Of Treadmills and Tightropes

Okay, so most of you know that I am a fatty. Don't even think about saying that I am not (but thanks for the thought). Well, I have been working on my weightier issues and decided to buy a treadmill so that I can "run" or at least my version of running. At least I have lost enough weight that my fat does not hit me in the face when I run. Well, I have had this treadmill for about three weeks and it is becoming part of my daily routine. I get up every morning, except Sundays, and walk/jog for 30 minutes. I was really sore for the first week or so, but I have gotten used to it. So, today I decided to bump it up a little and do a more advanced version of my routine workout. Let's just say that I had to stop twice because it went so fast that I thought I might die. And, I was alone and nobody wants to die alone. I did get through the whole 30 minutes, and I feel good about myself, especially the dead run, I just wish that I could do it and it not kill me.

I wish I could find something really good to blame my fat on, you know like genetics or my horrible metabolism or my devilish delight in all things chocolate and/or fried. Probably, it is a combination of all of these things. I also realize that I am getting older because I have to worry about eating things with MSG in them. I used to treat myself to Chinese food each Wednesday night after my Choir practice, but I began to notice that I could not sleep and my heart was racing. Now, a lot of that had to do with the fact that I could not get comfortable because of my fat gut. See, it all goes back to that. I do not worry about these things all the time, I just try to be more careful with what I eat. And since I have lost 65 pounds since my highest weight I can sleep a whole lot better--but still no Chinese food.

I guess I am coming to terms with being responsible for myself and not allowing my mind to play tricks on me. I also have three little angels to think about now and I want to be able to play with them and not want to die afterward. One of the best things about my move to Florida is that I am becoming more comfortable with myself. People who knew me before would be surprised to find that I am much more mellow than I used to be, though I would not call myself mellow (and neither would my wife, by the way). For example, I wear shorts often. I wear flip flops (that's right, flip flops) most days. I think that in my previous life I was just too worried about what other people thought. I was a professor and had to present a certain image. But that image was one I imposed upon myself and had little to do with actual requirements of my position.

So even though I am more concerned with my physical health and won't eat Chinese food, I am acting younger than I have ever allowed myself to act. I realize that I was old when I was a kid. I would invited "friends" over, but would not allow them to play with my toys. I was very dogmatic about issues that I could care less about now. I realize I just never had any fun. I regret that.

Now I am in a place that I can explore myself more fully and that is very liberating. My family benefits from this everyday. I know there are drawbacks to being so far away from our extended families, but my children are being able to know me in a healthier and more engaged way than they would have if we had stayed. I have good friends that I love and that love me. They have become our family in lieu of the real thing. I am thankful for them. What I like best is that I can be completely honest about who I am and what I believe and not have to worry about being judged or wonder whether or not what I say will end up as fodder for conversations with people who do not need to know my personal business. Some of this, of course, was my "normal" paranoia, but not all. I am looking forward to the day when my life here is not affected by my life there. Maybe it will never come or should never come, but I am just waiting for him to "make me to forget."

I guess it is about walking the tight rope without the net. What is astonishing to me still is that what I thought would be the single hardest thing I ever had to do in my life has become the easiest things I have ever done. If I could just learn to trust God without reservation, how much more would I experience? How much more would He show me? I realize now that the tight rope is not all that scary and the rewards far outweigh the price that you have to pay.

Peace

You Can Never Go "Home"

Well . . .

I just got home after a short vacation to Texas to visit my family. It was nice to see them all. We had family pictures made. That was nice too. I got to eat at some of my favorite restaurants. That was nicest of all. On the way back we stayed in New Orleans and had beignets at Cafe du Monde and ate Creole food on Jackson Square. Our waitress was not a "tress" at all, so we got the entire French Quarter experience. On our way out this morning we saw the remains of the 9th Ward and other areas hit hardest by Hurricane Katrina. It is amazing that almost two years later, much of the city is still uninhabitable. New Orleans is definitely up and running, and you would never know that anything happened in the Quarter, but how long can this really go on? There are so many people who can never really go home. Unfortunately, there are a lot of folks in Dallas and Houston who wish they could.

During our time in Texas, we had an interesting experience. One day, we took a trip down to Waxahachie, where we lived for almost ten years, bought our first home, and introduced our three daughters to the world. I had not been back since I moved to Florida in February 2006. I went back to Texas over Christmas holidays, but I was not ready to go back "home." Lots of reasons for that. Well, we drove by our old home and it looked awful. I almost hope the woman who bought our house could read this, but the place was a wreck in just over a year. We had prided ourselves in keeping the lawn looking very good. My wife and I bought the house new, so there was no lawn and no landscaping. We did everything to make the home look respectable. But now, the lawn was horribly overgrown, the trees were dying, and the shrubs had not been pruned since the last time my wife pruned them in late 2005. It was embarrassing. We wanted to drive by, see the house, and remember bringing our girls home from the hospital and all the parties I used to have with my students. But now, if we never knew it before, that is not our house anymore.

It was a little sad, but put a close to that chapter of my life. I just realized again how thankful I should be to be where I am. Before we left for our visit, my mother told me I should go see the old life and have a good time and realize that I had done the right thing by moving to Florida. She was right.

I am thankful that I have choices and God has blessed me with opportunities, opportunities that many of the poor folks from New Orleans will never experience. I think we have a problem in this country when the church believes that every poor person is poor because they want to be that way. They have made the choice to live that way. Although I believe many people make bad decisions that lead them to homelessness, many poor people really have no way out of their poverty. I am beginning to wonder whether or not much of our "Christian" rhetoric about the poor is really latent racism and a whole lot of fear. I admit that I am afraid, but fear is not going to limit me. I took my children to New Orleans because I want them to grow up aware of their world, and not afraid of it.

Agreeing to Disagree

I have been thinking a lot lately about whether or not Christians can disagree with each other and remain united in Christ. I found in my former life that as often as not, if someone did not agree with our stance on a certain issue, we would consider that an attack of the Enemy, rather than an intellectual disagreement or a point of departure for further consideration. Life was a lot easier when I did not have to think.

All of these feelings have come flooding back to me since the passing of Jerry Falwell earlier this week. I made a comment about how I thought Rev. Falwell was a sincere man and loved the Lord, but I don't think he loved many others. The conversation went something like, "Well, what did he say that you disagreed with?" And my response was something to the effect that I did not think that the 9/11 Attack was a result of feminists, gays and lesbians, atheists, etc. The comment that came back was, well, you know, there is a nugget of truth in this. And I said "how do you figure" and was told that since our nation was sinful, or allowed sin to thrive, this meant that God's covering could only last so long and that we could not expect to just go along living like we do or we will be punished. My response to this was that I do not believe God acts that way, and I really don't think most Christians believe that God allows things like this to happen to show us the error of our ways.

