Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

Well, this last weekend was eventful. Okay, so I had a wedding rehearsal Friday night and a wedding Saturday evening. That was pretty much normal for me. Sunday was miserable for several reasons that I will not go into on this blog, but suffice it to say it was a learning experience. Enough said.

But the weekend belonged to Emma Keaton, age 8. Friday afternoon Emma came in 2nd place in a cake decorating contest at her school. Her cake was in the shape of a baby blue Bay haven polo shirt. It was really cute. After my wedding rehearsal we went to see Emma's twirling recital with her "Majorettes" group. I still think it is funny that she is a twirler, but twirling is a big deal here so she is not mocked in the least. Well, she did well. She is probably one of the better twirlers on her squad, considering she does not really practice all that much. The big news of the night was that she was named "Little Miss Bay Haven Majorette Princess." This was the big all-around award for her age classification. She got a trophy, a sash and the all-important tiara.

Little did we know, but she was a winner elsewhere Friday night. I went to the Marina Civic Center earlier in the afternoon to view her art project for the annual art show. She was one of a few students per grade who were in the art show last year and we were really pleased with her "nomination." This year, they did a fund raiser and every child in school had an art project on display this time. I went to look for her painting, but it was not with her class. One of the art teachers goes to our church and helped me locate her piece and put it with the correct class. Well, long story short, she won 1st prize in her grade. We did not know that she won until Monday morning when they brought the paintings back to the school to distribute to the children. Needless to say, we were very proud of our little artist and "dancer." We took her out to Chili's tonight to celebrate her victories.

The only problem: Elizabeth does not quite understand why she cannot play with Emma's trophies. I am just waiting for Elizabeth to stash all of Emma's awards in the closet and pretend like nothing is wrong.

Thoughts on Calling

As most of you know, I have begun to process to be ordained as a deacon in full connection in the United Methodist Church. I think this is a wonderful opportunity to continue my ministry in the church in a more "official" capacity without having to pigeonhole myself into a preaching ministry in order to be ordained. As a first step in the process we were asked to read a short book on calling and ordination within the UMC called The Christian as Minister. I read through it a couple of weeks ago and was not impressed, but I knew I would eventually find some significant nuggets and maybe a reason behind the drudgery. I had borrowed an older copy of the book but decided to order a more recent edition for myself. I got it last week and started reading and it began to speak to me more the second time around. There were still things that really do not pertain to me, primarily because the beginning stages of the process are really pointed toward a younger person who is considering a life's calling, not someone who has had some time to come to terms with God's call (this is especially true of the "Candidacy Guidebook" I received in the mail this past weekend).

Anyway, we were "required" to read this little book and explain why we thought God wanted us to read this book. I think God wanted me to read it in order to be submissive to this process. Like many former Pentecostals, I find that much of this feels beneath me spiritually. I have considered these things since I was very young. If we learned one thing in the Assemblies of God, it was to consider vocational calling to ministry. Been there. Bought the t-shirt. But the truth is, servant leadership is not about feeling superior, it is about opening myself up to the grand realization that I do not have all the answers (have you read this blog?), never did, and once I am ordained I still won't. But hopefully, I will be a better servant.

Second, I think God wanted me to "hear" the following quotations on servant leadership and calling. Some of them are more specifically geared to the deacons orders, but most of them are about service in general. I hope they are significant to you.

"It is only by hearing, answering and participating in the divine calling that I can come to know who I am. We are not who we think we are; we are who God calls us to be." Gilbert Meilaender

Imagine, God calls us to be something different than who we think we are. I think we attempt to place our calling within a framework that fits us. What we fail to realize, is God wants to break the model and remake us in His image. I want to know who I am, and the only way to do this is to allow God to break my preconceptions about myself and what my ministry ought to be.

"'The great leader is seen as servant first.' The difference between servant-first and leader-first 'manifests itself in the care taken by the servant-first to make sure that other people's highest priority needs are being served. The best test is: do those served grow as persons; do they, while being served, become healthier, wiser, freer, more autonomous.'" Robert K. Greenleaf

I think this is a true test of what each of us does in ministry. Are the people in our care better off with us in their lives than without us? Do we effect enough change in their worlds? Or do we allow God to manifest Himself through us enough that He makes a difference through us in the lives we touch each day? If we are not replicating ourselves in the lives of our people, are we effective minister/servants?

"Everybody can be great, because everybody can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You don't have to know about Plato and Aristotle to serve. You don't have to know Einstein's 'Theory of Relativity' to serve. You don't have to know the Second Theory of Thermal Dynamics in Physics to serve. You only need a heart full of grace, a soul generated by love, and you can be that servant." Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

This is one of my favorites, because Dr. King makes being a servant sound like the greatest job in the world. What is sad is often, because of education or whatever reason, we tend to believe we are better than being a servant, when Christ Himself took on the garb of a servant. Just like Jesus told Peter, "If I do not wash your feet, then you have no part in me." I guess it is the greatest position that we can have. To be a servant is to be the least of these, and to be the last allowed to go first.

"The early church . . . set apart other persons to care for the physical needs of others, reflecting the concerns for the people of the world. In the New Testament (Acts 6), we see the apostles identifying and authorizing persons to a ministry of service."

"Within the people of God, some persons are called to the ministry of deacon. The word deacon . . . spring[s] from a common Greek root--diakonos, or 'servant,' and diakonia, or 'service.' Very early in its history the church . . . instituted an order of ordained ministers to personify or focus the servanthood to which all Christians are called. These people were named deacons. This ministry exemplifies and leads the Church in the servanthood every Christian is called to live both in the church and the world. The deacon embodies the interrelationship between worship in the gathered community and service to God in the world. " Book of Discipline of the United Methodist Church

I am looking forward to this journey with joy and hesitation, but I definitely believe it is the right thing. I see it as another step towards "home."

Failure to Love

This has been one of the most hectic I have had since before Easter. It seems like I have had something significant to do all day every day and every night as well. We had a dinner for new or prospective church members Monday night. I had my regular rehearsals Tuesday night. Wednesday is always full. Thursday evening, besides being Misty's birthday, the handbell choir played for our older adult monthly get-together. And tonight I have a wedding rehearsal and a twirling recital to attend. Tomorrow is the school spring carnival and I have a wedding tomorrow night. At least I am almost finished with my teaching for the semester. I just have to turn in final grades next week and I will be done for the Spring. This Sunday will be a less stressful one in some ways because our youth worship team will be leading at the 9:30 service and our older ladies choral group will be singing at the other services, so I will be able to just enjoy the services this Sunday. Granted, I will likely be more on edge this Sunday because I am not in control of everything that is going on. Sad.

I sang for a funeral on Tuesday afternoon for a man who died a sinner. The pastor didn't mince any words. It was short and compassionate, but truthful. I don't want to do that again anytime soon. It was a whole lot of misery.

I came to the stunning realization that my grandmother is old now. Granted, I knew she would turn 87 this May, but she has always seemed much younger than her age. Well, she fell through the bleachers at an athletic event this past week. She did not really do much damage to herself, but I guess she passed out.

