Running on Empty (a. k. a. Going Through the Motions)

This last week has been a blur. Thankfully, due to some events in the community that many of my choir members were involved in, several of my regular rehearsals had to be cancelled. It gave me some time off which was nice, but it ended up being put to other uses. Madeline was sick most of the week. We took her to the doctor four times in eight days. Thursday, the doctor wanted to send her to the hospital because her cough was so bad. She asked me how long it had been like that and I told her a week. It was like that when we brought her in the first time. Frustration. I could not imagine taking my two-year-old to the hospital. Fun. She is getting better. In the midst of these trips to the doctor it decided to rain here and never stop. We had a nice little flood on Thursday, so much so that the schools were closed on Friday. So, we had everyone at home, Maddie and mommy sick, and me still trying to get over my illness from the last two weeks. Stressful. Friday was also my father's 60th birthday. Saturday was a wasted day at home, except for our family outing to Sam's. At least church went well today. No coughing my lungs up during services this time around.

I have been thinking a lot about emptiness lately, spiritual or otherwise. This is likely something I should not discuss here, but here goes. I have long worried that very little truly brings me pleasure. Since "music" is my chosen profession, I think most people think it delights me to sing all day long and to listen to music all the time. The truth is, music is a job to me and I get tired of it easily. Granted, I would rather work in music than be a plumber, but I find myself going through the motions because it is what is expected of me. This does not mean that I do not find any joy in it, sometimes, I even find great joy. But I look at people like my father who do music only as an avocation, who seem to derive such great pleasure from it, that it makes me a little sad that I do not get to experience it in the same way.

But there is always this thought in the back of my mind that I am not giving all of myself to anything. I have deliberately chosen a profession that does not require me to think very much. I am creative within a certain frame of reference and never beyond that. I have chosen to be in places where I can be considered forward thinking without having to commit to seeing that completely through. The truth is the college where I gave ten years of my life was not exactly cutting edge (but, to be fair, academic music does not pride itself on being up to date anywhere, especially considering academia's penchant for musical museum pieces). And no church is totally interested in giving up the framework that bestows upon it self-identity as a church (why would we try anything else when we have always done it this way?).

Sometimes it is easier to be a visionary than to be a pioneer. I don't know if this is a bigger indictment on me or on the community that created me.

Some would tell me that it is better to be a visionary even if the vision is never realized. But I am beginning to wonder if the path of unrealized vision is actually a path to insanity. I have been told that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Well, what happens when you expect no results? When we expect little or no results, we are not devastated by the lack of change. I am coming to believe that God gives us vision(s) in order to see them fulfilled, and when they go unrealized they become fodder for the Enemy to use against us. And then comes the question: Would it be better to be mediocre, to live without vision than to see the dream go unfulfilled? To never know beyond the surface or never look beyond the next hill? I think it would be worse to have known these things and then to lose them, but I wonder what it is like for those who never know them? Is life somehow easier when you don't have to think about every action or motive?

Funny thing is that, on the whole, I am as happy as ever right where I am. I just wonder if I will ever be happy to just be happy. I spend far too much time inside my own mind and this is likely not the healthiest thing for me. But I know nothing else, and sometimes the Devil you know is better than the Devil you do not know. And, I am on such good terms with my own personal devil that to lose him--I wonder if I would lose myself. And maybe that is the point right there--fear of losing self when that is the one thing that Jesus calls us to do.

Sometimes I hate this blog.

RE: Publicans

How difficult is it for someone who is an encultured evangelical Christian from birth to truly feel a part of this world? I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Evangelicals are taught from the earliest stages of life to come out and be separate from the world. "Don't even do anything that the world might consider fun." How then do we enter a world that we have never really been a part of? For all the talk of the emergent/missional church, and all the literature that is written directed toward making the church more accessible to nonchurched individuals, how does someone like me inact these things in my own life and in the church? No matter how much I try to lose the stereotypical "Christian" look, I still come across as a minister to most people. My only saving grace on this front is that I have this gift that makes people tell me everything about them. It is a real conversation starter.

We talked about Pharisees in church on Sunday because we were looking at John 3. Nicodemus was a Pharisee who came to Jesus by night and you know the rest of the story. I was thinking the whole time: "If Jesus came to us today and told us to do things a different way, we would probably look at him the way Nicodemus looked at Jesus back then. The "are you kidding me? We have always done things this way" mentality.

I find myself in this camp often and I hate to admit it. As much as I talk about change, I loathe it just as much. I am constantly in search of calm, but I rarely get to hold onto it for long. Although, right now, for the first time in some time, I feel an odd sense of settledness. I guess I am really a Pharisee when it comes right down to it. I want Jesus to work within my own religious framework. It seems to work for me. Why can't it work for Jesus?

I am reminded of the parable in Luke 18 about the publican and the Pharisee. I like the word "publican." It sounds so much better than just a "sinner" or tax collector. What was his story? His prayer? "Have mercy on me, a sinner." The Pharisee was just thankful he was not like the publican and started to count the ways they were different. And these areas were all good, religious things that we should do. But whose prayer was heard? Jesus said the publican went home justified before God. "For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted." Isn't this the crux of Jesus' teaching? He came to raise up those who had no voice and to call into question those who think they have it right. What does this mean for those of us in vocational ministry?
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In other news: No significant news to report on the home front. We continue to battle the allergens. I am fine until I get up to sing and then I cannot stop the coughing. I am hopeful that I will be better soon since I refuse to go to the doctor. I have been asked to sing in one of the semi-professional chorales. I want to help out, but my illness is keeping me from committing fully. Today is one of those days that I hate--a holiday without presents and no mail on top of that. I hate not getting the mail. I may have to go buy a magazine and put it in the mailbox. I worry myself sometimes.

Peace

Sick of Being Sick

Well, it started almost two weeks ago when Emma had to stay home from school because she was sick. Then Madeline got sick (a little). And since Wednesday I have been coughing my head off and wishing my head would go back to normal. Living in northwest Florida, there is no off season for allergies, so I end up with a sinus infection about every other month. Upper respiratory issues are a major problem for someone in my business. A parishioner, who happens to do the weather for one of our local television stations, asked me last month what happens when I get sick. He had been sick several days in January and could hardly talk, so it was a timely conversation. I told him I just have to muddle through. I hate being gone on a Sunday, so I did my best today. Though, after coughing throughout the entire middle service, I really wanted to say "Hey people, get me some water. Can't you see I am about to start coughing up blood?" Maybe I just covered it so well that they did not notice. Fat chance. I came home, had lunch, and slept for four hours. I am sick of being sick.

Saturday I spent the day judging district solo and ensemble contest in Panama City Beach. For my first couple of years here, no one in the musical establishment of Bay County gave me the time of day. A lot of it has to do with having no one in the area who knows you are not a crackpot. Well, now it seems I have become the beau at the ball and people are raving about my vocal coaching and what I have done with my choir and now I am being invited to sing or judge or whatever all over. It is nice. And even though I do not feel the need to be stroked very much, it does feel better that people are getting to know and appreciate what I have to offer. I have also become acutely aware of how high school students react to me and my sense of humor. It is wild. It is like I have this instant rapport with them. So, if the world came to an end and I had to teach in a high school, I believe, for the first time, this would not be horrible. Let's hope this does not happen any time soon.

I remember when I moved to Texas from Oklahoma and how difficult it was to start over again. A well-respected youth minister in the Oklahoma City area gave me some wise counsel that I did not follow. In many ways, I was hot stuff in the area Assemblies of God, even as a young person. And he told me that it would be better for me to stay in the area, go to school there, and remain working in churches there because I had built a big platform for ministry there already. Everyone knew me. I liked that, but I still moved away because I thought it was the right thing.

However, right is not usually the easiest avenue to walk down. After a year of being in Texas, I was ready to move "home." Starting over is the worst for someone like me because I hate having to prove myself again and again. What was nice about that move was that I ended up taking the job teaching at Southwestern and that came with an automatic, built-in platform.

Several years ago when I began to wonder if I would spend the rest of my life in the fellowship of youth, I started talking to a lot of different Christian leaders. One such individual was this man from Florida who was part of a group called the Charismatic Orthodox Church. He was the leader of this new church and one of the most intuitive people I have ever spoken to. He talked about the importance of a platform for ministry, that if you do not have one, no one will hear your voice even if you have a direct line to God. He told me it would be better to stay within the place that I was because I had a platform for affecting change in more lives where I was.

I wonder what significance there is in not listening to the greater part of wisdom and leaving good enough (or bad enough) alone? I have often spoken of change as the greatest constant in life. We hear so much about change these days with the Obama and Clinton campaigns. I hear ministers talk about change, as long as it is not only change for change's sake. So change is on everbody's mind. Clearly, since I moved I have had to reestablish a reputation and relationship to a new community each time. And, though I do not care for this process, it always seems to come.

