"Contemporary" is Such a Dirty Word

I had an interesting exchange last night during choir practice. A gentleman who is a terrific singer and someone I admire commented on the decline of church music in general. This, of course, had to do with the overwhelming changes that have occurred in pretty much every denomination with regard to the addition of a contemporary service or a "blended" service. He was concerned that the closest Christian university, which just so happens to be a Baptist college, no longer had any organ students and that Florida State University, one of the largest and most successful state music programs in the country only had ten organ majors in their entire program (up through the doctoral level).

Another choir member mentioned that several of her Baptist friends would go to their service and then go home and watch our church on television because we actually sing hymns. She also mentioned that they were not allowed to carry music with them into the choir loft because then they would not be able to clap along with the music. She said they hated this. My only comment to them was that I was aware of these issues, and how "real" music has been stripped from our culture to such a degree that most younger folks are not aware of even the most well-known classical themes. I have noticed this more and more over my years of teaching college music students and non-music majors in music appreciation courses. They are just completely unaware of any music other than their favorite. I tell them there was a time when classical music was more a part of our culture. I remember hearing so many themes taken straight out of Wagner, Rossini, and Johann Strauss in Bugs Bunny cartoons. And what about all the music in Disney's Fantasia and just the way they sang the songs in Sleeping Beauty and the like. They were some great singers. But I digress.

I did not remind my choir members that I also lead a contemporary service at our church. Most of them are only slightly aware that I do this, and this is mainly from my participation with the youth worship team during our Wednesday evening fellowship supper. Nobody pays a bit of attention to us and, though this makes me angry on a certain level, is perfectly fine with me on a more base level--I really do not want my traditional folks to know I do "contemporary" music. And why might you ask? Because we still have several folks who think that contemporary is evil, that it is the end of the church, not just church music. I primarily want to leave the boat unrocked. Again, I consider this a political-type issue and try to remain neutral as much as possible in public.

I have had some time to consider these issues, and as I have said often, I chose to go into the Methodist church for several reasons. One, because they do still have a great appreciation for classical and traditional style church music. A quick aside: It is funny to me how my definition of "traditional" has changed in such a short time. Not too long ago, my idea of traditional would have been gospel songs and old "choruses" that were the mainstay of my traditional, Assemblies of God growing up. Of course, traditional means different things to different people. And, second, because I do not think of myself as the hippest cat on the block, and I wanted to enter a world where I could dabble in areas that I do well, but not have the pressure to be the most cutting edge rocker type. In other words, I would rather be the coolest thing in a not so cool place instead of being the nerdiest thing in an all too cool place. Not very spiritual, but practical from my point of view when I was at a low and looking for something to rebuild "me."

But I am wondering if the death of one style of worship is all that bad of a thing? This has been the case throughout the history of the church. There was a time when the organ was considered evil and its introduction into the church a sacrilege. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a traditional service better than most folks. I absolutely love a good liturgy, the higher the church the better. But, when it comes right down to it, the thing that connects me to God in an intimate, rather than transcendent way more easily is going to be on the side of contemporary. Whereas, I like the organ and love to hear it played well and I like how it accompanies and makes the congregation sing out all the louder, it is not the organ that I think of when I think about "worship." And herein lies the rub: Do we so equate our music with our worship that the two cannot be removed from each other? Are we so afraid of losing what makes us comfortable that we will sacrifice being relevant to younger people?

Now, I know there are those who would say that Traditional worship is just as relevant as contemporary worship and that any age person can find God in it. And I agree with this statement. However, I wonder how well someone who did not grow up with some acquaintance with church traditions would be able to understand what we do? It doesn't mean that they cannot, it just means there are a lot of cultural barriers to their coming closer to God. Even in contemporary services there are still a lot of churchy barriers, but at least the music (for the most part) and the more casual dress of the people and the less structured feeling of the service make the harder to swallow parts easier for the average unchurched person. I think in American churches we have a hard time believing there are actually people who have no idea what we do in church on a weekly basis. Just ask someone who does not go to church at all to tell you the Biblical Christmas story or how the Easter bunny came out of the tomb on Easter Sunday and saw his shadow and went back in for another six weeks. Well, maybe that last one is a stretch.

I am just thinking a lot about this idea of bringing people to Jesus, rather than bringing them to "church." I am thinking about connecting people to Christ, rather than just counting church attendees/members. I am wondering how long I can pretend this is not my job.

A Weird Musical Posting

Okay, so I have been teaching voice lessons again for the last couple of months. I have a couple of young, private students and five that I teach for credit at the community college. It is interesting to be back in the swing of teaching and getting to know voices again. Most of my students are pretty good, which is nice. They are, for the most part, learning their music rather quickly (a phenomenon I am not used to) so we began to talk about adding to their repertoire for the semester. My first thought is to add some "interesting" American music. My old students will know that I have a certain affinity for American composers like Samuel Barber and Ned Rorem and Charles Ives. So, I brought in Barber's Hermit Songs and several Rorem songs. Well, these were not a hit by any stretch of the imagination. I only had one of the students really take to any of them. Comments were along the lines of: "Well, I've heard music like that before, I just never thought of singing them myself."

For you classical vocal aficionados: How far along in your study did it take for you to develop an ear for quirky music? I admit, the first time I heard Barber songs was when I was in high school and my voice teacher always tried to get me to sing "The Monk and His Cat" and I told him I hated it. Now, it is one of my favorite American art songs.

OK, this was a really nerdy post that does not pertain to most of my readers (all three of you), but I rarely ever post on anything musical and thought I would give it a shot. The picture above is Ned Rorem, a man who lives on Nantucket. . . really.

Ramblings and Other Rants for the Week

OK, so my oldest daughter turned eight on Saturday. It was fun and sad all at the same time. We had a good day, starting with the night before. I have trained her well. She wanted to go eat at my favorite restaurant in honor of her birthday, and who am I to tell her "No." We got her some High School Musical toys and a scooter. All good.

Sad news: We have decided to find our puppy a new home. He drives me absolutely crazy. Truth is, he is a good dog, but I am not in a dog state of mind right now. We are too busy to have a dog with our very active lives and 3 small children. The girls are not devastated. My little Liz thinks we should get a goldfish. I guess we will get over it. I will get over cleaning my brand new carpet every other day. So, if you are looking for a very cute puppy and have time to devote to him, give me a call.

Interesting news #1: I heard on Bill Maher Friday night that the most conservative of states actually lead the country in divorces, obesity, and other such issues. If Red state=Christian, then I wonder what this says about the church? Are we any different? Maybe this is the problem. The world sees us as just like them, only too full of ourselves to admit it.

Interesting news #2: Bob Jones III is supporting Mitt Romney for president. Wow.

In Churchy news: Willow Creek has done a significant study of churches and their success in connecting people to Jesus. I was glad to hear some of these things from people other than myself. Mainly the point was that churches try to take people who are far from God and make them into disciples. And we do this by giving them opportunities to participate in programs like worship services, classes, small groups, service projects, etc. But the study found that participation in programs does not produce disciples at all. We have a tendency to look at church as a one size fits all kind of experience, everyone should be involved in everything the church does. And this is great for folks who are exploring Christianity or who are growing in their new walk with Christ, but it is increasingly disappointing to people who are close to Christ or who are centered in Christ, those who would call their relationship with Christ the most important relationship they have. The church is not meeting the needs of those who are truly committed to Christ and who are close to Him. The study also found another group of people who were stalled in their walk with Christ, people who believe in Christ as their Savior, but who are not investing time with Him. Oddly enough, these folks are some very faithful church members.

The implications of the Willow Creek study are striking. Rather than asking the question: "How many people are we reaching?" we should be asking "How are the things we are doing in our church helping people to meaningfully connect with Christ?" We need to look beyond staff members and key volunteers and ask the people who are in the church what they really need and what works, and what does not work. We need to deeply listen to these folks. And, significantly, we cannot do this alone. We need to rethink all old assumptions and make changes as necessary that are informed by our research and grounded in the Scriptures.

Again, the question is: "Are we connecting people to Jesus?" Here is the link to the video from Willow Creek.

A Thief in the Night, Panama City Style

OK, I had a weird experience today. Everything has gone seriously back to normal since we returned from the Land of Enchantment, Disney style. It has rained a lot these past few days. In fact, today it pretty much rained all day and there was a tornado warning. Fun. Well, normally on Thursdays I go to church in the morning, teach a voice lesson at noon, and then go home for an hour to start my weekly laundry and other household chores that never get done until Thursday before I go pick up Emma at school. On Thursdays, we spend some time together in the afternoons and I have started to teach her piano lessons. She is doing fine, she just wants to be perfect at it without any practice. We are working on that one.