Or do we believe this? I mean, I thought we were living in an age of grace and that God gives us the freedom to accept Him or reject Him. I just do not believe I have the right to judge these things since I am a sinner too. As the conversation progressed I asked how God could allow innocent people to be killed because of what other people had done (if, in fact, God allowed this as punishment for gay people in America). The answer was that we really should not get up and say these things since there is no way to prove them one way or the other. Really.

OK, so back to my original question: Is it possible for Christians to take radically opposing views of things like God's judgment, or homosexuality, or the poor, or global warming, or the Israeli/Palestinian conflict, or insert issue . . . and remain brothers and sisters in Christ? In my previous life, the answer would have been an unqualified "No" because anyone who does not follow our interpretation of the Bible is not even a Christian. They are a part of the problem, the secularization of American society. But now, on the other side of the aisle, I have begun to wonder just how Christian it is to judge someone else's faith journey based on my narrow interpretations of what I think God meant in the Bible.

Oh how I wish I could go back to happier, more judgmental times when everything was black and white and everyone else was a sinner except for everyone who believed exactly like me. But, how pleasing is that to God? What would Jesus think?

And, by the way: Tinky Winky is a flamer!

Now That's Commitment

I have always admired the Mormons. You've got to hand it to people who are that committed to their faith. PBS aired this simply amazing Frontline documentary on the Mormons this past week that took a long look at Joseph Smith and the complete history of the LDS Church. It pulled no punches, but was an honest look at the sometimes weird, always moving Mormon faith. Now, don't get me wrong, I do not think Mormon doctrine is correct, and people committed to a lie are simply committed to the wind. But therein lies my greatest concern: How can people be so utterly committed to something that is not true and how can we who have the truth be so lackadaisical about it?

Here are some things I have gleaned from the Mormons that could help Christians:

First, Mormons are so committed to their faith that they defend even the wacky things that the early Mormons did (plural marriages, for instance) and fully believe that this was a part of God's progressive revelation to them and their prophets. Mormons believe God still speaks to them today. Sometimes I wonder if Christians truly believe this anymore.

Second, Mormons believe their doctrine and want the world to believe it too. In fact, they believe it so strongly they baptize the dead so that everyone can have the opportunity to go to heaven. I think most Christian groups are so busy competing against each other that they could never work together. And Mormons are just interested in the immortal souls of all people. How ashamed should we be?

I really don't think most Christians are as committed to their doctrine as Mormons are. I mean, take a look at the American Episcopal Church, for instance. The Anglican Communion is about to excommunicate the Episcopal Church for ordaining homosexuals and blessing same-sex marriages. The Communion has given their American branch until September to make things right, come back to Biblical Christianity, or be demoted to a lower rung on the episcopal hierarchy. Mormons do not even consider the possibility of accepting homosexuals because they see this as an affront to the family, which is the center of Mormon belief. They excommunicate them immediately upon coming out of the closet. Whether it is right or not, Mormons have a standard that they believe God wants all people to live up to. Now, I am not here to debate whether or not homosexuality is evil or a disorder or a perfectly legitimate lifestyle choice, but it concerns me that Christian groups throughout history have been all too eager to major on minor issues rather than calling for repentance and forgiveness. I do believe that we should be able to ask the hard questions, and I have asked them over and over, but in the end we have to have a standard that we all believe to be true.

Third, Mormons commit their children to winning the world. When Mormons are very young they are given a mission and they prepare the rest of their young life to go into service of the church. What would happen if Christians expected this much of their young people? Where would the Church be if we cared enough about the world to make it mandatory to go on a mission? Oddly enough, the first Christian missionary ever gave his disciples the command "Go into all the world." It is amazing how good we become at justifying our lack of zeal and we have the truth. We leave the work to missionaries and those living in Africa and Latin America where they really need faith to survive. God help us that we no longer need faith to survive in the Western world, a society founded on faith!

I have begun to realize that the worst threat to the Church may not be Satan but the Church herself. The Church has a way of justifying apathy, and God knows I have justified mine, but I pray that we can become as committed to our mission as Mormons are to theirs. Work while it is day. The night is coming when no one can work.

Losing the Heartland, or Losing Heart?

A couple of weeks ago I read an interesting article in the New York Times Magazine about the growing fear from within the Roman Catholic Church that they were losing Europe to secularism. It discussed Bavaria in detail, since that is where Pope Benedict XVI was born, calling it the heartland of Catholicism--a place where every event is marked by the Church. Or, at least it used to be. The turning point of this discussion within the Catholic Church came a few years ago when the European Union was drafting a constitution and then Pope John Paul II and other Roman Catholics strongly recommended that the preamble to this document include a section on the religious history of Europe (and that is one that is predominantly Roman Catholic).

Now, I have only spent a few weeks of my life in Europe but I was able to make several observations while I was there that may be harbingers of things to come in America. I first went to Europe in 2001, shortly before September 11. It was a wonderful time to travel--barely anyone even looked at my passport. I spent nine days in Italy criss-crossing the country from Rome to Assisi to Florence to Venice and onto Milan with a group of predominantly Catholic music directors. If you have ever been to Italy, you get the impression that Roman Catholicism is very important to these people, and it is. But our tour guide, a woman whose family had lived in Rome for generations, made an astounding observation. She said that the Church was still important, but that it had been relegated to a religion of the significant events of our lives: birth (baptism), marriage, and death (last rites). It really did not mean much more to people, other than fulfilling their days of obligation to the Church, but even these were becoming less and less obligatory among the younger generations of Italians.

In 2004 I took a second honeymoon with my wife to Paris for a few days. We are museum people and so we stayed at a little nineteenth-century hotel a block from the Louvre. I know, it was very touristy of us to stay in the 1st Arrondisement, but it was our first trip and we loved it. We did go to the Louvre and the Musee d'Orsay and the museum of the Middle Ages in the Latin Quarter, but probably the saddest museum we visited was the Cathedral of Notre Dame. It was stunning. Hardly a person in the place was there for worship. Now in Italy, at least while I was there, the cathedrals were filled with pilgrims, though few of them were Italians. I mean I stood in line to touch the tomb of Saint Anthony in Padua with all the other pilgrims and paid to see the golden altar piece in Saint Mark's in Venice, but at least there were folks there for religious purposes--they were looking for a touch of the divine. But in France I never felt even a subtle nudge of the Holy Spirit in this place. It was beautiful, but it did not seem to mean anything to the people there other than as a museum of what we once believed. I read later that there are about five times as many practicing Muslims in France as there are practicing Catholics. My numbers may be off, but the point is that there are not many practicing Catholics in France. And many Protestant denominations are considered cults by the French government, so most evangelistic efforts are not very fruitful.

