Dr. Keaton's Questionable Content

Being Present

2011-06-19T19:59:00.008-05:00

So today was Father's Day. Our minister mentioned this point today, but it was on my mind first thing this morning. Why is it that on Mother's Day, the sermons are always about how wonderful mothers are, but when Father's Day rolls around, all of us fathers are a bunch of schmucks who can't get their act together? It is a wonder that fathers do not get a complex, even the best ones. I think a lot about my role as a father to three little girls. There is always something to worry about--money, school transitions, family interactions, etc. One thing I hope my children never have to worry about is my presence in their lives.

I have come to realize over the course of the last several years that a father's presence in his children's lives is a key part of their formation as adults. How they view themselves and how they experience and demonstrate love in the future has a whole lot to do with how they were loved and engaged by their fathers. Maybe I have come to this realization because there was a time when I was more concerned about "providing for them" than engaging them. I have decided that, though providing for our children's needs is an essential part of being a father, it is not even close to the most important role. Since going into full-time church ministry I have never made as much money as I did when I was teaching full time and worked at a church part time. There are things I would like to have and things I would like to give them that I probably never will. I have to remind them over and over again that sometimes the joy of going some place is being together, not buying a memento. I am sure they just love that conversation.

I grew up in a close family, but I don't think I understood what close family ties meant until I got married. My parents-in-law were both products of large extended families. They all lived very close to each other and so it made it interesting to go and visit them because, no matter where we went in town, we would run into some relative. These folks liked to talk, especially my father-in-law. They would get together and tell the same stories over and over again. It was annoying really. The stories rarely varied, and I could not figure out what the significance of telling the same stories again and again had for them. As I look back, I understand that the stories were their family currency. They did not grow up with much money, but what they had were stories, shared experiences that were very meaningful. Honestly, I wish I could hear them tell them one more time.

A family can't have stories to remember if the members are not present. Today I took my children to the zoo and we watched a movie together. We make it a priority that no matter what, we will sit down and have dinner together every night. I have known too many men in full-time ministry who have allowed their church duties to supersede their relationship with their families. I am determined to keep my priorities where they should be. What really is more important than pouring your life into your child's?

My prayer for this Father's Day: "Lord, help me to be an engaged father who teaches by example and not by absenteeism. Help me be the kind of father who makes it easier, rather than harder, for my children to call you Father. Amen."

Drink Offerings

2011-06-15T19:55:00.007-05:00

So, after the wonderfully crazy first five months of the year, I was looking forward to coasting along this summer a little bit. It is turning out to be a very productive season and, of course, that means I have more life events to over analyze. I am not an INFJ for nothing.

It has been nearly a week since I returned from our church youth choir's concert tour of Florida. We went to Melbourne, Miami, Key West, Naples, Sarasota, and Orlando. It kinda made me miss living in Florida, except the humidity which is definitely in full force there as well as here in dear ole southwest Georgia. I have to admit, I had the best time I have had in a long time. You forget when you get to a certain age how much fun, and how dramatic it is, to be a teenager. I had gotten to know some who are part of the choir because I would help out from time to time with sectional rehearsals and several of them were also in our church production of Joseph. But, you do not really get to know people until you spend 24/7 with them. I had the honor of taping doors at night and wishing all the rooms a night filled with pleasant dreams. I also got to go with them to several rescue missions, the Miami Rescue Mission being the most significant. Besides the serious work, we also had fun exploring Key West, touring the Everglades, shopping, and visiting Islands of Adventure in Orlando. I could probably blog for hours about the Wizarding World of Harry Potter (I bought a wand and a chocolate frog), but that story will have to be told another time. The nutshell version is we had a great time and I learned a lot about some very multi-faceted young people and my life is better for getting to know them.

If you are in church ministry, you realize you are in the business of people. I know this well, but I admit, there are times when I just want to do what I want to do. But something I learned long ago is that it is not about me. Nothing I do is as significant as what the Holy Spirit has in mind. By subverting my ego, I am much better able to serve the people He has led me to serve. This does not mean I do not have an opinion or desires of my own. What it means is my desires and plans are not what is important. I don't have to do everything just because I think it needs to be done. This is something that has taken me a long time to learn. For instance, I do not remember a time when I was not teaching music and working in a church. But since I moved to Albany, I have not had a desire to teach part time at a community college like I did when I was in Panama City. I think I needed to teach while I was in Florida because I was holding on to that image I had of myself as a college professor. Like I said in my last post, I no longer wake up thinking of myself that way. I believe for the first time that I do not need anything else, besides what I am called to do here. True, I have taken on projects that are not completely directed toward my music ministry (a musical, a summer Bible study, my ordination coursework), but they all relate to the greater purpose of the church in which I work. I really don't need anything else.

Now what I have learned through this process of moving to southwest Georgia is the importance of completely engaging the people I am called to serve. A little over a year ago, someone told me they were afraid that wherever I would go, I would find a way to disconnect from people. It was meant to hurt me, and I understood that, but it still worked a number on me. Our Enemy has a way of bringing people into our lives to derail us by telling us things about ourselves that are only partly true. The truth is, I am an introvert and as an introvert, I tend to need more time away from people than other, more extroverted personality types need. I battled over what this person told me for six months. And one day, the Lord just took it away from me. It was like I woke up, realized it was a lie, and decided not to live in that self-pitying place anymore. I am grateful.

The plain truth of all of this soul searching? If we are not pouring our lives into others, we are wasting our time. I cannot be worried about acclaim or prestige. I do not need someone to recognize me at the grocery store or see me on television. But if I can help one young person figure out their path, if I can be encouraging to the members of my church staff, if I can share hope with the members of my music ministry, if I can engage the community in which I live with love--then I have accomplished all that is necessary to a successful ministry. I am reminded of what the Apostle Paul said to his disciple Timothy: "As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry. For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure has come. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that Day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing."
(2 Timothy 4:5-8 ESV)

My prayer for today: "Lord, make me a drink offering that is poured out in your service and the service of others. Holy Spirit, strip away any false humility and bring every motivation into captivity to your will, that I would birth in others something of eternal value. Amen"

As we continue to learn the same lessons ...

2011-05-18T00:51:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I had a rough transition to southwest Georgia. Although, I believed without doubt that we were supposed to be here and all that stuff we Christians tell ourselves to make difficult things okay, I was not okay. I had a fairly long grieving process for the life I left in Panama City. Last fall, everyone in my new church was very supportive, but I felt more and more isolated and left to my own devices. I would pray, and I swear, God would not answer. Stone. Brass sky. Something like that. Misty and I both were a little miserable. I turned to the one thing that is always comforting to me--food. I gained 23 pounds in about 4 months. It was fun. The holidays were awful. The choir threw a party after we had finished our Christmas musical presentation and I did not feel better. I can't say how awful I felt. This is the saddest, most pathetic, most self-loathing story ever told.

But something happened January 1, 2011. I don't know if it was God or me or both of us, but things began to change. Misty and I started going to a Sunday school class and that was good for both of us. I got into rehearsals for our church production of "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" and that took up half my life for two months. The choir got gung ho about our Easter music and wanted to practice twice a week. And I had a big fundraising concert event 10 days after Easter called "Songs in the Key of Dance" to plan. I never had time to rest. And, besides all of this stuff that was going on, I decided to bring my treadmill back into the house. So I got in the habit of running a 5k six days a week and eating much less and being happy about it. And I read the Bible over and over again. Since I moved to Georgia, I read it through 4 full times. And, besides that, I had to transfer my ordination process to southwest Georgia as well. I've been busy.

It has been a very full year, one of the best and worst of my life. In a year like this, you would hope to learn something. So here is what I know now:

1. It is really hard to move to a small town where everyone is related to or has known everybody else in town since preschool. #Really hard.

2. For the first time since I went into full-time church ministry, I no longer wake up thinking I am just loaning myself out to a church before I decide to go back to the academic world. This is BIG. It means I no longer think of myself as a college professor. For the first time I think I need to be ordained because it is who I am.

3. Gaining the same weight you lost before is just hating yourself. The excuse not to exercise is always that we don't have enough time. But, I know this for sure, we have time to do everything we deem important. I am probably going to put this somewhere where I have to look at it everyday.