Anyway, so my story goes a little something like this: When I left home to pick Emma up at school (we live less than 2 miles from the school), I heard a tornado warning on the radio, but it was several miles away from us and moving even further away. So, no worries on my end. I get to the school and there is not very much movement. I park, get out of my car, and weave through the other cars that are parked in the pick-up line. It is raining, but not pouring by any means. I begin to notice that there are no people in any of these parked cars. The blinds are all drawn on the classroom windows. [For those of you not familiar with schools in northwest Florida, they remind me of drive-up motels. You can go directly to each classroom from outside. I think it is a little weird and I wonder about how they can really lock down the entire school safely in case crazy ensues.] And, though I have not worried about this in some time, my first thought was: "Dear God, I have missed the rapture!" I could hear that old-fashioned alarm clock going off by the side of the bed in the cult classic "A Thief in the Night." Scary. I mean that Christian dude had the worst teeth I have ever seen. ; ) I knocked on the door and eventually my wife came to the door (she teaches in the classroom next to Emma's) and let me in. The students were under lock down due to the weather. I took my little one, who will be 8 years old on Saturday, and we "braved" the weather and went home.

It is amazing to me how, no matter how old I get, or however my theology evolves, the things we learn from our youngest days tend to stick with us, or at least come back to us in times of crisis (whether real or perceived). I guess this can be both good and bad. I have no intention of debating the scriptural accuracy of dispensationalist eschatology in this blog, so I will leave it at that. Really, at this point in my life, I spend very little time [read: none at all] fearfully contemplating the end of the world. I think this is a diversion from more pressing issues, like the things Jesus talked about most--healing the sick, clothing the naked, making way for His Kingdom to come on earth as it is in heaven--those types of things.

I had an interesting exchange this week, or more precisely, near exchange over presidential politics and the upcoming election. I never talk about politics at church, especially since I am no longer the most conservative of the bunch. For the most part, I leave my thoughts out of any political conversation (and I did this time as well). I direct this senior ladies choir that sings at area nursing homes and retirement centers. At the end of each rehearsal we have a time for prayer concerns, and considering their age, this can be an extensive period. One of the younger members of the choir is not a Methodist. I am not sure where she attends church, but it is definitely a charismatic church of some sort. At the end of the prayer concerns, she gravely mentioned that we needed to pray for the upcoming election. Florida's primaries are coming up in January and "we need to pray that the right man is elected." Which, of course, was seconded by "or the right woman." This led to a slight altercation about whether or not our current president was, in fact, the right person. Anyway, I prayed that God's will would be done in us and in our country.

But I got to thinking again: Does God care who is the president of the US of A? I remember spending hours complaining about the moral woes of the Clinton administration back in the 1990s. And, though I keep it mostly to myself, I have just as many (or more) complaints about the current, "Christian" administration. I will vote for the right person, who may or may not be a man. In the end, I think that God mostly cares that we do the things that He expects of us personally. I am not convinced that the idea of a "Christian nation" is all that good of a thing (or ever was a reality in our history for that matter). I guess I can hope that the Rapture will come and we won't have to worry about it. But I have this sneaking suspicion that we will make it through the next election cycle.

Cue music: "Life was filled with guns and war . . . " Fade to white . . .

Back from the Happiest Place on Earth

Well, we had a great weekend at Walt Disney World. I will post most of our pictures on my Facebook at some point in the near future. October is a wonderful time to go to Disney. We never had to wait for rides very long and the girls, on the whole, enjoyed themselves and being with each other. Mad did not particularly care for the characters. She was a little traumatized by Tigger and Piglet at Epcot and it did not get any better with the princesses. That was fun for us. We spent Saturday at Epcot with all the folks who came for the International Wine and Food Festival. Let me tell you, we started in "Mexico" and ate there, but by the time we made it all the way around the World Showcase, there were a lot of drunk people. I was afraid my girls would learn some new sign language and some colorful turns of phrase while we rested in "Canada." They also had an exhibit honoring the 100th anniversary of Oklahoma's statehood. Sunday we went to the Magic Kingdom and it was the perfect day to go. The girls were in Disney heaven.

I can say that all in all it was a success because I did not think about work or take anything to plan while I was away. Then, of course, Monday came and we had to come back. I think I want to go to work for Disney. Well, maybe I do. I can only imagine what it is like to be pleasant to all of the people who come to Disney during the year. Kinda like working for the church, except with funny costumes and a kind word for everyone. Wait, it is just like working in the church.

And speaking of people, even though it was a small crowd, there are always interesting folks to see. It is amazing the cross section of society that comes to Disney. For instance, you have some very pretty people and then some really unfortunate folks. And some nerds that wear the silly Mouseketeer ears or worse, the Fantasia sorcerer's hats. I wanted to tell these poor, unfortunate souls something ironic and witty, but realized I was there too and did not have firm footing. Although, I never did put on ears. I always hear a lot of languages at Disney and that is fun. It seems like a lot of British folks come to WDW as well. I wonder what these folks from abroad think of all the Americanisms at Disney. I mean, the Hall of Presidents at the Magic Kingdom and the American Experience at Epcot. Of course, it is propaganda, but propaganda that we like about ourselves and how wonderful we are. I just wonder how others view it.

Well, everything is back to normal now, but I realize that I need to vacation more often than I do. If I knew it in my head before, I know it in my heart now. I can only give so much before there is nothing left to give. And that is not good for me, or my family, or for the church. Even a short vacation gave me something to look forward to last week and has given me enough zeal to make it through to Christmas (I hope).

Klingon Boggle and Other Degrees of Nerdiness

Well, I have spent most of the last week under the weather. I think I probably drove myself sick. I had another bad day on Wednesday and by nightfall I had a fever. It has been on and off since then, but I feel much better in the evenings than I do in the mornings. I have had several epiphanies over the last few days, but the biggest thing I have learned is that I need to get over myself, not take everything personally, and just get on with life. Easier said than done, but I am going to try. Sunday was good, even though I was still feverish all morning. Monday has been great. One of my biggest anxiety-inducing issues got some resolution. Thank God for small favors. I have less to do this week at church because I am going to be out of town this weekend. I am taking the fam to the happiest place on earth. If I cannot get out of the country, at least I can go to Epcot and the Magic Kingdom and have a faux-international good time. I will buy myself a lovely French chocolate pastry and blissfully go to my happy place.

I have some new favorite television shows too. I watched Pushing Daisies and it was weirdly enjoyable. It is about this guy who has the power to return someone to life for a minute. If he lets them live longer than a minute, someone in the near proximity dies. It was weird in an Amelie kind of way, you know with the weird voice over (kind of like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory in color scheme and Oompa Loompa voice over). But I liked Amelie, so that is good. I like a weirdly off-putting show.

I have liked How I Met Your Mother for some time now. I think it is one of the wittier sitcoms on television right now (which is not saying much). It is now followed by this show called The Big Bang Theory about these two quantum physics-type nerds who live across the hall from a beautiful girl who is a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory. I have never heard so many big words in a sitcom. It probably will not last, but it has the best nerd humor I have heard on a television show in a long time. The two nerds have this friend who always speaks to the girl in a different language. At one point he speaks to her in Russian and when she does not respond, he asks her something to the effect of "What, haven't you ever been told you are beautiful in flawless Russian?" "No." "Well, get used to it." Funny. It is funny to me since I think of myself as a nerd, but I discovered something very important after watching this show. There is a wide spectrum of nerdiness. There are arts nerds, and science nerds, and Star Trek (or Lord of the Rings, etc.) nerds, and on and on. I would rather be an "arts" nerd than a "science" nerd any day. Wow, at least I do not play Klingon Boggle. You know, it's Boggle. . . but in Klingon. If you are interested, and God help you if you are, here is the online Klingon Language Institute.

Getting to Know Me

"And if children, then heirs, heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ, if so be that we suffer with him, that we may also be glorified together. For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." Romans 8:17-18

I have often said that this blog has been a catharsis for me in this time that I am relearning "me." I cannot say that I am completely thrilled with everything I have come to realize about myself as a result, but at least it is allowing me to verbalize some things and, in turn, deal with them.

After my stress-filled Thursday, I took a day off from life. I went to Destin (a little more than an hour away) and checked into the Wyndham Hotel there. Nice. And very quiet. I went to the Barnes and Noble since we do not have one in Panama City and I saw a choir member. I admit, I hid until they left. I just did not want to be "on" right then. I drove by a beautiful Greek Orthodox Church that was being built when I moved to Florida and is now completed. It reminded me of a smaller version of the one in Dallas I used to visit often. I had hoped for a grand revelation from God. I did not get that, but I did figure some things out.