I think it is significant that even the Pope is commenting on the loss of Europe and it is lost for all intents and purposes. The Pope is calling for a renewed vigor in re-evangelizing the European continent, asking for missionaries from Africa and Latin America where Catholicism (and Pentecostalism) is growing by leaps and bounds. What is significant to me is that, like most people, the Pope is worried about something when the signs have been obvious for centuries. Since the Age of Enlightenment, the Church has been in a dire situation in Europe.

Now, America likes to talk about how Christian it is and most people here believe in God and many more attend church here than in Europe. But my question is: Has the Church become just a place for our significant events (marriage, baptism, and funerals), but has failed to penetrate our everyday lives? Are we coming to a point where being a Christian is a political label we place on ourselves but the message of Christ does not infiltrate our lives? Are we past the point where the church in America is concerned that mainline denominations are hemorrhaging people every year? Or are we so Pharisaical in our outlook and completely believe these churches are in sin and are receiving their just desserts? Again, most evangelical churches should beware that they are walking similar paths that mainlines churches walked a hundred years ago. We like to pretend that we are different, but these differences are ones of degree rather than of species. Having served in both an evangelical/Pentecostal church and a "mainline" denomination, I can say that the people are not different. All churches are at the heart looking for the best way to bring Jesus to their people, but that may be the problem. Churches tend to want to bring Christ to "their people" but do not have a vision for anyone past themselves.

Maybe it is time for us to address the fact that we are trying to reach the people of the 21st century with the tools of the 19th and 20th. Maybe it is time to stop planning new programs and begin to look within us and make some hard decisions. Maybe it is time for us, like the Church in Europe, to admit that we are a Christian nation in name only and we need to reevaluate what it means to be Christian in this new millennium. Maybe it is time to admit that we have more questions now than we can possibly answer. I believe if we can admit this, then there may be hope for the Church.

Show Us the Father

This was my last article for our monthly church newsletter:

I have been thinking a lot about the first chapter of the Gospel of St. John lately, especially verse 18: “No one has ever seen God, but God the One and Only, who is at the Father’s side, has made him known.” (NIV) All of humanity is searching for a piece of the divine, but no one has seen God except for His only begotten Son. We all want something to believe in, something bigger than ourselves.

Later in the same gospel, “Philip said, ‘Lord, show us the Father and that will be enough for us.’ Jesus answered: ‘Don’t you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? Don’t you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you are not just my own. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work.” (John 14:8-10 NIV) Even the apostles, who spent three years with Jesus, were looking for the divine and did not realize they had already seen God Himself in the flesh.

Sometimes, the Spirit of God comes to us in an unexpected manner. I was very moved by the reaction of most of the people who visited the Good Friday Meditation stations. Many left in tears; all were deeply moved. In something simple we were reminded of the sacrifice Christ made for us that first Good Friday. One parishioner commented on the significance of a pair of sandals that were the centerpiece of one of the stations. These sandals, like ones that any man might wear, were meant to remind us of the humanity of the divine Christ. To think that God Himself became a human being and lived on earth is staggering. To consider for a moment that Jesus felt pain and joy in a manner similar to our very own feelings is really unbelievable. Yet this is exactly what He did. He showed us the divine in a simple, human way.

I think we humans tend to look for God to move in miraculous and extravagant ways, and He does. However, I think we neglect to see how God is at work in the small things of our lives, how He leads us (many times in ways we do not even know) in our decisions and in our life paths. We tend to live day to day without much time for reflection. I think if we could stop for a few moments and listen for the voice of God, He will show us how He is continuing to lead us. Remember, when God spoke to Elijah it was not in the mighty, rushing wind or the storm or the fire, but in the still, small voice.

My prayer for you is that God will speak to you in a special way this month. It is my hope that we all can slow down enough to hear the voice of God, to see His fingerprints all over our lives, and reflect on the great God that we serve. What a church family we will be when we all are tuned into what God is doing in the world today!

Disjunct Thoughts on Funerals and the Presidential Race

I admit that I watch American Idol from time to time. As a "music person" I am supposed to shun such commercialization of musical art. And I can be a snob about music just like the next music doctor, but I have to admit that I enjoy watching the show if only to hear somebody bomb. My vote is for Melinda by the way. As many of you know, the last week was about giving back. One striking segment dealt with death in Africa and how we in America do not have a clue how much death Africans live with on a daily basis. This African man said he had been to over 200 funerals in his lifetime. Most of the American and British celebrities they interviewed had been to only a handful at best.

Before I moved to Florida, I had been to my fair share of funerals. Having served as a singer/musician in churches I had been called on from time to time to sing in a funeral or at least attend several services. But I have probably been involved in more funerals since I moved than in my entire life before. I work at a moderately large United Methodist church that is predominantly an older group. This has been an interesting change for me to go from working with college students to the AARP set, but it has been a good change and not without its benefits. The people are wonderful and so very appreciative. If I ever needed to feel better about myself, I definitely do when I am around my parishioners. It does not hurt that I know "their songs" and sing them often.

Back to funerals: I find that most of them do not effect me anymore. Maybe they shouldn't. We celebrate these folks for their well-lived lives and their faith, so we know we will see them again. I just hope that I am not becoming immune to the pain of loss or that I am just getting so used to doing funerals that I am only going through the motions. Probably the fact that I am writing this means I am not, but I still have to ask the question. But I have had a lot of folks ask me to sing at their funerals, so I guess they have enjoyed what I do. I must say I have become quite the rage on the funeral and wedding set for my community.

Now, for a political statement: I read that Rudolph Giuliani is the front runner now for the Republican nomination for President in 2008. Giuliani? Really? Now, I am not as "liberal" as the next green guy, but it bothers me when evangelicals can get behind someone who hits so many of their caution buttons in a major way. You know, he has been married three times and so has his wife. And, besides that he is pro-choice and for gay rights and all those good things (GASP). Is this a "lesser of two evils" choice or what? Granted, I have nothing against Giuliani. I think he is a great American and did some wonderful things in New York, especially with regard to his leadership after September 11. But I do not think of him as a conservative, at least not in the Bush sense of that term.