I guess what I am getting at is, God raises us up for whatever task He requires of us and gives us the platform we need to see His will accomplished. I am glad to be in a place of acceptance in the church and in my community and I look forward to this new season and where this may lead. So, two years in and I feel more at home than I thought I might when I left the comfort of the world I had always known and a well-built platform for ministry. I am thankful that He begins a good work in us and is faithful to complete it, whether or not it is where or when or how we might have dreamed it would turn out.

Learning to Lie

"One of the benefits of working at a church is that you learn to lie well." Anonymous

Today marks the second anniversary of my move to Florida and my change of life direction. A times it is still hard for me to believe that this happened; however, it has been long enough that I have begun to forget much of the "feeling" of what was before. I still remember all of the lessons I learned, both good and bad, but just like, no matter how hard you try to remember a loved one who has died, as time goes on, you begin to forget what their voice sounded like. All in all, I still think this has been the best thing that I have ever done for my family. We still have our struggles and anyone who thinks that moving even a good distance from "home" will remove his problems is fooling himself. Problems go with you wherever you live, because they are a part of you, and until you deal with them, no mere change of scenery will make a difference.

I have thought a lot about people who have been influential in my life this week. I remember the last time I saw this man who was a big part of my early performance life. He was the founder of this children's musical group I was a part of back in the early 80s. It was in the safety of the cocoon that he created that I was able to learn to perform and gain some self-confidence that I so desperately needed and could not find at school. He was a great supporter of me "career" and kept in touch with me for many years. He and his wife came to my senior voice recital and I did not see him again for years. Until one day back in 2005 I ran into him again (eleven years after I had seen him last) in Branson, Missouri at a restaurant. I went over to him, by this time 80 years old, and introduced myself. He did not recognize me, but his wife did and through her conversation began to explain to me that he did not remember much these days. I was a little sad, but I understood that life goes on, whether we want it to or not. (Really no point to this story other than nostalgia.)

I have also thought about those folks who spoke into my religious life, and I wonder if they would be pleased to see what I am doing now. Many of them would be very pleased, I am sure. But there are those that I still wonder about, who I fear must think I have become what they so feared back in the day--a Methodist (read: not a real Christian), and a "liberal" (gasp). Of course, to me, these are silly things. And this idea of my being a liberal, as defined by some of my forebears, is more of a moderate than anything else (you know, someone who is interested in things that Jesus talked about). I wonder about the dreams others dreamed about and for me and whether or not this change of direction has been more painful for them than for me. But maybe the person I worry the most about is me?

My internal paradigm has shifted so much over the years and sometimes I wonder if this has all been for the best. I believe I was right to make these internal changes, I believe they were ordained by God, but my definition of what is "right" has changed. And therein lies the frightening part. I am thankful for the more fundamentalist leanings of my early life because I think they helped keep me on the straight and narrow. They definitely gave me a love for the Scriptures and for the Church, but I really do not want to submit my children to the same worries that I lived with every night, concerned about going to hell in my sleep. I guess I want them to know the truth and love Jesus and His Church, but not have all the baggage that tends to be a part of the culturally American evangelical church. Maybe I should get over myself and allow God to dream new dreams for me, even better than I dreamed before. If this doesn't work, I guess I should try to learn how to lie better. After all, I do work at a church.

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In other news, we had the dog "fixed" today. I have relented to keeping the dog, despite the fact that he has been marking his territory in the house and actually bit a hole in the wall. Yes, a hole in the wall. Hopefully, Winston will be a much happier puppy now. But, he still has other things I can have removed if he gets on my last nerve much more. ; )

The Hard Part is Acting Like Jesus

Today was one of those weird Florida days that started out a little cool and cloudy and ended up warm and sunny. This weather probably will not last long, but it is nice that we get some respite from the cold, well, Florida's version of cold anyway.

I took my lunch break and went for a 3-mile run. I am really getting into the swing of this running thing. Then I went to get a little lunch and drop off a jacket (the one from the movies) at the dry cleaners. It just so happened that I passed by one of the biggest churches in town that is in the middle of this huge building project. It is a conservative, evangelical fellowship. They must be doing something right, because they continue to grow and expand their ministries. People are excited to be there and invite their friends. It is great.

Recently, I was watching this church on television and their pastor was talking about the presidential race. Funny, he made pretty certain who he was not voting for without even saying her name. But his most intriguing point was that at least one of the candidates was a postmodernist. He said it with such disdain. And then he went on to explain that a postmodernist is someone who does not believe in any absolutes, that whatever you believe is fine for you. He may have been talking about the presidential candidates, but his subtext was pretty clear: That emergent church you may have been hearing about is just the same--postmodernist mumbo-jumbo from people pretending to be Christians, but they don't stand for anything. I was a little offended, especially since I think most younger people in the world are "postmodernists" and how can we reach people if we close the curtain and pretend that it is okay to leave them alone. As long as they leave us alone, we can pretend to be the church and just send them on to hell where they belong.

I have come to the realization that many evangelicals are okay with certain groups going to hell, you know homosexuals, abortion doctors, Mormons, Muslims, etc. "They are going to hell because of the decisions they have made." Forget the fact that many of them may be going there because of one of us and how we showed the love of Jesus to them (enter picketers: "God hates fags" etc.). It is much easier for us to allow them to go to hell than it is for us to worry about them. Why, when we have more important things to worry about like the color of the carpet in the sanctuary or whether or not we use regular or decaf in the church lounge.

I also believe that there are many evangelicals who like being told they are going to hell, or at least warned about it at every possible opportunity. I think in some ways, this is why many evangelical churches are thriving today. We live in a world of uncertainty, some of which is truly uncertain and some of it is merely fearmongering. Uncertainty helps us to find religion, but all too often it is fear of the unknown that pushes us over the edge. I lived for most of my life in fear of the rapture or that I would somehow unknowingly sin, and damn my soul to eternal hell. I even worked on my weeping and gnashing of teeth. I am pretty good at it and have a side of guilt to spare even today.

Back to my hypothesis that evangelicals like being told about hell a lot: Evangelicals tend to be very anti-Catholic, but they do many things that I would consider Catholic. For instance, fundies think that confession to a priest is evil, because only God can forgive sins (forget that verse in John 20 where Jesus gave the disciples the power to forgive sins). The worst part according to the evangelical mindset is the belief that Catholics can do some "Hail Mary's" and be forgiven, but usually the sinner returns to his sins next week because he can always go to confession and be okay. But consider that in many churches there is an altar call each service for confession and repentance--all good things. But has it ever occurred to anyone that we often like to be reminded of just how sinful we are, then be given the opportunity to confess and repent, and then go about our merry way with never a thought to true discipline and change?

I think most of this goes back to fearmongering or the escapist mentality that many churches teach. I am sorry, and part of me wishes these were true, but these worries get us so far off the path that Jesus laid out for us that I am afraid soon we may not be able to even find the path. Time and time again we spend more of our time worrying about things Jesus never mentioned even one time (homosexuality or whatever) rather than spending any time on the things he mentioned over and over again (poverty, bringing the Kingdom of God to fruition).

It is easy to call ourselves Christians when we think have our theology right and are living lives untouched by the world. The hard part is acting like Jesus.

Fumbling Towards Tolerance

It has been several days since my last entry. I have often thought of things to blog about, but seldom seemed to have the time to put my thoughts into words. Since Christmas, things here have been odd. I have had weeks of paranoia, followed by weeks of great joy, followed by weeks of utter disbelief. But these are normal for me, usually. In the end, the better days have won out. Partly, this is due to my return to an exercise regime. That always makes my mood much better. In fact, this afternoon I ran four miles and burned over 1000 calories. I am determined to lose the rest of the weight I need to lose. I am determined to be sexier at 36 than I was at 26 (which would not be difficult at all).

This weekend has been one of the most child-friendly weekends we have had in a while. Friday, we took the girls out of school early and drove to Destin to see the Hannah Montana movie. I was the only man there. I guess I love my girls more than most daddies. We had a good time, with one major exception. We did not change Madeline's diaper before we got out of the van in Destin (about an hour from home) and, unbeknownst to me, she had wet through her clothes and onto my shirt and dry-clean only jacket. She had a change of clothes. I was not so lucky. I had to go to the restroom, clean my shirt and jacket, and dry off using the hand dryer. Fun. But, all was made better since we stopped for dinner at P. F. Chang's in Sandestin on the way home.

Saturday, we made our weekly trip to Target. We are boring. Sunday, after church, and after my "run" we took the girls to the Lynn Haven park. We decided not to go to the part that has the very lifelike depictions of human anatomy on the playground equipment. It really is a nice park, it is a wonder they have not done something about the anatomy lesson.

While we were at the park, Emma got to play with one of her classmates, who just happens to be Muslim. Although we live in a fairly out of the way place, we have a large Muslim population here. Most of our doctors are Muslim, many from Pakistan. I don't really remember ever coming into direct contact with Muslims until I moved to Dallas when I was 22 and lived next door to a Muslim couple. We lived about a mile or so from the largest mosque in the Dallas area and could hear the call to prayer some of the time. Once we moved to Waxahachie, we never really saw any Muslims, not really. Then we moved to the boondocks of northwest Florida and they are everywhere.