I saw something stupid this week. We have these "exempt" train tracks that cross a street that I drive on most every day. They are exempt because they are impassable. There is so much overgrowth and I believe the tracks end only a few yards from the street. Every time a school bus passes theses tracks it stops. I know the law, but it is silly to stop at train tracks when there is no way possible for a train to be even in the vicinity of these useless tracks.

I don't know if you are familiar with Ayaan Hirsi Ali. She is a former Muslim who is a member of the Dutch Parliament and has had death threats from radical Islamists due to her anti-Islamic film about female circumcision. Last week I heard her say something to this effect: "Religion can be good. But one should never use religion to take away the rights of others." Her comments reminded me of something I read not too long ago and cannot remember where. It went something like this: "The church's greatest sin may be its failure to love." When we fail to love, we knowingly and unknowingly allow our rights to supersede the rights of others. When we fail to love, we miss out on opportunities to be Christ to our homes, our communities, our world. When we fail to love, we miss the entire point of the Gospel. "He who does not love, does not know God, for God is love." (I John 4:8)

I am still working this one out. I have had several opportunities thrust upon me this week to love the unlovable or to counsel with those who need a listening ear or to hold out hope that someone will surprise me by doing the right thing without being prodded to do so. So, on top of all the administrative things I did this week, I am exhausted from giving of myself in a more personal way. And, sadly, this has meant I have had less to give to my family this week. I hope to be able to balance this better in the coming weeks.

Days of Silence, Well, Sort Of

The past couple of days have been really quirky. Thursday morning I get the girls ready, drive to the church, get out of the car only to realize that one of them had gotten something all over my pants. So, I took them to their classes and did some prep work for Sunday and then decided to go home and change. It was about 10:45 when I got home and I thought, hey, I will run a little while, start a load of laundry and then have lunch and go back to the church. Well, the power went off almost immediately after I started the laundry and did not come back on for about two hours. Worst part of it, I could not get the car out of the garage because the power was off. Some of you may say, "You do know you can open the door without the garage door opener?" And I say, of course. But we had some trouble with the door last year and I was afraid that it would not work right again so I was stuck. Finally the power did come back on and I was able to get some of the things started that I wanted to do, but my day was spent in nothingness.

Thursday night I went with several of our church staff to visit with Chris Cook, a UMC Elder, who will serve as our mentor through the ordination process. I like her and I think things will go well. My only concern is that I do not take this process too fast. I am really motivated to finish this process as soon as possible and get on to the theological schooling part. I do not really want to take any courses, but I look at it as a means to get away for a while and have some time to myself from time to time. I read a book on Christian ministry for the next meeting in a couple of weeks and I have to write an essay on why I needed to read it and what God taught me through it. That will be interesting, since I did not get much from the first go round. I think my biggest problem is I have been involved in ministry for so long, these things that "new" ministers need to consider have long ago been considered. I had to take a test on ministry skills, likes and dislikes which is meant for someone who does not know if they want to be in ministry for sure or not. I keep hearing this "One size fits all" rationale to the early stages of this process, not that anyone thinks that is the best way, but it definitely is the way of the UMC. But I believe more than ever that this is the thing I should be doing at this point in my life.

This morning, we were awakened to Madeline's panicked cries. She was throwing up. It was just 3:00. I cannot tell you how tired I am from dealing with sick children all the time. It has become a weekly issue. She really is doing better in general, and since the dog has been out of our house, her allergies have been less severe. But, this week and the week before last she spent 2 mornings throwing up her guts. This time was worse. She does not want to eat or drink anything. I just hope she does not give it me if it is contagious. So, again, I am stuck in my house with little to do. Maybe God knew I needed a break and forced me to take one these last couple of days.

One other peculiar thing that happened to me this week~I have had two people accept my invitation to join Facebook and I do not know who they are. How has this happened?

In other news~

1. Is it just me, or has the national news media finally realized that poverty and hunger are staggering right now? I have seen a couple of news reports and read an article in the New York Times about hunger and the political ramifications of allowing food prices to skyrocket. I heard that food prices in general have risen 47% over the last year and I believe it. I have noticed lately that our grocery bills are extremely high and yet we are not buying near as much as we did last year or the year before. Even our faithful green friends who only buy organic products are having to reconsider these choices because the prices are going up so much. I worry about gasoline prices and what effect this is having on every other aspect of society, especially when I routinely pay close to or more than $3.50 a gallon. And I am tired of people asking the presidential candidates what they are going to do about gas prices. Really, what can they do?

2. Is anyone else amazed that the Pope met with sex abuse victims yesterday in Washington, D. C.? I was astonished that he has finally come to terms with the gravity of the situation and is willing to start a dialogue. I don't know if anything will come from it, but sometimes it is important for the victims to know that someone hears their cry for help and justice.

3. In other religious news~I am fascinated with this polygamist sect in Texas and the fate of their children. I want to go on record by saying these people are kooks, but it looks like, on the whole they love their children. I think it is horrible how they were taken away from them. I don't think what they are doing is right, but I don't think they are in a totally abusive situation either. Why couldn't they remove the girls who were pregnant and leave the rest until something more permanent could be decided? This has all happened the same week that the New York Times announced that Oklahoma has the worst record of abuse in any state foster care system. Too many children and not enough case workers or money to help foster parents, not to mention the random abuse and neglect and all the moving around. With as much trouble as the foster care system has in general, it makes me wonder why it was necessary to take these hundreds of children away from kooky, but nurturing mothers.

4. And finally, I have been watching this HBO miniseries on John Adams that ends this Sunday evening. It has been fascinating to watch because the creators have demystified the Founders in such a way as to make them real people. It is well-documented and entertaining and has set me on this trek to know what the Founders really believed about God and the creation of the USA. Part of this interest lies in trying to understand the tenets of my former life. In the evangelical world we talk about how all of the Founders were true believers in Christ and wanted to build a religious nation, the whole "one nation under God" thing. And, for the most part I always accepted this notion. It was heartwarming and made for some great 4th of July moments. But when I really began to read what they said some things began to clang as untrue.

For instance, back in 2002 Misty and Emma and I took a spur of the moment trip to D. C. and on the way we stopped at Monticello in Charlottesville, Virginia to see Thomas Jefferson's estate. We enjoyed it very much and as I like to do, I bought a copy of his version of the Gospels. Of course I knew what I would find, a book with all of the miraculous things taken out of it, leaving only the sayings of Jesus. I have heard some ministers talk ill of Jefferson, but they hold all of the others in such high esteem. But the truth is most of them were Deists or Unitarians who denied the divinity of Christ. Sure they believed in God, but their God was not really the God of the Bible. They were moral, effective, and vibrant leaders with keen minds into the psyche of their times, but they were not "Christians" in the liberal or evangelical sense. Even George Washington is in this camp. True, he did attend church, but he left before Communion was served most every time, which would indicate he was never confirmed as a member.