1. I have been angry with God for a while now, at least since He started to make me miserable in Waxahachie. It is painful to write this, and I hate that it is true. But I have to be honest here. I loved what I was doing, even in spite of the turmoil that was such a part of my last few years there. It was exactly what I wanted for my life to be (pretty much) and I still feel like it was snatched away from me. I told colleagues that if it took my leaving to bring about change there, then so be it. I did not think I was part of the problem, really; I just understood that I would not be part of the solution. I made choices and I believe with all my heart that these were God's choices, but sometimes it is difficult to give up a dream that God gave you to do something else He wants you to do. I have also been angry because I do not feel like God has taken care of everything that my family needs in order to feel truly successful in this new endeavour, so it makes me question whether I am doing what I need to be doing. Our pastor made a comment a couple of weeks ago about finding new dreams, and it was a bitter pill to swallow, since I liked the old ones so much. I guess this is what dying to self is all about. I think I hate it. But writing it down makes me feel better and closer to God in a way that is hard for me to explain. It has been like finally He can talk to me about this issue, since I now understand it well enough to verbalize it.

2. I have been reminded that I have a large support group here. This has been nice. Everyone realizes that I am going through a dark night of the soul and are very conscientious of that fact. I am thankful for all of them. I know that even though I am a long way from my family, I have the best supporters that I have ever had in my life. True friends that stick closer than brothers.

3. I need to start exercising again. I realized that my downward spiral began about the time I stopped exercising due to getting too busy. So, I decided to go back on my Medifast for a week or two and will attempt to begin running again soon. I have only gained a couple of pounds, well 3.5, but I need to nip it while it is only a couple (and I have already lost 2 pounds since returning to the fast). FYI: I heard on Real Time with Bill Maher that exercise can alter your mood as much or more than prescription medication, so I am going to have to get back to it.

4. The biggest thing I realized is that I am doing too much without any down time. I had the tendency while I was teaching to get overextended, but this was in short bursts. If I taught a big overload, I knew that it would only be for a few months and then I would have a month off or the summer off. Now, I have gotten overextended and have no opportunity for repose. So, I am going to have to figure out a way to delegate some of my responsibilities so that I do not go mad and so that I can still be a part of my children's lives.

5. Best of all, I realized again that we are where we need to be and that I need to embrace the frustrations that I am experiencing right now. I know I am not the only one going through these things, I am not alone here, and trials are a way to make us better stewards of our relationships with God and those special people in our lives. In the midst of this struggle, I am made aware of all of the wonderful things that I have as a result of being here and doing what God asked me to do. New dreams coming to fruition. I am grateful for His continued grace and compassion, thankful that He does not leave me in the midst of my frustrations.

Now, pray for me. Although I have come to some good realizations, not all of the answers are within my control or my power to change. Many of them require a real miracle in order for there to be true resolution. I would love me some resolution. Miracles are good too.

So my question is: Is it okay to be upset with things God has asked of you? Is it possible to still love God and be upset with Him? I am still totally devoted to God and to His work in this world, and I have the faith that all will work out for our good. I just wish it would already.

Peace.

Thursdays Are the New Mondays AND Remembering An Old "Friend"

This has been the most stress filled day I have had in a long time. I realized just how shallow my breaking point has become. Again, I think this is one of the clearest ways God speaks to me. He gets my attention by allowing things in my life to get so hectic, so crazy that there is nothing I can do but focus on him. At least now others know how I feel and can pray for me in a way that might actually benefit me and the work of the Kingdom. Often, I would rather just go on pretending that everything is fine and then just implode in secret. But everything is not fine. Thank God, I believe it will be. Honestly, though, I am tired of fighting, whether that be the "good" fight or any fight. I had someone tell me that I needed to have more faith. My problem is that these last couple of years have been so wonderfully draining that it is hard to fathom needing more faith to get to some resolution. I really just wish for once God would give in and allow me to know a little bit into the future so that I could stop worrying about it so much. Again, I am tired and I need God to revive me.

I woke up this morning thinking about this girl I went to school with back in Oklahoma City. She was one of the oddest people I ever met, even to this day, and that is saying a lot because I have met some real winners in my lifetime. Remember, I have a bulls eye on my back that reads: "Tell me your story." So the story goes, we went to the Christian school and were completely filled with the love of Christ at all times. We just did not show it very often. Well, not the true love of Christ. She transferred into the school when we were in 4th grade. She talked baby talk with her sister. She wore very high heeled shoes in the 5th grade. There was one day she offered to carry the lunch trays back into the kitchen while wearing said shoes and she slipped on a wet spot in the floor and fell with 30 or more trays. I remember thinking she would not have fallen if she had not been wearing those shoes. No compassion.

When we were in high school, she always read romance novels and we thought she just might end up in hell for that (forget the fact that we were condescending and judgmental). There was this one day in English class where we all got up to read our assigned short stories. She got up to read her story and it was filled with things that could have been read in various ways. But, because she was always reading things we did not approve of, we thought her story was really a "romance" in disguise. Everyone started to laugh and she ran out of the class.

I never wondered about her family life. I was usually kind because I never felt like I fit in either, but at least I was a functional nerd. Maybe no one's favorite, but usually not the last one chosen either. I only saw her one time after graduation. I had moved back home to finish college and she worked in a grocery store about a mile from where my parents were living at the time. I went in the store a few times and she would be there, but she rarely spoke to me. Once she was at the checkout counter and did not speak other than normal pleasantries (and this was someone I had known at that time for over ten years). I guess I really showed her the love of Christ so much, she just could not wait to talk to me again. Now, granted, I went through a period where I was not very interested in seeing any of my old high school friends (case in point, I did not attend my 10 year reunion because I could have cared less), a period which oddly enough ended only a few months before I moved to Florida. It was more of a period of apathy rather than of contempt. I just cannot fathom what contempt "Christian" young people can create in the lives of their peers.

I am not sorry for being a good kid with bad judgment. I do not apologize for being stupid. If I had it to do again, I would have done things differently, but that ain't gonna happen. I just look to things like this, mistakes from the past, as portals of discovery that speak to my present. I wish I could look back without seeing these painful memories, memories I caused or that were caused by others against me. But these are in fact the things that have made me who I am. Thank God for that, because for once, I am really glad to be me.

Peace

Oh yeah, the picture is of me and Tom Greene back in 1985 in Wichita, Kansas at Colonial Heights Assembly of God after I had won the Regional Teen Talent Male Vocal Solo when I was 13. Wasn't I just a-working it with the mauve bow tie?

Fear Itself

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."--FDR

How many things do we do out of fear? How many things do we not do because we are afraid of what the consequences or repercussions will be? How often do we decide not to stand for the truth because we are fearful that someone who is listening to us will make our lives more difficult?

I think most of us who work in full-time church ministry deal with this type of fear everyday. We have to pick our battles and determine what things are worth fighting for and what things are worth dropping all together. Do we have to do this because of who we are as leaders or because of who we lead? I had an interesting conversation with a colleague this week, and this is not the first conversation I have had like this. Before I decided to go into full-time church ministry, I had several people ask me if that was REALLY what I wanted to do. I told them it was and that I always felt that at some point in my professional life I needed to do this. Well, the most recent conversation went something to this effect: Me: "You know, working in the church can be interesting." Them: "I don't know how you deal with CHURCH people. I work at my church, but I don't know how you can do it full time. It would just be exhausting." I had very little rebuttal. I told this person that I worked with a lot of wonderful people, and they said, well, they are all wonderful, just difficult.

I have thought about this a good bit and I have to wonder: "Do church folks deserve the bad rap they get in the world and in the emergent arena?" I read a long thread to one of my favorite blogs this past week and it seems that many either love the church wholeheartedly and blindly, defending her with their last breath; or, they hate the church and despise her every action as the misguided steps of people who just do not get the 21st century. I guess my real question is can their be a balance between loving the church as the Bride of Christ, our mother, and still being aggravated and, sometimes disgusted with what she does (in Jesus' name)? I think that most blind church lovers think the emergents are out to destroy the church and the emergents think the blind church lovers have already done a good job of destroying the church. What is sad is I think most people on both sides love the Bride of Christ and the Bridegroom, it is just that our methods and terminologies are so different that we cannot communicate well with each other. What must this communication gap be like for those who are not in the church at all?

I am hoping to find the balance between a total love for the Church as Christ's Bride which we are commanded to do in the Scriptures and a critical spirit which is often at the fore in emergent discussion of the church. I think it is like this: I can speak about my mother all day long, but don't let me catch anyone else speaking about her in a negative way. We often speak most critically of that which we love most, that we care about most, that we want to see flourish and are disappointed when she does not exceed our expectations. Christ told us that we would do greater things, now let's stop arguing about exactly how to do those things, and just do them. Let us be willing to overcome our fear with the power of the Holy Spirit and hopefully our fear of each other will dissipate into cooperative work toward the prize, the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

Catching My Breath

Well, I am nearing the end of another hectic week that was birthed out of the last hectic week I had. This past weekend was a rousing success by all accounts. Saturday morning I gave a short seminar at a very contemporary United Methodist church in the area on "Entering the Presence of God." It was very well received and made me want to do more of this type of thing, you know, teaching and exhorting. I'm no preacher, but I could do things like this all day long. The wedding Saturday evening was probably the biggest I have seen at the church (and probably the biggest wedding I have ever been to). It was clear the couple was very special to a lot of people. Everyone enjoyed the music that we presented, but it got me to thinking about how much effort I actually put into preparing for these things. I guess I always have to have something to obsess about, so here goes.