I cannot say how good I feel that my daughter has befriended a girl who is "different." Although she does not wear one to school, she did have a head covering on today. But Emma did not seem to think anything of this. They played and had a good time being girls. Nothing else. I know that one day she will be much more tolerant than I ever was as a child (or am now) because she has come into contact with other cultures and is not afraid of them. I have talked about the struggles of multiculturalism, but when we do not know any different, the struggle seems to evaporate. And isn't it amazing how more fearful we become as we age? Children tend to look at the things that are similar (okay, maybe not at first, but they sure get there quicker than adults do), rather than spending too much time on the things that make us different.

Last week I saw another protest by fundamentalist Christians in front of a clinic that provides DNA service; not an abortion clinic, mind you, just a walk-in clinic. They had their hateful signs about people going to hell and all that good stuff. I must admit I get a surge of adrenaline when I see these people, but this is usually followed by such a strong sense of remorse. I won't labor over this, but I am glad that my children will never know that type of intolerance.

Tolerance gets a bad rap because evangelicals tend to think that tolerance is just another way to say we accept everything the "heatens" do. I think this is just a cop out for not trying to understand people of divergent beliefs or of no belief system. I think it is a way to say "I am so holy because I know the truth." But how often does knowing that truth seem to be enough? Just living "holy" and keeping ourselves from the "world" is considered living a godly life. I am willing to admit that I do not always live the faith out as I should, and maybe, that is worse than having a divergent belief system or only a moral system. I wonder who is the goat and who is the sheep?

I heard a professor talking about one class that she used to teach in which students had to choose a religion to discuss. She said that they always wanted to choose Islam, because they have five major beliefs and it is easy to explain. Christians always had a hard time putting their faith into easily digestible words. This is scary to me, but I have heard this much of my adult life. Evangelicals know what they don't believe in, but what they do believe is trickier. You know, the old "we don't drink and we don't chew and we don't go with those who do."

Maybe, we have distorted the message of Jesus so much that even the "chosen" don't really know what he said. I had a parishioner come into my office and say that they used to believe something very strongly, but then they started really studying it and reading what the Bible has to say about it and they realized that it was not true. And this was a lifelong believer, who was sincere in her faith.

I guess I just want to get back to the basics of what Jesus had to say and what the authors of the New Testament thought important enough to write about, and be done with it. Well, maybe not that part about women being silent in church, or being saved through childbirth, or slaves being submissive to their masters. I'm afraid some of these folks who wrote the Scriptures were people, and not very tolerant at that.

Another Question Without an Answer

"Where could you take Jesus to church and not feel like you had to explain it to Him?"--Jim Henderson

I read this question on another blog, so I have no idea if Jim Henderson is a heretic or whatever, but I thought the question was worth sharing. Has the church moved so far from Christ's ideal that He would not recognize it now? Or would He ask why we do some of the things we do? Maybe He already is. . .

Drinking the Chalice to the Last Drop

I can't tell you how glad I am that tomorrow is a holiday. Not that I am so desperate for some time off, but I will take what I can get. It always seems like something infringes upon my day off, like a funeral or another church event. The only bad thing is that it is really cold here. I mean, it is Florida and since we have been back from Texas, we have had two hard freezes. Below freezing in Florida? I remember commenting on this phenomenon and someone reminding me we did not live in Miami. And is it interesting at all how often we hear "interesting" discussions about the validity of such a holiday when it is the only American holiday that celebrates a Christian minister, who just happened to be black? Well, that is a question for another day.

I have been reading the book Mother Teresa~Come Be My Light, and I must admit that it is a difficult read for me. I have found so many of my own questions within her early writings. After she had moved to Calcutta, but shortly after she became a Loreto nun, she wrote the following:

Surely you want some news also about me. One thing, pray much for me--I need prayer now more than ever. I want to be only all for Jesus--truly and not only by name and dress. Many times this goes upside down--so my most reverend "I" gets the most important place. Always the same Gonxha [Teresa's Albanian name]. Only one thing is different--my love for Jesus--I would give everything, even life itself, for Him. It sounds nice but in reality it is not so easy. And just that I want, that it not be easy. Do you remember once you told me in Skopje: "Gonxha, you want to drink the chalice to the last drop." I do not know if at that time, I thought as I do now, but now yes, and that joyfully even without a tear . . . . It does not go so easily when a person has to be on one's feet from morning till evening. But still, everything is for Jesus; so like that everything is beautiful, even though it is difficult.

And shortly thereafter she wrote:

Why must we give ourselves fully to God? Because God has given Himself to us. If God who owes nothing to us is ready to impart to us no less than Himself, shall we answer with just a fraction of ourselves? To give ourselves fully to God is a means of receiving God Himself. I for God and God for me. I live for God and give up my own self, and in this way induce God to live for me. Therefore to possess God we must allow Him to possess our soul.

Maybe one day I will be there, but not today. I am longing for a day when I will be able to give over all control to God, so that I can be fully His and allow Him to live for me. I wonder what freedom lies in drinking the chalice to the last drop?

I heard this great line from the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding: "Don't let your past dictate who you are but let it be part of who you become." I am still looking for the day when I will not allow fears from the past to dictate who I am now. I am encouraged that one day the problems of today will not dictate my future. And maybe that day will be the day when I can drink the chalice to the last drop . . . and be satisfied with just Jesus. Pray for me much.

The Soap Incident

Okay, so I work at a "downtown" church, or what some might call an "inner city" church. What does this mean? It means we get a lot of calls for help with bills and a lot of transitory folks who come into the church looking for a hand out before they head to parts unknown. So one day last fall, I was at the church one morning and went into the men's restroom. I "noticed" that someone was in the handicap stall. I went about my business and heard a flush. A man who appeared to be homeless (at least he had the uniform) came out of the stall and went to the sink to wash his hands. I joined him there at the next sink and began to wash my hands. Now, I want to make this plain: I am not a restroom conversationalist in the least. I smile pleasantly if someone greets me near the door or at the sink, but I prefer not to speak in the restroom at all. This is a private moment I am having, and I do not want to talk . . . ever.

Okay, back to my pointless, but true story: We are washing our hands and the man takes another drag of the soap and says: "This is some good soap!" I countered, with a chuckle: "Yes it is." Then he said it: "You know, it's important to wash your hands as often as you can, especially after you go number 2." My answer: "Well, it is important to keep your hands clean." And I left, never to see this person again.

Every time I see one of these people come in, I am reminded how little I understand about the culture around me. And I think about how much our perception of the gospel is tied to how we received it or how it was received by our community. As much as I love the precepts of the emerging church, I wonder how well some of these ideas would work in a non-white American culture. I look around at those who are interested in this movement, and they are mainly like me: a little cynical about church, though we still believe in it. Middle class, interested in the arts and weaving a conversation that involves others who are like us. Or are they people we would be like if we had not grown up in church?

Maybe this should not be cause for alarm at all. One of the main goals of the emerging church is to make the gospel available to our culture in the same way missionaries make the gospel understandable to another, alien culture. I heard this story about this non-white couple who went to see Rob Bell and were struck by how many white folks were there. Maybe the reason the emergent church works for me is because I see myself in it. Maybe I feel comfortable with it, because it reflects my longings. But do people of other ethnicities see themselves in this type of setting? Does every movement have to be multicultural to be a move of God?

I have been struggling with issues of race lately. I realize I cannot possibly understand what it is like to be a member of another race or ethnic group. As much as I try, I can only go so far. This business with the Obama and Clinton campaigns and the injection of race into the presidential campaign has only brought to light the issues we as a country still face.

I saw this movie about this African American woman who was a bright, how-powered attorney or something who ended up having a fling with her white landscape architect. At one point she was talking about some racially charged issue and he rolled his eyes. He asked her why everything had to be about black and white all the time. Her comment startled me: "You are never reminded you are white. But I am reminded I am black everyday." She went on to discuss the discrimination she felt in her firm, even though she was well-educated and well-prepared for her job. Of course, this is something I have never experienced, except when I have ventured into places where I am a minority--like the school where my wife used to teach in Dallas. She was one of five white teachers in the whole school. It was an interesting learning experience for both of us.

To be truly multicultural, we have to be willing to give up ourselves and our desires in order to give others space for their needs to be met alongside ours. I admit that, though I enjoy the idea of multiculturalism in church and in the country, it makes me nervous because I have to move beyond my area of comfort. There are times when I think I am a long way down that road, and other times I think I haven't even begun. It means sometimes I will have to be more patient to understand someone who speaks in broken English, or to understand a transitory individual's painful story, or to get dirty helping someone out. Maybe, I just need some good soap. You know, it's important.

Can You Spare Some Change?

I don't think I have ever heard the word "change" as often as I have in the last few weeks. Iowa votes one way and everyone says we are in for a change. But then there is New Hampshire and everyone is asking what changed. There are funny things afoot here.