4. It is always better to stay busy than to let yourself have time to concentrate on what is not right in your life. So, in my summer off season, I am going on the youth choir tour to Key West, doing music for vacation Bible school, co-teaching an adult Bible study (Through the Bible in 90 Days) and taking a course in United Methodist history for my ordination.

So, if you have worried that I was not communicating with you. Cheer up. I wasn't communicating with anyone.

"But, thanks be to God who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." (I Corinthians 15:57)

Too Big for My Britches

2011-05-17T13:05:00.004-05:00

I used to be a blogger. But after the events that culminated in my leaving Florida to move to southwest Georgia almost a year ago, I decided to give it a rest. For those of you who have encouraged me to start writing again, I am still considering it. I think I am finding my voice again. Here is what I was thinking about not long after I moved to Georgia. Hopefully there will be more to come in the near future.

It has now been a few months since my last entry. I had planned to give a run down of the last few months of my life since making the decision to uproot my life in Florida and move to southwest Georgia. I have decided to leave those thoughts in the past for now. I have a really hard time moving on. I tend to let things simmer for much longer than necessary. I just don't snap out of it very quickly. I believe this is a weakness of my personality type. And, speaking of that, if I learned nothing else during my four years in Florida, I learned about personalities. This has become something of a fascination with me--attempting to understand personalities and why people do the things they do. I admit that one of the reasons I wanted to make a change was because I got tired of having to be the one who understands. Forgiveness is one thing. Being a doormat is quite another. In the end, I do believe God opened a door for me to step away from my former situation (which, for the most part was very positive) and into a new one that may just have been created for me especially.

But, to say it is the way I would have planned it, would not be true. I have talked about this over and over again, and you would think by now I would have gotten it, but God's plans are often not my plans. In fact, I have begun to believe God chooses paths for me just to reassure me of how bad my planning really is. This is especially frustrating for someone who likes to have everything mapped out months/years in advance. Why is it that I cannot do the things I really want to do? Because God has something better planned for me--something that I cannot imagine. I think about how the Apostle Paul had his life completely together and then he came to a fork in the road and was forced to make a change. How different was Paul's life from what he had planned? If someone had told me when I graduated from high school that I would be living in southwest Georgia in 20 years, I would have told them they were mad.

But here I sit in southwest Georgia, as assured as I ever have been in my life that I am where I should be. I had a parishioner ask me the other day if there were things I missed about living in Florida and I admit that there are some things I wish I had here, but those things are trivial in comparison to what I have been given by being obedient to God's call.

Last week we visited Plains, Georgia, the home of former President Jimmy Carter. Talk about a tiny little place--less than 700 residents in the entire town. We went to visit the historical site and watched a short movie about the president's life in which his wife, Rosalynn talked about their return to Plains after Jimmy's father died in the 1950s. She said she was not very happy to move back to Plains, that she liked her life, that she felt she had outgrown it. But she had gotten a little too big for her britches and she realized not long after moving back that she still had things to learn from her tiny hometown. Her statement resonated with me because I know I would not be here if God did not have something to teach me. And just when I think I have it together, God has a way of reminding me that He is the one putting things together.

"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:12-14, ESV)

Make God Laugh . . . Tell Him Your Plans

2010-04-25T12:00:00.002-05:00

About eight months ago a friend posted on his blog that he had not heard from several of his fellow bloggers in some time and wanted to reopen the conversation that we have via the internet. Since we live so far from each other, blogging had become one of our few stable means of communication. Blogging for me was cathartic and healing. I grappled with some trying issues and personal struggles and in laying down my thoughts in written form, I was able to return to them, allow them to simmer, and let them go.

But, about a year ago, I realized that the issues I was facing and the struggles which were weighing on me were too personal to share on this blog. What was meant to be a faceless working out of my inner turmoils, became a source of turmoil for me. The nutshell version is that even though professionally everything looked like things were wonderful, things were not wonderful in this little part of paradise. My music groups were doing very well. My classes were much better than they were last spring. I took 4 graduate courses toward my ordination. Everything looked good on paper. But I began to believe, whether it was true or not, that I could not comment on some of the crazy things that were going on around me. I admit, the older I get the less I like conflict and conflict and drama seemed to be all that I could find wherever I looked. At home, everything was fine, but even there I began to seclude myself in my own private shell. I knew what was happening to me, but I felt helpless to do anything about it. I knew it was bad when, over the Christmas holidays I read 15 books, including all the Harry Potter books.

I promised myself when we moved to Florida that I would never feel trapped again by my surroundings or my situation, but here I was again in the midst of something that I could not control. I really wanted to hide. And, the sad part is that few people recognized what was going on. Last September, my church began looking for a new recreation director/minister for our new building and I was put in charge of posting our open position on the national ministry websites. I admit that from time to time I would look at open positions, wondering what life might be like wherever, but it had been quite some time since I had done this. So, when I started posting our open position, I also started to look at what might suit me better. Purely hypothetically, I had no intention of sending out resumes or seriously looking for anything new. It was September for Pete's sake. The girls had just started school. I looked anyway.

I came across a posting for a church in Albany, Georgia. I had to Google map it to figure out where it was. I was not really impressed, but I felt this odd compulsion to find out more about it. I sent in an inquiry email with a few questions. They responded back in all the appropriate ways, so I sent in a resume. I did not even attach references to this resume because I was not interested. I just really wanted another church to be interested in me. I would feel better about myself and get on with my life here. Pathetic. Well, later that week I got a call from this church asking for my references. I was in a quandary. Do I send them my references when I know I cannot possibly make a change now? I decided I could not and I told them to take my name off the list of potential candidates. It was done and over and that was that. Or so I thought.

About two weeks passed and I was going on my merry way when I got an email from someone I did not know. He said he was the youth pastor at the church in Albany. Oddly enough, he was a former Pentecostal as well. He told me that he and his wife had moved to Albany from a larger city a couple of years earlier. They were not really interested in moving, but were compelled by friends to come for a visit. They loved it. But, they could not get away quickly either and the church was willing to wait for them nine months before they were all in residence in Albany. I was in a bit of shock. He said that if I really felt like the timing was off that was fine, but if I was at all interested, I should resubmit my name because the church was willing to wait for the right person whenever it was right for everyone. I resubmitted my name and sent in references.

I admit that even doing this, I did not think anything would come of it. I think I was in such a low state that I could not see past my own existence to fathom that God might have a hand in all this. The funny thing is that I was so casual about all of this that I never told Misty until I resubmitted my name as a candidate. Let's say, she did not think it was all that funny. We got to looking at the town and schools and she got a little worried. Her main question was "Why there?" We have talked often about the possibility of a change in the future, but we always talked about moving to a bigger city, rich in culture, etc. This was definitely not what we were looking for. I told her not to worry about it. I did not want to move there anyway. I just wanted some encouragement. So we left it at that and months passed.

In December, my liaison to the search committee told me the church wanted me to come for a visit in January. I did not respond. Things were crazy in December at the church and they only got crazier in the new year. I finally responded to his email and told him I would not be able to come for a visit until early February. Their committee was okay with this and they sent me a packet of stuff to prepare for my visit. Well, things got even crazier at the church and I really felt like I would not be able to make a visit to Albany, but I began to realize that I would not remain in my current position much longer. Something just had to give. So, I called my liaison and talked to him about some things that I needed to know about his church and decided to make the trip after all.

What is funny about this whole process is that even with all of these signs pointing toward this little city in southwest Georgia, I still was not ready to say this was it. I had an interview with another church via telephone the night before I drove to Albany. It was in a nice church not very far from my old home. It was a great interview. I liked them. They liked me. We were on the phone for almost two hours.

As I drove into Albany the next morning, I thought to myself . . . the other church is the one. I think this church deserves a good interview, but I am just going to be myself and maybe not all that nice. What have I got to lose? This is not going to be a good fit. Misty really did not care for the place and was pretty adamant that this was not it, so I was prepared with some very pointed questions.

Then I met the staff and the committee and I cannot tell you how much at home I felt. It was kind of awful and wonderful. Most of the people I met seemed like old friends. It was astonishing. I still asked the questions. But I felt like I got the answers I needed. When I called Misty that night to tell her, she seemed different. She was okay with what I was telling her. Within a few days of my visit, she told the girls we might be making a move. You about had to pick me up off the floor. Within two weeks we went back to Albany to show the girls the town and the church. We had a great time. All the girls liked it. Two weeks later they offered me a job.