I guess I do not understand why we have to take things and propagandize them for our own benefit. This notion of "Take back the nation for God" concerns me and would have concerned the Founders. They understood the need to separate church and state (and I know this phrase is not in the Constitution, but it was their belief) not only to keep the church free from state interference (which is the side most evangelicals harp on) but to keep the state free of church interference as well. Now, I believe every Christian should vote and demand justice in the country and in the world and take action against evil, but when religion is too embroiled in politics, it becomes less and less about faith and more and more about believers' rights.

Part of my problem is I do not like basing even part of my faith on something that is empirically untrue. When I hear Christian educators and ministers talk about the Christianity of the Founders, it sounds more to me like they are trying to appeal to the Founders as a group that all Americans admire and, since they were Christians, then evangelicals are in the right because they are in the camp of the Founders. It sounds like a subtle way to enhance the profile of evangelicals as the closest in ideals to the Founders and I think this is completely untrue.

Here is a link to another blog I like that dealt with something very similar today.

Okay, rant over. Now I have to tend to my littlest angel.

Back from Never Never Land

So, our little family excursion to the Wonderful World of Disney started late Thursday morning. I went and picked up a prescription for Madeline and we were on our way. We had a good trip down south and stopped at Don Pablo's for dinner in Orlando. It was all I needed it to be. Enjoyable and Tex-Mex. After dinner we drove the rest of the way to our hotel. When I went in to register they had some trouble finding my name. I was a little concerned. They told me our room had been downgraded because all of the suites were booked. Now, I might mention that we purchased our room through Expedia, so that meant that we had already paid for the room before we ever got there. I was not thrilled, but they promised a 30% reimbursement for our trouble. That was fine. Only problem was we were put in a regular hotel room (nice enough) but it was right next to the interstate, so there was road noise all night. Let's just say, I bought some ear plugs for the next night's sleep.

Friday morning we made the decision to go to Disney's Animal Kingdom since we had never been there before (and we wrongly thought it might be a little less crowded than the Magic Kingdom on a Friday in early April). Can I tell you the place was packed? No, it was elbow to elbow most of the day and it did not start well. We got there early and went to "Camp Minnie Mickey." Well, there was nothing going on there at all and we had to wait for quite awhile for a Pocahontas show and then for the Festival of the Lion King. Both of the shows were well worth the wait. I can say that I was a little nervous and had Holy Land Experience flashbacks, but I was pleasantly surprised. There was definitely an environmentally friendly vibe throughout the park, with no plastic straws or lids and all the shows talked about conserving and poaching and all those mean things humans like to do to poor animals. There are not a lot of rides there, especially ones that are appropriate for little children, but we had a good time, saw a lot of animals on the safari (lions, elephants, hippos, and okapi or two, and many more), and had a good family adventure. All in all a good time was had by all.

Saturday we went to the World of Disney store at Downtown Disney and managed to leave without any major purchases. Thank You. Our trip home was uneventful for the most part and our house was still here when we returned.

Sunday was another one of those fun day without the predominance of my worship team at our 9:30 service. I am glad that Spring Break is over today. We had a special guest on the property today: a baby owl that sat up next to the window in our church lobby where everyone could see it as they entered the building. We expect mama owl to come claim the lost baby soon.

In other thoughts: I have been intrigued by this business with Oprah and her "church." Here is a link to a YouTube video about her beliefs and how they diverge from orthodox Christian beliefs. Most of them are things I have heard her say from time to time. Oddly enough, I think most people think Oprah is this great force for good (and she does some amazing things) and they equate this with being a Christian. Since she talks about God and spirituality we tend to think we know who she is talking about. But one thing struck me in particular. The folks who put this video together tended to lump the idea that God was bigger than any doctrines we might create with other more troublesome admissions, like the fact that Oprah does not believe Jesus is the only way. Seriously?

One of the greatest realizations I have had in my life is to finally come to terms with the idea of a God who is bigger than any denomination and more difficult to understand than any doctrinal statement. We try to compartmentalize God into a box we can understand, in terms that make us comfortable. But this is not who God really is, and the sooner we admit that we do not have Him figured out, the better we will be. This does not mean we cannot know Him, but it means we have to be honest with ourselves and admit that we cannot possibly have Him all figured out.

I also have a feeling there might be a hint of racism in the timing of this video, especially since they mention Barack Obama's presidential bid and Oprah's strong support for his campaign. Maybe I am reading too much into this, but I thought I heard: "Oprah is a New Age freak and she loves Obama, so what does this say about him?"


The pictures are from our trip. We stayed down the street from the big orange and we saw a skywriter writing I Love Jesus in the air above Kissimmee, Florida.

Random Acts of Offensiveness

Okay, so I drive by this church most every day. I was especially offended by the sign out front that read: "Wanted, the unwanted." I mean, wow! That makes me want to go to that church. "Hey, I'm unwanted! Can I play too?" I get what they are trying to say, but isn't this just another example of the church pretending to be interested in the lost?

In family news: Spring Break has been a little bit of horrible at the Keaton homestead. I mean, I have been able to run a couple more times than usual this week and I cleaned out my home office filing cabinet and I have actually read a couple of books, so somethings have been accomplished. BUT: My oldest daughter is not very nice to her middle sister. For the first couple of years, Emma deferred to Elizabeth in most everything. I remember telling Em not to let Liz bully her. Oh, how the times have changed. The constant shriek of Numero Dos when Uno has done something or said something to aggravate her. Well, I guess Elizabeth had enough Tuesday evening and she kicked her older sister in the mouth. I was made aware of this by the shriek of the oldest Keaton child as she ran into the living room holding her mouth. Well, let's just say Liz was a dead-on shot and drew blood. Emma had a loose tooth that was much looser by the time the scuffle was over. Not to say that it was much of a scuffle, since Liz kicked and ran. It was hard not to laugh because I believed Emma probably deserved it. We tried to explain that it was never appropriate to kick someone in the face even if they deserved it. I hoped that Emma had learned her lesson, but tonight at church she kept telling the story over and over again of how Elizabeth had kicked her "on purpose" and I thought Miss Liz was about to come across the table to give her another go. And what of poor little Madeline? When we put the big girls to bed, she scolded them awhile as well.

Madeline finally had an allergy test this week. So we hope to know what all of her allergy triggers are very soon. I am hopeful that she is truly allergic to dogs so I do not have to feel bad about getting rid of our dearest family pet. I feel absolutely wonderful that the dog is gone and the carpet is the cleanest it has been since we put it down a year ago. I no longer smell dog anywhere. I could not be happier about this turn of events.

We head to the land of dreams tomorrow. Maybe I will buy myself some Mickey ears and look like those overweight schmucks who buy them and think they are really cool. You know, if I put on felt mouse ears, I will look cooler to my children. Who's fooling who? If possible, they look stupider than usual and that is hard to accomplish when you have nothing to work with. I am just trying to decide which set of designer flip flops to take. Seriously.