I have often talked about change on this blog and how it is one of the scariest things for most churches and those in church ministry. For example, I was reading another blog today and they were talking about change and why it is so hard for most churches, no matter what the style of worship or the venue might be. The blogger said that there are two reasons why churches fight change: "The first stems from the mistaken idea that change in the church is wrong by principle. The second stems from a simple lack of practical knowledge as to how to positively introduce change without compromise." It seems like I hear variations on these themse often, especially when the discussion leads to the emergent church. Comments like: "Well, I think change is good, but let's not be too hasty." Or, "I like emergent ideas, but I am worried that we might begin to water down the gospel." All of this is about fear--of the unknown, of what God might do, or worse, what the people might think.

I have long said that change is one of the scariest things for me personally, but that I also thrive on it. My move here and our new life, which is about to begin its third year, was one such important change that would allow me to open doors to a new world. Granted, there have been times when I thought I would bore a hole in the doors that were shut to my old life, but in the end I still know the "change of life" was right. But to say that it was easy is an impossibility, even two years after the fact. Last week was the second anniversary of my resignation from the university (and also, being offered my current ministry position).

I have been dealing a lot with issues of control lately. Last week, I was reminded of John 3:30: "He must increase, but I must decrease." I have often thought about these profound words from John the Baptist concerning the ministry of Jesus. Imagine, a man who had an amazing ability to communicate to his generation, a prophetic voice to which many listened. He had a large following. And, yet, when asked about Jesus, John’s response: “He must increase, but I must decrease.” One of the shortest verses in the Scriptures, yet it sums up my deepest yearning. I want to strip away all that is me and be only Him. And John was willing to do this.

How often do we get involved in doing great things—for the church, for the community, for the Lord—only to realize that we were doing these things for our own purposes or because this is what we always do? John the Baptist was a messenger sent from God to prepare the way for Christ, and this was no unimportant calling. John knew the greater calling was to lead people to Christ, even though this meant that he would have to surrender his following, his glory to Christ.

Today, we are called to surrender our hopes and glories into the will of the One who called us out of darkness into His marvelous light. When we begin to follow wholly after Him, people no longer see us, but they see Him.

Getting in the Mood to Blog

I have not been in a blogging state of mind lately. Not that there has not been much to blog about. At the beginning of each year, I am always more reflective than normal, so I can't believe I have not been burning up the blogosphere. Oh well, I guess I will have to get back into the swing of things for my loyal handful of readers.

1st: I saw this sign while I was in Texas that offended me. It read: "John 14:6 says Jesus Christ is the only way to heaven." I am always offended when someone breaks down the choice to serve Christ to a heaven or hell option. Not that it is completely false, but because it is utterly ridiculous to me to think that the only reason to serve God is to escape hell. This escapist mentality that many evangelicals have gets on my last nerve, especially since it is used so often to explain why we do not care about the earth or other significant things this side of heaven. We will have our first funeral of the year tomorrow for a very congenial man who made coffee for his wife Monday morning, sat down, and never got back up. A person broke down crying in my office the other day regarding the death of an estranged child over the holidays. Every time someone dies, we are reminded that we are not entitled to live the next day and we need to be ready to meet the Lord. But it still bothers me when we make heaven so much about us and our relationship with Christ so much about our needs. We do need to know Christ to go to heaven, but wouldn't it be a wonder if we knew him and he made this earthly life an amazing experience, so much so that we had to share it with everyone--not just because they would miss out on heaven, but because they would miss out on the best life on earth possible.

2nd: I am intrigued by the media and what they never learn about polls and the presidential race. I remember after the Florida debacle of 2000 media types said they would never call a race until after all polls had closed. But why is it that the media has to know everything before they really know it? I think it is a good thing that none of the leading presidential candidates has been crowned just yet. It is better for the country if there is no clear-cut nominee immediately. This way, we get to know the candidates better. And, though I may like one candidate over another, there are still many things that most people do not know about each of the candidates, and a prolonged period in the valley of decision can only be a good thing. In a later blog I plan to talk about the role of racism in this presidential race, but that is too much for me to get into today.

I hope you have kept all of your resolutions so far. I have been much better about my diet and I have started to run again after a 3-month hiatus. I am so sore.

Peace.

Finding Normal

Well, things are finally winding down from the holiday festivities and our whirlwind trip back to Texas to visit our families. More about the trip later.

I guess since it is January 2008 I should look back at 2007 and see what I learned.

I learned I am not a southerner. Though I try, I just seem to say what is on my mind more often than I should. This is not a good southern trait. I mistakenly thought that since I was from a southwestern state that was kind of the same thing. I was wrong. I miss Texas and imagine that one day we will return. But not today (or this year, for that matter).

I was reminded that I cannot do everything I want to do. I realized that in my previous life I would overdo a lot, but I also had four months off over the course of the year. No such luck nowadays. So, I learned that I need to be careful not to overdo now because there is no break from the madness. This is also the first of my New Year's resolutions.

Another resolution I have is to be more thankful for God's gifts rather than frustrated by their timing. I am resolved to make each moment an opportunity to find God's grace rather than a reason to be anxious about things that have not been done. I want to take every opportunity to swing my children in the air rather than to waste these moments checking my email messages. And, rather than marvel at the many things we need to do, I am going to rejoice at what God is doing now.

So, my trip to Texas was interesting. I got to see most of my family, including my grandmother. I had not seen her since Christmas 2005. I had a wonderful conversation with my father's brother who is about to enter the Catholic Church this Easter. It is amazing to hear him talk about spiritual things, something I never thought I would hear. His discussion of marriage and remarriage was insightful, especially since he has had to go through the process of getting a marriage annulled in order to enter the church. He said something to the effect that if he had thought about some things earlier in his life, he would have likely done things differently. I think this is an important thing the church can do--give us a clearer picture of ourselves.

I went to the Kimbell Art Museum and saw the exhibit "Picturing the Bible" a collection of the earliest Christian art. It was good, but a little anticlimactic. I got to eat some good Mexican food, but other than this, we did little. Shopped, talked, and enjoyed being with family. I had one moment where I forgot about the last couple of years all together. I had this feeling, like a dream or nightmare, that everything was as it was before we moved. For the first time, it was difficult for me to leave. The girls were ready to get home and play with their new toys, but I was a little sad to go for several reasons. Now, back at home, I do feel at home, just a little worse for the wear. I seem to have picked up another sinus infection due to all of the different climate changes. It is colder here in Florida than it was in Texas while we were there.

Anyway, just looking forward to finding normal again is a good start for the new year.

Peace.

Taking a Deep Breath

I still cannot get used to flip flops in December, but that is my lot in Florida. I have been out of pocket the last couple of days with a sick child and my day off and so I have been wearing the Florida uniform--shorts and flip flops. Granted, I would rather it be warm like this (in the upper 70s and low 80s) than like those back "home" in North Texas and Oklahoma. I do not want to trade places with those folks.

As you know I have been busily working on all of my Christmastime musical presentations. The choir was done on Sunday evening. My senior ladies choir had two performances this week and both went swimmingly well. They are a lot of fun to work with and we had attentive, interactive audiences for our end of season performances which make the ladies sing all the better. Truth is, we rarely get this type of audience in the places we frequent--nursing homes and retirement centers. My handbell choir gave their final concert this Wednesday evening for our weekly fellowship supper. We scheduled the concert in conjunction with the weekly supper so we could guarantee a good audience and the tactic worked. We had one of the best crowds we have ever had for a handbell concert. The ladies did well and they were very generous with me.

This Sunday, the Choir is having a Christmas luncheon at the yacht club. I was really looking forward to this, but now we have a funeral on Sunday afternoon, so I will not get to go home at all that day. Church for 6 hours, luncheon for another hour or so, a funeral, and then caroling and a chili cook-off. And I thought last Sunday at 13 hours was a long day. I really only have one project left to do for the season and since I am not completely in charge of it, I am not as worried about it as I probably should be.

I am really looking forward to being on hiatus for a little while. It will be nice to see family again, and recover from this season's hullabaloo. I appreciate the idea of resting for a few moments before charging into the new year. This has been a trying last few months, but it is amazing how that when I stop, even for a few moments, I begin to get eager to be busy again. I don't know if this is because I have too much time to stop and reflect on things that I need not worry about or if it is because I truly need to be busy. I really do not know the answer. I am sure that spending Christmas with my three little angels will make all things new again.

One last thought: Has saying "Merry Christmas" become a political thing?

You know, there were 9 members of Congress who voted against officially celebrating Christmas this year, though most of these voted to celebrate Ramadan and other non-Christian holidays. I like being politically correct, but it concerns me when our elected officials continue to disdain the majority of the American populous while catering to a minority opinion. It is perfectly fine to offend a Christian in our country today. Maybe we have allowed things to get to such a point where people outside the Church have no qualms about offending Christians. Or maybe, Christmas has become so commercial, so secular? Maybe the holiday as celebrated today has become so far removed from the true meaning of Christmas, that we are easy targets for this type of discrimination? The one thing that I hate about this is that it seems like people are saying "Merry Christmas" for all the wrong reasons. I am saddened when I feel someone is only telling me this because they feel their rights have been infringed upon, not because they hope my heart is filled with Christ afresh during this season.