I mean, I am much less conservative than I used to be, but conservatives used to stand for something, and it was usually . . . conservative. I just think it is funny that everybody gets all up in arms over John McCain, but at least we know what he thinks about all things Republican. I also read that Barack Obama has over 35,000 friends on MySpace. Hillary does not have nearly that many and McCain does not have even 3000. I wonder how many Al Gore has, especially since he invented the Internet. I think it will be interesting to see if Gore chooses to run. I think he might win (again) this time if he does run. I am resolved that our next President will be a Democrat and I hope the best one runs, uh, wins.

Value Your Present Moments

I find that I am a person of habit and I really do not like to change my routine if I don't have to. This does not mean that I am inflexible, but I like my structure and always have. Before I started my last diet, I got in the habit of eating Chinese food every Wednesday evening after Choir practice. I also got this wacky idea that God can speak to you through fortune cookie messages, but that is for another day and another therapist.

Last night I stopped for Chinese food and my fortune read: "Value your present moments." Now, granted, this is not the most significant gleaning I have taken from fortune cookie theology, but it was interesting that a lot of what I have been dealing with over the course of the last year has been about appreciating the here and now and not always looking to the future. Maybe I am settling down for a change. I have a friend who asked me a couple of weeks ago if it were possible to never really settle down, to always be in a state of motion. I told him I did believe there were other models and that we do not have to follow a certain path, but I really feel that at some point, whether in our minds or spirits or even physically we need to be at a state of contentment. The Apostle Paul told us that he had learned to be content in all states. I believe that I am finally understanding what that means. And I am sure my blood pressure will thank me for it.

I have also talked a lot about identity lately. I realize how much I thought of myself as a college professor, and not so much as a child of God who could do whatever God called me to do. When we want to identify ourselves with something so much, we begin to lose sight of who we are in Christ. I am thankful that this impulse to identify with what I do rather than with who I am (or whose I am) is diminishing in my life. More to come . . .

Taking Out the Trash

It is amazing how much trash collects around a church. Really. I am dumbfounded at all of the boxes of things that someone at one point thought "We might use this again." Over the course of this last year I have had my music librarian archiving and cataloguing our music library. This has been no small task and we are nearing the completion of the largest section (SATB choral anthems). But we have this room that is at the bottom of the stairs in the furthest recesses of the church that is an all-around junk room and it is filled with music. Most of the music is stuff that nobody would ever want. You know, stuff that was "contemporary" or what was passing for contemporary church music in the '70s. It is not bad music, just stuff that will never be used again. Now, not everything that is old is bad by any means, but some things are so timely that they become obsolete shortly after they are published. I wonder a lot about the shelf life of several of our more popular contemporary worship songs. None of us are really singing those spiritual warfare songs that were so popular in the late '80s (can you say "Mighty Warrior'?) and I am sure that several of the songs we do today will be like those good old songs soon enough.

Well, the process of taking out the trash in our lives is just as significant. I used to be a real pack rat (and many who would venture into my office today might suggest that I still am). I would keep magazines for many years because, you never know when you might need something from them again. Well, that day never came. I admit that I threw out a lot of things before I moved to Florida. Then, after moving, we threw away a whole lot more. Used to be we would wait and have a garage sale. Nowadays, we just pile it up in the SUV and take it to Goodwill. I think this has been good for me to learn what is really important and what is not.

All this garbage talk reminds me of two passages in the Scriptures that talk about running the race. The Apostle Paul tells us that in order for us to "press on toward the goal to win the prize" we have to forget "what is behind." (Philippians 3:13-14) If we don't release our pasts we have to carry them along with us and that is not healthy for us emotionally or physically. The writer of the book of Hebrews also reminds us to "throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith . . . " (Hebrews 12:1-2) If only we could really live this way. Forgetting what is behind and only looking forward to the future.

So, my prayer for you today is that you would be able to take out the trash that is in your life and allow Christ to replace it with something new and better. I may not enjoy cleaning up what feels like someone else's mess, but it is a wonderful cleansing act to just get rid of all the junk that I have to wade through to get to the good stuff. It is amazing that I find something good every time I go to the "scary room" at the bottom of the stairs. Pretty soon, I will find nothing but good things there, because the past will be completely in the past.

Back to the Blogosphere

Yes, I am alive.

It has been 6 months since I last posted to this blog and that is forever in the cyber time. I began to realize that it is actually quite a while in real time as well. I have had several milestones since I last wrote:

My youngest daughter turned a year old in November

I decided to go on yet another diet the first week of November. I have lost 41 pounds so far. So this means that since I reached my all-time highest weight in 2004, I have lost a grand total of 65 pounds. I am still not thin by any stretch of the imagination, but I feel a lot better physically and emotionally. I can run and not get winded I can walk and not faint. I realize that my battle of the bulge is about more than food and I am trying my best to keep life in perspective. Although, when things are not working as I would like for them to work, I often find myself longing for something fried or something chocolaty. I digress.

I had a wonderful December with my Choir. They put on a very accessible selection of music for Christmas and were very generous with me. They are a second family for me.

I had a weird Christmas returning to Texas for the first time since my move in February of 2006. It was great to see my family, but I just did not feel at home there. I thought it would bring me much more repose than it actually did. We were able to go to museums (they don't have those on the "Redneck Riviera") and see the exhibit on Hatshepsut, the queen who became king of Egypt. That was nice. I just now realize more and more that I truly am at home in Florida. My children are thriving in Florida in a way that I never got to experience before we moved.

In January I bought a new car. I left the Volkswagen cult to join my wife as a Toyota owner. I have an SUV now. I felt like such a Republican, but thank God, it gets very good gas mileage so I can at least feel better about my part in burning a hole in the Earth's atmosphere.

In February we celebrated our one-year anniversary of living in Florida by purchasing the home we had been renting for the last year. Oddly enough, we closed on the anniversary of Misty and the 3 girls coming to Florida. That was creepy and if we were numerologists . . .

In March I turned 35. I had this great realization that I was exactly middle aged if we consider that the Bible gives us only 70 (3 score and 10) years on this Earth. I think this is the first time I have been happy about a birthday since I turned 30 and had 40 college students celebrate with me. That was interesting.