[A Short Sidebar: My wife and I are not afraid to look dumb to our children. Since we are both highly educated folks, we do not worry that they may eventually consider us morons. We know better. We have already decided to French kiss on the porch when they bring dates home or wear "vintage" clothing to their PTA meetings. Remember, we are the people who are already telling our children they better get along because one day we will be dead and then they will only have each other. They are 8, almost 5 and 2 years old respectively.]

I had a nostalgic moment this week and ordered some Guarana Antarctica, the favorite soda of Brazil. I loved it when I travelled to Brazil and have had it only a couple of times since my trip back in 2002. I got the package in the mail today and immediately opened it to have a swig. Sadly, the bottle I opened was flat. Slightly devastated by this great debacle, I trust that the cans I purchased will make up for this sad turn of events.

And finally, my parents have purchased a second home in Okmulgee, Oklahoma. They plan to retire there eventually. I think it will be nice for them to be closer to family. I am glad to hear that it is a big house since they will need enough space to keep my children in the summers when I cannot stand to look at them anymore. If this Spring Break is any indication, I may need to ship them off sooner rather than later.

Nothing New Under the Sun

Well, the last several days have been a bit boring. Thursday morning, I had to sing for a "big" funeral of a local educator. My oldest daughter went to the elementary school named after him to finish up Kindergarten after we moved to Florida. There really were not that many people in attendance at the service and it made several people ask whether or not it is realistic to expect that droves of people would come out for a 96-year-old's funeral, no matter how famous or important he had been in the community at one time. I believe when someone lives that long, they outlive their fame and pretty much everyone they ever knew. All in all, it was a nice service. One of our local new anchors came and sang. She is quite the pageant type and sings all those old Sandi Patty hymn arrangements that change keys seventeen times. Fun. She is really nice and it was good to get to know her a little better.

Friday, I spent most of the day at the community college as normal. We had the longest recital on record that day with like 17 selections. Ho hum. I had a few of my students on the program and they did okay. Nothing spectacular though. Although, there was this one young woman who sang a musical theater song which included the word "nipples." I do not think I have ever heard a song with that word in it. It was a big hit with the college crowd. I am starting to notice that some of my students that I thought may in fact be hopeless are coming around. I am trying to be patient with them and not spill my guts that I think they stink musically and have no chance on this or any other earth of being successful in the field of music. Oh well, it is the life of a community college adjunct professor.

Friday night it started to rain and it really did not stop until Sunday. So, no fun for us on Saturday. No return to the miniature golf course or anything else for that matter. I read mostly. I picked up this book called Darkly Dreaming Dexter about a lovable serial killer. I had watched the television show based on the book and decided to read it. I like the TV show better because the characters are much rounder than in the book. Oh well, it was worth the read.

Sunday was one of the same old same with one major exception--I was almost alone at our 9:30 service because most of my worship team was out or sick. This is never fun and I am afraid I will have a repeat performance next week because this week is finally Spring Break here in Bay County. I am looking forward to not having to teach any of my voice students this week and not having to take my children to preschool. Mommy is home all week. We are planning a little excursion to the World of Walt this Friday. We still have a day left on our tickets from October so we need to go or we will lose it. We are planning to go early enough and have some real Mexican food for a change.

One last bit of news: I started working with the children's music program tonight. That was interesting. I do not consider myself a kid person, though I have three children who live with me. But it went well. There were not that many tonight because of Spring Break, but they paid attention and were interactive in a good way. We sang fun songs and everyone seemed to have a good time. I think this will be a good experience for me. Since I have never done any children's ministry whatsoever (with the exception of the occasional Vacation Bible School) it will be a good opportunity to learn to communicate better with the littlest treasures of the church. I just hope I don't have to bury any treasure before I'm done.

Another Dose of Servanthood

Okay, so I have had this thought rolling around in my mind for the last week or so:

"If you do things so no one will notice, how selfish is it to be disappointed when no one does?"

In other words, if you do acts of service or whatever in your ministry as a believer or in your vocation, and no one knows about them, should you be upset that no one knows they have been done? I like a little praise just like anybody else, but most of the time I want to do my job without a lot of hoopla. I have had enough accolades in my life that I do not need them to define me like I did when I was a child. I mean, I had a wall of trophies and ribbons and plaques. I have since thrown them all away because they were meaningless to me after high school.

But back to the present. I had this grand resentful moment last Thursday while reading a story from the old life about some wonderful thing that someone had done. Only thing was that I had done these things ten years ago, just no one really "significant" knew about them. I was a little offended because I know there were a few who knew what I had done and appreciated it, but soon I thought: "Why do you seek the praise of a world you no longer inhabit?" And: "What does it matter who knows what you do, if it is truly service to God?" And more personally: "Why did it bother me that someone else was receiving praise for something I too had done? Since I sought absolutely nothing in the way of commendation at the time, why did it bother me now that I never got it?" Was it just the fact that someone else eventually did? I guess "martyrs" can be a little petty at times.

So I posit this question: "How much tooting of one's own horn is necessary?" Or is this something completely foreign to the Christ-centered life? And why is it that we feel that we have to make sure people know what we are doing? Is it because we are a society based on action, and if we do all our service in secret we appear to be inactive and ineffective? I guess it goes back to my favorite quote: "You know you are a servant when you are treated like one and it does not bother you."

What's A Worshiper To Do?

Well, this has been a week of big changes.

First, our time as dog owners has come to an end. In an attempt to remove as many possible allergens from our environment, Winston was the first casualty. We gave him to a young teacher Misty works with who lives a couple of miles from us. I think it is for the best. I would have liked to recoup out initial investment, but I am more relieved than anything else to not have a dog to worry about. Our lives are stressful enough without the added pressure to take care of an animal. This has been a process that has taken much longer than I had hoped. I guess it is all about timing. But tonight, my house seems quieter and less stress filled than it did the day before.

Of course, Wednesday was my 36th birthday. It was fine. The build-up to my birthday is always worse than the day itself. I took my older ladies choir out on their first field trip of the season. I am no longer directing them myself, but I still take them out to the nursing homes and represent the church. They are a fun bunch and very generous. They gave me a nice gift card. It was probably the kindest present I got that day. Another "friend" gave me a cane and some adult diapers, as well as some Centrum Silver and, of all things, a doo rag. This was all presented during our weekly Fellowship Supper. I had to explain to people that I was not 40, though these gifts apparently gave off the essence of 40.

I had a big Daddy weekend Friday and Saturday. Misty went to Jacksonville for a Beth Moore conference and left me with the three little angels. We took our weekly trip to Target Friday night and bought toys with gift cards sent by Aunt Shannon for Easter. We bought caramel popcorn and watched "Enchanted." You have to love a Disney princess. Then, Saturday morning I drove the girls to Panama City Beach and we went miniature golfing. Okay, Emma did fine. But Elizabeth, in the midst of meltdown after meltdown, got two legitimate holes-in-one. No joke. She could never seem to remember how to hold the club. I would have to take it from her and say, "Hold it like an ice cream cone." She did not get the hang of it, but still managed a feat her older sister could not match, much to Emma's chagrin. Madeline was just along for the ride. She would drop her ball in if she felt like it, or she would want to go again and again. She was a little difficult, but I think she enjoyed herself. I survived, but was exhausted. I have finally started back into my running regimen and had been up early, before the girls woke up, running on the treadmill. And then I got the brave idea to take them out golfing on my own. All in all the Daddy weekend went well, only a couple of meltdowns. I find that Elizabeth has more of my lesser traits, the impatience in particular, that absolutely drive me crazy. I love her, but I am not looking forward to the teen years with her. I guess we will leave that one up to the Lord.

