Jesus, Sort of . . .

Concert Wrap Up

Well, this past weekend was a marathon. Last Friday evening I had my last rehearsal for the Vaughan Williams' Five Mystical Songs before I performed them with the Pro Arte Chorale. I am glad that I allowed myself to be talked into singing these songs because it gave me a musical diversion from my normal fare. For the last three years, I have sung/performed/ministered in music constantly. I have never sung so much in my life, and that is hard to believe. In many ways it has been absolutely wonderful because, if I ever needed an appreciative audience/congregation, I have found it here. Granted, there are not a lot of exceptional performers here, especially in classical circles, so it is not hard to be one of the best. But it does make one feel good, if that is what one is seeking. But the truth is, I have gotten into a rut of singing mostly the same music, you know, for weddings and funerals, and worship music is not challenging in the least, so it was about time I did something noteworthy.

Problem is . . . it has been several years since I was really in the habit of singing challenging music, like close to ten years. The last time I gave a full classical vocal recital was in the fall of 1999 and the last time I had a real teacher was in 2000. So, I was out of practice and the choice of literature was very difficult, probably one of the more difficult song cycles I have ever performed. I mean, I would have rather performed a Schubert song cycle, all twenty songs worth. The range was not much to speak of, not much more than an octave, but the tessitura of these songs was really high for a baritone, so there was no down time. Thankfully, only four of the songs were for soloist, so I got to just listen to the chorale sing the final song.

Anyway, so I rehearsed Friday evening, performed the first concert Saturday evening, and had all my regular duties Sunday morning (three services, plus a lot of clean up/set up from a wedding the night before) before I drove to Santa Rosa Beach for the final concert Sunday afternoon. The first performance was fine, but I felt much more comfortable with the songs the second time around. I did get paid at least, so all the work was not in vain. Everyone was very pleased with my performances. One commented that the performance was like a night at the opera. Whatever. I really am my worst critic.

After the concert, I met the girls at Red Robin in Panama City Beach and we did a little shopping and came home. I never oversleep, but I was so tired the next morning that I woke up thirty minutes late. And, to top off an already zombie like Monday, I ended up having to sing for a funeral that afternoon. So 2 performances and 4 services in less than 48 hours.

The songs were based on five poems by George Herbert (1593-1633). Here is the text in its entirety:

Five Mystical Songs

Easter
Rise heart; thy Lord is risen.
Sing his praise Without delays,
Who takes thee by the hand,
that thou likewise With him may'st rise;
That, as his death calcined thee to dust,
His life may make thee gold, and much more, Just.

Awake, my lute, and struggle for thy part
With all thy art.
The cross taught all wood to resound his name
Who bore the same.
His stretched sinews taught all strings, what key
Is best to celebrate this most high day.

Consort both heart and lute, and twist a song
Pleasant and long: Or since all music is but three parts vied,
And multiplied; O let thy blessed Spirit bear a part,
And make up our defects with his sweet art.

I Got Me Flowers
I got me flowers to strew thy way;
I got me boughs off many a tree:
But thou wast up by break of day,
And brought'st thy sweets along with thee.

The Sun arising in the East,
Though he give light, and the East perfume;
If they should offer to contest
With thy arising, they presume.

Can there be any day but this,
Though many suns to shine endeavour?
We count three hundred, but we miss:
There is but one, and that one ever.

Love Bade Me Welcome
Love bade me welcome: yet my soul drew back,
Guilty of dust and sin.
But quick-ey'd Love, observing me grow slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning,
If I lack'd anything.

A guest, I answer'd, worthy to be here:
Love said, You shall be he.
I the unkind, ungrateful?
Ah, my dear, I cannot look on thee.
Love took my hand, and smiling did reply,
Who made the eyes but I?

Truth, Lord, but I have marr'd them: let my shame
Go where it doth deserve.
And know you not, says Love, who bore the blame?
My dear, then I will serve.
You must sit down, says Love, and taste my meat:
So I did sit and eat.

The Call
Come, my Way, my Truth, my Life:
Such a Way, as gives us breath:
Such a Truth, as ends all strife:
Such a Life, as killeth death.

Come, My Light, my Feast, my Strength:
Such a Light, as shows a feast:
Such a Feast, as mends in length:
Such a Strength, as makes his guest.