I wonder if I ever put all of myself into anything that I do. This will sound conceited, but it does not take much of me to present a very professional, polished product. I am thankful that God has blessed me with above average intelligence and talent so that I am able to perform above expectations even when I am not giving all of myself to a certain project. Now, granted, I am a busy person and have to divide my time between six musical ensembles, music department administration, my teaching load, and my family; but I guess I am concerned that I never feel that I have given all that I could. Is it okay to give only a portion of oneself if that is good enough for most people, or worse still, more than most would be willing to give. I guess only God knows (and I know to a certain extent) what my full mental, emotional, and spiritual capacity are at any given moment.

Maybe I should stop worrying about this, but it goes back to the core of my entrance into full-time church ministry last year. Is this something that can keep my attention and focus for the long haul, or is this just an intermission in an otherwise devoted life? It is a puzzlement.

I read an interesting summary of the 2007 State of the Church report for the United Methodist Church. It read: "Laity and clergy express a high level of desire to attract more young people, ages 18 to 30, to the church, but a much lower level of willingness to change practices and invest budgets to do so." I found this very telling. I think we really believe that if we give it enough time, people's hearts will change and they will want to go to a traditional church. Sometimes this happens. I am an example of this in many ways, having grown up in a Pentecostal church where we had little if anything written down by way of liturgy that even singing the Gloria Patri or Doxology is significant to my wife. I remember when we first became Methodists she would sing the Gloria Patri all the time. It was her favorite worship song. But we did grow up in church and could see the beauty in these "new" traditions. I am not so sure that someone who did not grow up in church would so readily make the same assessments. Maybe I am wrong.

I often hear folks talk about how we need to be careful that we "preach the Word" and take a strong stand against worldliness. We definitely do not want to cater to every whim of the world. How could they know what they need when they are a bunch of sinners. This was something that we talked about in the Assemblies of God as well, so it is not something that is new to me. But my concern goes back to the cliched what would Jesus do? Well, from my reading of the Scriptures, Jesus hung around with people that I would not necessarily like. I mean, he would spend a lot of time at the rescue mission. Have you seen those people? And he met their needs. He did not ask them if they had a well-considered theology of the Messianic prophecies or if they understood the facets of the Trinity or how many angels can dance on the head of a pin. He just met their needs. He did forgive their sins, but often he did this in conjunction with meeting their more earthly needs. He fed them and healed them and often by doing so, initiated a way for them to become a part of the larger society again. And above all He was moved by compassion for them because they were like sheep without a shepherd.

The Church is meant to be that shepherd today. But if we close the gate to the pen before any of these wandering sheep can get in, or place the gate so far up the mountain, then what have we accomplished? If we place too many cultural barriers between the world and the ascended, risen Christ who just so happens to want a relationship with them, how much have we failed the world? Even worse, how much have we failed to be Christ to the world?

I love the Church. But I grow weary of fighting phantom battles. I want to fight the good fight, rather than putting out fires within the church. I fear it is possible to lose all ability to fight the right battles, because we can grow too tired from fighting the ones that never needed to be fought in the first place.

If you like the picture above, go here for more.

Just Plain Busy

I have had one of the busier weeks in recent memory this past week, only to be followed by an even busier week. I think I am going to go crazy (see picture at left). Really, this week has been very good. I had an epiphany on Saturday evening and that has made my dark night of the soul come to an end. So, even in the midst of a whole lot to do, I am content.

The weekend is what is scaring me. Beginning Friday, I have to drop off my little girls at preschool, then go teach 4 voice lessons which end at 3:00p, then I have to be back at church before 5:00p for a wedding rehearsal. Then my wife and I are going to the rehearsal dinner at one of the nicest places in the area while all three girls stay at the church for our monthly date night. Then, Saturday morning at 8:00a, I am teaching a seminar on the Presence of God at another church. Should be fun. Then I have the wedding on Saturday evening at 5:00 in which I am singing 4 songs. I never sing that many songs in a wedding.

Sunday is always fun, but this week since we have a wedding on Saturday, I had to take out all of our equipment for the contemporary service. So, I will be at the church by 6:30a at the latest to re-set things up. Fun. Then Sunday evening after I am finished practicing with the youth praise band, we will be loading up our sound equipment to get ready for a youth worker's retreat where I am leading worship Monday evening at Laguna Beach. And, interspersed between all of these events, I will have to remind my children of my name.

I guess I would rather be busy then have time to think too much. But I would like to be able to think a little.

Moments of Clarity

For the last several weeks I have felt like I was under a dark cloud. I have felt like this from time to time over the course of my adult life, wondering about direction and the like and really feeling like I was about to have to check myself into an institution. Usually this feeling is accompanied by an eating binge that starts a short trek back to inexcusably fat. By the grace of God, this has not happened and will not happen. I forget that these moments of desperation lead to greater moments of clarity. I think if I could remember the good outcome, I would not be so fretful during the dark night. But that would take away most of the fun.

I am not ready to discuss my epiphany at this point. I want to keep it between me and the Lord for right now, especially since the answer I received is not an immediate one. I remember a time not too long ago when a future answer would have troubled me almost as much as no answer at all, but I have grown up a lot since then. I had this really awful thought that I am less than five years from 40 now and that I feel so young and minuscule and like I have absolutely nothing together. And for the first time, I was not worried by this thought. I want to have it all together and I think I have been given a path to reach this point, but how long the path to get there will take is beyond my comprehension right now. For the first time, I do not feel that I need to have every answer mapped out in order to feel content. I am just glad to have some things plotted on the ever-growing map of my existence.

Saying Good-Bye to the Man

I was saddened to read today that Luciano Pavarotti died early this morning of pancreatic cancer. I do not remember a time that I did not know Pavarotti's name. When I was in high school, my voice teacher had a record of his that was autographed. I was always jealous of this and wished he would bequeath it to me. He was one of those singers whose music was so readily available that even though I grew up in a place that was not the culture capital of the world, I could still find his recordings at the Sound Warehouse. The first classical recording I bought was one of his. The first opera recording I bought was one of his. I remember just marveling at his high D's in La fille du regiment with Joan Sutherland. Absolutely amazing! His voice was so recognizable that there was no mistaking it. I remember riding through his hometown of Modena in 2001 and wondering if he was there. I remember how surprised I was to see my childhood voice instructor serving as the emcee for the Three Tenors concert in Paris now almost ten years ago--and so jealous that she had gotten to meet him. I wish that I had made a greater effort to go to the last concert he had in Dallas, but you never think the opportunity will pass forever. Although I had long become more interested in the French and German art song repertory , I will never forget the one who introduced opera and classical vocal music to me. Thanks Luciano, I will miss you.

In other personal music news: I am enjoying teaching my music appreciation class at the community college. It is fun to be with college students again. I have also started teaching six voice students and that is fun too. It is nice to be able to advise students again and help them along their musical way. I have also been asked to give a short seminar on worship at another church in the area in a couple of weeks. This should be fun, especially since they will pay me for my time.

Nothing else has really got me all in an uproar this week, so no blogs to speak of. I read a great article on Barrack Obama this week. I just wonder if someone with that name can win the general election. He is very professorial and I wonder how that will translate to the everyman voter. Do you think he is someone that a majority of voters could get behind?

Peace.

What's Wrong with Being Naive?

I had another interesting week spent in church work and teaching my course at the community college. Fun. The last couple of days were spent in the company of some beautiful young women. I am really big with the toddler set (and the over 60 set as well). I must admit that I am looking forward to some normalcy. Hopefully this will come this week since our preschool is beginning again on Tuesday and I will have steady childcare from now on. What a stressful couple of weeks. Today we took the girls over to Fort Walton Beach to a Greek Festival. We used to do this every September in Dallas. I always enjoyed it because I have had this love affair in my mind with the Greek (or Russian) Orthodox Church for over a decade now. I went and visited an Orthodox priest several years ago and I thought he was about the holiest person I had ever met. Well, this festival was in a convention center and not at a church, so it lacked some of the je ne sais quo of the one in Dallas, but it was air conditioned and I liked that a lot. We had some Greek food and pastries and looked around and left. The girls did not care for the food, but I really went for myself. I did not buy any icons or books on Orthodoxy this time. I have plenty. But it was fun to do this and remember fun times with friends back in the days before children.

