A Missional Apologetics Manifesto

I thought this was interesting since I talk about emergent/missional things quite a bit. Though my leanings toward this movement go back a goodly way, I am still fairly new to the "players."

A Missional Apologetics Manifesto:

1. Missional Apologetics applies the insights of missiology, recognizing that all Jesus-followers are called to be missionaries wherever they are.
2. Missional Apologetics emphasizes the importance of cultural studies and cross-cultural principles.
3. Missional Apologetics understands the importance of contextualization.
4. Missional Apologetics flows out of relationships.
5. Missional Apologetics employs reason, experience, and emotion, understanding the limitations of all.
6. Missional Apologetics incorporates one’s ears as well as mouth.
7. Missional Apologetics relies on the gospel lived, as well as taught.
8. Missional Apologetics requires serious reflection flowing from a mature biblical and theological foundation.
9. Missional Apologetics is engaged in by people who are lifelong learners.
10. Missional Apologetics is patient, recognizing that most people process new or difficult ideas over time.
11. Missional Apologetics recognizes that sometimes the best apologetic is an apology.
12. Missional Apologetics isn’t afraid of mystery and wonder. Rather, this compliments our understanding of a God who is immanent, yet transcendent.
13. Missional Apologetics values honesty over pretending to know it all.
14. Missional Apologetics seeks to create an environment where it’s safe to challenge, confront, and critique the Christian faith.
15. Missional Apologetics is centered on the Gospel, which is for everyone who believes. Therefore, Missional Apologetics does not discriminate.
16. Missional Apologetics is most effective in an environment where practitioners are allowed to fail, risk, dream, and imagine.
17. Missional Apologetics is comfortable with doubt.
18. Missional Apologetics is sociologically informed.
19. Missional Apologetics encourages dialogue, not merely monologue.
20. Missional Apologetics takes questions seriously.
21. Missional Apologetics is used as a tool for mission.
22. Missional Apologetics stands on the shoulders of its historical precursors, yet presses forward to contextually and relevantly apply apologetics in today’s world.
23. Missional Apologetics is humble, recognizing the role of the Holy Spirit.
24. Missional Apologetics understands it’s limitations, and that there is One Savior, Jesus Christ.
25. Missional Apologetics is ethical, and therefore uses the mind and hands to address social injustices, evil, and suffering in the world.

Missional Apologetics is dynamic, not static, as will likely be demonstrated by the additions, deletions, and revisions to this manifesto as time and relevance demands.

I like these things. And most of these beliefs are right in line with my personal theology and opinion on evangelism and what the church's worldview should be. But my question is: How do these really translate to the Church as it is now? Are these things that most churches are capable of introducing to a long-standing congregation? Or are these just pipe dreams of naive idealists? I used to think I was a pessimist, a cynic. But I realized that I was not pessimistic, but idealistic. I am saddened when the Church does not live up to its potential (or when other people miss it, or when I do), because I actually believe she can. What do you think?

The Evangelical Crack Up?

I read this interesting, and long article in the New York Times Magazine today. The article, "The Evangelical Crackup," was written by David D. Kirkpatrick, a journalist who has followed the religious right for some time. The article dealt primarily with evangelical voting trends and political soap boxes. Here are a few long excerpts from the article that I thought were particularly interesting:

"Just three years ago, the leaders of the conservative Christian political movement could almost see the Promised Land. White evangelical Protestants looked like perhaps the most potent voting bloc in America. They turned out for President George W. Bush in record numbers, supporting him for re-election by a ratio of four to one. Republican strategists predicted that religious traditionalists would help bring about an era of dominance for their party. Spokesmen for the Christian conservative movement warned of the wrath of “values voters.” James C. Dobson, the founder of Focus on the Family, was poised to play kingmaker in 2008, at least in the Republican primary. And thanks to President Bush, the Supreme Court appeared just one vote away from answering the prayers of evangelical activists by overturning Roe v. Wade."