In other thoughts:

I have been thinking a lot about what church is, what it should be, and what it can never be. I have a friend who blogged recently about how back in the 1980s many thought that the problem of relevance in the church could be solved by adding "contemporary" music. The discussion went something like churches who did not sign onto the new music signed their death warrants, but those churches that made the transition are finding that modern music came up short as well. While I agree that music is not the answer, I wonder if we are asking the right questions. I have long felt that a church's style of music was irrelevant to its spiritual effectiveness. Though I do not care for southern gospel music, I am sure that there are churches, large churches at that, which make use of this style of music and continue to grow because, at the center of the church is their love for Christ and their desire to be effective witnesses for Him in this world. Again, it is not about the music or the style format, it is about the church's ability to foster relationships with Christ within the members of the body and coming together as equally called disciples to realize change in the world.

I guess the real question for me is what is the point of church? And by "church" I mean the place we attend on Sundays and Wednesdays. I really do not think the church was meant to be a clearing house for salvation. What I mean is the church, if it is living out its Christ-given commission, should be adding to its numbers by personal evangelism, rather than by some great culturally-relevant musical offering or wonderful culturally-intuitive sermon. In other words, I don't think the church was meant to be a place where we invite sinners to come and let the wonderful words of the pastor exhort them to salvation. I think that believers are supposed to lead people to Christ before they ever set foot in a church. The way I view the early church was not a place where non-believers congregated, but believers. So, to make church about believers is really not a wild thing, or even an irrelevant thing; it is realistic, because the church was meant to be populated by believers and cater to the needs of the faithful. The problem lies in the fact that the church as a body of believers never enters the world. I see the apostles going where the sinners were. I wonder how many of us are following that example.

Now, with that said, the issue of relevance is not without gravity, especially when we consider the youth of the church. As my friend pointedly suggested, a church without youth is only a few years from oblivion. So how do we make the church a place that is hospitable to younger folks without making it unbearable for older folks? The symbols and heritage of the church are things that are worth preserving, but there is a fine line between preserving and worshipping the symbols or the music or whatever. Seeking new and "relevant" ways to worship are also significant and cannot be overlooked (I am always looking for new music or new visuals to aid in worship), but we also have to avoid seeking out the innovative for the sake of innovation.

This issue of "new" music has been a sore spot to me lately for some more personal reasons. We have this young man who is helping us with our youth worship team. I really like him and he is very talented, but sometimes he says things without knowing how they will be received. He was looking through some of the music that I use for our "contemporary" service and commented on how old it was. I laughed and said some little something about it, but it bothered me a little. So, I started looking at what we were doing over the last several weeks and most of it was what I would consider fairly new. With the exception of one song, the oldest song we used in our worship services over the last three weeks was published in 2003 (and many of them were only a year or two old). I am not one to worry about being on the cutting edge, but I am wondering if it makes me really old to think that 2003 is still pretty current.

And another thing: As much as I realize that our worship music has its limitations, I still want the people to engage in the worship time. Even though there is a part of me that thinks our God is imminent, as close as your next breath, "happy clappy" music is utterly ridiculous, especially when one considers the transcendence of God, the Creator and Sustainer of the universe; I still want my congregation to actively engage in adoration of this King. I want our young and old to enjoy being with each other in the presence of God. And when this does not seem to be happening, I wonder why we are there. It really makes me wonder whether or not we are coming from this worship thing from a completely false perspective. I wonder if we have tried for so long to give the people what they want in worship that we have failed to see what God would want (and that could be completely different for each congregation, not necessarily the pre-packaged "Songs for Worship" love track) and thereby disastrously missed the point altogether.

What's a worshiper to do?

Happy Easter Monday

Today is one of those days I dread and love all at the same time. I am glad to have a day off after the craziness of Holy Week, but there is always that emotional let down after the big event. I think this past week went very well and the people who came to our services received something spiritually moving. Our Good Friday service, that worried me to no end, turned out very nice and was likely the best service we have done since I have been at FUMC Panama City. Sadly, there was not a large group to witness this service. Over the past two years, we have done a big choir presentation for Good Friday and the place was packed. Part of me is pleased to know that when our choir presents something, the congregation knows it will be worth attending. The other part of me is mortified by the possibility that some of us only come when we know what we are getting into, culturally or spiritually or otherwise.

Easter Sunday is always nice with the exception of having to be up at the crack of black to get ready for the sunrise service. And we usually see the sunrise or at least the effects of the sun's rising. I had the great joy of having some assistance this year, more than ever before. Our youth pastor, Carl and one of our sound techs, Jonathan, gathered all of the equipment for me so I did not have to worry about it. And, even more amazing, when I reached the park at about 4:50 or so, they were already there setting up. Amazing.

So, after a week of eleven services, I am glad that Holy Week is over for this year and will not be so early again for a while. I have already begun to plan out Christmas and July 4th and I have an idea about next Easter too. So, no rest for the wicked.

One last thought: I read a little more in the book of Mother Teresa's letters and, in her discussion of her calling to start her new mission, she was impressed by the words of Jesus on the cross: "I thirst." She believed that God was telling her that he thirsts for people to be in relationship with him. While instructing her sisters, she would explain:

"I thirst," Jesus said on the cross when Jesus was deprived of every consolation, dying in absolute Poverty, left alone, despised and broken in body and soul. He spoke of His thirst--not for water--but for love, for sacrifice.

Jesus is God: therefore, His love, His thirst is infinite. Our aim is to quench this infinite thirst of a God made man. Just like the adoring angels in Heaven ceaselessly sing the praises of God, so the Sisters, using the four vows of Absolute Poverty, Chastity, Obedience and Charity towards the poor ceaselessly quench the thirsting God by their love and of the love of the souls they bring to Him.

Imagine what it would take from all of us to quench the infinite thirst of a God made man. Where do we begin?

PS: Here is a picture of my pretties on Easter Sunday morning out in front of the church. There were so many Easter lilies, I thought I would die. But, amazingly, I did not suffer any cruel effects. God must have given me a little favor after all.

Allow Myself to Introduce . . . Myself

Clearly, as I have not published much this month, I have had little to say. I usually look forward to March since my birthday is this month, but since Easter is so early this year, everything seems to be focused on the festivities surrounding Holy Week and rightly so. These weeks on either side of Easter are really full and so I will not really be taking any time to celebrate my birthday. And, I am becoming more and more agitated by the thought that my age is now unquestionably roundable up to the big 4 - 0. Honestly, I don't feel old. As old as I felt when I was younger and had to pretend to be older and mature, I thought by this time I would feel decrepit. I guess it depends on your perspective.