I admit that over the course of the first two months of this year I spent more time in prayer and daily Bible reading than I had in some time. I read through the Bible in 65 days. I cried more than I have in years. It seemed that I was only at peace when I was praying or reading the Bible. My family was praying for this whole situation, for a resolution to my personal crisis. And I believe the resolution has presented itself. Whereas we have enjoyed our time in Panama City, we are looking forward to a new chapter that will begin in the next couple of months.

I read this article in GQ this past month in which an odd source encapsulated my feelings about this entire period of searching: "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans." I have long been a planner and I even now I still want to know everything ahead of time. I am having to remind myself that because God has been so faithful throughout this process, I have nothing to fear. But I do hope you will pray with us as we make this transition.

Breaking Radio Silence

2009-06-03T13:20:00.003-05:00

It has been over a month since I last blogged. May 2009 is the first month in a couple of years which has gone without comment from me here. I have been in a weird mood for the last several months that has made me not want to give my opinions on anything of validity in written form.

After my trip to Texas, I have been in a funk that I have not been able to get myself out of very easily. I do not think anything in particular is wrong, nor do I think I am ready for a move. I just think I am beginning to notice things around me that bother me more than I have let on. Part of the problem is that not everything I do fills my life with meaning. For most people, this would be a shake the dust off, get back on the horse, get over it moment. For me, it is a crisis because I need everything in my life to be filled with significance. I cannot merely go through the motions of my life, I need for each event to be filled with layer upon layer of meaning.

Some of this soul searching, I am sure, has to do with the normal letdown after Easter. But some of it has to do with those things that I feel make me who I am. My semester at the community college was not good. I absolutely hated my class and I dropped more than half of my voice students for absenteeism. I am finding more and more that my classes are filled with people who have no clue. They do not read. They are not even particularly well-versed in pop culture. If it is not on a reality program, they probably do not know anything about it. I have complained about this seeming lack of knowledge skills in younger folks these days at length before, but, for the first time, I began to question my ability to communicate with young adults. I have always felt like my ability to deal with college-aged people was one of my greatest gifts. I have consistently been able to find ways to speak into the lives of people who were on the cusp of becoming. But this ability seemed to evade me this semester.

Even worse, I began to doubt my interest in music. Always having to explain why I like the kind of music I like, why I spent my life learning about it, and why I feel the compulsion to perform and teach was wearing me out. I had not felt like that since I was much younger and less assured of myself. I was beginning to think maybe I would do something else in the years to come. I was starting to look at my upcoming coursework for ordination as a means to another, nonmusical end. I have never ever seriously considered the possibility of doing something other than music. True, there was a time when I was so unhappy in my old life that I thought about becoming a postal worker. I like mail. I got over it.

But here I was, thinking it might be nice to do something else, all because I was not receiving some kind of elusive validation that I needed. This is not to say that I do not receive validation here, because that is essentially untrue. I get a lot of validation from my church members and the members of the music ministry. For instance, I had a member of my choir mention to me a few weeks ago that they worried about what would happen after I left the church. I chuckled and told her that she did not need to worry about that. But she continued, indicating that she worried about it quite a bit. She mentioned some differences between me and the former music director and then she was on to another topic of conversation. Funny thing, this was the second conversation in as many days that basically has the same content. "You are not going to be here forever. What will happen then?"

I guess I should take this as a compliment (and I did). I just did not realize that people were already placing bets as to when I might leave the beautiful emerald coast. Granted, I have never thought of this sojourn as a forever deal, but I never realized it was obvious to those around me. Maybe this is because I live in a pretty transient part of the world. Many military folks come into Panama City and leave within a couple of years for other assignments, so no one is here forever unless they are here to retire. Or maybe it is what it is and I'll leave it at that. I will worry about times and seasons another day.

In other news~School is out finally for all our little angels. Madeline finished her preschool class without burning down the building. She is a bit moody and her teachers reminded me of this often. They just don't understand. Elizabeth got through Kindergarten in one piece. She told us that she would likely never see her teacher again, but her teacher goes to church with us, so she may have been premature in telling us this. Emma took her first FCat exam and made a perfect score on the math portion. She did not get this ability from her dad. She did not, however, make a relief map of the Holy Land which was my favorite part of third grade. I will have to plan to make one with her this summer.

Next week I begin my first two classes toward ordination. I decided to try to transfer in some courses and Asbury is allowing me 18 hours of credit, 6 hours of which will go fully toward the requirements for ordination. By the end of the year, I should be half way finished with my required courses. I just have to decide how much further I want to go after I finish those 30 hours or so. I may even be provisionally ordained by this time next year. Let's hope.

Angels and Demons

2009-06-02T09:08:00.001-05:00

I read an interesting essay in today's New York Times by Dennis Overbye regarding the relationship of science and religion. This topic is at the forefront of the movie and book Angels and Demons by Dan Brown. For much of my life I saw these two arenas as mutually exclusive or, more precisely, science was a means to bunk religion. I may no longer hold to this hypothesis, but I know many still battle with synthesizing faith and science.

Here are a couple of excerpts from the article:

"The church advertises strength through certitude, but starting from the same collection of fables, commandments and aphorisms — love thy neighbor; thou shalt not kill; blessed are the meek for they will inherit the Earth — the religions of the world have reached an alarmingly diverse set of conclusions about what behaviors, like gay marriage, are right and wrong."

"In science the ends are justified by the means — what questions we ask and how we ask them — and the meaning of the quest is derived not from answers but from the process by which they are found: curiosity, doubt, humility, tolerance."

I particularly liked this process of curiosity, doubt, humility and tolerance, and the idea that the process is just as substantial as the answer. If you would like to read the essay for yourself, a link is provided below.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/02/science/02essay.html?th&emc=th

Kingdoms

2009-04-23T09:26:00.003-05:00

I don't know about you, but as I have written before, I do not like change very much. Granted, this is often not expressed in my life choices, but it is true all the same.

Since my trip to Texas, I have been pondering the idea of kingdom. Most of the time when I speak of kingdom, I am talking about the Kingdom of God and how it is demonstrated or not in this world. Today, I am speaking of another type of kingdom, the kind of kingdom we set up around us to make us feel significant and the lengths to which we will go to make sure this kingdom stands. I have set up kingdoms in my life to make me feel more important, whether the people around me knew they were a part of it or not.

I had a youth pastor back in the day tell me that having a "platform" was important and that I should continue to cultivate the "platform" I had created while growing up in Oklahoma. I did not take his advice, though I thought it was probably true. Even back then, God had a way of making me miserable when I did not do the things I should. God has a way of forcing me out into the world whether I want to go or not. A few years down the line, I wondered if I had done the wrong thing and considered the possibility of running back to my place of origin to recreate my lost kingdom. Of course, that kingdom no longer existed, but it made me feel so important.

The most significant kingdom I set up was the one I left three years ago. It was one of the hardest places to leave because it made me feel even more significant than the older one. I stayed longer than I should have because I could convince myself that I was affecting lives for the Kingdom, that I was doing a great work, all those wonderful godly things. But I was building a kingdom for myself. And, though God's picture was on the wall, He was not always at the heart of my kingdom, or even always a part of it. I was very angry with people, with God, especially God, for destroying my kingdom. I still toil with this one, even though I know God calls us to sacrifice that which we love most in order to be refashioned into His image.

What makes me sad, is that I know there are people who have played a significant role in my life, who are still the captives of their own kingdoms. And the irony is this: they think they are in control of their kingdom, that since they created it or better yet believe God created it for them, they are in the right to continue to cultivate their kingdom. Sometimes this means hurting other people. Sometimes it means doing whatever is necessary to defend the borders of our kingdom.

I had someone defend their kingdom from me once and I have never been hurt so much. I had no inclination to pull down even the facade of their kingdom, but questions lead to defensiveness and defensiveness leads to an attack. Attacks lead to casualties and I was one. I realize now that this was part of the process of God destroying my kingdom and I am grateful for that. It continues to be the greatest act of change that God has brought about in my life, and though I still struggle with the repercussions of it (that is what sacrifice entails) I continue to live in assurance that God is here with me on the back side of the moon. But I worry about the fall that may come to the one whose kingdom was greater than mine.