Come, my Joy, my Love, my Heart:
Such a Joy, as none can move:
Such a Love, as none can part:
Such a Heart, as joys in love.

Antiphon
Let all the world in every corner sing,
My God and King!

The heavens are not too high,
His praise may thither fly:
The earth is not too low,
His praises there may grow.

Let all the world in every corner sing,
My God and King!

The church with Psalms must shout.
No door can keep them out:
But above all, the heart
Must bear the longest part.

Let all the world in every corner sing,
My God and King!

Crisis of Faith

I don't know about you, or how you remember things, but I tend to remember feelings better than actual events. This can be good and bad. It is good in that I remember what it felt like to be a certain age or to have something happen to me, so I am better able to help someone who is going through a similar situation now. It is bad for the same reason. This talent does not always make the transition to my faith life. Whereas, I do remember all the crises God has helped me through, I tend to not be able to go the next step--He will help me through this present crisis. It has little to do with belief or faith in God. I think it has a lot to do with faith in myself.


For some time I have been a "fan" of Bart Ehrman's writings on the New Testament and the historical Jesus. Granted, most of them say about the same things, in only slightly different ways, but I still read most of his books when they are published. His latest book is called Jesus Interrupted, which deals with the problems found when one reads the Gospels horizontally (harmonized together) rather than vertically (each one has a theological story to tell in and of itself without the help of the other gospels). A good number of evangelicals think Dr. Ehrman is the devil incarnate. True, he does not think the same things about Jesus that evangelicals do, but I am not convinced he is evil in the flesh either. I think part of this is because some parts of his story resonate with me.


Ehrman has a born again experience as a teenager, was heavily involved in his church youth group. He eventually went to Moody Bible Institute to study the Bible and then on to Wheaton College to study English literature. I mean, it is hard to get more fundy than this. He was a hardliner fundamentalist who believe in the inerrancy of the Bible. In other words, the Bible is without error. Because he was such a good student and took to the study of koine Greek, he decided to go to Princeton Theological Seminary to study for a Master of Divinity. He knew this was a liberal seminary, but he wanted to study with the best professors. He eventually earned the MDiv and a Ph. D. from Princeton, but his belief in the Bible was not left in tact. He eventually became a more liberal Christian and then gave up any religious affiliation.


Ehrman swears his loss of faith had nothing to do with his realization that there were issues with the Biblical text--many variant manuscripts, problematic passages, etc. He says that the question of suffering, and more specifically how a loving God could allow suffering to the extent we see in much of the world, was the proverbial straw that broke his faith. He does not take issue with anyone who continues to practice the Christian faith, but for him, it does not resonate anymore.


Part of me completely understands his journey from fundamentalist to mainline Christian, from complete believer in the inerrancy of the Bible to dealing with problem passages that no one could give me a good answer to. My favorite is Jesus' statement to this effect: "Truly I say to you, this generation will not pass away until all these things take place." Did Jesus believe this or did he mean something else? Coming to terms with some of these things has been difficult. Earlier in my Christian life, this may have been a deal breaker, like the Da Vinci Code or something worse. But I began to realize that the truth was, our faith is just that--faith. If there is no way to doubt, what supernatural faith is necessary?


I remember a colleague at the Bible college complaining that a fellow professor was teaching that the Bible has errors. He was not happy about this, and gave me a "we all have to teach the party line" type answer. It bothered me that all the professors, including myself, knew that this professor was not incorrect in teaching his students that there were errors in the Bible, but we just don't talk about those types of things. And I think this is our worry with our people in the churches, that they cannot deal with the possibility that we truly have to base our beliefs on faith. I began to realize that a faith based solely on my belief that the Bible is completely accurate in all it says, causes my faith to be much more finite. This is not to say that my love for the Bible has waned. I just understand better that by looking at the Scriptures, along with church tradition, and the work of the Holy Spirit in the world today, that I see a more complete vision of the faith than can be seen by looking through the lens of only one.


But Ehrman's story does make me worry that I might end up where he is. Loving the Scriptures, but not finding life in them anymore. Getting to a point where I readily dismiss the moving of the Holy Spirit in my life. Again, much of the time, I have more faith in God than I do in my ability to believe in myself. And, part of me still fights with the inner demon (or angel, depending on your perspective) that wants me to go back into the prison that confined my ability to understand that much about God is not understandable and that is okay.