Well, I hope your heart is filled anew with the spirit of Christ this Christmas season, that you can sense his presence in a tangible way, that you are able to move past the commercialism of the secular holiday to find Christ afresh. Better yet, "Merry Christmas!"

The Virtue of Patience

I have never had so many people call me patient than in the last couple of weeks. I have never been a patient person and it is likely that my family would agree all too wholeheartedly on this one; but, this has been my appellation all too often lately. I am finding that dealing with people in the church is far different than dealing with people in academia. I have known this all along, it is just that this point keeps being driven home to me over and over.

So, last week was really full and as crazy as I thought it would be. Something just about every minute. Finish one thing. Begin the next task. All leading up to my Choir's presentation of Saint-Saens' Christmas Oratorio. I hired professional musicians to come in and play the strings and harp parts and we had our first rehearsal on Wednesday evening. Since we were joined by the Choir of 1st Presbyterian Church (PCA) [A PCA church is the very conservative Presbyterian church that broke away from the PCUSA over dogmatic issues] we had a very full choir loft (over 50) and organ and strings and harp. It was a tight fit but we managed well. All I can say is the rehearsal was interesting. I was already exhausted because I had driven my ladies choir to Dothan, Alabama that morning and brought them back in the afternoon. It is only 80 miles, but still a big undertaking for a never-ending day. Back to rehearsal: Let's just say that we had some alternative readings of some measures. Some looks. Some comments. Understanding nods. All of this to say, we had a few problems, but nothing that we could not work through.

Fast Forward to Sunday: So, I was at church for over 13 hours. I never left after the three morning services were over. So much to do. Instrumental rehearsal at 2:30. Rehearsal with soloists at 3:00. Choir rehearsal at 3:30. Performance at 5:00. It was a long day, but the performance went as well as possible. Overall, I was completely pleased. We had close to 300 in attendance. I was amazed a little. One of the things that I have enjoyed about my musical presentations this year is getting to work with the musical community of Panama City. I am finding solidarity with these people. They enjoy working with me and, in some strange way, validate me in a way I guess I did not realize I needed. I have always been a little uneasy around the instrumental folks. Maybe it goes back to that dichotomy between a singer and a musician, but they always make me worry. I do not enjoy conducting all that much, though I do it ALL the time and it is very natural to me, but I especially worry with conducting an instrumental ensemble. [Conducting is one of those things that I never thought I would do until I was asked to start a choir at the university. I guess I got better at it with practice.] This string quartet that I work with are easy to work with, consummate professionals, and they are always complimentary of what I do and willing to work with me again. I appreciate that. They also tell me the horror stories of church choir directors who never cue them, who do not know what a downbeat is, and the ones who conduct with their eyes closed the whole time. I am glad I am not one of those.

And, they think I am patient. And so does the choir director from the Presbyterian Church. And so does our church pianist. They do not know how I deal with some of the things that are thrown at me from a certain person who shall remain nameless. I was talking to one of the musicians after our performance and I made the comment that the reason I am so patient with this person is that I want to try to help them. I have a way with people, of being able to encourage them and, in so doing, bring out the best of them musically or emotionally or whatever. But I have not been able to get through to this person. Some have told me that oftentimes in the church, people can get so hurt that there is nothing that any one person can do for them. I mean, this person is one of those who does not even have to look for trouble. They are a magnet for troublesome situations. Everything is drama. My wife and I discuss folks like this that we know and wonder why these types of things never happen to us. Or, maybe they do, we just do not react to them like these dramatic types.

Anyway, I guess I have met my match. The musician I was talking to Sunday evening told me that I might actually be enabling this person to continue in this behavior. I never thought of myself as an enabler. Ever. I realize that my patience with this person is getting shorter. I just want to say "Grow up and be honest." But how do you do this with a person in the church? A person who is so desperately fragile, who lives in this self-pitying state? See, I understand wallowing. I wallow a lot, but in private. Even in my lowest moments, I am still functional. I dust myself off and do what needs to be done. I just want to be able to say the right thing and everything be all right. I guess the reality is that this is not possible for this person without a real touch from God. Truth is, it was much easier to say the right thing to college students because you could speak wisdom into a life not quite begun. How much harder it is to bring peace to those who have fought it for so long.

That musician Sunday night left me with this thought: Imagine how much wisdom I will have by the time I am older because I have dealt with issues like this earlier in my life/ministry. I know God gives liberally to all who lack wisdom, but I think I could stand for Him to be a little more conservative on this one. Or two, but that person is the topic for another day's blog.

So my question is: What have situations/people in the church taught you about you? What have you learned from them that has changed the way you view ministry?

P. S.: I went to the second most scary place after Wal-Mart today . . . the Christian bookstore. I mean, those people are way too happy. I barely got in the door and they were "Merry Christmasing" me. I felt like I was running for office and all I wanted to do was look for Christmas music. No luck on that count, but I got another "MC" on the way out. Again, I think I need to turn in my evangelical membership card, but where does one do this?

God's Last Name and Other "Peaceful" Thoughts

This weekend was really full. Handbells playing downtown Friday night. And a debut parade performance for Ms. Emma Keaton. She is a twirler, a Majorette at her school and she and the middle school band marched in the annual Christmas parade this past Saturday evening. It was not very cold, but we sat out in the cool for over 2 hours and she was only the 22nd in line. It was a long parade, but she did very well.

It is always interesting to watch the people who come to these events and there were a lot there. Some were passing out candy and others were collecting money. But there was one group who were passing out tracts. I got one that was called "God's Last Name is Not Damn." I thanked them for the tract. They were not proselytizing. They did not stay in one place too long. They were just passing out their literature. A woman with the longest hair I have ever see on a real-live person and three or four little boys and girls. I always enjoy getting or finding a "you are going straight to hell" tract. Not too long ago I found one in the men's restroom of a Florida state rest stop. Good times. But it does not take long for this ironic joy to turn to a slight case of the blues. These people make me sadder than anyone else on earth. And it is not just because of their fashion consciousness. I am grieved because this is what most people outside the church think of Christians, maybe what they think of me. I am sad because all of their literature is about escaping hell, and not trying to rid the earth of the hells that we can see. I am sad because if I brought this up to any one of these people, I would be considered a sinner. And maybe I am. But I am more concerned now about the world in which my children live than the world to come, not that heaven in not important. I am just trying to imagine the realities of Jesus' teachings that the kingdom of God is among us. Misty heard a few of these folks yelling the gospel at a street corner several months ago. She rolled her window down and quoted Scripture to them. They did not know what to do. I think they were disappointed that she did not cuss them out. You know, for His Name's sake.

Another thing that made me sad this week was Middle East peace conference and the state of Christians in the Holy Land. No matter where you fall on the political spectrum, I think we all desire peace. No matter what our religion is, we want our children to be safe and secure. We hear so much about Israel, but we seldom hear anything positive about the Palestinians. I read this article in the December's National Geographic Magazine about the state of Bethlehem and how the city is troubled. A hundred years ago, most of the population was Christian, but now only about a third of the population are practicing Palestinian Christians. It has been almost three years since my trip to Bethlehem but it was one of the most tense experiences I had while in the Holy Land. Our bus was boarded by members of the Israeli Defense carrying automatic weapons. They looked at our passports and miraculously allowed us to drive into the West Bank, just a few miles from Jerusalem. We were accosted by Palestinian "businessmen" who were desperate to sell anything so they could have a little money. Business is really bad. They told us so, but you knew they were not kidding. And having to deal with that huge separation wall that was beginning to take shape when I was there, is ruining most opportunities for tourism and trade with Israel. I am sad that Israel feels they need to protect themselves like this. I am sad that Christians are leaving Bethlehem by the droves. I am sad that the Palestinians are second class citizens, used as political pawns by everyone in the region.

This Christmas I am praying for peace in my own heart, in my country and in the world. I am ready for us to take Jesus' words to heart, to be about restoring creation and this world, not merely waiting for a world to come when everything will be perfect.

Peace on earth, indeed.

Don't You Wish You Had the Answers?

This week has been another one of those busier than normal weeks leading up to Christmas. I am determined not to get overwhelmed by all the things that are going on around me, but I am having a hard time selling this to myself.

Anyway, I had an interesting series of events occur this week, and they really made me question how I think God speaks to me. I admit that more often than not I am a sign seeker. It bothers me that I do this for several reasons. One, it is such a chariskooky thing to do. Second, Jesus called his generation wicked and perverse because they always asked for a sign from him. I just cannot help it sometimes. Things occur in sequence and one begins to assume this must be God's will for one's life. For instance, there had been this talk about me doing something at church and I was worried about having enough time to do this and still teach at the community college, etc.

Well, this week started with a thought-provoking sermon from our senior minister about being happy where you are. He said somethings that really struck me. For me, I understood fully that God wanted me to stop trying to cut a window in a closed door from my past. I realized how often, though I am happy with what I am doing and believe this may be exactly what I do for a long while, I still wonder about (and leave my options open to) going back to a life behind a closed door. For me, I really feel it is about my level of commitment and how much I really need to not only believe this is the right path but unabashedly plunge into swimming further down this river.