"Today the movement shows signs of coming apart beneath its leaders. It is not merely that none of the 2008 Republican front-runners come close to measuring up to President Bush in the eyes of the evangelical faithful, although it would be hard to find a cast of characters more ill fit for those shoes: a lapsed-Catholic big-city mayor; a Massachusetts Mormon; a church-skipping Hollywood character actor; and a political renegade known for crossing swords with the Rev. Pat Robertson and the Rev. Jerry Falwell. Nor is the problem simply that the Democratic presidential front-runners — Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, Senator Barack Obama and former Senator John Edwards — sound like a bunch of tent-revival Bible thumpers compared with the Republicans."

"The 2008 election is just the latest stress on a system of fault lines that go much deeper. The phenomenon of theologically conservative Christians plunging into political activism on the right is, historically speaking, something of an anomaly. Most evangelicals shrugged off abortion as a Catholic issue until after the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision. But in the wake of the ban on public-school prayer, the sexual revolution and the exodus to the suburbs that filled the new megachurches, protecting the unborn became the rallying cry of a new movement to uphold the traditional family. Now another confluence of factors is threatening to tear the movement apart. The extraordinary evangelical love affair with Bush has ended, for many, in heartbreak over the Iraq war and what they see as his meager domestic accomplishments. That disappointment, in turn, has sharpened latent divisions within the evangelical world — over the evangelical alliance with the Republican Party, among approaches to ministry and theology, and between the generations."

I always like a quote from former President Jimmy Carter, since he is such a polarizing figure in the evangelical world. In discussing the place of America on the world stage he said:

"I think that a superpower ought to be the exemplification of a commitment to peace,” Carter told Hybels, who nodded along. “I would like for anyone in the world that’s threatened with conflict to say to themselves immediately: ‘Why don’t we go to Washington? They believe in peace and they will help us get peace.’ ” Carter added: “This is just a simple but important extrapolation from what a human being ought to do, and what a human being ought to do is what Jesus Christ did, who was a champion of peace.”

Here is another one of those, I thought I was the only one moments:

"Conservative Christian leaders in Washington acknowledge a “leftward drift” among evangelicals, said Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council and the movement’s chief advocate in Washington. He told me he believed that Hybels and many of his admirers had, in effect, fallen away from orthodox evangelical theology. Perkins compared the phenomenon to the century-old division in American Protestantism between the liberal mainline and the orthodox evangelical churches. “It is almost like another split coming within the evangelicals,” he said."

And again. he mentions one of the reasons why I wanted to be a part of a church that was interested in the here and now of our faith rather than just the eternal future:

“There is this sense that the personal Gospel is what evangelicals believe and the social Gospel is what liberal Christians believe,” Carlson said, “and, you know, there is only one Gospel that has both social and personal dimensions to it.” He once felt lonely among evangelicals for taking that approach, he told me. “Now it is a growing phenomenon,” he said.

One final quote:

“The religious right peaked a long time ago,” he added. “As a historical, sociological phenomenon, it has seen its heyday. Something new is coming.”

If something new is coming, what do you think it is? Has the religious right really seen its best days? I am really interested to see how the next year unfolds.

"Contemporary" is Such a Dirty Word

I had an interesting exchange last night during choir practice. A gentleman who is a terrific singer and someone I admire commented on the decline of church music in general. This, of course, had to do with the overwhelming changes that have occurred in pretty much every denomination with regard to the addition of a contemporary service or a "blended" service. He was concerned that the closest Christian university, which just so happens to be a Baptist college, no longer had any organ students and that Florida State University, one of the largest and most successful state music programs in the country only had ten organ majors in their entire program (up through the doctoral level).