Now, how is your kingdom holding up?

The Blog Blues

2009-04-20T14:25:00.002-05:00

If you haven't noticed, I have not posted anything of consequence to my blog in quite some time. Part of this has been because I have been really busy with Lent and Easter. Part of it is that I have not been in the mood to blog. Lots of things to talk about, but no energy to put my thoughts together. I guess I have the blog blues. Maybe I just have the blues.

Part of my problem is a lot of things are about to change around me and I never like that. Getting to know new people is always more energy draining for me and I kind of just wish I could just have people read my vitae and then act like we have known each other forever. You know, there is always that period of time in which you have to determine how much of yourself you can share with someone new. I find this a most difficult part of the process of getting to know someone, since I have to decide how much of a threat the new person is to me, and whether or not they are trustworthy enough to get to know more of me than most people know.

For example, I have a student who said I was hard to get to know. They knew my opinions on things, but did not really know me. Like, for instance, they wanted to get me a little something for my birthday last month, but had no idea what I would like. Is this weird? This student's concern was that because I have a broad base of interests and have been to a lot of different places, I may not be able to enjoy a simple gift. I think I like simple things above all, but how would they know? Is this a problem? Should I give more of myself in relationships?

My biggest problem with this conversation was that I think the people who count most to me, know how I feel about things and know what I like. Does everyone I know, or deem worthy, need to know everything about me? I think it is a matter of give and take. My closest friends did not learn of my quirky thoughts about certain topics the day I met them. It is a process. And there are some people that I feel I could never tell all of my thoughts because they would think I was evil. Maybe I am not giving them the benefit of the doubt, but I hear a lot from people, and painfully hear the subtext of too much of what people say (without actually saying it) to think that it is safe to share all of me with everyone. Is this even appropriate in a teacher-student relationship?

Even in my earlier life, I listened a lot and told stories from my life which were relevant to the situation at hand, but never felt the need to tell someone my favorite color or whether or not I like coil art (I do, of course).

Anyway, speaking of students, I went to Texas this past weekend to sing for a former student's wedding. This was the first time I had seen several of my former students since moving to Florida three years ago. I was excited and very reluctant all at the same time. There were those people I would love to see and some I could stand to wait a few more years to see. I think God must have known that I was not ready to see some folks, because they did not show up to the wedding. But I got to see a lot of people who were glad to see me and understood why I made the life change that I did. It was weird though to be back in those shoes once again. I was not completely comfortable, but tried my best to never let on.

I understand vaguely what it may be like when my daughters get married. This student was one of my favorites, and I believe, the only student that has ever gotten me to sing for their wedding. I met her in 2003 in Washington, D. C. She came in to audition for a scholarship. Immediately, she had all this personality and talent, and I just loved her. I was a young, but I felt very fatherly toward her and over the next few years she came to our house quite a bit, watched our girls, was friends with my wife, etc. We loved her and her friends. She and her little group were very difficult to leave, and I realized yet again how much of a sacrifice it was to give them up. Sacrifice is the total gift of something you love. Because of this, it made it all the harder to make this journey back in time. As long as I am here on the other side of the moon, I am too busy to face the grief. But returning, even for a good reason, was painful. I am glad I did it, but I was very glad when my plane touched down in northwest Florida again.

I do not mean to say that I want to go back, because I do not. I have found a home in the United Methodist Church and I look forward to starting classes this summer for my ordination process. I think that my mood might be better if this all had not come right on the tail of Easter. I am just exhausted from all of it really. Over the eight days of Holy Week, I had fifteen services. Absolutely crazy. And one of them was not at my own church. I sang for Easter Vigil Saturday evening at a Lutheran church. I left after an hour and 45 minutes. Granted, I had to be up before 4 am for our Easter sunrise service. And Good Friday service was all the choir pretty much, so it was a long week, followed by preparations for the wedding and travel to and from.

And you know how there is such a letdown after a big event. Anyway, I am looking forward to clearer skies and minds.

How have you been?

Jesus is an Elephant?

2009-04-13T21:16:00.001-05:00

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Bart Ehrman

colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

NASA Name Contest

Jesus, Sort of . . .

2009-03-27T16:19:00.000-05:00

Concert Wrap Up

2009-03-24T21:14:00.002-05:00

Well, this past weekend was a marathon. Last Friday evening I had my last rehearsal for the Vaughan Williams' Five Mystical Songs before I performed them with the Pro Arte Chorale. I am glad that I allowed myself to be talked into singing these songs because it gave me a musical diversion from my normal fare. For the last three years, I have sung/performed/ministered in music constantly. I have never sung so much in my life, and that is hard to believe. In many ways it has been absolutely wonderful because, if I ever needed an appreciative audience/congregation, I have found it here. Granted, there are not a lot of exceptional performers here, especially in classical circles, so it is not hard to be one of the best. But it does make one feel good, if that is what one is seeking. But the truth is, I have gotten into a rut of singing mostly the same music, you know, for weddings and funerals, and worship music is not challenging in the least, so it was about time I did something noteworthy.

Problem is . . . it has been several years since I was really in the habit of singing challenging music, like close to ten years. The last time I gave a full classical vocal recital was in the fall of 1999 and the last time I had a real teacher was in 2000. So, I was out of practice and the choice of literature was very difficult, probably one of the more difficult song cycles I have ever performed. I mean, I would have rather performed a Schubert song cycle, all twenty songs worth. The range was not much to speak of, not much more than an octave, but the tessitura of these songs was really high for a baritone, so there was no down time. Thankfully, only four of the songs were for soloist, so I got to just listen to the chorale sing the final song.

Anyway, so I rehearsed Friday evening, performed the first concert Saturday evening, and had all my regular duties Sunday morning (three services, plus a lot of clean up/set up from a wedding the night before) before I drove to Santa Rosa Beach for the final concert Sunday afternoon. The first performance was fine, but I felt much more comfortable with the songs the second time around. I did get paid at least, so all the work was not in vain. Everyone was very pleased with my performances. One commented that the performance was like a night at the opera. Whatever. I really am my worst critic.

After the concert, I met the girls at Red Robin in Panama City Beach and we did a little shopping and came home. I never oversleep, but I was so tired the next morning that I woke up thirty minutes late. And, to top off an already zombie like Monday, I ended up having to sing for a funeral that afternoon. So 2 performances and 4 services in less than 48 hours.

The songs were based on five poems by George Herbert (1593-1633). Here is the text in its entirety:

Five Mystical Songs

Easter
Rise heart; thy Lord is risen.
Sing his praise Without delays,
Who takes thee by the hand,
that thou likewise With him may'st rise;
That, as his death calcined thee to dust,
His life may make thee gold, and much more, Just.

Awake, my lute, and struggle for thy part
With all thy art.
The cross taught all wood to resound his name
Who bore the same.
His stretched sinews taught all strings, what key
Is best to celebrate this most high day.

Consort both heart and lute, and twist a song
Pleasant and long: Or since all music is but three parts vied,
And multiplied; O let thy blessed Spirit bear a part,
And make up our defects with his sweet art.

I Got Me Flowers
I got me flowers to strew thy way;
I got me boughs off many a tree:
But thou wast up by break of day,
And brought'st thy sweets along with thee.

The Sun arising in the East,
Though he give light, and the East perfume;
If they should offer to contest
With thy arising, they presume.

Can there be any day but this,
Though many suns to shine endeavour?
We count three hundred, but we miss:
There is but one, and that one ever.

Love Bade Me Welcome
Love bade me welcome: yet my soul drew back,
Guilty of dust and sin.
But quick-ey'd Love, observing me grow slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning,
If I lack'd anything.

A guest, I answer'd, worthy to be here:
Love said, You shall be he.
I the unkind, ungrateful?
Ah, my dear, I cannot look on thee.
Love took my hand, and smiling did reply,
Who made the eyes but I?

Truth, Lord, but I have marr'd them: let my shame
Go where it doth deserve.
And know you not, says Love, who bore the blame?
My dear, then I will serve.
You must sit down, says Love, and taste my meat:
So I did sit and eat.

The Call
Come, my Way, my Truth, my Life:
Such a Way, as gives us breath:
Such a Truth, as ends all strife:
Such a Life, as killeth death.