P. S.: No comments about my salvation, please. No lectures on the evils of reading things that cause you to think outside of your faith box. Long past that argument. In fact, I think doing just that can make your faith stronger, unless it was too weak to begin with. . .

Coming Evangelical Collapse

I have not been in the blogging mood for some time. I have had several things that have been on my mind, but I just have not had the energy to put anything into the ether about my pet topics. I mean, gee whiz, I never talked about Rush Limbaugh and his tirade(s) and whether or not he is the de facto leader of the Republican party. Granted, if he is throwing the party I am not going, but I would likely not be invited anyway, so . . . hmm.

A couple of weeks ago, an old friend brought this article about the coming evangelical collapse to my attention. There are a lot of interesting thoughts and predictions about ministries ending, churches closing, and political clout evaporating. The main reasons Michael Spencer gives are as follows:

1. Evangelicals have identified their movement with the culture war and with political conservatism. This will prove to be a very costly mistake. Evangelicals will increasingly be seen as a threat to cultural progress. Public leaders will consider us bad for America, bad for education, bad for children, and bad for society.

2. We Evangelicals have failed to pass on to our young people an orthodox form of faith that can take root and survive the secular onslaught. Ironically, the billions of dollars we've spent on youth ministers, Christian music, publishing, and media has produced a culture of young Christians who know next to nothing about their own faith except how they feel about it.

3. There are three kinds of evangelical churches today: consumer-driven megachurches, dying churches, and new churches whose future is fragile. Denominations will shrink, even vanish, while fewer and fewer evangelical churches will survive and thrive.

4. Despite some very successful developments in the past 25 years, Christian education has not produced a product that can withstand the rising tide of secularism. Evangelicalism has used its educational system primarily to staff its own needs and talk to itself.

5. The confrontation between cultural secularism and the faith at the core of evangelical efforts to "do good" is rapidly approaching. We will soon see that the good Evangelicals want to do will be viewed as bad by so many, and much of that work will not be done. Look for ministries to take on a less and less distinctively Christian face in order to survive.

6. Even in areas where Evangelicals imagine themselves strong (like the Bible Belt), we will find a great inability to pass on to our children a vital evangelical confidence in the Bible and the importance of the faith.

7. The money will dry up.

I think these are some significant questions that many of us have been asking for quite some time, but again, it is good to see these things in print. You can also check out Spencer's blog "Internet Monk" here.

In other personal news:

1. I decided to register for classes this summer, so it looks like I am really going to go back to school. Thankfully, I have several avenues for funding. So, at the very most I will only have to pay for half of my tuition. And, I decided to change to a Master of Divinity program. I should be shot, but I think I will be able to transfer in enough graduate credits to make the MDiv within striking distance of a regular MA (TS) degree. And, I have chosen to start with courses that will work toward my ordination, which means by the end of the year, I may be a provisional deacon. So, hold on, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

2. Out little Elizabeth was student of the quarter for her Kindergarten class this past 9 weeks. We were a little surprised since Liz is not much for the book learnin.' She was so pleased. It was nice for her to win a big award since she lives with Marcia Brady.

3. I am in the final stages of preparing for my big concert this weekend. I have come to realize that the performance side of me is drying up. The music (Vaughan Williams' 5 Mystical Songs) is wonderful, but I would rather not be the one singing them. This is difficult for those around me to understand because they think that music should be the most fun job ever (and it is, or can be). But I am thinking long and hard about what role music will play in the next chapter of my life, my ordained life.

Now, how's that for opening a kettle of fish?

Purgatory?

I was reading Greg Boyd's blog the other day and noticed this entry on the doctrine of purgatory and how it relates to suicide. I have never heard a Protestant give such a good apologetic for believing in the possibility of a place of refining before entering the pearly gates.

Here is an excerpt:

"The trouble is that, like most evangelicals, this young man held the view that our character is magically made perfect the moment we die. Sanctification may be hard during this life, this view holds, but if you’re “saved” you’re perfected and all struggles cease the moment you die.
Tragically, this belief not only encourages suicide for people who are desperately tired of the struggle, but it also seems to make sanctification in this life optional. Many wonder why they should go through all the hard work of character refinement in this life if they’re going to instantly be made perfect the moment after they take their last breath? I’m convinced this belief, together with the common “legal” view of “justification,” is largely behind the epidemic apathy toward Christ-like holiness that characterizes the modern western church."