Another choir member mentioned that several of her Baptist friends would go to their service and then go home and watch our church on television because we actually sing hymns. She also mentioned that they were not allowed to carry music with them into the choir loft because then they would not be able to clap along with the music. She said they hated this. My only comment to them was that I was aware of these issues, and how "real" music has been stripped from our culture to such a degree that most younger folks are not aware of even the most well-known classical themes. I have noticed this more and more over my years of teaching college music students and non-music majors in music appreciation courses. They are just completely unaware of any music other than their favorite. I tell them there was a time when classical music was more a part of our culture. I remember hearing so many themes taken straight out of Wagner, Rossini, and Johann Strauss in Bugs Bunny cartoons. And what about all the music in Disney's Fantasia and just the way they sang the songs in Sleeping Beauty and the like. They were some great singers. But I digress.

I did not remind my choir members that I also lead a contemporary service at our church. Most of them are only slightly aware that I do this, and this is mainly from my participation with the youth worship team during our Wednesday evening fellowship supper. Nobody pays a bit of attention to us and, though this makes me angry on a certain level, is perfectly fine with me on a more base level--I really do not want my traditional folks to know I do "contemporary" music. And why might you ask? Because we still have several folks who think that contemporary is evil, that it is the end of the church, not just church music. I primarily want to leave the boat unrocked. Again, I consider this a political-type issue and try to remain neutral as much as possible in public.

I have had some time to consider these issues, and as I have said often, I chose to go into the Methodist church for several reasons. One, because they do still have a great appreciation for classical and traditional style church music. A quick aside: It is funny to me how my definition of "traditional" has changed in such a short time. Not too long ago, my idea of traditional would have been gospel songs and old "choruses" that were the mainstay of my traditional, Assemblies of God growing up. Of course, traditional means different things to different people. And, second, because I do not think of myself as the hippest cat on the block, and I wanted to enter a world where I could dabble in areas that I do well, but not have the pressure to be the most cutting edge rocker type. In other words, I would rather be the coolest thing in a not so cool place instead of being the nerdiest thing in an all too cool place. Not very spiritual, but practical from my point of view when I was at a low and looking for something to rebuild "me."

But I am wondering if the death of one style of worship is all that bad of a thing? This has been the case throughout the history of the church. There was a time when the organ was considered evil and its introduction into the church a sacrilege. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a traditional service better than most folks. I absolutely love a good liturgy, the higher the church the better. But, when it comes right down to it, the thing that connects me to God in an intimate, rather than transcendent way more easily is going to be on the side of contemporary. Whereas, I like the organ and love to hear it played well and I like how it accompanies and makes the congregation sing out all the louder, it is not the organ that I think of when I think about "worship." And herein lies the rub: Do we so equate our music with our worship that the two cannot be removed from each other? Are we so afraid of losing what makes us comfortable that we will sacrifice being relevant to younger people?

Now, I know there are those who would say that Traditional worship is just as relevant as contemporary worship and that any age person can find God in it. And I agree with this statement. However, I wonder how well someone who did not grow up with some acquaintance with church traditions would be able to understand what we do? It doesn't mean that they cannot, it just means there are a lot of cultural barriers to their coming closer to God. Even in contemporary services there are still a lot of churchy barriers, but at least the music (for the most part) and the more casual dress of the people and the less structured feeling of the service make the harder to swallow parts easier for the average unchurched person. I think in American churches we have a hard time believing there are actually people who have no idea what we do in church on a weekly basis. Just ask someone who does not go to church at all to tell you the Biblical Christmas story or how the Easter bunny came out of the tomb on Easter Sunday and saw his shadow and went back in for another six weeks. Well, maybe that last one is a stretch.

I am just thinking a lot about this idea of bringing people to Jesus, rather than bringing them to "church." I am thinking about connecting people to Christ, rather than just counting church attendees/members. I am wondering how long I can pretend this is not my job.

A Weird Musical Posting

Okay, so I have been teaching voice lessons again for the last couple of months. I have a couple of young, private students and five that I teach for credit at the community college. It is interesting to be back in the swing of teaching and getting to know voices again. Most of my students are pretty good, which is nice. They are, for the most part, learning their music rather quickly (a phenomenon I am not used to) so we began to talk about adding to their repertoire for the semester. My first thought is to add some "interesting" American music. My old students will know that I have a certain affinity for American composers like Samuel Barber and Ned Rorem and Charles Ives. So, I brought in Barber's Hermit Songs and several Rorem songs. Well, these were not a hit by any stretch of the imagination. I only had one of the students really take to any of them. Comments were along the lines of: "Well, I've heard music like that before, I just never thought of singing them myself."