Come, My Light, my Feast, my Strength:
Such a Light, as shows a feast:
Such a Feast, as mends in length:
Such a Strength, as makes his guest.

Come, my Joy, my Love, my Heart:
Such a Joy, as none can move:
Such a Love, as none can part:
Such a Heart, as joys in love.

Antiphon
Let all the world in every corner sing,
My God and King!

The heavens are not too high,
His praise may thither fly:
The earth is not too low,
His praises there may grow.

Let all the world in every corner sing,
My God and King!

The church with Psalms must shout.
No door can keep them out:
But above all, the heart
Must bear the longest part.

Let all the world in every corner sing,
My God and King!

Crisis of Faith

2009-03-24T16:38:00.006-05:00

I don't know about you, or how you remember things, but I tend to remember feelings better than actual events. This can be good and bad. It is good in that I remember what it felt like to be a certain age or to have something happen to me, so I am better able to help someone who is going through a similar situation now. It is bad for the same reason. This talent does not always make the transition to my faith life. Whereas, I do remember all the crises God has helped me through, I tend to not be able to go the next step--He will help me through this present crisis. It has little to do with belief or faith in God. I think it has a lot to do with faith in myself.

For some time I have been a "fan" of Bart Ehrman's writings on the New Testament and the historical Jesus. Granted, most of them say about the same things, in only slightly different ways, but I still read most of his books when they are published. His latest book is called Jesus Interrupted, which deals with the problems found when one reads the Gospels horizontally (harmonized together) rather than vertically (each one has a theological story to tell in and of itself without the help of the other gospels). A good number of evangelicals think Dr. Ehrman is the devil incarnate. True, he does not think the same things about Jesus that evangelicals do, but I am not convinced he is evil in the flesh either. I think part of this is because some parts of his story resonate with me.

Ehrman has a born again experience as a teenager, was heavily involved in his church youth group. He eventually went to Moody Bible Institute to study the Bible and then on to Wheaton College to study English literature. I mean, it is hard to get more fundy than this. He was a hardliner fundamentalist who believe in the inerrancy of the Bible. In other words, the Bible is without error. Because he was such a good student and took to the study of koine Greek, he decided to go to Princeton Theological Seminary to study for a Master of Divinity. He knew this was a liberal seminary, but he wanted to study with the best professors. He eventually earned the MDiv and a Ph. D. from Princeton, but his belief in the Bible was not left in tact. He eventually became a more liberal Christian and then gave up any religious affiliation.

Ehrman swears his loss of faith had nothing to do with his realization that there were issues with the Biblical text--many variant manuscripts, problematic passages, etc. He says that the question of suffering, and more specifically how a loving God could allow suffering to the extent we see in much of the world, was the proverbial straw that broke his faith. He does not take issue with anyone who continues to practice the Christian faith, but for him, it does not resonate anymore.

Part of me completely understands his journey from fundamentalist to mainline Christian, from complete believer in the inerrancy of the Bible to dealing with problem passages that no one could give me a good answer to. My favorite is Jesus' statement to this effect: "Truly I say to you, this generation will not pass away until all these things take place." Did Jesus believe this or did he mean something else? Coming to terms with some of these things has been difficult. Earlier in my Christian life, this may have been a deal breaker, like the Da Vinci Code or something worse. But I began to realize that the truth was, our faith is just that--faith. If there is no way to doubt, what supernatural faith is necessary?

I remember a colleague at the Bible college complaining that a fellow professor was teaching that the Bible has errors. He was not happy about this, and gave me a "we all have to teach the party line" type answer. It bothered me that all the professors, including myself, knew that this professor was not incorrect in teaching his students that there were errors in the Bible, but we just don't talk about those types of things. And I think this is our worry with our people in the churches, that they cannot deal with the possibility that we truly have to base our beliefs on faith. I began to realize that a faith based solely on my belief that the Bible is completely accurate in all it says, causes my faith to be much more finite. This is not to say that my love for the Bible has waned. I just understand better that by looking at the Scriptures, along with church tradition, and the work of the Holy Spirit in the world today, that I see a more complete vision of the faith than can be seen by looking through the lens of only one.

But Ehrman's story does make me worry that I might end up where he is. Loving the Scriptures, but not finding life in them anymore. Getting to a point where I readily dismiss the moving of the Holy Spirit in my life. Again, much of the time, I have more faith in God than I do in my ability to believe in myself. And, part of me still fights with the inner demon (or angel, depending on your perspective) that wants me to go back into the prison that confined my ability to understand that much about God is not understandable and that is okay.

P. S.: No comments about my salvation, please. No lectures on the evils of reading things that cause you to think outside of your faith box. Long past that argument. In fact, I think doing just that can make your faith stronger, unless it was too weak to begin with. . .

Coming Evangelical Collapse

2009-03-19T16:39:00.004-05:00

I have not been in the blogging mood for some time. I have had several things that have been on my mind, but I just have not had the energy to put anything into the ether about my pet topics. I mean, gee whiz, I never talked about Rush Limbaugh and his tirade(s) and whether or not he is the de facto leader of the Republican party. Granted, if he is throwing the party I am not going, but I would likely not be invited anyway, so . . . hmm.

A couple of weeks ago, an old friend brought this article about the coming evangelical collapse to my attention. There are a lot of interesting thoughts and predictions about ministries ending, churches closing, and political clout evaporating. The main reasons Michael Spencer gives are as follows:

1. Evangelicals have identified their movement with the culture war and with political conservatism. This will prove to be a very costly mistake. Evangelicals will increasingly be seen as a threat to cultural progress. Public leaders will consider us bad for America, bad for education, bad for children, and bad for society.

2. We Evangelicals have failed to pass on to our young people an orthodox form of faith that can take root and survive the secular onslaught. Ironically, the billions of dollars we've spent on youth ministers, Christian music, publishing, and media has produced a culture of young Christians who know next to nothing about their own faith except how they feel about it.

3. There are three kinds of evangelical churches today: consumer-driven megachurches, dying churches, and new churches whose future is fragile. Denominations will shrink, even vanish, while fewer and fewer evangelical churches will survive and thrive.

4. Despite some very successful developments in the past 25 years, Christian education has not produced a product that can withstand the rising tide of secularism. Evangelicalism has used its educational system primarily to staff its own needs and talk to itself.

5. The confrontation between cultural secularism and the faith at the core of evangelical efforts to "do good" is rapidly approaching. We will soon see that the good Evangelicals want to do will be viewed as bad by so many, and much of that work will not be done. Look for ministries to take on a less and less distinctively Christian face in order to survive.

6. Even in areas where Evangelicals imagine themselves strong (like the Bible Belt), we will find a great inability to pass on to our children a vital evangelical confidence in the Bible and the importance of the faith.

7. The money will dry up.

I think these are some significant questions that many of us have been asking for quite some time, but again, it is good to see these things in print. You can also check out Spencer's blog "Internet Monk" here.

In other personal news:

1. I decided to register for classes this summer, so it looks like I am really going to go back to school. Thankfully, I have several avenues for funding. So, at the very most I will only have to pay for half of my tuition. And, I decided to change to a Master of Divinity program. I should be shot, but I think I will be able to transfer in enough graduate credits to make the MDiv within striking distance of a regular MA (TS) degree. And, I have chosen to start with courses that will work toward my ordination, which means by the end of the year, I may be a provisional deacon. So, hold on, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

2. Out little Elizabeth was student of the quarter for her Kindergarten class this past 9 weeks. We were a little surprised since Liz is not much for the book learnin.' She was so pleased. It was nice for her to win a big award since she lives with Marcia Brady.

3. I am in the final stages of preparing for my big concert this weekend. I have come to realize that the performance side of me is drying up. The music (Vaughan Williams' 5 Mystical Songs) is wonderful, but I would rather not be the one singing them. This is difficult for those around me to understand because they think that music should be the most fun job ever (and it is, or can be). But I am thinking long and hard about what role music will play in the next chapter of my life, my ordained life.

Now, how's that for opening a kettle of fish?

Purgatory?

2009-03-18T16:35:00.001-05:00

I was reading Greg Boyd's blog the other day and noticed this entry on the doctrine of purgatory and how it relates to suicide. I have never heard a Protestant give such a good apologetic for believing in the possibility of a place of refining before entering the pearly gates.