Well, back to the series of events. There was this sermon and then I went to the college on Monday to find that I was not scheduled to teach a class after all. Coincidence. I really thought this was the first confirmation that I needed to make this other potential situation at church a real possibility. So, I am thinking, "Great, God has worked this out for me." Some other issues at church had already begun to potentially work themselves out and it looked like God was a-workin' away at clearing my hazards. Only then, a big ol' road block was put in the way. The whole thing just fizzled. I was like, "God, I thought you had already worked this out for me and I was becoming okay with it, only to find out it isn't even a possibility anymore." And then, besides all of this, my first sign went away because there had been an editorial mistake and my class had been left off of the spring schedule by accident. No sign at all, just a human mistake.

I wonder how many times I have thought God was speaking to me when it was only indigestion. Or just plain kookiness or anxiety. Or, even worse, my own machinations to bring something about I want and the ability to will something into being and truly believe this was God's will in the first place. I am not going to worry about this too much, but it does make me stop and think about how I listen to God. On Wednesday, I was driving through downtown Panama City on the way back to church because I wanted to see the place where my handbell choir was supposed to play Friday night. Oddly, I had one of those "I never meant for you to work this out" moments from God. I am thankful for these times when I can see that God was already working for my good, and he didn't need a bit of help from me.

In other news, my choir had its first combined rehearsal with the 1st Presbyterian church choir this week for our presentation of Saint Saens' Christmas Oratorio this past Wednesday. It went really well and it looks like this will be a great musical offering. I am glad we are doing it as a concert rather than as a worship service, though. Again, a series of odd events led to a change in my plans that actually better suits my purposes this time.

I have found someone to help out with our youth worship team. He is young, wears flip flops and plays the guitar--really well. It is great to have someone who can do the things I cannot do and has a heart for ministry as well. I am going to learn to delegate if it kills me. I have to remember the lesson I learned years ago that as long as a ministry is being fulfilled, I can be happy even if I am not the one God uses every time.

The handbells played tonight in downtown Panama City and it went really well. We had quite a crowd and the ladies did a great job. We were afraid it would be cold tonight when we agreed to play back in September. It was 75 degrees. Afterwards, I came home and our youth minister's daughters had come over for dinner. One of their boyfriends is my biggest helper at the church. He is always willing to help out. Thank God for those people. He came over when we were done putting up the handbells and all the accoutrements and we all had dinner and watched a movie, sort of. My wife told me Wednesday that the younger daughter, who is 21, thought I was 40 years old. I think I am going to cut her.

And last, I finally got around to reading Velvet Elvis this week, mainly because a friend had gone to see Rob Bell last week. I liked it. I have talked about much of the same things that are addressed in the book on this blog. Again, it is good to read my thoughts coming from someone else's pen. It reminded me to keep looking for the divine in the mundane things of life and that even the best have off days and need someone to help them. And wondering about the things I wonder about is part of the joy and pain of the journey. Better to question things than to think you have all the answers. Who am I kidding? I would just like to have the answer to one question, let alone all of them.

TTFN

Calm Before the Storm

Well, this has been a quirky Thanksgiving week and I am taking a deep breath before the Advent season begins next week. I know everything will work out well, all of the musical programs and special services, but I am still anxious about how these things will work out. Since Madeline has been sick most of this week, we have not been able to get out of the house very much. My feelings of stir craziness may have compounded my feelings of anxiety about life beginning again, but we will see. We did brave the outside yesterday for a couple of hours to shop a little and have dinner, but it was unusually quiet for a "black" Friday. Today we put up the Christmas tree. It was Madeline's first time to really help put ornaments on the tree and that was fun. Those girls are all to cute and very enthusiastic about the upcoming holiday festivities and our pilgrimage back to Texas.

I am continually amazed by the wonders of technology and how, no matter where you hide, people find you. I had one of these experiences this week. An old friend, who I have not personally spoken to in many years, found me on Facebook. I almost literally had to pick my jaw up off the floor when I saw this name attached to a message. We got caught up as much as you can in a short space. I mean, what do you say to someone you did know well, but have not known in many years? What do you consider highlights of a twelve year period that are worth discussing? It was interesting.

What surprised me most was the fact that God used this person to speak to me--someone I had not spoken to in almost 12 years. I wrote in my last post how I really needed to have some encouragement, not always be the encourager, and God reminded me that He does send encouragers to me in ways I do not expect. Within this conversation, it became apparent that God was showing me that my life is pretty darn good, despite the aggravations I have. I worry about money. I miss my family, especially at this time of the year. And I get frustrated that I no longer have some of the conveniences that I grew accustomed to while living near a major city. These are not illegitimate concerns, but they are so minuscule in comparison to the good that has come of our new life.

I am sure that there are still growing pains that we have to live through, but I trust that we will be able to meet these challenges just as God has walked us through these last couple of years. It is still hard to believe that it has only been two years since our little Madeline was born the Sunday after Thanksgiving 2005 and we did not know then where we would be the next Thanksgiving. But looking back on these past two years, though much of it is a blur, it still seems like one of the easiest things we ever did. I guess this is one of the reasons why I become puzzled when people talk about my faith or my life seeming so perfect. I don't think I have it together and I do not think I will ever have enough faith. I think the point is God uses us, in spite of our inconsistencies or idiosyncrasies. And He reminds us all the time of how thankful we should be, if we are alert enough to hear Him speak and see Him at work in our lives.

Thank you God for reminding me that you are the good Shepherd and if I am a good sheep I will recognize your voice.

When Do I Get to Be A Sheep?

I have never thought of myself as a very nice person. I have always thought of myself as an intelligent person, but it takes a lot out of me to be nice. My family would probably agree with this all too quickly and they always wonder why people are drawn to me. My father never met a stranger, but I do not feel any compulsion to strike up conversation with people on the street. My pastor is one of these people who can make anyone feel at ease. It makes me nervous when I go visit people with him because it is so beyond my level of comfort to make conversation with people I do not know. Still, people are drawn to me for some reason. I do not think I put something out there or emit rays into the ether that scream "Tell me your story!" I guess when I ask a question, people feel like I am genuinely interested in their lives and so they tell me. I guess I am.

I never fully realized how much of my life is filled with encouraging people. I did this a lot in my former university life, encouraging and counseling with students, but I always thought that was my job. I had two things that brought this home to me over the last week or so. I met this person who is a good few years younger than me and we were talking about leadership styles and philosophies one day last week. I could tell that this person was frustrated by my unwillingness to take charge of some situations. I explained that I felt it was not my place to work out everything. Sometimes, when we allow God to work in a person's life, we do not have to work so hard ourselves. And, frankly, sometimes it is much easier for me, at least, to steer people in a way that makes them think they thought up what I wanted them to do in the first place. Sneaky, maybe, but the job gets done and I have not had to bash anyone over the head with my "leadership." This younger person really had a tough time understanding why some of my "flock" did not merely respect my authority. I laughed a little.

Second, I was at home today because my youngest little elf was sick and we needed to take her to the doctor. I guess I gave her my virus. Beginning last Wednesday I was pretty much voiceless as far as singing goes (except for this "lovely" smoker voice when I spoke). This lack of voice made for a wonderfully fun Sunday. Sunday was the BIG day for our church. We had one blended service that was an hour and a half long. It went very well and I have now officially come out of the closet to my traditional congregation as a "contemporary" musician. I had several compliments from some unexpected places. I thought that was positive. Maybe since "Dr. Keaton" thinks modern worship styles are viable worship expressions, they will come closer to accepting them in their church. Maybe. I also had a really big funeral on Sunday and our annual church charge conference. Fun.

Okay, back to my significant event. I had a former student out of the blue instant message me about a major problem that had happened to them recently. I do not know all of the issues there, but the student was expelled from the university because of an alleged impropriety. The conversation was long, but in the end I played the encourager, telling this student that sometimes we have to endure pain in order to become who we need to become and to go the places we need to go. I confided that I too had been hurt in my leaving the university, but that it has been for the best for me, for my family, and for the Kingdom. The student commented that they wished they could have as much faith as I have.

As much faith as I have. I thought about this for the longest time and I realized that I do not feel like I have much faith at all. I believe and I know, but I still wonder about faith. Most of the time I am a mess spiritually, but there are many people who look to me as a beacon of hope. "If he can do it then I know I can." And I wonder, do all in church leadership feel this way? All of the time? I know it is not just me, but I get frustrated that I have to be the one who people look to when I really need someone to look to myself. I am pleased to serve God in this capacity, but I kind of hate it too. When do I get to just be a sheep? I remember talking to my students about this type of thing. In Pentecostal and charismatic circles we tend to believe God calls everyone to ministry of some sort. I have come to believe that this is not completely true. All are called to be witnesses, but not all are called to be leaders. True, if the called leaders do not step forward, God will anoint someone else, but few are chosen to be leaders really.

This post has gone in directions I did not expect, but I think it is indicative of my thinking right now--circular and confusing and a little overwhelmed by the thought of December coming over the horizon.

Peace be with you . . . and also with me.