For you classical vocal aficionados: How far along in your study did it take for you to develop an ear for quirky music? I admit, the first time I heard Barber songs was when I was in high school and my voice teacher always tried to get me to sing "The Monk and His Cat" and I told him I hated it. Now, it is one of my favorite American art songs.

OK, this was a really nerdy post that does not pertain to most of my readers (all three of you), but I rarely ever post on anything musical and thought I would give it a shot. The picture above is Ned Rorem, a man who lives on Nantucket. . . really.

Ramblings and Other Rants for the Week

OK, so my oldest daughter turned eight on Saturday. It was fun and sad all at the same time. We had a good day, starting with the night before. I have trained her well. She wanted to go eat at my favorite restaurant in honor of her birthday, and who am I to tell her "No." We got her some High School Musical toys and a scooter. All good.

Sad news: We have decided to find our puppy a new home. He drives me absolutely crazy. Truth is, he is a good dog, but I am not in a dog state of mind right now. We are too busy to have a dog with our very active lives and 3 small children. The girls are not devastated. My little Liz thinks we should get a goldfish. I guess we will get over it. I will get over cleaning my brand new carpet every other day. So, if you are looking for a very cute puppy and have time to devote to him, give me a call.

Interesting news #1: I heard on Bill Maher Friday night that the most conservative of states actually lead the country in divorces, obesity, and other such issues. If Red state=Christian, then I wonder what this says about the church? Are we any different? Maybe this is the problem. The world sees us as just like them, only too full of ourselves to admit it.

Interesting news #2: Bob Jones III is supporting Mitt Romney for president. Wow.

In Churchy news: Willow Creek has done a significant study of churches and their success in connecting people to Jesus. I was glad to hear some of these things from people other than myself. Mainly the point was that churches try to take people who are far from God and make them into disciples. And we do this by giving them opportunities to participate in programs like worship services, classes, small groups, service projects, etc. But the study found that participation in programs does not produce disciples at all. We have a tendency to look at church as a one size fits all kind of experience, everyone should be involved in everything the church does. And this is great for folks who are exploring Christianity or who are growing in their new walk with Christ, but it is increasingly disappointing to people who are close to Christ or who are centered in Christ, those who would call their relationship with Christ the most important relationship they have. The church is not meeting the needs of those who are truly committed to Christ and who are close to Him. The study also found another group of people who were stalled in their walk with Christ, people who believe in Christ as their Savior, but who are not investing time with Him. Oddly enough, these folks are some very faithful church members.

The implications of the Willow Creek study are striking. Rather than asking the question: "How many people are we reaching?" we should be asking "How are the things we are doing in our church helping people to meaningfully connect with Christ?" We need to look beyond staff members and key volunteers and ask the people who are in the church what they really need and what works, and what does not work. We need to deeply listen to these folks. And, significantly, we cannot do this alone. We need to rethink all old assumptions and make changes as necessary that are informed by our research and grounded in the Scriptures.

Again, the question is: "Are we connecting people to Jesus?" Here is the link to the video from Willow Creek.

A Thief in the Night, Panama City Style

OK, I had a weird experience today. Everything has gone seriously back to normal since we returned from the Land of Enchantment, Disney style. It has rained a lot these past few days. In fact, today it pretty much rained all day and there was a tornado warning. Fun. Well, normally on Thursdays I go to church in the morning, teach a voice lesson at noon, and then go home for an hour to start my weekly laundry and other household chores that never get done until Thursday before I go pick up Emma at school. On Thursdays, we spend some time together in the afternoons and I have started to teach her piano lessons. She is doing fine, she just wants to be perfect at it without any practice. We are working on that one.