In April we had a wonderful Holy Week and Easter. I got to be all "Emergent" and set up meditation stations for Good Friday. They were received very well and this gives me hope that I can do some almost innovative, yet moving things here and the people will be responsive. The Choir also did a wonderful job on their first performance of the Easter section of Handel's Messiah (reminds me of my university days with my Chorale). We had a wonderful response to the Good Friday evening performance. We had a string quartet and some additional instrumentalists who really added so much to the performance. They were very complimentary of the choir and asked to play again with them at Christmas.

I guess that is my last six months in a nut shell. I have posted a couple of other entries on Worship and My First Year in Florida. It is my plan to keep up with the world again and blog away. I am looking forward to sharing my thoughts again on the Church and its workings, but not today.

Reflections on My First Year in Florida

If there is one thing that sums up this last year of my life it is CHANGE. This February marks my first anniversary serving the music ministry of First United Methodist Church of Panama City. It has been more than a year since I taught my last class at the university. I think this year was about good teaching me a thing or two, especially about trusting Him. People probably thought I was crazy that I would leave my job teaching in a Christian university, a place where I had been for ten years and thought I would never leave. Others probably thought I was crazy to move my family across the country. I am thankful that God was in this move and that He has continued to bless my family through our relationships with you in the church, in our interactions with the staff, and in our feelings of contentment in the community. We truly feel at home.

I am glad that God is always thinking ahead and leading us in His paths, even before we realize our lives are changing. I am reminded of the great words the Apostle Paul wrote to the church at Philippi: “Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6) This means that God has a plan for us, and, better yet, He will see that plan come to fruition in us. We can all be thankful that we have a compassionate Father who loves us and is willing to mold us into His image through all circumstances in our lives. Psalm 40:5 tells us: “Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.” It is truly a miracle that God cares about each of us in such a personal manner.

Our worship, then, should come for a heart that truly seeks after God—just as He has sought us, to save us and redeem us. If our hearts are really open to Him, then our worship will be more meaningful. If we come expecting to meet God in our times of corporate worship, then He will not disappoint us. Rather, He will come and show forth His presence in a refreshing way. Each of us needs a refreshing from time to time, and what better place to meet the Lord than in worship from His church.

We also need to consider how well we know the Lord—how important our relationship with Him really is. I am planning to make that a priority in my life—to know the Lord better, to understand His Word better, to be more like Him in my dealings with people. And, like the Apostle Paul wrote: “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11) My sincere prayer for each of you is that grace would abound in your lives and that you would be filled with His Spirit and presence daily.

Called to Be Worshipers

We are all called to be worshipers. Jesus’ command does not apply only to musicians and singers, but to all believers in Christ. Of course, we all know we need to worship, but sometimes we are just plain too religious to really worship. The Samaritan woman at the well that Jesus met on his way back to Galilee dealt with a similar issue. When Jesus mentioned an area that needed work in her personal life, she immediately responded with a loaded question about the differences between Jewish and Samaritan worship. Jesus’ response to her was amazing: “Believe me, woman, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews. Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship him in spirit and in truth.” (John 4-21-24 NIV)

Worship in spirit and truth means we cannot neglect our minds or our emotions in our worship. Sometimes we worry that our worship can get out of hand when our emotions are involved, but our faith is one that transcends just our intellect. Our faith must engage all aspects of our lives, and our emotions play a major role. So if the Spirit moves you, be encouraged that a healthy, heart-filled response is completely in order in our worship services. I pray that we get excited about Jesus and excited about our times of worship together on Sundays and Wednesday. I pray that we all can strive to come to worship services prayerfully ready to hear the word of God and to worship our Creator and Lord with spirit and in truth. If we come expecting great things from God, we will receive great things from Him. “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” (James 4:8a NASB).

Asking the Wrong Questions

I was talking to a friend about the state of the Church and she mentioned an interesting converstaion she had recently with a pastor from Kenya. The comment that he made that stood out the most to me was something like "I love this country [speaking of the United States], but I do not let it become part of me." I thought this was a profound statement, full of truth. She believed this was very significant and was concerned that we were not doing enough in America to build the Kingdom. She also questioned why we do not see many [any] signs and wonders in America when there are reports of amazing things that God is doing in Africa and other parts of the world. When she related this to me, my response to her was "I wonder if we are asking the right questions." She looked a little puzzled, and so I clarified my response.

I believe that the Church in America has bought into the lie that our rights matter. We complain that our rights are being violated because we cannot pray in school or we have abortion on demand or whatever the new issue may be; but we do so very little to get to know God enough to know what He would have us do. We fight over musical styles in our churches, and try our hardest to think up new programs that will fill the seats, but we are devoid of the Spirit of God. I am afraid that when the Spirit makes an appearance in our churches we are so unprepared for Him that we miss our opportunities. In ministry we talk a lot about providing meaningful opportunities for people to experience God, but I wonder if we are fulfilling true needs in peoples' lives or only our perceptions of their needs. I feel that if we spent more time praying and more time doing the work of God, we would complain less about the ills of our society, a society that we built, and get about the Father's business of accomplishing His will on earth, just as it is in heaven. I am afraid that we need to beg for forgiveness of our well-meaning, but still completely oblivious missteps when it comes to meeting the needs of the world.

We are too busy believing that God cares about our rights. I think the idea of Christian rights is completely unscriptural. It seems that Jesus told us if we are to be his disciples we are to DENY ourselves, take up our cross, and follow Him. Paul reiterates this idea when he says that he is crucified with Christ. If we truly are His disciples, we will not be able to tell the difference between His will and our own--it will be the same agenda. The early church was not concerned with political agendas because it was too concerned about getting the word out about Jesus. Because they truly believed Jesus would return anytime, there was no time to complain about the emperor's newest edict. I hear people concerned that there will be a great day of reckoning for the church in America and I am sure that it will happen someday. Some want to blame it on pluralism others on the rise of Muslim immigration to America, but I want to put the blame where it belongs. It starts with me and the rest of the church that has been too busy to notice the tares that have been sown all around us, the tares that are choking us to death, the tares that we planted when we decided to be worried about things that do not matter. Lord, open our eyes to see the world as you see it and not through our own very cloudy vision. Lord, help us to understand that just because we have been blessed it does not give us the right to lord it over others or to expect that we deserve it by divine right. Help us to be ready for that day of reckoning, and not be caught unawares doing the "work of the Lord" only to have You tell us "I never knew you."

Propaganda and the Liberal Media

I have not posted anything in quite some time, so I guess it is about time I shared another bit of wisdom I have been chewing on lately. With the upcoming election in November looming over us and the prospects for 2008 already starting to line up, I guess it is time to weigh in on the topic. Not that I have any expertise on things political, but I have touched on some of these issues before so they won't be new.