PS: Another thought on intelligence. You know, I have never admitted this, but I never really thought I was all that intelligent while I was growing up. I did not have to try very hard. Since I went to the school in the move Saved, it really was not necessary and I always wondered how well I would do if placed up against students at public schools in the area. [When I was a Junior in college and finally went to a state university (and later to an elite private university for graduate work) I was scared to death that I would not be well-prepared. I was prepared enough, but I had to learn a lot on my own as I went.] And, I did not think I was the smartest person in my class, even though I was the Valedictorian. I think another person should have at least been co-Valedictorian with me, and I lobbied for that (I am not sure that person knows that), but the folks who ran my school liked me (I was Assemblies of God) and wanted me to win alone. My grades were higher, and I probably won more awards, but I was not smarter, not by a long shot. Alas, it has been a few years and much water has flowed under the bridge.

PPS: My wife took our littlest angel to the doctor and she passed by a woman who was smoking outside the office. She was pregnant and holding her toddler's hand. "Excuse me, is my neck red?"

Finding the Courage to Be Happy

Well, I can say that I am glad that another Sunday has come and gone. I love what I do, but Sundays wear me out, and not just because they are often 13 hour days. Since today was Veteran's Day we had a celebration of veterans at our Traditional services. It went over very well. There is nothing like putting pictures of our church's veterans up on the big screen to make for a teary-eyed, captivated audience. I enjoyed putting this presentation together, and I got to meet several people I had not previously met. But, of course it cannot be just about doing something nice for our congregants for me. Everything has to have meaning on various levels. And, so my first question is: "How much of a place should American patriotism have in our church services?" I have trouble with this every time we have a national holiday. Do we celebrate Independence Day or Memorial Day or Veterans Day? Usually I take a middle of the road stance and do "special music" or anthems with a patriotic flavor, but our congregational hymns are normally only about Jesus. Again, it is the question of equating patriotism with religion. It worries me, but maybe I am alone in my worries. Maybe I need to get over it.

I am feeling a little homesick lately. Thanksgiving is especially hard since we live so far away from our families that we cannot spend it with them. We have a lot of folks who invite us over for lunch, but everybody does things differently and, to be honest, we would rather just spend it with ourselves than go along with other traditions. I guess it is ugly, but this is a place for the truth. We had intended to go out of town, but we have decided we spend too little time at home so we are going to stay close. When people comment about us being away for the holiday, I do not correct them.

Part of the problem I continue to have, and know will one day play a role in our decision to leave Panama City, is that we miss several cultural things about our former life. I miss Mexican food and good museums, the opera, and an airport that goes to more places than Atlanta. During our Christmas hiatus I hope to reconnect with some old friends and go to the museum. I am hoping to see this new exhibit of early Christian art from the Vatican, the Louvre, the British Museum and other international museums while we are in Texas. I am already making plans to see the King Tut exhibit over Christmas 2008 (I saw the best Tut stuff when I went to Egypt in 2005, but I would still love to see the exhibit). I have no intention to leave any time soon, but as I have said from the beginning, we no longer believe in forever. Funny thing is: the life that we miss no longer exists. This has become all too clear lately when I have visited the website of my former institution. Sounds like wonderful things are happening there. Numbers are up. I hear good things from my former students. I am even starting to miss some of the people that I used to work with. I would never want to go back . . . ever. . . but at least I would be glad to see some folks again and not feel completely awkward about it. It reminded me of a conversation I had with a colleague before I left, but after I had resigned. We were talking about years spent together and problems we saw in the institution and hopes for the future. I wondered out loud if maybe I had been part of the problem, that maybe my leaving would bring about a better fruit. You know, the whole "unless a kernel of wheat falls to the earth and dies, it bears no fruit" thing. This was answered in the negative, that I was not a part of the problem, but I still wonder some times if God does not allow us to become unsettled to give us something better and to give where we were a fresh start as well.

Speaking of students: I have been attending our weekly student recitals and some of them make we long for the good old days. Most of my students are fairly talented and they have performed well. But some of the students have just been awful. I swear, one of them the week before was special and one last week, who, I was told, could not match pitch at the beginning of the semester, sang this note in one verse of the song that did not occur in nature. It was striking, and not in a good way. Wow.

I guess I am finding the courage to be happy for once. This is really hard for me, since I am always looking to the future and wondering what will come next. This next year, I will begin the process to become an ordained deacon in the United Methodist Church. So, no turning back. I never felt like I could be ordained with the Assemblies of God. I never felt the release to do that, and it was for no tangible reason. And it is not that I completely adhere to all the beliefs of the UMC, I just feel like the time is right to become part of the clergy officially. Again, I feel there is more room for diverging thoughts on theology, within an orthodox framework, within the UMC than in my former denomination. For those of you unfamiliar with an "ordained" deacon, this is basically a member of the clergy who does not deal with sacraments, is not required to be a part of the itinerant system to which ordained elders have to submit, but has a specific vocational calling like music or counseling or education. So, it is sort of like a deacon in a Baptist or Assemblies of God church, except that you have to have a graduate degree and work full time in a specific ministry area, though not necessarily in a church setting. It should be interesting, will help to rebuild my retirement nest egg, but will require that I go back to school to take graduate theological courses. I am looking forward to this like a hole in the head, not because they will be difficult, but because I could probably teach most of the classes I will need to take. Oh well, I guess I should be thankful for small favors.

I think it does take courage to be happy. It is a choice. I plan on choosing it very soon.

PS: Isn't that the happiest baby you have ever seen? She will be two in 16 days. I am deeply troubled about this. We have removed all the baby toys since she like the big girl toys much better, and will likely take down the baby bed and replace it with a toddler bed tomorrow. I saw a 3-week old baby tonight at church and for a split second wanted another baby. Thank God it passed. Three little "angels" are enough.

Thoughts From a Busy Week

I have been out of commission in the blogosphere for the last week due to some special things going on at church. If you have ever worked at a church while in a building program, you understand my use of the word "special" to describe all the things that go into it. This Sunday we are celebrating Veteran's Day and I have put together a visual presentation of about 40 of our community veterans for the day's service. It should be nice and since we live in an area with an air force base and lots of retired veterans, this is always an important day. Next Sunday we are doing one single service (praise God!!!) to celebrate and commit to our operational budget for next year and for the building of our new family life center. I have always thought it was funny how churches call everything by a different name, a more "holy" name. Granted, this building is not just a gymnasium, but it is funny nonetheless. I will be glad when these next few weeks are over, and by few weeks I really mean through Christmas.

In other news: Pat Robertson has endorsed Rudy Giuliani for President. I think these two make strange bedfellows, but who am I to judge? I begin to wonder whether or not Mr. Robertson thinks Mr. Giuliani is a true advocate for the evangelical side of the Republican party or whether he just thinks he is electable. Since I will likely vote for a Democrat, no matter who the nominee is this next time, it is really neither here nor there to me who Pat Robertson endorses, but it still bothers me that there is no one to take up the evangelical gauntlet. Again, maybe it goes back to this backlash of younger evangelicals who feel their leaders have been too political and not focused on the faith and practice of the Church and merely become pawns of the Republican Party. Who knows?

In still other news: Republican Senator Charles Grassley has begun an inquiry into the spending practices of several high profile evangelists, including: Kenneth Copeland, Creflo Dollar, Paula and Randy White, Bishop Eddie Long, Benny Hinn, and Joyce Meyer. The inquiry focuses on how these ministries are considered churches and do not have to explain all of their spending due to to their tax exempt status. The concern is that these ministries are spending Ministry money for their own purposes. One of my favorites is the question as to how a marble-topped commode can be a ministry expense for Joyce Meyer. It reminds me of the air-conditioned dog house that Jim and Tammy had back in the '80's. It is amazing what we can justify when we believe we are doing the Lord's work. I have to believe these folks, who probably do have a gift from God, begin with the best of intentions. But I wonder how quickly the success of the presence of God and changing people's lives turns into using their money for gold-encrusted toilets? "God has blessed me, so therefore I can do whatever I want to with the money he has blessed me with."

Most of them were going to comply with the inquiry, but they all seemed to be quick to say that they would be discussing these matters with their lawyers and other "scholars." I guess we will see how these affairs play out, but I have a feeling it will lead to further investigations and maybe, heh heh, a little accountability. I think we could all use a little more accountability in the church.

Rock on, Pat.

Questions for November 1

Interesting Thought #1: Okay, so I was at the community college yesterday to teach a class and this young woman who I met several weeks ago stopped me and asked me my name. She is a music major and, though we have talked a couple of times, would have no reason to remember my name since I do not have her in class. She said she was talking to a friend the day before who was asking about all the music instructors and she asked about me, and this student's comment was, "You mean the one who sounds like a preacher?" And that was me, the one who sounds like a preacher.

