It has been over a month since I last blogged. May 2009 is the first month in a couple of years which has gone without comment from me here. I have been in a weird mood for the last several months that has made me not want to give my opinions on anything of validity in written form.
After my trip to Texas, I have been in a funk that I have not been able to get myself out of very easily. I do not think anything in particular is wrong, nor do I think I am ready for a move. I just think I am beginning to notice things around me that bother me more than I have let on. Part of the problem is that not everything I do fills my life with meaning. For most people, this would be a shake the dust off, get back on the horse, get over it moment. For me, it is a crisis because I need everything in my life to be filled with significance. I cannot merely go through the motions of my life, I need for each event to be filled with layer upon layer of meaning.
Some of this soul searching, I am sure, has to do with the normal letdown after Easter. But some of it has to do with those things that I feel make me who I am. My semester at the community college was not good. I absolutely hated my class and I dropped more than half of my voice students for absenteeism. I am finding more and more that my classes are filled with people who have no clue. They do not read. They are not even particularly well-versed in pop culture. If it is not on a reality program, they probably do not know anything about it. I have complained about this seeming lack of knowledge skills in younger folks these days at length before, but, for the first time, I began to question my ability to communicate with young adults. I have always felt like my ability to deal with college-aged people was one of my greatest gifts. I have consistently been able to find ways to speak into the lives of people who were on the cusp of becoming. But this ability seemed to evade me this semester.
Even worse, I began to doubt my interest in music. Always having to explain why I like the kind of music I like, why I spent my life learning about it, and why I feel the compulsion to perform and teach was wearing me out. I had not felt like that since I was much younger and less assured of myself. I was beginning to think maybe I would do something else in the years to come. I was starting to look at my upcoming coursework for ordination as a means to another, nonmusical end. I have never ever seriously considered the possibility of doing something other than music. True, there was a time when I was so unhappy in my old life that I thought about becoming a postal worker. I like mail. I got over it.
But here I was, thinking it might be nice to do something else, all because I was not receiving some kind of elusive validation that I needed. This is not to say that I do not receive validation here, because that is essentially untrue. I get a lot of validation from my church members and the members of the music ministry. For instance, I had a member of my choir mention to me a few weeks ago that they worried about what would happen after I left the church. I chuckled and told her that she did not need to worry about that. But she continued, indicating that she worried about it quite a bit. She mentioned some differences between me and the former music director and then she was on to another topic of conversation. Funny thing, this was the second conversation in as many days that basically has the same content. "You are not going to be here forever. What will happen then?"
I guess I should take this as a compliment (and I did). I just did not realize that people were already placing bets as to when I might leave the beautiful emerald coast. Granted, I have never thought of this sojourn as a forever deal, but I never realized it was obvious to those around me. Maybe this is because I live in a pretty transient part of the world. Many military folks come into Panama City and leave within a couple of years for other assignments, so no one is here forever unless they are here to retire. Or maybe it is what it is and I'll leave it at that. I will worry about times and seasons another day.
In other news~School is out finally for all our little angels. Madeline finished her preschool class without burning down the building. She is a bit moody and her teachers reminded me of this often. They just don't understand. Elizabeth got through Kindergarten in one piece. She told us that she would likely never see her teacher again, but her teacher goes to church with us, so she may have been premature in telling us this. Emma took her first FCat exam and made a perfect score on the math portion. She did not get this ability from her dad. She did not, however, make a relief map of the Holy Land which was my favorite part of third grade. I will have to plan to make one with her this summer.
Next week I begin my first two classes toward ordination. I decided to try to transfer in some courses and Asbury is allowing me 18 hours of credit, 6 hours of which will go fully toward the requirements for ordination. By the end of the year, I should be half way finished with my required courses. I just have to decide how much further I want to go after I finish those 30 hours or so. I may even be provisionally ordained by this time next year. Let's hope.