I was watching Bill Maher again last night and he is always interesting (read: thought provoking, or just provoking). They were talking about why it was that Democratic candidates seem to be thinkers and Republicans seem to use more scare tactics in their platforms and that most of middle America wants to believe the Republicans and not think about much of anything. One of his panelists, John Mellencamp, asked Bill what was wrong with being naive or wanting to believe what politicians or leaders tell them. Of course, for Bill Maher, this is an unforgivable sin--to be naive or to just believe something is so because the President or whoever told us so. I have often talked about how I wish for a time when I did believe for the sake of believing. I have become disillusioned enough with our political climate that I am ready for change no matter how that comes. I must admit that though I am not a Bushite any more, I do feel bad for him since he has had to deal with the loss of so many of his closest advisers in the last few weeks. It seems like everyday there is another press conference announcing somebody else is leaving. I guess I wonder if they got to a point where they realized that nobody was listening to their advice. And I feel bad for someone who cannot compromise on anything. I am an idealist in many ways, but I have learned that sometimes the greater good is served by being flexible. This is a hard one for me, but I am learning it. I guess I wish the President could.

But what is wrong with being naive? I would like to live in a world where we can believe our leaders will tell us the truth. I think this was what the political climate was like before Nixon, though I am too young to remember it personally. I remember a quote from Oliver Stone's JFK in which he was talking about conspiracy theories leading back to Johnson and members of the CIA to kill Kennedy. It was something like: "You are talking about the President of the United States. We are supposed to believe what he says. I mean who are we supposed to believe? How do we know who our daddy is except that our mama told us?" I am not a conspiracy theorist and living 12 years in Dallas could make you one, but I do wish I could go back to this type of thought. Blissfully oblivious.

So, what is wrong with being naive? Is it okay to let people go along believing things are fine in America or in the church and not tell them the truth? Or is it better to allow people to continue on blissfully oblivious as long as they feel good about where they are, let alone the possibility of where they are going?

We Would Like to See Jesus

Here is my last article for my local church newsletter:

As the school year begins, I begin to anticipate things to come later in the fall—the Advent and Christmas season in particular. I look forward to this time each year as another opportunity to get to ponder anew how Jesus came into the world and what his life has meant to countless generations over these last 2000 years. I wonder what it was like for those early disciples to learn from Jesus personally. I wonder what it must have been like for those people who just wanted to get close to him—maybe because they thought he would heal them or that just being in his presence, all would be well in their lives. I am reminded of a passage in the Gospel of John in which some Greeks came looking for Jesus during the last Passover he spent with his disciples before being crucified:

Now there were some Greeks among those who went up to worship at the Feast. They came to Philip, who was from Bethsaida in Galilee, with a request. "Sir," they said, "we would like to see Jesus." Philip went to tell Andrew; Andrew and Philip in turn told Jesus. Jesus replied, "The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me. (John 12:20-26)

“Sir, we would like to see Jesus.” What profound wisdom we can find in these simple words. We do not know what they wanted from Jesus or if they had met him before. They just wanted to see him. I am convinced that if we can come to our worship services expecting to see Jesus we will not leave disappointed. We will, in fact, see him. Though Christ is speaking of his death in this passage, I see some significant parallels to the life of faith that all believers need to know. If we give ourselves wholly to Christ’s mission, sacrificing ourselves, we will produce much fruit. I want to be one of those whom the Father honors. I want to be one of those who follow him; one who is not afraid to serve.

My prayer for you is that we become newly aware of our place in this ministry at First United Methodist Church and, in turn, our place in the body of Christ universal. My hope is that we can each come expecting Jesus each time we enter the sanctuary. Imagine what can happen when we all come in expectation and in anticipation of his presence. The early apostles changed the world. What will we be able to do?

Bless Me Father

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.” Winston Churchill

I heard this quote on a television program last night on PBS and I have thought about it quite a bit over the last several hours. I wonder how true this statement is of our nation and of the church in America.

I tend to pay attention to what church's are advertising or the little sayings they put up on their marquees. Lately I have seen some interesting ones that have gotten me to thinking. A couple of weeks ago I saw this marquee that read: "Give your best to your church." Nothing about caring for the world or even Jesus, just give all that you can to the church. Maybe I am reading too much into this one, but it bothered me. "God has blessed us" read another. That's nice to know. Now, how are we being a blessing to others? As I was driving to work I saw an interesting marquee that read: "A caring listener is a rare treasure." This one has me baffled, since the denomination that this church represents is not known for its compassion. I enjoy being a confidant (as my personality profile suggests) and it is much easier to be one since I learned not to gossip. I think it is more that God has given me the power to be an empathetic listener and then to almost immediately forget what secret thing was just confided in me when the person leaves. I think this is a gift, maybe the spiritual gift of forgetting. Anyway.

I got to thinking about a time when I was in a real crisis of faith a few years back and wondering what direction I should take, or where the Lord would lead. I went and visited a Catholic priest because I thought that I would take a stab at the mother Church. That did not work out, clearly, but it got me to thinking about the struggles of being in full-time ministry. A full-time pastor or church staff member really has no one to confide in in most cases. He or she cannot confide to church members (who they probably see often in social situations) for fear that their secrets will be spread throughout the church. And all too often, a pastor cannot confide in colleagues or other ministers of the same denomination for fear of repercussions. If a church staff member is struggling with an issue of sin or a weight, he or she must keep up the appearance that all is well. Christians are victorious, after all and if our leaders struggle, then what does that mean for us regular folks.

When I was considering the Roman Catholic Church, one of the greatest positives about it was the rite of penance or confession. I really liked the idea of being able to go to a priest, tell him my troubles and struggles, and receive guidance and absolution. I understand that I can do this with the Lord, but it is so much easier when someone else is there to help you along. Some would tell me to confess to those I have wronged, and while it is true that I could do this, often it would open up wounds in the other person's life that never needed to be opened. I have often wondered if part of our penance for wrongdoing should in fact be having to live with the knowledge that we wronged someone, even though they do not know anything about it. In other words, I cannot confess and make myself feel better when I know it will hurt another person in the process.

I think my fear is that we all too often miss the humanity of a person in ministry because we are too focused on the spiritual side of the equation. I am reminded of stories of Bob Dylan and others who found the Lord during the Jesus Movement, but were driven away from the Church by people who expected more of them than they were able to handle. Evangelicals saw the star power of a Bob Dylan and wanted him to immediately take on the mantle of super evangelist to the world. And when he did not change his hair style and did not stop singing his hit songs, he was rebuked. And now where is he spiritually? Nobody really knows. How sad that the church often kills our wounded and eats our young. We can learn from our mistakes with people, but we do not get those opportunities back very often.

So my question is: How can we keep our standards of righteous living, without becoming so heavenly minded to be any earthly good? Maybe we can find a way to do this without trying everything else first.

Peace.

Thoughts on Fundamentalist Thought

CNN aired this interesting three-part documentary called Warriors for God this past week. Each evening's program dedicated two hours to one of the three major monotheistic religions: Judaism, Islam, and Christianity. While I thought the program was fairly unbiased, I know that many evangelicals would watch this program with disdain. There was a great interview with the author of The Myth of a Christian Nation, as well as some startling discussions with the late Jerry Falwell and Christian Zionist John Hagee.

But the interview with former President Jimmy Carter was striking to me. The program discussed how that he grew up in a Southern Baptist church and taught Sunday school and was the first "Born again" president to be elected by the religious right and the first the religious right turned against. President Carter commented on the sharp right turn the SBC had taken in the 1990s and how that he had separated himself from the church based on their stance against women in ministry and other social issues.

President Carter's most intriguing statement was something to this effect: "A Fundamentalist will never admit that he is wrong, because then he would have to admit that God was wrong." Does this mean that we cannot be assured in our faith? Or does this mean that we need to have the grace to admit that we do not always know the mind of God? Is God ever wrong or do we misjudge what the Spirit of God would say to the Church?

I have discovered that there are some Christians who would rather not be questioned about their faith, who would rather just be comforted in it. This CNN program put it clearly that for many people, the evolution debate is the crux of the faith issue. If Genesis is wrong than all the rest is wrong. I have long wondered why we get in a quandary over minutiae in the Bible, but have no problem glossing over the easy to understand portions of the Scriptures. Have we gotten so far from Christ's plan for the Church that we have become exactly who He preached against?