I remember being in college in 1992 when Bill Clinton was elected president. I remember thinking that he was probably the antichrist, but I really felt like he would win, especially with Ross Perot splintering the Republican vote. I wanted to vote for Clinton because I wanted to be on the winning side, but instead voted with my conscience to stay the course with George Bush Sr. Of course, that logic failed along with the Bush campaign and the religious right became a force to be reckoned with shortly thereafter. Since Clinton was liberal and the media was the whore of Babylon, the world must soon come to an end. I remember the 1994 election and the contract with America that Republican congressional officials made with the country. I remember that November night thinking, we'll show them, now the Lord will have his due. Well, we have had 12 years of Republican control of both houses of Congress and 6 years of that under a Republican president and I have come to realize one thing: more governing actually seems to take place when there is a balance of the two parties.

I guess what I am trying to say is: "Let the Democrats have it back!" At least that will give evangelicals something legitimate to complain about. It is astonishing to me to hear people complain about congress and their lack of accomplishment when we are the ones who put them there. We have become so afraid of Osama bin whoever, that we forget that we serve a God who is in control of all situations, and this is true whether there is a Republican or a Democrat is in the white house. It is funny that I still hear complaints about the liberal bias in the media, but there has to be a balance between the very conservative government and the media coverage. I do not remember any conservatives complaining that Rush Limbaugh was not giving a balanced view of President Clinton.

I was reading an article in Texas Monthly about the state of politics in Texas and how the GOP state convention was basically a diatribe against illegal immigration and the wall that they want to build along the border. Honestly, I didn't realize there was one person in Texas who did not realize there were illegal immigrants living there. So now that we have an election, we have to stir up fears about the border and a wall to keep all of the illegals and other ne'er do wells out of our borders. OR, is it possible, the wall is not to keep out whoever wants to get into the country, but to keep our culture monolithic in its outlook. We talk a lot about multicultural in church but when we get right down to it, it is just talk. We really do not want people around us who make us think or challenge our comfort level, especially with regard to our faith. I am challenged everyday, and I don't like it. But it is the best thing for me and it makes me stronger. It makes me know myself better. These border fears remind me a lot of there Y2K conspiracy. It is funny how people of faith were the ones that made the biggest uproar about Y2K and its possible repercussions. How is it that we have such faith in the end of the world, but so little faith in the Savior of the world?

The older I get the less sure I am of any of former convictions. I realize now that God does not care as much about some of these little things. I am not talking about the basics of the faith here. I am talking about things that matter little for the Kingdom. Just like I don't think a fence on the border of Mexico is the answer to our immigration problems, I do not think that picketing abortion clinics or rallying against Democrats is going to win anyone to the Kingdom.

So if the Democrats take the Congress and Hillary becomes president in 2008, or if the Republicans keep Congress and John McCain takes the white house, God is still in control. My prayer is that we as Christians do not allow our fears to dictate how we work and live. When it comes right down to it, we are most effective when we are salt and light in the world, rather than avoiding the world at all costs. As for me, I think I am going to vote for Jesus in the next election, and the last time I looked, he was an independent. And I no longer think Bubba is the antichrist, but the jury is out on . . .

A Battle of Wills

I have been learning a lot about patience these last several weeks. For a couple of weeks of August I was determined that my three-year-old daughter would master the art of the potty. She is definitely as strong-willed child and so this has been a learning time for both of us. Who is going to be in control at the end of the day? Well, it turns out that after a week of constant supervision, she finally did master the art and even decided it was proper to go without being asked "Do you need to go potty?" It has been wonderful and in the end she realized that she was more in control by going to the potty than by making me and her mom clean up after her. I am just glad that I lived through it.

My nerves have rarely been as brittle as they were during this period of the battle of wills. This battle has taught me a thing or two about being patient. I am trying to learn to apply this hard-learned lesson to my work in the church. I have the privilege of working with some of the most compassionate and caring individuals I have met. They have made my transition to full-time church ministry much easier. But, I have one situation that continues to rear its head and I have come to a realization: I want to be in control and it bothers me that I cannot control the situation. I usually have a way of diffusing tense situations, but again this is a way for me to be in control. I am having to learn to give those things that I cannot control over to the Lord, rather than trying to work them out myself. And I am good at working them out myself. Again, it is about control. Just like my little one and her potty problems, always wanting to control or dominate situations she finds herself in, I want to do the same, albeit in a much more genteel way. It has to be about letting Him work it out. We spend so much of our time fighting battles, when God asks us to praise Him and let Him fight the battles for us. And we wonder why we don't win these battles or why they keep coming back to haunt us.

The pictures above are ones I took last year in Egypt. The Sphinx is an amazing sight, so old and mysterious and very patient. I guess a rock really is not patient, just stuck in one place. But it has no control over its surroundings or what happens to it. I pray that one day I will be able to give up control of all this mess and allow God to take control so that I don't have to worry about it anymore. Let it be today!

Sticking to the Status Quo

I have three little girls that are definitely the spice of my life. Even though they are young, my daughters love those tween shows that are on Disney and Nickelodeon. Several months ago, the Disney channel had a big hit called "High School Musical." It is cheesy and tweeny and they love it. We have the DVD and watch it all the time. They sing along to the songs in the car. I must admit that I think it is really a good little musical and I personally know most of the songs myself. Embarrassing, but true. I was struck by one of the songs because it hits a nerve with a lot of people in the church these day--the status quo. The song says something to this effect: "Stick to the status quo. It's better by far to leave things as they are." It was unnerving.

We talk a lot about the status quo in the church these days and I am not sure what the main reason for all this worry is. It could be that in America, people have been leaving the church, especially mainline denominations, in a steady stream for many years. I am a member of a United Methodist church, which came into being in 1968. At that time, there were over 11 million adherents in the USA. Now there are closer to 8 million. For many this is an alarm that says the status quo needs to be adjusted. We can't do church as usual anymore. I remember in Bob Sorge's book Exploring Worship that the seven last words of a dying church are: "We've never done it that way before."

But changing the status quo is a major undertaking and requires that everyone in a particular church body is behind the change. It takes vision, which, oftentimes, is lacking in our churches. We are more worried about getting people to church than we are about truly reaching the lost. It is so much easier to sit in church and wait for the lost to come to our church, but how realistic is this? I sit in an office that is right across from the main church office. People in crisis come in four days a week to receive food or monetary assistance. I think this is a wonderful thing the church does and the church in general needs to do more of these things. But I wonder if this is really reaching anyone for Jesus. Maybe it is, I am just not seeing these folks come to church after they have been helped. Maybe our assistance is a seed that will grow into something greater some day. Maybe we are helping the needy keep their own status quo.