I have never thought of myself as a preacher or even as a person who sounds like one, but I guess I cannot make that judgment for myself. The person who made this comment was very kind, and is starting a gospel choir so she is a believer (and dresses like one, if you get my drift), but it made we wonder about how I come across to other people. I guess this stripping away of the churchiness is a harder thing than I had thought. I guess it is a work in progress. But, is it a bad thing for a fellow believer to think that I act like a preacher? Is it worse for a non-believer to think this about me? I know that people treat you different when they think you are a minister, but I have several students now who talk to me in a way that is very "truthful" and not censored through a "preacher" mentality, so maybe it is just a fluke.

Interesting Thought #2: I saw this news segment on CNN last night about this COGIC church in Florida that is using L. Ron Hubbard's materials for drug counseling and for other studies in their church. Okay, it concerns me when members of a large Pentecostal denomination see no problem with promoting Scientology. The pastor of this church, when asked whether or not there were any things in Hubbard's writings that went against Scriptural teachings, he agreed that there some discrepancies, but also some good things to glean. Huh? I would not be as concerned, but the report said there were several COGIC churches that were doing this. It looked like they were having a small group Bible study, but they were reading L. Ron Hubbard. Scary? Or am I not being open-minded enough?

Interesting Thought #3: Is Church too girly? There has been a lot of discussion on this topic lately. I would often mention the feminine style of recent worship music. There was this song back several years ago that we would sing in chapel "Let me know the kisses of your mouth" or something to that effect that I used as an example of overly-feminine leanings in worship music. Recently, I saw a news report about this very subject and a book that has been written about how to make your church more manly, or more precisely to make your church a place where men would want to go. What do you think?

And one last thing: This is one for all of you who have multiple services on a Sunday morning. I have three services on Sunday mornings and I am usually at church before 6:30 a. m. so by the time I am getting to the third service, I have been at church forever it seems. How do you keep any energy at all for multiple, and mostly identical services? Now, granted, our middle service is different, but the other two are basically the same. My wife caught me in a weaker moment staring off into oblivion and chewing on my fingers a couple of weeks ago, and I began to realize how difficult it is to appear interested when I have been there and done that already. I know lots of folks do this, and I try to laugh at the same jokes, etc., but it is difficult. How do you make this work? I sometimes find it very difficult to make Sunday a worship experience for myself rather than just work. So add this into the mix and you see the problem.

Life is fun.

A Missional Apologetics Manifesto

I thought this was interesting since I talk about emergent/missional things quite a bit. Though my leanings toward this movement go back a goodly way, I am still fairly new to the "players."

A Missional Apologetics Manifesto:

1. Missional Apologetics applies the insights of missiology, recognizing that all Jesus-followers are called to be missionaries wherever they are.
2. Missional Apologetics emphasizes the importance of cultural studies and cross-cultural principles.
3. Missional Apologetics understands the importance of contextualization.
4. Missional Apologetics flows out of relationships.
5. Missional Apologetics employs reason, experience, and emotion, understanding the limitations of all.
6. Missional Apologetics incorporates one’s ears as well as mouth.
7. Missional Apologetics relies on the gospel lived, as well as taught.
8. Missional Apologetics requires serious reflection flowing from a mature biblical and theological foundation.
9. Missional Apologetics is engaged in by people who are lifelong learners.
10. Missional Apologetics is patient, recognizing that most people process new or difficult ideas over time.
11. Missional Apologetics recognizes that sometimes the best apologetic is an apology.
12. Missional Apologetics isn’t afraid of mystery and wonder. Rather, this compliments our understanding of a God who is immanent, yet transcendent.
13. Missional Apologetics values honesty over pretending to know it all.
14. Missional Apologetics seeks to create an environment where it’s safe to challenge, confront, and critique the Christian faith.
15. Missional Apologetics is centered on the Gospel, which is for everyone who believes. Therefore, Missional Apologetics does not discriminate.
16. Missional Apologetics is most effective in an environment where practitioners are allowed to fail, risk, dream, and imagine.
17. Missional Apologetics is comfortable with doubt.
18. Missional Apologetics is sociologically informed.
19. Missional Apologetics encourages dialogue, not merely monologue.
20. Missional Apologetics takes questions seriously.
21. Missional Apologetics is used as a tool for mission.
22. Missional Apologetics stands on the shoulders of its historical precursors, yet presses forward to contextually and relevantly apply apologetics in today’s world.
23. Missional Apologetics is humble, recognizing the role of the Holy Spirit.
24. Missional Apologetics understands it’s limitations, and that there is One Savior, Jesus Christ.
25. Missional Apologetics is ethical, and therefore uses the mind and hands to address social injustices, evil, and suffering in the world.

Missional Apologetics is dynamic, not static, as will likely be demonstrated by the additions, deletions, and revisions to this manifesto as time and relevance demands.

I like these things. And most of these beliefs are right in line with my personal theology and opinion on evangelism and what the church's worldview should be. But my question is: How do these really translate to the Church as it is now? Are these things that most churches are capable of introducing to a long-standing congregation? Or are these just pipe dreams of naive idealists? I used to think I was a pessimist, a cynic. But I realized that I was not pessimistic, but idealistic. I am saddened when the Church does not live up to its potential (or when other people miss it, or when I do), because I actually believe she can. What do you think?

The Evangelical Crack Up?

I read this interesting, and long article in the New York Times Magazine today. The article, "The Evangelical Crackup," was written by David D. Kirkpatrick, a journalist who has followed the religious right for some time. The article dealt primarily with evangelical voting trends and political soap boxes. Here are a few long excerpts from the article that I thought were particularly interesting:

"Just three years ago, the leaders of the conservative Christian political movement could almost see the Promised Land. White evangelical Protestants looked like perhaps the most potent voting bloc in America. They turned out for President George W. Bush in record numbers, supporting him for re-election by a ratio of four to one. Republican strategists predicted that religious traditionalists would help bring about an era of dominance for their party. Spokesmen for the Christian conservative movement warned of the wrath of “values voters.” James C. Dobson, the founder of Focus on the Family, was poised to play kingmaker in 2008, at least in the Republican primary. And thanks to President Bush, the Supreme Court appeared just one vote away from answering the prayers of evangelical activists by overturning Roe v. Wade."

"Today the movement shows signs of coming apart beneath its leaders. It is not merely that none of the 2008 Republican front-runners come close to measuring up to President Bush in the eyes of the evangelical faithful, although it would be hard to find a cast of characters more ill fit for those shoes: a lapsed-Catholic big-city mayor; a Massachusetts Mormon; a church-skipping Hollywood character actor; and a political renegade known for crossing swords with the Rev. Pat Robertson and the Rev. Jerry Falwell. Nor is the problem simply that the Democratic presidential front-runners — Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, Senator Barack Obama and former Senator John Edwards — sound like a bunch of tent-revival Bible thumpers compared with the Republicans."

"The 2008 election is just the latest stress on a system of fault lines that go much deeper. The phenomenon of theologically conservative Christians plunging into political activism on the right is, historically speaking, something of an anomaly. Most evangelicals shrugged off abortion as a Catholic issue until after the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision. But in the wake of the ban on public-school prayer, the sexual revolution and the exodus to the suburbs that filled the new megachurches, protecting the unborn became the rallying cry of a new movement to uphold the traditional family. Now another confluence of factors is threatening to tear the movement apart. The extraordinary evangelical love affair with Bush has ended, for many, in heartbreak over the Iraq war and what they see as his meager domestic accomplishments. That disappointment, in turn, has sharpened latent divisions within the evangelical world — over the evangelical alliance with the Republican Party, among approaches to ministry and theology, and between the generations."

I always like a quote from former President Jimmy Carter, since he is such a polarizing figure in the evangelical world. In discussing the place of America on the world stage he said:

"I think that a superpower ought to be the exemplification of a commitment to peace,” Carter told Hybels, who nodded along. “I would like for anyone in the world that’s threatened with conflict to say to themselves immediately: ‘Why don’t we go to Washington? They believe in peace and they will help us get peace.’ ” Carter added: “This is just a simple but important extrapolation from what a human being ought to do, and what a human being ought to do is what Jesus Christ did, who was a champion of peace.”

Here is another one of those, I thought I was the only one moments:

"Conservative Christian leaders in Washington acknowledge a “leftward drift” among evangelicals, said Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council and the movement’s chief advocate in Washington. He told me he believed that Hybels and many of his admirers had, in effect, fallen away from orthodox evangelical theology. Perkins compared the phenomenon to the century-old division in American Protestantism between the liberal mainline and the orthodox evangelical churches. “It is almost like another split coming within the evangelicals,” he said."

And again. he mentions one of the reasons why I wanted to be a part of a church that was interested in the here and now of our faith rather than just the eternal future:

“There is this sense that the personal Gospel is what evangelicals believe and the social Gospel is what liberal Christians believe,” Carlson said, “and, you know, there is only one Gospel that has both social and personal dimensions to it.” He once felt lonely among evangelicals for taking that approach, he told me. “Now it is a growing phenomenon,” he said.

One final quote:

“The religious right peaked a long time ago,” he added. “As a historical, sociological phenomenon, it has seen its heyday. Something new is coming.”

If something new is coming, what do you think it is? Has the religious right really seen its best days? I am really interested to see how the next year unfolds.