I also realized that this year marks 18 years since I graduated from high school. So, I have lived as long as it took to graduate from high school again. And, it is amazing to me to think about where I thought my life would lead at the point I left Oklahoma City for the first time, afraid of leaving home and what I had always known to venture into a very safe arena in Waxahachie. Now, looking back at where life has led me in this second 18 years of life is at times startling and at other times completely natural in its evolution. I think this is my greatest struggle with life, how un-unsettling it can be when you look at it over a period of time. Or, more precisely, how unsettling it is that it is not unsettling when you try to look at it from God's perspective. In the end, the big deals of life are almost inconsequential. We spend our evangelical youth looking for the prize known as God's will, only to find that we can only know the answer to that question from day to day. Seldom do we have the calm of knowing more than 24 hours in advance where we will go. I am beginning to take pleasure in not knowing. This, my friends, is a miracle in and of itself.

Last week I started on my journey to ordination as a deacon in the United Methodist Church. As I have said before, I look forward to this process with equal parts joy and loathing. I want to go forward in this endeavour, but I realize it will nail the coffin shut on my old life. And, as I have said many times, although I am glad to be on a new path, sometimes I miss the comfort of the old one. It is the same story, wishing there was even a possibility to bore a hole in a door that God has shut (and shut long before I gave voice to it). It will be good for me to identify myself in this new way. It will give me some additional grounding that I think I need right now and allow me to feel a sense of home within my new fellowship. I really feel the need to complete the severing process that I began in 2002 and by doing so, can go ahead and shut the door on the past for good.

In other news~Our little Madeline is not doing all that well. Her allergy-induced asthma has really been bad these last several weeks. She coughs all the time. In the next few weeks we will likely have her tested for allergens/triggers now that she is old enough to do this. We hope this will help some in treating her.

Misty and I are going on a date tonight for the first time in God only remembers when. Some kind members of our church gave us tickets to the opera for this evening. I am thankful for them, but I wish the opera were next week. I hope to get through it. And, part of me hopes it is really bad because I enjoy bad singing almost as much as I enjoy good singing (and you never know with travelling companies). At least it is Madame Butterfly and Puccini is always good for a nice self-inflicted death scene.

Real Men

Well, these last several days have been pretty quiet. Not much to report. I am freaking out that Easter is now less than two weeks away. I will be glad when it is over, so I can plan some things for Independence Day and Christmas. Tomorrow I will meet with our district superintendent to officially begin the process to be ordained as a deacon. I am looking forward to it with joy and dread all at the same time. I would like it better if they would just tell me I'm in, rather than going through this whole long process~more graduate schooling, psychological exams, etc.

I had one of those crazier than crazy Sundays. We had a funeral and a wedding at the church this week, so that meant I was going to have to set up all of the instruments for the contemporary service and the handbell choir was going to play at both traditional services, so that meant an extra 45 minutes to my already hectic morning. And, it was daylight savings day on top of it. So, I get to church at what just the day before was 4:58 a. m. to find that the bells and all their accoutrements were not where they were supposed to be. So, with the help of our chief custodian, I had to move all of them and do all the rest of the stuff I needed to do. Let's just say I was almost fetal until the custodian came in the door. Granted, it was just two minutes after I got there. Anyway, things went well in spite of the trauma.

I leave you with this video of a Baptist preacher discussing what it is to be a real man, Biblical style. You know how much I enjoy a sermon which completely takes the Scriptures out of context. Discuss amongst yourselves.

Longest Weekend Ever

Okay, so this has to have been the longest weekend ever. You know, it started with the Friday night funeral. I could not sleep at all Friday night, so I sat up and watched stupidness on television. I slept late Saturday morning and then we went and looked for a new kitchen table. We have been planning to buy one for years and never have. So, finally, we bought a round table with five chairs. Then Saturday evening I had the first of two concerts with the Pro Arte Chorale. The performance went fine and I enjoyed getting to sing some new music. Only a couple of spots were a little weak. But there was one section where I think I was the only one singing. I wanted to stop and ask where everyone else was. I refrained.

Sunday is always long, with three services as usual. Immediately after church, I changed into my tuxedo and drove to Santa Rosa Beach for the second concert. I was listening to the Faure' Requiem really loud and did not hear my telephone buzz. When I was done listening, I discovered I had received two calls, one from one of my church choir members (who is also in the Chorale) and the other from the director of the Chorale. As it turned out, one of the members of a small ensemble (SSAATB) had become ill since the last performance and they wanted me to substitute for the tenor. Again, all of this music was new to me. So, with about 30 minutes of practice, I sang four songs with this little ensemble, three madrigals and a Renaissance song in German. Funner than fun.

I have never thought of myself as an exceptional sightreader, but I guess I am better than I thought I was. So, for a week when I was being extra hard on myself, I guess God gave me a moment of clarity that helped me realize that I am giving enough of myself to what I do. And, I am continuing to work on my issues with spontaneity and being willing to just go for it. I usually do not have a problem being spontaneous on my own, I just don't love it when it is thrust upon me. Oh well, it is a work in progress.

So, after the concert, I drove back to church so that I could make an appearance, hear the student praise band, and have dinner with the family. This concludes my 13-hour work day. So much for no work on the sabbath.

Leap Day Postings Don't Come Around Every Year

Well, it is February 29, 2008. Nothing really interesting to comment on or report other than Leap Day. I spent most of the day teaching voice lessons and giving advice to college students. And I had another funeral. You know, if you change the letters of funeral around you get "real fun." This one was at 6 pm! I have never in my life been to a funeral at night. The family was very nice and grateful for my time. I just told them it was what we do. I had to miss a fish fry at Emma's school, but life goes on.

This weekend I will be singing with a semi-professional choral group in Panama City (Saturday) and in Santa Rosa Beach (Sunday afternoon). I got guilted into it by the director and several of my choir members who are in the other group. I will have a brief rehearsal with them Friday evening and then basically sight read Faure's Requiem and some other choral works. So it looks like a longer than average weekend for me. Fun.

As for other news~ Nothing earth shattering to report. Happy leap day!

Politics of Hope

When did it become unAmerican to be idealistic? When did it become unpatriotic to hope for something better than the way things have always been?

I have not been an avid Obama fan and I wonder about the substance behind some of his idealistic speeches, but I have to wonder why it is that so many attack him on the one thing that he is bringing to a new generation of American voters--hope. I mean, each of the other candidates has raked him over the coals because he is hopeful about changing America. Senator Clinton spoke about how Obama expects angelic choirs to begin to sing and everything will be new again for America. Now, I understand that she is trying to make a distinction between herself and Obama, when there are relatively few differences between their stances on any issue, but I think it is sad when a leader with hope for the future is seen as less than capable of leading because of his hope. True, there are a lot of things that need work--a lot of work, but sometimes people need a little hope in order to face the problems that lie at the door. I think it may be time to be hopeful again.

