiss the moving of the Holy Spirit in my life. Again, much of the time, I have more faith in God than I do in my ability to believe in myself. And, part of me still fights with the inner demon (or angel, depending on your perspective) that wants me to go back into the prison that confined my ability to understand that much about God is not understandable and that is okay.


P. S.: No comments about my salvation, please. No lectures on the evils of reading things that cause you to think outside of your faith box. Long past that argument. In fact, I think doing just that can make your faith stronger, unless it was too weak to begin with. . .