To read the article in its entirety, follow this link.

Thoughts?

Forgetfulness and Other Random Thoughts for March

These past couple of weeks have been somewhat nondescript. I have been really busy and have had several thoughts that I wanted to post, but never seemed to have the energy to put them down in print. So here goes with a wrap up of thoughts for the past two weeks.

I saw a church billboard that read: "Jesus, your tour guide in heaven." I don't think I have ever been so offended in my life that Jesus has been reduced to a tour guide. You know all of that dying for our sins to bring us back into relationship with God was all so that he could serve as a tour guide for us when we get to heaven. And you know, that is the only reason to be a Christian is so we can go to heaven. This sighting came quickly on the heels of a status post I read on Facebook that went something like: "____ wishes Jesus would come back today more than ever before." I am bothered when we use Jesus' imminent return as a way to get out of our troubles here on earth. Whenever someone says something like this to me, my first thought is: "Dear God, what if He did come today? How much of His work is still left to be done, primarily because we won't do it? It absolutely terrifies me--the thought that Jesus might return and find us working on all manner of things that have no eternal value.

I like this quote about service from Chris Loder's book, The Logic of the Spirit: Human Development in Theological Perspective:

“Christian self-understanding drives toward the goal of giving love
sacrificially with integrity after the pattern of Christ. This means the willing
breaking of one’s wholeness potential for the sake of another, a free choice
that has nothing to do with oppression because it is an act of integrity and
everything to do with Christ’s free choice to go to the cross as an act of
love.”

This reminded me of a former post of mine, something to the effect that "you know you are a servant when you are treated like one and it does not bother you."

And one last thing: About two weeks ago, an old friend posted a picture of me on Facebook. This is not newsworthy, except that I could not remember the event at all. I commented to her that I had absolutely no recollection of the event at all and she sent me another picture demonstrating, yet again, that I was indeed present on this certain occasion. When I got to thinking about when that picture was taken, I remembered that it was a very difficult time for me and much of that period I have forgotten. It was a time of great disappointment and what I do remember was being in a cloud most of the time and tending only to those things that had to be dealt with. It was good to have friends help me out of my funk. Melancholy thoughts.

I guess we all have times like that where we are just going through the motions in life, when everything is just a barrier to have to cross in order to make it through to the next day. I have less of these periods than I used to have, maybe because I have lowered my expectations or I have begun to understand how I deal with stressors (people and/or events) better. I am also better equipped to deal with melancholy thoughts than I was back in the day. I remember my senior year in high school I made those chocolate oatmeal no-bake cookies every week and ate them all myself. Now, I usually try to go for a run and then eat the cookies. Kind of balances out that way. (Truth is, I can't make those cookies anymore. The last two times I tried, they failed miserably. The last time I tried to make them with Splenda. I think I had to throw away the pot I made them in.)

Oh well, enough of that.

In other news ~ We had a very nice Ash Wednesday service this past week at the church. Very moving. We imposed ashes on everyone, had communion, and gave everyone a rock which stood for sins that we need to conquer. On Good Friday, we are supposed to bring our rock back and lay it at the foot of the cross as a symbol that we have given it to the Lord. I really like that I am a part of a church that celebrates Lent. You know, I love to feel bad about myself and for forty days that is okay.

My middle child, Elizabeth, had a good report from the eye doctor. About a month ago she failed an eye balance screening. Don't know what that means, but she was referred to a specialist who could not find anything wrong with her. Hallelu. I just could not imagine sending her to school with an eye patch. She would have made a cute pirate, but she already deals with enough Jan Bradyisms that I could not bear the thought of causing her any undue grief.

I had my first rehearsal with the Pro Arte Chorale this past weekend. I have been engaged as the soloist on Ralph Vaughan Williams' Five Mystical Songs. It should be interesting. This is my first classical solo gig in quite some time. I am a little nervous, but things went fairly well. I still need some practice, but at least the songs are in English and so I don't have to translate anything.