A couple of Sundays ago we were talking about D. L. Moody and a young minister he met in England while on a preaching crusade. He encouraged the young man to visit him in Chicago, thinking he would never come. Shortly after returning, Moody got word that the young minister was coming for a visit and wanted to preach. Moody, who was going to be out of town during his visit, did not know what to do except allow him to preach once. After returning home, Moody asked his wife what she thought of the young man. She told Moody that the young minister was better than Moody himself. He preached on John 3:16 and focused on God's love rather than the peoples' sinfulness. By the time Moody returned, the young man had been packing in the crowds every night for almost a week never preaching on another text but John 3:16. Moody was alarmed and wanted to put a stop to it, but his wife reminded him that we all know how bad things are. Sometimes we need to be reminded of how good God is and how much He loves us.

I may get grouchy with myself a lot and expect more from myself than from anyone else, but I really want to believe in hope--hope in God, hope for the world, and hope for our nation's place in the world.

"Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow, blessings all mine with ten thousand beside."

I Wish We'd All Been Ready

Sad to say, Larry Norman died on Sunday morning. He had been ill for many years. Larry was, of course, the grandaddy of the contemporary Christian music movement (for good or bad). I used to talk about him quite a bit in my history of church music course at the college. His music was such an integral part of the Jesus movement and so encapsulated his era. He was influential in the lives of other significant musicians of the time including Randy Stonehill and Keith Green. I wish that Christian music had been able to stay free from the commercialism that has overtaken it and remained true to Larry's vision of what modern music with a Christian message could be. He definitely was not a perfect vessel, but he asked the important questions and tried to find answers for his day. And 36 years since "Only Visiting This Planet" was first released, it is still a work to be reckoned with.

Running on Empty (a. k. a. Going Through the Motions)

This last week has been a blur. Thankfully, due to some events in the community that many of my choir members were involved in, several of my regular rehearsals had to be cancelled. It gave me some time off which was nice, but it ended up being put to other uses. Madeline was sick most of the week. We took her to the doctor four times in eight days. Thursday, the doctor wanted to send her to the hospital because her cough was so bad. She asked me how long it had been like that and I told her a week. It was like that when we brought her in the first time. Frustration. I could not imagine taking my two-year-old to the hospital. Fun. She is getting better. In the midst of these trips to the doctor it decided to rain here and never stop. We had a nice little flood on Thursday, so much so that the schools were closed on Friday. So, we had everyone at home, Maddie and mommy sick, and me still trying to get over my illness from the last two weeks. Stressful. Friday was also my father's 60th birthday. Saturday was a wasted day at home, except for our family outing to Sam's. At least church went well today. No coughing my lungs up during services this time around.

I have been thinking a lot about emptiness lately, spiritual or otherwise. This is likely something I should not discuss here, but here goes. I have long worried that very little truly brings me pleasure. Since "music" is my chosen profession, I think most people think it delights me to sing all day long and to listen to music all the time. The truth is, music is a job to me and I get tired of it easily. Granted, I would rather work in music than be a plumber, but I find myself going through the motions because it is what is expected of me. This does not mean that I do not find any joy in it, sometimes, I even find great joy. But I look at people like my father who do music only as an avocation, who seem to derive such great pleasure from it, that it makes me a little sad that I do not get to experience it in the same way.

But there is always this thought in the back of my mind that I am not giving all of myself to anything. I have deliberately chosen a profession that does not require me to think very much. I am creative within a certain frame of reference and never beyond that. I have chosen to be in places where I can be considered forward thinking without having to commit to seeing that completely through. The truth is the college where I gave ten years of my life was not exactly cutting edge (but, to be fair, academic music does not pride itself on being up to date anywhere, especially considering academia's penchant for musical museum pieces). And no church is totally interested in giving up the framework that bestows upon it self-identity as a church (why would we try anything else when we have always done it this way?).

Sometimes it is easier to be a visionary than to be a pioneer. I don't know if this is a bigger indictment on me or on the community that created me.

Some would tell me that it is better to be a visionary even if the vision is never realized. But I am beginning to wonder if the path of unrealized vision is actually a path to insanity. I have been told that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Well, what happens when you expect no results? When we expect little or no results, we are not devastated by the lack of change. I am coming to believe that God gives us vision(s) in order to see them fulfilled, and when they go unrealized they become fodder for the Enemy to use against us. And then comes the question: Would it be better to be mediocre, to live without vision than to see the dream go unfulfilled? To never know beyond the surface or never look beyond the next hill? I think it would be worse to have known these things and then to lose them, but I wonder what it is like for those who never know them? Is life somehow easier when you don't have to think about every action or motive?

Funny thing is that, on the whole, I am as happy as ever right where I am. I just wonder if I will ever be happy to just be happy. I spend far too much time inside my own mind and this is likely not the healthiest thing for me. But I know nothing else, and sometimes the Devil you know is better than the Devil you do not know. And, I am on such good terms with my own personal devil that to lose him--I wonder if I would lose myself. And maybe that is the point right there--fear of losing self when that is the one thing that Jesus calls us to do.

Sometimes I hate this blog.

RE: Publicans

How difficult is it for someone who is an encultured evangelical Christian from birth to truly feel a part of this world? I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Evangelicals are taught from the earliest stages of life to come out and be separate from the world. "Don't even do anything that the world might consider fun." How then do we enter a world that we have never really been a part of? For all the talk of the emergent/missional church, and all the literature that is written directed toward making the church more accessible to nonchurched individuals, how does someone like me inact these things in my own life and in the church? No matter how much I try to lose the stereotypical "Christian" look, I still come across as a minister to most people. My only saving grace on this front is that I have this gift that makes people tell me everything about them. It is a real conversation starter.

We talked about Pharisees in church on Sunday because we were looking at John 3. Nicodemus was a Pharisee who came to Jesus by night and you know the rest of the story. I was thinking the whole time: "If Jesus came to us today and told us to do things a different way, we would probably look at him the way Nicodemus looked at Jesus back then. The "are you kidding me? We have always done things this way" mentality.

I find myself in this camp often and I hate to admit it. As much as I talk about change, I loathe it just as much. I am constantly in search of calm, but I rarely get to hold onto it for long. Although, right now, for the first time in some time, I feel an odd sense of settledness. I guess I am really a Pharisee when it comes right down to it. I want Jesus to work within my own religious framework. It seems to work for me. Why can't it work for Jesus?

I am reminded of the parable in Luke 18 about the publican and the Pharisee. I like the word "publican." It sounds so much better than just a "sinner" or tax collector. What was his story? His prayer? "Have mercy on me, a sinner." The Pharisee was just thankful he was not like the publican and started to count the ways they were different. And these areas were all good, religious things that we should do. But whose prayer was heard? Jesus said the publican went home justified before God. "For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted." Isn't this the crux of Jesus' teaching? He came to raise up those who had no voice and to call into question those who think they have it right. What does this mean for those of us in vocational ministry?
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In other news: No significant news to report on the home front. We continue to battle the allergens. I am fine until I get up to sing and then I cannot stop the coughing. I am hopeful that I will be better soon since I refuse to go to the doctor. I have been asked to sing in one of the semi-professional chorales. I want to help out, but my illness is keeping me from committing fully. Today is one of those days that I hate--a holiday without presents and no mail on top of that. I hate not getting the mail. I may have to go buy a magazine and put it in the mailbox. I worry myself sometimes.