I wish that I had that luxury of being comforted by faith. I love the Lord and trust in Him, but I admit that I do not always trust the Church. I just wish that I could be as assured as I once was about things that really do not matter. At least then I was content in my obliviousness. And who were those sons of God and daughters of men mentioned in Genesis 6 anyway? I am afraid that if I do not find out today I will have a crisis of faith! ; )

Dark Night of the Soul

It is significant at this point in my spiritual journey that an interesting new book is being published about the faith and doubt of Mother Teresa of Calcutta. I was made aware of this book in the most unlikely of ways. I was up last night watching Bill Maher's Real Time political talk show. Now, Mr. Maher is not my favorite person in the world, and he has a real problem with people of faith, any faith. He is a devout atheist and makes no bones about his disdain for the religious right and people of faith in general. I listen to him fairly often, though, because I am interested in the views of people who do not agree with me politically or spiritually. I cannot learn about the world by speaking only to evangelical Christians. (Most of them do not live in the world anyway.) He mentioned the fact that Mother Teresa had serious doubts over about 50 years of ministry in Calcutta. She often questioned whether God was there at all. After having felt a sincere, nearly audible call to her ministry to the least of these, she almost immediately felt an almost physical barrier between herself and Christ. She often prayed, but felt no response or release. To Bill Maher, this was an indication that she had figured out that religion was ridiculous. To others of faith, this is a sign of even greater faith in the midst of serious doubt. A woman on the panel commented that most people of faith had times of sincere doubt. Mr. Maher could not understand this, but he is not a person of faith and maybe he is not supposed to understand.

I feel better in many ways to know that someone that I think of as truly celebrating the life of Christ and entering into a lifetime of true ministry had sincere doubts about God's presence in their lives. I can only imagine what it must have been like for her to see the poor and oppressed every day and wonder about God's presence in the mean streets. I can only wonder about what this might do to my faith. I have long believed, and often taught, that anything that is worth believing comes with a modicum of doubt built in. Those things that can be believed without any room for doubt are things that are not worth believing in. In this new book which includes a number of unpublished letters by the now beatified Mother Teresa, she explains her real crisis of faith. And this from a person that the world would never have believed she had doubts.

Since taking my personality test last week, I have thought a lot about Mother Teresa because she was on the list of folks who had my specific personality makeup (including Luke Skywalker, by the way). I thought, "you have got to be kidding. I am nothing like her." But it turns out she and I had this one thing in common. A sincere working out of doubt in our lives of faith. Granted, mine has been on a much smaller scale, but the questioning that she speaks of is not unlike my own. I think part of my doubts stem from issues that surround my personality type, a type which seems to have a problem evaluating accomplished goals positively. I am not saying she brought this crisis of faith upon herself, but I wonder if she might have been unable to accept positively the small steps we all must take in order to get where we need to go. She wanted to be at one with Christ in his sufferings, and, in the end, she may have gotten an answer to her prayer in a way she did not expect. She may have become at one with the suffering of Christ on the cross, when he cried, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?"

My prayer is that I can be more productive even in the midst of doubt. That I can strive to look at these struggles as God's way of completing the good work He began in me. I must remember that this is a process that will not be completed until my life on earth ends. I will never arrive at a moment when I will be finished. And that is okay.

So, my question for you is: How do your doubts play into your life of faith? Have they caused you to re-examine your core beliefs? Has this been a positive or a negative experience?

For more on this story of Mother Teresa, here is a story from Yahoo! News.

The Swinging Pendulum

I think too much. Over the past couple of years, especially since my change of life, I have given a lot of thought to what is important to me, what I really believe. I have found that many things that were once of utmost importance have become lesser players, if not out of work actors, in my life's play. Many of them are still wonderful foundational tools in my life, but some are by far greater stumbling blocks.

I realize that it was long before I left the Assemblies of God that my personal pendulum began to swing a little more to the center (and then a little more). I remember a time when I would not read anything about the Bible that was not from my own small point of view. At the college we would always point out the Baptist or, God forbid, Catholic leanings of a certain author or presentation. We knew better than to fall for those tricks of the Enemy. But I began reading some things by folks who were Jewish and other who had been Christians but had since left the fold, and their writing got me to thinking about a lot of my beliefs. And, it turned out to be a good thing for me. I learned that some things we hold dear are not all that important and that all of our faith is just that--faith. I learned that I do not have to prove the existence of God, or the resurrection of Jesus. This is beyond the point. If something is to be believed, then intrinsically, it must be something that one can doubt. There is no faith without the possibility of doubt. If there is no possibility for doubt, than there is no need for faith. So there are many things now that I will not debate because I do not worry about those things anymore.

One thing that is still a hindrance to me from my growing up is what Gregory Boyd refers to as "the myth of a Christian nation." Just like with my uneasiness to read anything that might effect my faith in the negative, I enjoyed living in the delusion that the founding fathers of our country were all evangelical Christians and that it is only a recent phenomenon that evildoers have come into such prominent places of power. Just from the description of Boyd's book, The Myth of a Christian Nation: How the Quest for Political Power Is Destroying the Church, we learn a lot:

Arguing from Scripture and history, Dr. Boyd makes a compelling case that whenever the church gets too close to any political or national ideology, it is disastrous for the church and harmful to society. Dr. Boyd contends that the American Evangelical Church has allowed itself to be co-opted by the political right (and some by the political left) and exposes how this is harming the church’s unique calling to build the kingdom of God. In the course of his argument, Dr. Boyd challenges some of the most deeply held convictions of evangelical Christians in America – for example, that America is, or ever was, “a Christian nation” or that Christians ought to be trying to “take America back for God."

The back cover states:

The Path through Politics Is Not the Road to God. When the kingdom of God is manifested, it will wear the face of Jesus Christ. And that, says author Gregory Boyd, has never been true of any earthly government or power. Through close examination of Scripture and lessons drawn from history, Dr. Boyd argues that evangelical Christians who align themselves too closely with political causes or declare that they want to bring America “back to God” are actually doing harm—both to the body of Christ and society in general.Boyd shows how Jesus taught us to seek a “power-under” kingdom, where greatness is measured by sacrifice and service. There are no sides or enemies because we are meant to embrace and accept everyone. In The Myth of a Christian Nation, Dr. Boyd challenges readers to return to the true love of Calvary and the message of the cross—setting the “power-over” politics of worldly government aside.

My concern is that when the Church becomes too political we lose our saltiness. I think this is borne out in history starting with Constantine and the Roman Empire and in the deplorable state of the state churches of Europe. Again, I think we have become too concerned with our rights and not concerned enough about the world. I just can't seem to find where the Scriptures teach us we gotta fight for our rights. Maybe you can help me out on this one.

I am looking for a day when "the kingdom of this world is become the Kingdom of our Lord and of His Christ. And He shall reign forever and ever. Hallelujah!" I just have enough faith in Christ to allow Him to do this rather than attempting to make it happen myself.

Peace.

You've Got Personality

Okay, so I took these personality tests tonight. It was interesting. They told me what I already knew about myself. But it is good to see it in print. If you want to take the tests (Myers-Briggs and the Multiple Intelligences), go here. If you want to know what mine means go here.

Enjoy.

Pressing On Without Looking Back (Too Much)

I have had a weird few weeks. And I think I have finally discovered why I seem all out of sorts. I have been taking this herbal supplement to help with my blood pressure. It has been moderate for some time now and I was trying to deal with it in a way other than getting on prescription medication. The problem with the herbal remedy is that it was not really working (after almost a month on it) and it is/was making me very anxious and paranoid. I got to thinking about the last time I really felt like this for absolutely no reason and it was the last time I tried taking an herbal supplement (then it was to lose weight). I should learn from the past, but more often I am forgetful of such things. Oh well, I will eventually get to the doctor and decide where to go from there, but at least I will be back to my normal self and not quite so paranoid. Unless you have heard from someone that I should be paranoid. ; )

We had a great Sunday morning. My wife was the guest speaker for all three of our morning worship services. Our church does a special Education Sunday each fall before school begins. Usually they invite someone from the school board or another educational official in the community. But this year they decided to ask my wife to take part and she did a phenomenal job. Remember, we are Methodists, so we think it is wonderful to have a woman speak in the pulpit. At least I do. She spoke about Jesus, the Master Teacher and what He could teach us today. She talked about prayer and love, but the most striking point of her message was about how Christ teaches us to trust Him. Faith, hope, grace--these are things we say we have, but they are abstract, and no one can really tell if you have them or not. She commented about how that she grew up in a Christian home, went to a Christian university (even has a minor in Biblical studies), has a Christian home herself, but still she really did not understand what it meant to really trust the Lord. She talked about when her mom died that she hoped for the best, but really did not trust God. That is, until a couple of summers ago when she began to consciously pray that God would help her to trust Him and to abandon her desire to control her future. What she does not know is that I, too, was praying the same thing for me and for her. It was about that time that I began to seriously talk to her about the possibility of making a major move. You know, I tried to stay where I was. I even tried to become a Baptist. That did not work. So, the moral of the story was that she began to trust the Lord, and the more she trusted the more He provided for us.

Well, I needed to be reminded of this today. I have been worried about a lot of things, especially money lately. We took a large pay cut when we moved to Florida and everything here is MUCH more expensive than in Texas. It has been a struggle for me to remain focused on the task at hand. I am grateful that God has opened up a door for me to teach at the community college and to start teaching some voice lessons to make up for my lost income. I cannot say how thankful I am that He cares enough to open doors for me to serve in my gifts, but to continue to serve in my present capacity. It is encouraging to hear the voice of the Lord speaking to me through my wife. I am just glad He is there.