Anyway, so my story goes a little something like this: When I left home to pick Emma up at school (we live less than 2 miles from the school), I heard a tornado warning on the radio, but it was several miles away from us and moving even further away. So, no worries on my end. I get to the school and there is not very much movement. I park, get out of my car, and weave through the other cars that are parked in the pick-up line. It is raining, but not pouring by any means. I begin to notice that there are no people in any of these parked cars. The blinds are all drawn on the classroom windows. [For those of you not familiar with schools in northwest Florida, they remind me of drive-up motels. You can go directly to each classroom from outside. I think it is a little weird and I wonder about how they can really lock down the entire school safely in case crazy ensues.] And, though I have not worried about this in some time, my first thought was: "Dear God, I have missed the rapture!" I could hear that old-fashioned alarm clock going off by the side of the bed in the cult classic "A Thief in the Night." Scary. I mean that Christian dude had the worst teeth I have ever seen. ; ) I knocked on the door and eventually my wife came to the door (she teaches in the classroom next to Emma's) and let me in. The students were under lock down due to the weather. I took my little one, who will be 8 years old on Saturday, and we "braved" the weather and went home.

It is amazing to me how, no matter how old I get, or however my theology evolves, the things we learn from our youngest days tend to stick with us, or at least come back to us in times of crisis (whether real or perceived). I guess this can be both good and bad. I have no intention of debating the scriptural accuracy of dispensationalist eschatology in this blog, so I will leave it at that. Really, at this point in my life, I spend very little time [read: none at all] fearfully contemplating the end of the world. I think this is a diversion from more pressing issues, like the things Jesus talked about most--healing the sick, clothing the naked, making way for His Kingdom to come on earth as it is in heaven--those types of things.

I had an interesting exchange this week, or more precisely, near exchange over presidential politics and the upcoming election. I never talk about politics at church, especially since I am no longer the most conservative of the bunch. For the most part, I leave my thoughts out of any political conversation (and I did this time as well). I direct this senior ladies choir that sings at area nursing homes and retirement centers. At the end of each rehearsal we have a time for prayer concerns, and considering their age, this can be an extensive period. One of the younger members of the choir is not a Methodist. I am not sure where she attends church, but it is definitely a charismatic church of some sort. At the end of the prayer concerns, she gravely mentioned that we needed to pray for the upcoming election. Florida's primaries are coming up in January and "we need to pray that the right man is elected." Which, of course, was seconded by "or the right woman." This led to a slight altercation about whether or not our current president was, in fact, the right person. Anyway, I prayed that God's will would be done in us and in our country.

But I got to thinking again: Does God care who is the president of the US of A? I remember spending hours complaining about the moral woes of the Clinton administration back in the 1990s. And, though I keep it mostly to myself, I have just as many (or more) complaints about the current, "Christian" administration. I will vote for the right person, who may or may not be a man. In the end, I think that God mostly cares that we do the things that He expects of us personally. I am not convinced that the idea of a "Christian nation" is all that good of a thing (or ever was a reality in our history for that matter). I guess I can hope that the Rapture will come and we won't have to worry about it. But I have this sneaking suspicion that we will make it through the next election cycle.

Cue music: "Life was filled with guns and war . . . " Fade to white . . .

Back from the Happiest Place on Earth

Well, we had a great weekend at Walt Disney World. I will post most of our pictures on my Facebook at some point in the near future. October is a wonderful time to go to Disney. We never had to wait for rides very long and the girls, on the whole, enjoyed themselves and being with each other. Mad did not particularly care for the characters. She was a little traumatized by Tigger and Piglet at Epcot and it did not get any better with the princesses. That was fun for us. We spent Saturday at Epcot with all the folks who came for the International Wine and Food Festival. Let me tell you, we started in "Mexico" and ate there, but by the time we made it all the way around the World Showcase, there were a lot of drunk people. I was afraid my girls would learn some new sign language and some colorful turns of phrase while we rested in "Canada." They also had an exhibit honoring the 100th anniversary of Oklahoma's statehood. Sunday we went to the Magic Kingdom and it was the perfect day to go. The girls were in Disney heaven.