Here is an excerpt:

"The trouble is that, like most evangelicals, this young man held the view that our character is magically made perfect the moment we die. Sanctification may be hard during this life, this view holds, but if you’re “saved” you’re perfected and all struggles cease the moment you die.
Tragically, this belief not only encourages suicide for people who are desperately tired of the struggle, but it also seems to make sanctification in this life optional. Many wonder why they should go through all the hard work of character refinement in this life if they’re going to instantly be made perfect the moment after they take their last breath? I’m convinced this belief, together with the common “legal” view of “justification,” is largely behind the epidemic apathy toward Christ-like holiness that characterizes the modern western church."

To read the article in its entirety, follow this link.

Thoughts?

Forgetfulness and Other Random Thoughts for March

2009-03-03T15:17:00.004-06:00

These past couple of weeks have been somewhat nondescript. I have been really busy and have had several thoughts that I wanted to post, but never seemed to have the energy to put them down in print. So here goes with a wrap up of thoughts for the past two weeks.

I saw a church billboard that read: "Jesus, your tour guide in heaven." I don't think I have ever been so offended in my life that Jesus has been reduced to a tour guide. You know all of that dying for our sins to bring us back into relationship with God was all so that he could serve as a tour guide for us when we get to heaven. And you know, that is the only reason to be a Christian is so we can go to heaven. This sighting came quickly on the heels of a status post I read on Facebook that went something like: "____ wishes Jesus would come back today more than ever before." I am bothered when we use Jesus' imminent return as a way to get out of our troubles here on earth. Whenever someone says something like this to me, my first thought is: "Dear God, what if He did come today? How much of His work is still left to be done, primarily because we won't do it? It absolutely terrifies me--the thought that Jesus might return and find us working on all manner of things that have no eternal value.

I like this quote about service from Chris Loder's book, The Logic of the Spirit: Human Development in Theological Perspective:

“Christian self-understanding drives toward the goal of giving love
sacrificially with integrity after the pattern of Christ. This means the willing
breaking of one’s wholeness potential for the sake of another, a free choice
that has nothing to do with oppression because it is an act of integrity and
everything to do with Christ’s free choice to go to the cross as an act of
love.”

This reminded me of a former post of mine, something to the effect that "you know you are a servant when you are treated like one and it does not bother you."

And one last thing: About two weeks ago, an old friend posted a picture of me on Facebook. This is not newsworthy, except that I could not remember the event at all. I commented to her that I had absolutely no recollection of the event at all and she sent me another picture demonstrating, yet again, that I was indeed present on this certain occasion. When I got to thinking about when that picture was taken, I remembered that it was a very difficult time for me and much of that period I have forgotten. It was a time of great disappointment and what I do remember was being in a cloud most of the time and tending only to those things that had to be dealt with. It was good to have friends help me out of my funk. Melancholy thoughts.

I guess we all have times like that where we are just going through the motions in life, when everything is just a barrier to have to cross in order to make it through to the next day. I have less of these periods than I used to have, maybe because I have lowered my expectations or I have begun to understand how I deal with stressors (people and/or events) better. I am also better equipped to deal with melancholy thoughts than I was back in the day. I remember my senior year in high school I made those chocolate oatmeal no-bake cookies every week and ate them all myself. Now, I usually try to go for a run and then eat the cookies. Kind of balances out that way. (Truth is, I can't make those cookies anymore. The last two times I tried, they failed miserably. The last time I tried to make them with Splenda. I think I had to throw away the pot I made them in.)

Oh well, enough of that.

In other news ~ We had a very nice Ash Wednesday service this past week at the church. Very moving. We imposed ashes on everyone, had communion, and gave everyone a rock which stood for sins that we need to conquer. On Good Friday, we are supposed to bring our rock back and lay it at the foot of the cross as a symbol that we have given it to the Lord. I really like that I am a part of a church that celebrates Lent. You know, I love to feel bad about myself and for forty days that is okay.

My middle child, Elizabeth, had a good report from the eye doctor. About a month ago she failed an eye balance screening. Don't know what that means, but she was referred to a specialist who could not find anything wrong with her. Hallelu. I just could not imagine sending her to school with an eye patch. She would have made a cute pirate, but she already deals with enough Jan Bradyisms that I could not bear the thought of causing her any undue grief.

I had my first rehearsal with the Pro Arte Chorale this past weekend. I have been engaged as the soloist on Ralph Vaughan Williams' Five Mystical Songs. It should be interesting. This is my first classical solo gig in quite some time. I am a little nervous, but things went fairly well. I still need some practice, but at least the songs are in English and so I don't have to translate anything.

Maybe You Are Not an Artist

2009-02-16T20:30:00.004-06:00

I have long been a fan of the HBO series Six Feet Under, about the Fishers, a Los Angeles family that owns and lives in a funeral home. I am not quite sure what it is about this show that drew me to it in the first place. As I recall, I became aware of the show at a time when I had lost someone close to me, and it was kind of cathartic in a macabre kind of way. The characters are completely honest and very flawed. When I watched it, I felt like a voyeur, peering into the everyday lives of these very troubled, yet realistic people.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been in a weird state of mind, on an emotional roller coaster that tends to be the underlying script of my life at times. Going from moment of crisis to moment of crisis, trying my best to enjoy the space in between. Last week, I started to get a sinus infection, and, as much as I might want to live a nonmusical life for a while, it is always very aggravating when I am not able to function. I had to have someone else take care of some of my duties on Sunday morning since I could barely talk. So, as is often the case when I need to be quiet and get over something, I spent much of the weekend in my room watching television. Misty was supposed to be out of town this weekend, but there were mechanical difficulties with her plane and so she decided it was a sign that she was not supposed to go after all. Thank God, because I felt so bad it would have been difficult to be mommy and daddy for four days straight.

So, over the course of the weekend I watched the final season of Six Feet Under and came across this amazing scene. Over the course of the five seasons, Claire Fisher, the youngest member of the family by quite a few years, spends much of her time trying to find herself. She is in high school when we meet the family and then spends a couple of years in art school before leaving to find her way in the world. During the last season, she is adrift in this search for self and she applies for an emerging artists grant. She has no question she will get the grant.

One day, Claire's aunt Sarah, who has spent most of her life as an artist/bohemian, has come for a visit. They are sitting at the table when Claire receives the letter informing her that she has not received the grant. She is visibly upset by the news, but her aunt seems completely unmoved by the news, suggesting that there would be other grants in the future. And then she drops the bomb that went something like this:

Sarah: Maybe you are not an artist.

Claire: How dare you say that?

Sarah: Did you feel angry when I said that to you?

Claire: Of course!

Sarah: Maybe you are not really an artist because you felt anger. If you really are an artist, you'll just laugh at me. Like if you tell me that I am purple, I'll just laugh because that is not true.

How often do we feel the need to defend our choices? If we truly are something, an artist or whatever, should that fact define us so much that we laugh when someone would suggest otherwise? I have not fully wrapped my head around this yet. I know there have been times when I have defended myself when there was no point. These times come less and less as I grow up and become more comfortable with me, but the impulse is still there. Does the fact that someone questions something about you make you start to question yourself? If you really are _______ then you should know it enough to not allow someone to call into question your existence or your choice or whatever. I guess the reverse is: If someone can change your mind about who you are, then were you ever ______ to begin with?

Thoughts?

Thought-Provoking Devotional Readings

2009-02-05T17:17:00.003-06:00

Lately, I have been reading A Slice of Infinity, a daily devotional reading distributed by Ravi Zacharias International Ministries. They are always thought provoking. Some more so than others. Here is a snippet from today's slice, written by L.T. Jeyachandran:

In this, no contemplation of the beauty and glory of God within a community
of believers can be complete without some understanding of the relationship
between the Three Persons of the Trinity. The image God has given us in the
Trinity is an image of three co-eternal, co-equal Persons giving themselves to
one another in eternal self-effacement. The glory of our God is not a
thunder-and-lighting quality, but a self-giving love within the Trinity.
And Jesus's prayer for his disciples (and us) is that this same glory may be
given to us that we "may be one" even as they are one. Is there any question why
servanthood and relationship-building is no longer an optional extra for the
Christian but essential to reflecting the glory of the Triune God?