The picture above is one I took in the Old City in Jerusalem at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre. I was especially interested in the ladder that sits on a cornice above the main entrance to the church. During Ottoman rule, several Christian churches (Greek Orthodox, Roman Catholic, Armenian, etc.) fought over their rights to the church built where many believe Christ died and was resurrected. The Ottomans established a Status Quo for the church and granted ownership to six different Christian bodies. From what I gather, the windows belong to the Armenians, but there is a question as to whether the Armenians or the Greeks own the cornice that the ladder sits on. The ladder belongs to the Armenians, and has sat in the same place for over 150 years because the Greeks wanted them to move it, but they refused--all because of the status quo.

Now, I know we would never argue within our churches about something as silly as moving a ladder, but we do argue about coffee, carpet, and other equally insignificant things. And usually, our arguments end up being a test of the status quo.

Today, I want to acknowledge that I enjoy things as they are and do not enjoy change. However, God has blessed me by not allowing me to keep the quo. If He did allow me to keep things as they are, I would not be writing from my desk in Florida, but from my desk in Texas. It was not a bad situation, just the status quo for me. I am thankful that I can see new and different horizons.

And, by the way, the Church of the Holy Sepulchre is not the most beautiful church in Christendom. The ladder is actually a tasteful addition to the facade.

Winning the Culture War

While I was growing up in Oklahoma, I used to frequent Christian bookstores and if you ever go to them yourself, you know there is a kind of "underground" world that evangelicals move in. I was never made more aware of this fact than when I first moved to Texas and went to one of the largest Christian bookstores in the world, literally. Beside the little Testamints that I found at the check out counter, there was a little telephone directory of places owned and operated by evangelicals. It was touted as a wonderful tool for all believers to use in order to help fellow believers who were in business. I picked it up and took it home with me and never really used it. It struck me--When did it become necessary for Christians to completely shun going into the world? I remember asking an older colleague of mine who was reared in a very strict Pentecostal home why she never went to sporting events when I knew she kept up with all the local high school scores. She told me that, though she did not think it was wrong to attend, she did not because while she was growing up, Pentecostals just did not do anything that the world liked to do. I always wanted to say, "Well, the world eats chocolate. Did you refrain from eating chocolate because it was too worldly? I digress.

When did it become necessary for evangelicals to completely separate from the world? Jesus told us to be in the world, but not of it. I know this is a difficult balance, but we have to be in the world in order to minister to the world. I recall discussing this issue in a class I taught on worship in the church. The discussion would go something like: "We speak a language that the world does not understand. We expect that a sinner who comes to the Lord will automatically stop all their vices and wear the same clothes that we do, our we question the authenticity of their salvation experience. We only go to stores and restaurants that are owned or operated by Christians. And we spend a whole lot of time in our churches feeling very good about ourselves and talking about how we need to touch the world, but we never come into contact with any one who does not know the Lord. How can we reach the world if we are not ever in it?"

And, another thing, when did Jesus become a Republican? I grew up in the Reagan era and, as I recall, this was about the time that I started hearing stirrings from the "religious right" and this always meant conservative Republicans. I remember my grandfather was a staunch Democrat, but had been reared in a pastor's home and was a lay leader in his church for many years. I always wondered how he could justify being a Democrat when all Democrats stood for evil--like abortion, homosexuality, riotous living, etc. My mother once told him that he would vote for the Devil himself if he was a Democrat. I thought it was funny that he told her he would have to think about that.

Well, there was this interesting article in the New York Times yesterday called "Disowning Conservative Politics, Evangelical Pastor Rattles Flock." The article was about an evangelical minister from Minnesota who became aggravated by certain members of his congregation who wanted him to announce a rally against gay marriage, or introduce a politician visiting the church, or to allow them to set up an anti-abortion table in the lobby, you get the idea. The minister concluded that when Christians win the culture war we inevitably lose because we, in fact, become the world. Jesus Christ, not America, is the light of the world and the hope for the world.

He discusses further significant concerns that the church in general really needs to come to terms with. How can we be salt and light if we are totally removed from the world? I think Boyd is correct in warning that when the church wins the culture war against the world it becomes the world. And, when our political agendas fall so heavily on one or two key issues (abortion or homosexual marriage) and forget other, sometimes greater issues, like hungry children, a better educational system, etc., who is to blame when these issues are not met? The early church filled a need in the society of its day by starting hospitals and caring for widow and orphans. One of the reasons that Christianity won out and became the official religion of the Roman Empire was that they were so heavily involved in the political system that the government and social services stopped whenever there was any kind of anti-Christian persecution. Now, history knows what happened when the early Christians won their culture war. It led to a period Protestants consider one of the darkest times in church history.

How far have we come from the lofty pursuit of "doing justice, and loving kindness, and walking humbly with our God" (Micah 6:8 paraphrase) when we feel like we are serving God's purpose by sitting in our churches and proclaiming our love for the world from a safe distance. It is hard to love people when we are so angry with their state of life. It is impossible to win the world without bumping into it, making a mess of our easy answers. We are meant to be agents of change in our world, but can't we do this without giving up our compassion, our humanity? I want to be just, and love kindness, and walk humbly with God without being judgmental. I want to be less judgmental and more compassionate with every person I meet. I want to be Christ to the world, so I guess I'm going to have to embrace the world as Christ did. I guess I will be calling all my "sinner" friends to go out to dinner. It's what Jesus would do!

Wars and Rumors of Wars

I think I am tired of living in the "End Times." Granted, I think the end times began as soon as Jesus left this earth, so I guess I am going to have to get over it. When I was growing up as a fundy, we talked about the end times and the rapture and Jesus' return a lot. Well, mostly we talked about the great tribulation and how we definitely did not want to be here on earth when the tribulation began or we might get our heads cut off for our faith--if we found faith again during that time. I remember watching with horror those movies from the 70s about the rapture. It is ironic now that the type of church they portrayed in the first movie looks a whole lot like a Methodist church. Since I work in a Methodist church now, it is both offensive and exhilarating at the same time. I digress.