I can say that all in all it was a success because I did not think about work or take anything to plan while I was away. Then, of course, Monday came and we had to come back. I think I want to go to work for Disney. Well, maybe I do. I can only imagine what it is like to be pleasant to all of the people who come to Disney during the year. Kinda like working for the church, except with funny costumes and a kind word for everyone. Wait, it is just like working in the church.

And speaking of people, even though it was a small crowd, there are always interesting folks to see. It is amazing the cross section of society that comes to Disney. For instance, you have some very pretty people and then some really unfortunate folks. And some nerds that wear the silly Mouseketeer ears or worse, the Fantasia sorcerer's hats. I wanted to tell these poor, unfortunate souls something ironic and witty, but realized I was there too and did not have firm footing. Although, I never did put on ears. I always hear a lot of languages at Disney and that is fun. It seems like a lot of British folks come to WDW as well. I wonder what these folks from abroad think of all the Americanisms at Disney. I mean, the Hall of Presidents at the Magic Kingdom and the American Experience at Epcot. Of course, it is propaganda, but propaganda that we like about ourselves and how wonderful we are. I just wonder how others view it.

Well, everything is back to normal now, but I realize that I need to vacation more often than I do. If I knew it in my head before, I know it in my heart now. I can only give so much before there is nothing left to give. And that is not good for me, or my family, or for the church. Even a short vacation gave me something to look forward to last week and has given me enough zeal to make it through to Christmas (I hope).

Klingon Boggle and Other Degrees of Nerdiness

Well, I have spent most of the last week under the weather. I think I probably drove myself sick. I had another bad day on Wednesday and by nightfall I had a fever. It has been on and off since then, but I feel much better in the evenings than I do in the mornings. I have had several epiphanies over the last few days, but the biggest thing I have learned is that I need to get over myself, not take everything personally, and just get on with life. Easier said than done, but I am going to try. Sunday was good, even though I was still feverish all morning. Monday has been great. One of my biggest anxiety-inducing issues got some resolution. Thank God for small favors. I have less to do this week at church because I am going to be out of town this weekend. I am taking the fam to the happiest place on earth. If I cannot get out of the country, at least I can go to Epcot and the Magic Kingdom and have a faux-international good time. I will buy myself a lovely French chocolate pastry and blissfully go to my happy place.

I have some new favorite television shows too. I watched Pushing Daisies and it was weirdly enjoyable. It is about this guy who has the power to return someone to life for a minute. If he lets them live longer than a minute, someone in the near proximity dies. It was weird in an Amelie kind of way, you know with the weird voice over (kind of like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory in color scheme and Oompa Loompa voice over). But I liked Amelie, so that is good. I like a weirdly off-putting show.

I have liked How I Met Your Mother for some time now. I think it is one of the wittier sitcoms on television right now (which is not saying much). It is now followed by this show called The Big Bang Theory about these two quantum physics-type nerds who live across the hall from a beautiful girl who is a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory. I have never heard so many big words in a sitcom. It probably will not last, but it has the best nerd humor I have heard on a television show in a long time. The two nerds have this friend who always speaks to the girl in a different language. At one point he speaks to her in Russian and when she does not respond, he asks her something to the effect of "What, haven't you ever been told you are beautiful in flawless Russian?" "No." "Well, get used to it." Funny. It is funny to me since I think of myself as a nerd, but I discovered something very important after watching this show. There is a wide spectrum of nerdiness. There are arts nerds, and science nerds, and Star Trek (or Lord of the Rings, etc.) nerds, and on and on. I would rather be an "arts" nerd than a "science" nerd any day. Wow, at least I do not play Klingon Boggle. You know, it's Boggle. . . but in Klingon. If you are interested, and God help you if you are, here is the online Klingon Language Institute.