If you are interested, here is a link to the RZIM website where you can "sign up" for a daily slice.

Losing It

2009-02-04T20:33:00.006-06:00

Okay, so I usually do my best to keep my cool and never let things get to me publicly. Well, today was a weird day. I woke up early and ran on the treadmill. Fine. Madeline was up really early and so our routine was off. I forgot her favorite blanket, the one she cannot live without. Granted, she did not realize we were sans blanket until we were almost to church. By that time it was too late. My sister had surgery this morning, so I admit, I was worried most of the morning and not really myself. I hate being so far away for big things like this. And these last couple of days have been really busy for no apparent reason. Lots of folks bearing their souls and all and I have been kind of emotionally drained as a result.

So, I went to class at 12:30 and played a video for a few minutes and went on with my lecture on Baroque vocal music. If I have favorite topics, this is one of them. We talked about castrati and Monteverdi and Purcell and Handel. We listened to some fine music and then I went berserk (in a professional manner, of course). I noticed all along a couple of students talking amongst themselves. I usually take no issue with this behavior, at least they are engaging the subject even if it is in a negative way. But then, three or four of them started putting their heads down on their desks. I was not really happy and so I told them so.

I basically told them the following:

1. You are paying for this class.

2. If I have to be here then you have to be here and be engaged.

3. It is rude to treat a professor in this manner.

4. You can leave, but I will count you absent.

5. I really do not care if you do not enjoy this material, it is part of the class that you paid for.

6. If you do not want to be cultural morons, you need to have a cursory knowledge of music and art.

Well I left off the last one, but it is true.

I am sort of over it, but I let class out a little early because my train of thought was gone at that point. And I am as entertaining as the material will allow me to be. How often can one relate the music of the Renaissance to Brittany Spears? It is hard to do friends. I have one student who likes to get up every class period and leave to go the restroom. I want to say, "You are an adult and you can probably go before class." He also fits a horrible stereotype that us progressives hate to admit to most of the time, but that topic is for another day. I am becoming more and more concerned with student performance. I have talked about this before, but it is alarming how passive my students are. They are used to being told how to think, they watch so much television and spend so much time on the internet they have grown passive to the learning process. They think they can act however they want since the professor is there whether or not they engage in the class or are there physically at all--just like a TV or a computer. It worries me. Granted, these are not Ivy Leaguers here, but I think one can expect some sense of decorum in the classroom.

I can say in all honesty that I did not enjoy several classes I took in college, but I had the decency to skip those classes when I thought I could not pretend to be interested. Take for instance the one class I made a C in ever. I had this early morning general physics course that met like 4 times a week and did not have a real attendance policy. I hated this course because I was stupid enough to wait until my Junior year to take it and all I wanted to take were music courses by that time. So, I never went, showed up for tests, turned in my paper and did pretty well in the class until the final. All I needed was like a 70 to get a B in the class and I ended up with a C. According to the Preppy Handbook it is perfectly legitimate to earn a C in a science class. It is completely inappropriate to earn one in Music Appreciation. But several of my students may be well on their way.

Oh well, I am probably getting old and glossing over much that I wish to forget, but it does bother me that my students on the whole are not able to synthesize information very well. For instance, I try to set the music we listen to and study in historical and cultural context. I try to remember what I would have known coming out of high school and attempt to relate the music to those areas of literature, history, etc. that I think they should know. I feel like the professor in Ferris Bueller half the time. No one seems to know any of these things, and worse yet they seem to wonder what possible good there would be in knowing these things. I think this perceived apathy is what sent me over the edge today. I was just tired of it.

And another thing: What movies are young people watching today that speak to their generation? I am having a hard time figuring this one out, so help me here. I was up late last Thursday night watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off and really began to wonder about what defining pop-cultural moments they have had. I mean, we had the John Hughes oeuvre (Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club) and Bueller, Better Off Dead, et al. But what is their defining movie? Does this matter anymore? Have the youth of America become too ironic or too detached to be defined by something like a movie?

BTW: Has anybody seen my 2 dollars?

25 Things About Me

2009-02-03T10:35:00.000-06:00

I have been tagged too many times on Facebook, so I decided to make my list of things about me available here. I have attempted to be honest.

1. I have been singing since I was three and do not really remember a time when music was not a part of my life.
2. When I was little, I had this uncanny ability to remember minutiae from my early childhood. It was really freaky. It is going away.
3. Because I can remember minutiae, I know exactly how I felt every time something good or not so good happened to me as a child.
4. I have an irrational fear of “little people.”
5. Quirky things make me very happy, e. g.: garden gnomes, a limerick, “Jesus junk,” trinkets, etc.
6. I have too many Bibles. I worry that by buying another one, I will be snatching up one that a sinner might want. But most of the ones I buy no one would want.
7. I love chocolate. It is my dark master. I especially like it in Dove form, or Godiva chocolate cheesecake, or those discs of chocolate you get at European airports, or . . .
8. I read all the time and I have an addiction to magazine subscriptions. I think right now I get about a dozen magazines and journals each month. It frightens me.
9. I have a slight addiction to the news and I cannot go a day without watching CNN or listening to NPR.
10. I drink about a gallon of water a day. It is a good habit, but has its repercussions.
11. Most of the time I feel like a big sinner. I have a lot of guilt.
12. I used to pray every night to be re-saved because I just knew there was some sin that I had not dealt with that day and Jesus would come and I would go to hell. See #11.
13. I am always on a diet or thinking about being on a diet.
14. I actually like to run on the treadmill. It is mindless and I need that for obvious and less noticeable reasons. See #13.
15. I have never been a “kid person” and so it amuses me that I have three children now. I am not afraid of these “little people.”
16. I moved around a lot as a child and so, for me, it was a big deal to move across the country to start my new life. I have come to realize that stability is in the eye of the beholder.
17. I like being a Methodist. I can be more myself. I will likely be ordained within a couple of years.
18. People think I am a conservative, but I am probably one of the most progressive people in my social circle.
19. I love to travel and have set foot on five continents. If I had the time or the money, this might be all I ever did. Problem is, most of the places I want to visit are not all that safe.
20. I love fried foods but they do not love me. See #13.
21. I love ice cream, but I am becoming a bit lactose intolerant. I am very angry about this. See #13.
22. I love to go to museums and it frustrates me that I do not live close to any good ones right now. I think it would be interesting to work as a museum director.
23. If I had another life to live, I might have been an archaeologist. I would really like to go on a dig.
24. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to not be musical, to just be a normal person. I would also like to go places and not have people ask me to sing, or lead worship, or ask me about music.
25. I have a gift/curse which allows people to be completely honest with me and tell me their entire life stories. This happens to me all the time and it is both annoying and rewarding at the same time.

God Hates Shrimp

2009-02-03T06:57:00.002-06:00

I think this is funny. Check out this website which gives an ironic look at how some use certain passages in the Old Testament to fuel the whole anti-gay movement. I am not defending or condoning anything here, but it is interesting food for thought that we tend to take what we like and leave the rest as "cultural." And, I admit, that according to Leviticus 11 and Deuteronomy 14, I am a big ol' sinner since last Friday I went to the Japanese steak house and had me a bunch of scrimps.

Here is a blurb from the site "God Hates Shrimp":

"Shrimp, crab, lobster, clams, mussels, all these are an abomination before the Lord, just as gays are an abomination. Why stop at protesting gay marriage? Bring all of God's law unto the heathens and the sodomites. We call upon all Christians to join the crusade against Long John Silver's and Red Lobster. Yea, even Popeye's shall be cleansed. The name of Bubba shall be anathema. We must stop the unbelievers from destroying the sanctity of our restaurants."

On the "About" page, the authors state:

"The point we're trying to make is that by using the Old Testament (specifically the book of Leviticus) as a basis for protesting gay marriage, you run into a couple of problems. The first is that in the New Testament, Jesus established the New Covenant, which stated that the old Mosaic laws about unclean things were invalid (Jesus in his own person said nothing specifically against homosexuality, although Paul later attributed some remarks to him). The second reason is that if you still want to quote from Leviticus, despite Jesus' doing away with Mosaic law, then you better be prepared to enforce the whole thing, not just the parts you like. This includes not only the injunction against shellfish and mussels and such, but also against wearing fabrics made of blended fibers, cutting or shaving your beard, sowing mixed seed in a field, and a slew of other things nobody but Orthodox Jews take seriously anymore."