I guess what bothers me the most is that every time a war breaks out, any where, or at least any place that involves the United States, people immediately start saying that the end is near. Now, I can't refute that completely, because I do not know when He will return, but, then again, neither does anyone else. I will hear people quote the verse about wars and rumors of wars and suggest that this alone indicates the end is near. What bothers me about this is they forget the rest of the verse. In Matthew 24, the disciples ask Jesus about the signs of the end times. Now, I believe they thought it would happen in their own day, just like we do, so they were especially interested in when the kingdom would come. So, Jesus says: "See that no one leads you astray. For many will come in my name, saying, 'I am the Christ,' and they will lead many astray. And you will hear of wars and rumors of wars. See that you are not alarmed, for this must take place, but the end is not yet. For nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom, and there will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are but the beginning of the birth pains." (Matthew 24:4-8 ESV) We like to major on the minor points of wars and earthquakes, but forget the more significant indicator which comes a few verses later: "And this gospel of the kingdom will be proclaimed throughout the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come." (v. 14)


For those of you who have been watching the news lately, here are some pictures I took last year in a fairly peaceful Israel. The top picture is taken from Safed, one of the first Israeli cities to be targeted by Hezbollah. I did not realize at the time I was there that Safed was only 12 miles from the Lebanese border. Safed is a center for study of the Kabbalah. This picture is taken facing south towards Tiberias and shows the ruins of a synagogue. The next picture is a shot of the northern portion of the Sea of Galilee taken from the Golan Heights, the disputed area of land that used to belong to Syria.

The top picture is a shot of the Sea of Galilee from the northwestern side taken on the traditional mount of Beatitudes. Galilee was very lush when I visited in March of 2005. The last picture is for the End Times fans. This is the valley of Jezreel or the valley of Armageddon if you prefer. It was taken from Megiddo looking to the east. Of course, while I was there, I could hear the Israeli air force jets flying overhead.

Now, don't get me wrong, I think it is important that we are all ready for the end to come. But I think we sometimes put much more emphasis on the end of the world than we do on saving the world before that time comes. One great thing about the Methodist church is that they really do not take a strong stand on eschatological issues, rather, they spend most of their time trying to make a difference in this present age. Jesus taught His disciples: "We must work the works of him who sent me while it is day; night is coming, when no one can work. As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world." (John 9:4-5 ESV)

Let's get to work!

Musings on World Travel

While I was growing up in Oklahoma City, I always wanted to travel the world, but the furthest I got was Mexico City. In the last five years, I have set foot on four continents other than North America and I have seen many an interesting sight.

Here I am in Jerusalem on the Mount of Olives overlooking the Temple Mount and the Dome of the Rock (2005). That was an unbelievable trip. In a future post I will publish some of the photos I took while in Israel. I visited some of the places that have been in the news recently.

Here I am on the Giza plateau (2005). That was an experience that is
difficult to put into words. After seeing the pyramids and the sphinx,
monuments that are older than Abraham, you begin to reconsider the
significance of your own life issues. Time itself fears the pyramids.

Here I am in Saint Peter's square in 2001, just six weeks before 9/11. This
was my first trip to Europe and I went by myself. I got lost in Rome in the
middle of the night trying to find my hotel after visiting the Trevi fountain
and the Spanish steps. I was such a tourist. I would love to go back. I would
never wear a shirt with an American flag on it today.

I always liked this picture from my trip to Paris (2004). Misty and I spent a year celebrating our tenth wedding anniversary and this was our first overseas trip together. We went to the Louvre and the Musee d'Orsay and Notre Dame. We stayed in a wonderful little nineteenth-century hotel a block from the Louvre. This picture of me was taken on a bridge over the Seine. The picture of Misty, which is one of my favorites of her, was taken on one of those double-decker tour buses. It was so cold (it snowed outside Notre Dame) and we had one of the best times we have ever had.

You can see the beaches of Rio de Janeiro, Brazil behind me. I am actually up by the huge statue of Christ that overlooks the city of Rio. That was a great trip as well (2002).

Some folks don't like to travel, but there came a point in my life when I decided I wanted to touch the earth and see things with my own eyes, not just read about them in National Geographic. Traveling the world has given me a wealth of perspective on my own life and life in America. I love America and I am fortunate to live here, but I need an international trip every so often to keep my sanity.

Napoleon Dynamite and Other Rantings

I came to a grand realization last week. I am old and only 34 years old. I had always felt like I was up on what was the "in" thing if, for no other reason than to make a mockery of it. And, having spent 10 years teaching in a college and developing a great rapport with late teens and twentysomethings, I really felt like there was at least a connection to "youth." Well, I broke down and watched Napoleon Dynamite finally. All of my college students told me last year that I should watch it, but I refused. And, now I know why . . . I just do not get it. Now, there were definitely some funny parts. I do wonder about my skill level and that bit with the glamour shots was hilarious, but I just don't get it. I am over it. I guess I really need to look into my retirement portfolio.

I guess part of my feeling "old" was that a friend of mine from high school decided to try to find all of our graduating class. This is not so difficult when you consider there were only 39 in the entire class. It was amazing that she was able to find most of us in a short time. This process brought back some great memories and some awful ones as well. I was reminded of one of my most embarrassing moments. No need to go into that now, but it was a learning experience that I took with me into my adulthood. Just did not need to be reminded of it.

I guess my high school experience was on the whole a good one, but I was done when it was over. I always felt like there was so much more to learn than I was afforded at my private evangelical Christian school (Did you see the movie Saved?). Honestly, I am pleased that I have such a fundy background. It has grounded me and helped me to ask the proper questions of life and faith. Just because I do not believe things in the exact way that I did when I was growing up is not an issue of giving up on faith, but an evolution of faith. This evolution has meant that I have come to know myself and my faith a whole lot better. It has meant that I no longer have answers to certain questions any more. But it also means that I can rely on the mystery of God a lot more. I can say, "I don't get it. It's a mystery, but that's the way God is" and actually mean it. Now I can honestly say I don't care if we ever find Noah's ark or whether the sons of God in Genesis 6 are actually angels or the descendants of Seth or aliens (I don't believe they were aliens by the way). It does not affect my relationship with God one iota. Faith is just that--faith, something you believe without seeing. If I need to find the ark of the covenant to believe that it existed, what kind of faith is that? If the shroud of Turin ends up being a fraud, so what? And all of these things really have nothing to do with who Jesus claimed to be, and that is the bottom line for me. I digress.

I may not get Napoleon Dynamite, but I should have seen it coming. I have to confess, my pop culture references in my classes were beginning to receive glazed over looks. Can you believe, students nowadays do not know who Ferris Bueller was? I'll take Ferris over Napoleon anyday! Anyone? Anyone?