In other news: I am now only overweight rather than obese. I calculated my BMI and that was the good news. I guess I should be proud, but I realize I will likely never achieve the perfect weight for my height. I think those BMI folks are crazy. And this is not my herb-induced paranoia speaking.

I have watched High School Musical 2 two times now. I am afraid that my children are rubbing off on me. I am becoming a tween. But those songs are just so darn catchy. I think I need to go to Walt Disney World. You know, it is the happiest place on earth.

We dubbed our new wirehaired dachschund Winston. He is a good little dog, only messes in the floor every other hour. He does know what outside is for, I just think he is already trying to mark territory. We will see how long I can stand that without having him neutered. He is from a champion blood line, but I really cannot fathom breeding a dog.

And last, you know you are a Methodist when you watch Star Wars and reply to "May the force be with you" with "And also with you."

Peace be with you.

The Mystery of Youthful Potential

I realize that this blog has been a whining post for me for the last few weeks, so I guess it is okay to do it one more time and get it out of my system.

I have been thinking a lot about potential lately, mine in particular. I am beginning to wonder if I have outlived my youthful potential. I guess I am wondering if I lived up to it or not. Or do I still have time to live up to it if I haven't yet?

I realize that to much of the western world, I am still very young. And it is not that I feel so old, it is just that I wonder whether we can ever know if we have lived up to what we could be, or what teachers or mentors saw in us when we were youngsters.

I had too many people tell me when I was young that I was talented or smart or pretty (just kidding). And, though this was wonderful for the childhood or teenage ego, it does a lot on the adult psyche. For instance, I had this voice teacher in high school who was one of my greatest musical roll models. In fact, though I have had better teachers since, I still look to his example for my own voice students. He told me when I was 17 that by the time I was 35 I would be a tenor. Well, I am 35 now and though most people who listen to me sing would say that I am, I really think I just fake my way through the high notes. So, did I live up to this prophecy of potential? Inconclusive.

I think part of my problem has been a fear of peaking too quickly. I have blogged about this before, but it concerns me all the more the older I get. I guess there were things that I thought would not bother me when I got older. And that was just not true. Maybe I was hoping for a great shaft of light to tell me when I arrived where I needed to go. But the truth is, I don't really think it is about arriving. I think it is about benchmarks along the journey. I think at most of these benchmarks I have been where I needed to be for those times in my life. I guess I have always put far too much pressure on myself, more than anyone else did. I remember my third grade teacher (who was a chariskook) was deeply concerned for me that I put too much pressure on myself to succeed. I think I felt that if I disappointed my family by making bad grades or acting out they would stop loving me. Clearly, I was a first child and I see this fear in my oldest daughter to a degree (and so I try to convey to her that though it seems like we expect a lot from her, we love her no matter what). It is much easier to deal with it in someone else than it is to take your own advice.

This fear of peaking too early may come not from a sense of inferiority but a latent superiority. I mean, it was really an ego boost to be able to tell people I was an college professor at age 24. It was a lot of fun to be the youngest in the crowd. And maybe this is my aggravation--that I will likely never again be the youngster on the block. And maybe that is okay. Only God knows.

I am thankful that God still works through me despite my issues or psychoses. And I have plenty of them. I would be glad to give you a little dose of paranoia if you want it. ; )

Maybe I should just scream!

Mixed Signals

Have you ever had one of those weird weeks where most things were really good, maybe too good? I have been concerned about some personal things lately, and oddly enough an answer presented itself yesterday that normally I would have been inordinately happy about. I definitely see it as an answer to prayer, more the prayers of desperation rather than the "Dear Father" kind, but answers nonetheless. And really, I am very happy to have this "resolution" to a struggle that has bothered me for many months now. I guess my leeriness comes from my love/hate relationship with change and what this resolution will do to my life. I am sure I will find out soon enough.

I have thought long and hard about the note of encouragement I received from the woman on the back row of the church this past Sunday. I believe it was a prophetic word to me that I am exactly where I need to be. Not that I was worried about that, because, frankly, I am not at all. And I know I am where I am supposed to be. It is just nice to know that God thinks so too and loves me enough to tell me through someone who has no reason to tell me something other than the truth. I am awed by the fact that God was concerned about my feelings of malaise and gave me a heavenly pick me up (or something holy and not that cheesy). And besides this note, I heard some things spoken in the church that make me feel much better about our direction and not at all alone in my concerns. Again, I believe God knew I needed to hear some of these things. Anyway, thanks.

I have heard nothing but good things about my choir party on Saturday. The choir gave me a nice card with a French theme. It was nice. It is good to be back to my fall schedule of rehearsals. I have a lot of them, but I would rather be busy doing than busy planning (which everyone I work with thinks I love, but in actuality I hate, I am just good at it). I am looking forward to next week because I will start teaching my class at the community college. I am too excited about this. I am a little nervous the closer I get to it, but it will all come back. I did it too long to forget how. I really like the folks that I will be working with at the college. They seem like a lot of fun.

We got a puppy for our little girls today. He is a wirehaired dachshund who is as yet unnamed. He is a funny little guy and seems to be getting used to us okay. The two big girls and I went to pick him up in Pensacola this morning. I did not work today because in the first 4 days of the week I had already worked a week's worth of hours (and this does not include my full day on Saturday preparing and hosting the choir reading session and dinner). This happens a lot. My work week is heavily weighted to Sunday through Wednesday. Anyway, it took us all of 2 hours to drive there (longer than I had thought). We almost ran out of gas. We were five minutes late and the woman we were supposed to meet to pick up the dog was not there at our rendezvous place. I called her and she had been in a wreck just up the street. So, we went and found her, pulled in in front of her and picked the god up. Mind you, the Florida highway patrol was behind her (and the truck that rear-ended her). I felt like I was making a drug deal (or what I think that would be like) except that the police were there. It was weird, and I had this scenario play through my mind of being shot by the police trying to pick up a puppy dog. We got him home and he is funny to play with and watch. The big girls love him. Little miss Mad does not quite know what to think of him. She will come around.

So, my question is: Is it okay to have a TV show (or movie, or music group, or book) that we love but are embarrassed to tell anyone we love it? I know it is random, but my probing thoughts for the week are either too personal this time or were answered by the Lord through people unaware of their role in God's providential care of me and my mental health.

God grant me the serenity to get over myself.

PS: I now have 89 friends on Facebook. I am still addicted, but hopefully this too shall pass. Also, if you have a good puppy name, pass it along to me. I cannot come up with a proper name for this little angel. I want something literary or artistic, but not ridiculous. And not Max.

A Vision of Hell and of Hope

To say that this last week has been interesting would be one of the world's largest understatements. It has not been bad, it has just been one of those weeks (2 or 3 depending on when this one started) that I have taken everything personally, that I have been overly tired, and that I have just wanted to stay in bed.

Case in point: I had this choir party that I was hosting this past Saturday evening. We had a Parisian theme with big visuals of the Arc de Triomphe and the Eiffel Tower on the walls, and lot of posters of Paris and art books and all manner of Parisian fare. The centerpieces were Eiffel Tower tea lights. We had our fall music reading session before and several folks who had been out and about came back to the fold and I was thrilled. The dinner was wonderful. Our pastor grilled fillet Mignon and it was delicious and I don't mean good for a church party. I mean it was good. Everything went off without a problem until I started taking down my decorations. I had this peal and stick poster of the Eiffel Tower that was taller than me and as I was taking it off, it pealed off about a foot of paint from our fellowship hall wall. Not thrilled. Not that big of a deal, but considering that I am taking everything harder than normal this week, it was an aneurysm awaiting.

Until today. We were having some issues with the computer we use for our visuals for our church services this morning. But, thankfully, that was taken care of early, before church ever began. Only thing was that our media people were training some new folks to run our visuals and about a third of the way through the service, they just went away (the visuals, not the people). Well, you must understand that we are live on television at 11:00 and I had to make the decision whether or not I was going to say something to the media people from the pulpit or just let it go. Bear in mind, all the words to the hymns are on this screen for the choir and for me. Now, I take the words with me, but I do not have them memorized by any means. So, if I have to use the words, it means I have to look down and not out to the people and to the television audience. It was not good, but I decided to say something to the media tech and within a couple of minutes it was taken care of and we did not have to go the rest of the service with no visuals for the choir and staff. I was nice and made some funny comments about being live. Thank God were not live this Sunday. By some strange grace from God our signal was not being picked up by the TV station, so we were able to edit out my comments. I think the congregation thought it was funny (several stopped me and said so, by the way), but I left feeling that there were those who were not thrilled with me for saying anything about it.