Peace

Sick of Being Sick

Well, it started almost two weeks ago when Emma had to stay home from school because she was sick. Then Madeline got sick (a little). And since Wednesday I have been coughing my head off and wishing my head would go back to normal. Living in northwest Florida, there is no off season for allergies, so I end up with a sinus infection about every other month. Upper respiratory issues are a major problem for someone in my business. A parishioner, who happens to do the weather for one of our local television stations, asked me last month what happens when I get sick. He had been sick several days in January and could hardly talk, so it was a timely conversation. I told him I just have to muddle through. I hate being gone on a Sunday, so I did my best today. Though, after coughing throughout the entire middle service, I really wanted to say "Hey people, get me some water. Can't you see I am about to start coughing up blood?" Maybe I just covered it so well that they did not notice. Fat chance. I came home, had lunch, and slept for four hours. I am sick of being sick.

Saturday I spent the day judging district solo and ensemble contest in Panama City Beach. For my first couple of years here, no one in the musical establishment of Bay County gave me the time of day. A lot of it has to do with having no one in the area who knows you are not a crackpot. Well, now it seems I have become the beau at the ball and people are raving about my vocal coaching and what I have done with my choir and now I am being invited to sing or judge or whatever all over. It is nice. And even though I do not feel the need to be stroked very much, it does feel better that people are getting to know and appreciate what I have to offer. I have also become acutely aware of how high school students react to me and my sense of humor. It is wild. It is like I have this instant rapport with them. So, if the world came to an end and I had to teach in a high school, I believe, for the first time, this would not be horrible. Let's hope this does not happen any time soon.

I remember when I moved to Texas from Oklahoma and how difficult it was to start over again. A well-respected youth minister in the Oklahoma City area gave me some wise counsel that I did not follow. In many ways, I was hot stuff in the area Assemblies of God, even as a young person. And he told me that it would be better for me to stay in the area, go to school there, and remain working in churches there because I had built a big platform for ministry there already. Everyone knew me. I liked that, but I still moved away because I thought it was the right thing.

However, right is not usually the easiest avenue to walk down. After a year of being in Texas, I was ready to move "home." Starting over is the worst for someone like me because I hate having to prove myself again and again. What was nice about that move was that I ended up taking the job teaching at Southwestern and that came with an automatic, built-in platform.

Several years ago when I began to wonder if I would spend the rest of my life in the fellowship of youth, I started talking to a lot of different Christian leaders. One such individual was this man from Florida who was part of a group called the Charismatic Orthodox Church. He was the leader of this new church and one of the most intuitive people I have ever spoken to. He talked about the importance of a platform for ministry, that if you do not have one, no one will hear your voice even if you have a direct line to God. He told me it would be better to stay within the place that I was because I had a platform for affecting change in more lives where I was.

I wonder what significance there is in not listening to the greater part of wisdom and leaving good enough (or bad enough) alone? I have often spoken of change as the greatest constant in life. We hear so much about change these days with the Obama and Clinton campaigns. I hear ministers talk about change, as long as it is not only change for change's sake. So change is on everbody's mind. Clearly, since I moved I have had to reestablish a reputation and relationship to a new community each time. And, though I do not care for this process, it always seems to come.

I guess what I am getting at is, God raises us up for whatever task He requires of us and gives us the platform we need to see His will accomplished. I am glad to be in a place of acceptance in the church and in my community and I look forward to this new season and where this may lead. So, two years in and I feel more at home than I thought I might when I left the comfort of the world I had always known and a well-built platform for ministry. I am thankful that He begins a good work in us and is faithful to complete it, whether or not it is where or when or how we might have dreamed it would turn out.

Learning to Lie

"One of the benefits of working at a church is that you learn to lie well." Anonymous

Today marks the second anniversary of my move to Florida and my change of life direction. A times it is still hard for me to believe that this happened; however, it has been long enough that I have begun to forget much of the "feeling" of what was before. I still remember all of the lessons I learned, both good and bad, but just like, no matter how hard you try to remember a loved one who has died, as time goes on, you begin to forget what their voice sounded like. All in all, I still think this has been the best thing that I have ever done for my family. We still have our struggles and anyone who thinks that moving even a good distance from "home" will remove his problems is fooling himself. Problems go with you wherever you live, because they are a part of you, and until you deal with them, no mere change of scenery will make a difference.

I have thought a lot about people who have been influential in my life this week. I remember the last time I saw this man who was a big part of my early performance life. He was the founder of this children's musical group I was a part of back in the early 80s. It was in the safety of the cocoon that he created that I was able to learn to perform and gain some self-confidence that I so desperately needed and could not find at school. He was a great supporter of me "career" and kept in touch with me for many years. He and his wife came to my senior voice recital and I did not see him again for years. Until one day back in 2005 I ran into him again (eleven years after I had seen him last) in Branson, Missouri at a restaurant. I went over to him, by this time 80 years old, and introduced myself. He did not recognize me, but his wife did and through her conversation began to explain to me that he did not remember much these days. I was a little sad, but I understood that life goes on, whether we want it to or not. (Really no point to this story other than nostalgia.)

I have also thought about those folks who spoke into my religious life, and I wonder if they would be pleased to see what I am doing now. Many of them would be very pleased, I am sure. But there are those that I still wonder about, who I fear must think I have become what they so feared back in the day--a Methodist (read: not a real Christian), and a "liberal" (gasp). Of course, to me, these are silly things. And this idea of my being a liberal, as defined by some of my forebears, is more of a moderate than anything else (you know, someone who is interested in things that Jesus talked about). I wonder about the dreams others dreamed about and for me and whether or not this change of direction has been more painful for them than for me. But maybe the person I worry the most about is me?

My internal paradigm has shifted so much over the years and sometimes I wonder if this has all been for the best. I believe I was right to make these internal changes, I believe they were ordained by God, but my definition of what is "right" has changed. And therein lies the frightening part. I am thankful for the more fundamentalist leanings of my early life because I think they helped keep me on the straight and narrow. They definitely gave me a love for the Scriptures and for the Church, but I really do not want to submit my children to the same worries that I lived with every night, concerned about going to hell in my sleep. I guess I want them to know the truth and love Jesus and His Church, but not have all the baggage that tends to be a part of the culturally American evangelical church. Maybe I should get over myself and allow God to dream new dreams for me, even better than I dreamed before. If this doesn't work, I guess I should try to learn how to lie better. After all, I do work at a church.

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In other news, we had the dog "fixed" today. I have relented to keeping the dog, despite the fact that he has been marking his territory in the house and actually bit a hole in the wall. Yes, a hole in the wall. Hopefully, Winston will be a much happier puppy now. But, he still has other things I can have removed if he gets on my last nerve much more. ; )