Getting to Know Me

"And if children, then heirs, heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ, if so be that we suffer with him, that we may also be glorified together. For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." Romans 8:17-18

I have often said that this blog has been a catharsis for me in this time that I am relearning "me." I cannot say that I am completely thrilled with everything I have come to realize about myself as a result, but at least it is allowing me to verbalize some things and, in turn, deal with them.

After my stress-filled Thursday, I took a day off from life. I went to Destin (a little more than an hour away) and checked into the Wyndham Hotel there. Nice. And very quiet. I went to the Barnes and Noble since we do not have one in Panama City and I saw a choir member. I admit, I hid until they left. I just did not want to be "on" right then. I drove by a beautiful Greek Orthodox Church that was being built when I moved to Florida and is now completed. It reminded me of a smaller version of the one in Dallas I used to visit often. I had hoped for a grand revelation from God. I did not get that, but I did figure some things out.

1. I have been angry with God for a while now, at least since He started to make me miserable in Waxahachie. It is painful to write this, and I hate that it is true. But I have to be honest here. I loved what I was doing, even in spite of the turmoil that was such a part of my last few years there. It was exactly what I wanted for my life to be (pretty much) and I still feel like it was snatched away from me. I told colleagues that if it took my leaving to bring about change there, then so be it. I did not think I was part of the problem, really; I just understood that I would not be part of the solution. I made choices and I believe with all my heart that these were God's choices, but sometimes it is difficult to give up a dream that God gave you to do something else He wants you to do. I have also been angry because I do not feel like God has taken care of everything that my family needs in order to feel truly successful in this new endeavour, so it makes me question whether I am doing what I need to be doing. Our pastor made a comment a couple of weeks ago about finding new dreams, and it was a bitter pill to swallow, since I liked the old ones so much. I guess this is what dying to self is all about. I think I hate it. But writing it down makes me feel better and closer to God in a way that is hard for me to explain. It has been like finally He can talk to me about this issue, since I now understand it well enough to verbalize it.

2. I have been reminded that I have a large support group here. This has been nice. Everyone realizes that I am going through a dark night of the soul and are very conscientious of that fact. I am thankful for all of them. I know that even though I am a long way from my family, I have the best supporters that I have ever had in my life. True friends that stick closer than brothers.

3. I need to start exercising again. I realized that my downward spiral began about the time I stopped exercising due to getting too busy. So, I decided to go back on my Medifast for a week or two and will attempt to begin running again soon. I have only gained a couple of pounds, well 3.5, but I need to nip it while it is only a couple (and I have already lost 2 pounds since returning to the fast). FYI: I heard on Real Time with Bill Maher that exercise can alter your mood as much or more than prescription medication, so I am going to have to get back to it.

4. The biggest thing I realized is that I am doing too much without any down time. I had the tendency while I was teaching to get overextended, but this was in short bursts. If I taught a big overload, I knew that it would only be for a few months and then I would have a month off or the summer off. Now, I have gotten overextended and have no opportunity for repose. So, I am going to have to figure out a way to delegate some of my responsibilities so that I do not go mad and so that I can still be a part of my children's lives.

5. Best of all, I realized again that we are where we need to be and that I need to embrace the frustrations that I am experiencing right now. I know I am not the only one going through these things, I am not alone here, and trials are a way to make us better stewards of our relationships with God and those special people in our lives. In the midst of this struggle, I am made aware of all of the wonderful things that I have as a result of being here and doing what God asked me to do. New dreams coming to fruition. I am grateful for His continued grace and compassion, thankful that He does not leave me in the midst of my frustrations.

Now, pray for me. Although I have come to some good realizations, not all of the answers are within my control or my power to change. Many of them require a real miracle in order for there to be true resolution. I would love me some resolution. Miracles are good too.

So my question is: Is it okay to be upset with things God has asked of you? Is it possible to still love God and be upset with Him? I am still totally devoted to God and to His work in this world, and I have the faith that all will work out for our good. I just wish it would already.

Peace.