We are the FIRST Church and there are a good number of people who, by God, think we should act like we are a FIRST Church. Most First churches are like this, a little more proud of themselves than they ought to be, and I chose a First Church because I knew I would be able to communicate better with this type of church than with a more working class church. But the problem is when we act like a FIRST church, we are not accessible enough to the people of the world to engage them in a way that they will want to come along on the journey to knowing Christ. It is probably just my problem and I am likely reading more into comments that have been made.

We do have to be concerned about our reputation in the community, but I have to wonder at times whether our reputation helps us or hinders us. I remember a conversation I had with a hair stylist I went to the first couple of months I was in Florida. She was quirky as most hair stylists are. She asked me where I worked, and when I told her, she proceeded to ask me if they knew who they had hired. I said I thought they did. She said something to the effect that they must be going in a different direction over there. I took this as a compliment that I was a normal person, not a churchy person. Now, I do not think that anyone I work with is too churchy a person. We are all normal folks who love God and our community. It is difficult, though, to outlive church stereotyping. I think we are concertedly working on this and one day we will be free of this baggage.

I had a woman slip me the kindest note of encouragement today at our contemporary service. I don't think she realized how much I needed that this week. She visits every so often, but is not a member of the church. She slips in the back and worships like nobody else is there. I so appreciate it when she is here. I do not have to work for her to enter into worship. She just exudes worship. I need more of those kinds of people. I know I should be able to worship and lead in worship without a visual stimulus, but it helps so much when the congregation is more interactive. It just takes time to train people to praise the Lord, even people who really love the Lord like my congregation does.

As you can see, none of these things in and of themselves amounts to much stress. That is why it is all the more troubling to me that I would be bothered by these things. I feel foolish, but at least I have the three people who read my blog to take it out on.

I was having trouble communicating with my choir on Saturday afternoon, mainly due to the fact that I had not slept well in days. But then I had a vision of hell from the night before. It was scary and demons were all around me. It was hell all right. It was Wal-Mart. At least my children were not there to witness it. I told you I was a bit of a snob.

Peace

It's All A Masquerade

I have had an interesting week. To say the least, it has probably been my most reflective week of the year in many ways. Now, don't get me wrong, I am content to be where I am and I enjoy my surroundings and the people around me everyday. But there has been something I just could not put my finger on. I guess it is what Kathy Bates' in Misery referred to as "the blues." You know, rainy days and Mondays and all that. A lot of what I have been reading has made me very sad for the state of the church in general, and I have somewhat internalized this angst to my detriment. Another part of this moodiness has had to do with several folks in the church dealing with familial troubles of one variety or another, and this has definitely taken its toll on my mood.

I had this orientation meeting to go to at the community college this evening to discuss the grading program and other classroom technology issues. It went well and I know I will enjoy teaching the course. Again, it is a course I could teach in my sleep with very little preparation. I know it is just my mood for the week, but I wanted to cry after I left the meeting because it felt so much like home. I know I am doing exactly what I need to do right now in my life. The church has meant the world to me and has given me a new lease on life. I no longer feel that I am stuck in a place where I feel beat down and that I can't do anything else, or that I have no choice but to take it like a man cause I will be there forever. I am more than grateful for that. But, as I taught the course on worship this past July and as I began my orientation and planning for my music appreciation course this fall, I am sadly aware of how much this is a part of my being to the core. I can only say, I miss it very much.

I guess this is one of the unknown to me reasons that I have been having such a melancholy week. I have found myself reconnecting with former students who I used to see everyday, but have not communicated with in several months. (I now have over 40 "friends" on Facebook. I am a little addicted.) I guess I just needed to connect with some younger people again because I miss that SO much. Now, granted, I am working with the youth at our church now and I really enjoy that (to my great surprise), but I just miss the almost on the brink of adulthoodness of college students and helping shape them into thinking people. I am hopeful that I can make teaching a more significant part of my life again, if only in a part time manner. I hope to be an influential instructor who helps his students enjoy the subject matter even if they do not intend to major in music.

But my melancholiness reminded me of my always big concern . . . that people will see me for who I really am. And that frightens me. I think we all put on a facade, and really I don't think mine is all that veiled. But as I sat in that meeting, and remember, I have a doctorate in music, went to very good schools, and have 10 years of experience teaching in higher education, I could not help but wonder if people were looking at me and wondering "Who is this fool?" I think it was just that I was out of my element, and when it came down to it, everyone was very kind, asked my opinion (I think to the chagrin of an older colleague), and they all seemed truly pleased to have me. And I was pleased to be had. I just worry to much about change even though I thrive upon it. It is also taking me some time to get used to finding jobs based solely on my merit without the assistance of a familiar support network to fall back on. Even when I worked at other community colleges before, I always could say that I was a full-time instructor at a university and, boom I was in the club. Now, I feel like an emeritus member. Or, like an old man who talks about when he used to do something. I say this a lot, but it seems like another lifetime ago, really.

Okay, enough blubbering. I just needed to get it off my chest. I feel much better now.

I am excited about this weekend because I am hosting a Choir Fall Music Reading and Fellowship Dinner on Saturday. I started doing this last year. We sing through our new fall choral music and our Christmas presentation and have a nice dinner afterwards. This year we are singing Camille Saint-Saens' Christmas Oratorio, so our dinner is Parisian themed (the composer was French) with large visuals of the Arc de Triomphe, the Eiffel Tower, etc. It should be very nice. Tomorrow I am going to spend the day with my little angels and do something fun like go to McDonald's and play on the playground or go to the beach and vegetate. I need some not thinking time.

So, my question is: Have you visited my Facebook? Please help feed my friendship habit! I need to be loved. ; )

We're All Born Weeds

As most of you know, back in February we bought the house that we had been renting. It is a nice little house in a nice, quiet neighborhood. But it was owned by two different people before we bought the house and used as rental property, so I believe we were the fourth family to live in the house and it was built in 2003! This means that the yard was a mess, and, honestly, we only kept it mowed and did nothing with the landscaping until we bought the house. Once we closed on the home, we removed all of the landscaping and started over. It looks nice, except for the grass. We have the worst weeds I have ever seen. They are these long weeds that my "green" mover which runs by man power rather than by gas or electricity (think Mike Brady's lawnmower or Beaver Cleaver's) will not cut. So, I have to mow the lawn and then go back and pull each weed by hand. It is a tedious process, but gives me a lot of time to think while I am doing it.

I usually find myself singing this little song that I used to sing called "Weeds." This song is a horrible little Southern gospel song that I used to sing as part of a comedy group called the "Happy Goofmans," a group that parodied music in the church. We poked fun lovingly at the ridiculousness of gospel groups. We would sing about the King James Version and long hair and clothesline preaching. But the "Weeds" song was a real song and did not need any changes. It said something to this effect: "I've been changed from a weed into a flower and placed in the Master's bouquet. Weeds, we're all born weeds . . ." and so on. It was horrible and really funny with the bossa nova beat we put to it.

I also think about the parable of the wheat and the tares in which Jesus tells His disciples that the gardener would allow the wheat and the weeds to grow together and then in the end separate them from each other. I think it is hard to know which one we are sometimes. Like the sheep and the goats that the Father will judge, both are people who are planted in the same place and allowed to grow together, but one set knows the Father, and, more importantly, He knows them. The other, though they are fed together, the Father does not know.

Over the last couple of days, I have felt like a goat, primarily because I felt like I was treated like a servant, and it bothered me. It bothered me, and it bothered me that it bothered me. As much as I like to pretend that I am a servant and want only what is best for the Kingdom, I still have to admit that I am a long way from it at times. I also have to wonder whether or not my desire to be a servant is not fueled by a selfish desire to be perceived as the best Christ follower, and thereby the biggest servant or martyr or at least the facade of such. I also need to work on my patience with the church. Just because I feel that I have been enlightened to areas in which we need to grow (and I need to grow), does not mean that I have nothing to learn from the church or from my experiences in my local body. I am really struggling with feelings of superiority and it is making me very angry with myself.

Dear God, please help me to be able to serve without hesitation or reservation. Help me to use all that you teach me about the Christ-filled life as a means to bring people to you and not to make me feel better about how spiritual I can be. Amen.

Confessions of the Deranged

I have to make a confession: I am now part of the Facebook community. I feel like a freak, but it is addicting. My college students always told me I should get one, but I poopooed them. Now, they are laughing "with" me and becoming my "friends." Oh well, most of my "friends" are in the teenage and twenty-something set. So what does that say about me?

Today was my 13th wedding anniversary and we took our children to the Olive Garden since that was the first restaurant we went to as a married couple.

Other than that, the day was pretty pathetic. I guess it was just a Monday, but I have a lot of faith in Mondays. It was just a little discouraging, but you know that happens every so often. Can't have every day be wonderful.

Here is a favorite video about Methodists by the great Betty Butterfield. Unfortunately, this drag queen knows a thing about churches. You should hear what she says about . . .