Thoughts?

Groundhog Day and Leaving "the" Ministry

2009-02-02T14:29:00.004-06:00

So, it is Groundhog Day. I have never quite understood the point of a groundhog seeing his shadow. But it appears that because Punxsutawny Phil saw his shadow earlier today and so we are in for another six weeks of winter. I could have told them that and saved them the trouble of molesting that poor groundhog, but again, I wasn't asked. When will people learn?

This week marks the three year anniversary of our move to Florida. And, honestly, it seems kind of anticlimactic at this point. It seems so normal. Kind of dull really, but also very much like what home should feel like. I take this as a good sign. The family is content and no one feels any inclination whatsoever to make any changes at present. I think this is a good thing for now as well.

I have given a lot of thought to what it must be like for ministers who leave vocational ministry to do something else. Of course ministers leave full-time church ministry for a lot of reasons. I have known those who got burned out by working too long with aggravating church members, those who just got tired, and those who had to leave because they did something inappropriate and were forced to leave.

Some of my interest in this topic has been sparked by the recent documentary concerning Ted Haggard that Alexandra Pelosi made for HBO, The Trials of Ted Haggard. The documentary begins with his high-profile ministry in Colorado when he was president of the National Association of Evangelicals and quickly moves into the period following the allegations that he had issues with drugs and homosexuality. Of course, he admitted to these things eventually, and others, including a more recent report that he had an inappropriate relationship with a male intern at the New Life Church. He had to live outside of Colorado for a year, find other work, and was barred from ever entering the church he founded. It was pretty much an awful experience. He was completely debased.

Pelosi asked Haggard why he never told anyone he had these struggles and he told her that he was afraid he would lose everything, his social standing, his marriage, his children, his friends, and his church. He lost everything except his family as a result of his choices. He had to try to figure out how to live life outside of the church. I have always wondered how people do this when they have never lived anywhere else. Haggard admitted he had never been on a job interview in his life and he was really left without much recourse since he had no marketable skills.

I do not condone what Haggard did. I feel sorry for him because I understand how it feels to not want to admit you deal with doubts or anything else that does not line up identically with the evangelical ideal. I think his abuse of power was a fundamental flaw in the evangelical framework, and when someone is struggling with such deep seated issues, and really should remove themselves from the situation, it is made all the harder to deal with problems when you are the leader. I am sure many ministers deal with these issues of power and how to work out their own sins and shortcomings. But who wants to admit that we are not living up to what God wants us to be? Being placed on a pedestal, and Haggard definitely was on a big one, makes the fall from grace all the worse.

Back to my topic: How do ministers deal with normal life? Ted Haggard admitted that he had no idea what to do. I have often thought more of the changes I have made in my life than I really should have. Granted, they were big for me at the time, but when I am honest, I realize that the fundamental way in which I view myself has not changed all that much. When I look back at my old life, I was a full-time music professor and a part-time church musician. Today, I have those roles reversed, but they are still the same roles. I never stopped working within this same framework. Only the time spent with each has changed. Now, I don't want to diminish the changes I have made. They have allowed me to further get to know myself and in the process understand better my place in the world and in the Kingdom. And they have allowed me to be more honest with myself and with others, something I did not think was possible before. I digress.

So how does a minister deal with becoming a salesman or teacher or whatever? Does it mean that their calling has changed? Does it mean they never really had a calling? Is it a lull in their life plan? Does it matter? Do we place too much emphasis on the role of the "the" in "the ministry"? I am a firm believer that most real ministry occurs outside any church building, so maybe it is better when ministers are led (again, for whatever reason) to leave full-time church ministries, even for unfortunate reasons. Maybe this is a way for true ministry to happen in everyday places, places most full-time pastors could never go. . .

P. S.: I need more followers. If you regularly or irregularly read my little slice of the blogosphere, please become one of my faithful few. The link is to your right.

I Won't Grow Up

2009-01-28T10:24:00.003-06:00

The other day, I was responding to a "friend" request from another person that I had not thought about in almost 20 years. Lately, I have noticed an upward swing in old "friends" finding me on Facebook and wanting to get reacquainted. Honestly, most of this has been funny to me. I don't know what it is about 20-year reunions, but it seems like more people begin to wonder about what "old so-and-so" is doing these days around the 20 year mark. I remember my mother-in-law telling me years ago that people start to be interested in old friends then because they are less interested in impressing old rivals, and more truly curious about people from back in the day. Personally, I think most people, when they join Facebook, become friend sluts and want as many as they possibly can. Truth be told, I have been de-friending people lately, mostly my more recent students, but sometimes people who send me things I hate. You know what I am talking about. And all those people who keep posting pictures of me, your time is coming.

When I was living in Texas, I worked with a person who had far more contacts back into my life in Oklahoma than I ever kept. I never felt bad about that. I always thought if those people wanted me to know what was going on in their lives, they would find me and let me know. But, because of this person, I knew everything that was going on with just about anyone I would care (or not care, for that matter) to know about. In many ways, this was mildly annoying. I wasn't really interested in what "old so-and-so" was up to, but I always got at least a weekly dose whether I needed it or not. When I moved to Florida this all dried up and I was all right with that. Until, out of the blue, some messages from members of my graduating class appeared in my inbox. And another friend invited me to join Facebook, and now my friends list is full of these people--people that I really had nothing in common with except geography. Still, it has been an interesting exercise getting acquainted all over again with these people, whose names are forever etched on my psyche (for both good and bad reasons respectively). It is amazing how comfortable and comforting it is to hear from someone I have known since 1976, despite the interlude of a dozen or more years. On a side note: Some of these folks have been very forthright in our conversations, in a way that you would be with a very close friend. It is my curse.

Which brings me to my thought for today: I do not like being a grown up. For much of my life, I was way too old for my age. I remember being such a fundy about music and insert something to be fundamentalist about, that I never had any time to have fun. And, I had to deal with some grown up things about myself earlier than some have to deal with them, so I always felt a little too old for my body. I chose friends that were like this as well. Way too serious. I always thought, "When I am 35, I will have finally grown into myself and feel comfortable that my inward age and outward age would be more in line." Well, this year I turn 37 and I can say unequivocally that I am not liking the being a grown up after all.

I realize that much of my outward expressions of seriousness and maturity couched a deep insecurity and immaturity. And, although I don't really deal with major insecurity anymore, I still feel so completely unprepared to deal with real-life struggles. Maybe everyone deals with these feelings. Maybe it is just me. I have talked about this before, but the older I get the more I wonder if I lived up to my potential, and not just the potential that others saw in me, but the potential I believed I had myself. The other day, I was wondering about greatness, and whether or not I will ever achieve any semblance of such, when I was quickly brought back to reality. I was talking to a woman yesterday who has very few options for jobs, and it really hit home to me that things could be much worse. Here I am wondering about what mark I will make on the world, and I really have it pretty easy. I get to set my own schedule. I get to do basically what I want, when I want. The church allows me to teach and thinks it is a good thing for me to do things in the community. Maybe I should not worry about being great.

All of this brings me back to my point, that I have not enjoyed becoming an adult. Maybe I thought being a grown up would mean I would not worry anymore. Maybe I really was a child. Maybe, I still am.

You're My Only Hope

2009-01-26T18:06:00.007-06:00

Well, it has been a week since the inauguration. The earth is still spinning, just in case any Dobsonites were worried the world might indeed come to a fiery end the day after Obama became President. I must admit that I was completely overwhelmed at the whole process. Tuesday at one o'clock, I went home to run on the treadmill (yes, I am back to that again--just can't seem to regulate my weight without it) and watch the inauguration again that I watched the first time over the internet at the church. Since not everyone there is as thrilled as I am, I had to keep it on the down low. No crying or anything. I admit that his speech was not what I anticipated. It got better as it went on. First half: meh. Second half: back to Obama's eloquent form.

We may try to take our children to DC this summer to show them all of the monuments and the museums. Our poor children. I realized yesterday that we have become the Keaton family of Family Ties fame. I am just assured our children will be the most conservative of conservatives, and there Misty and I will be in our old age hippiedom. It is a work in progress, I understand, since no one would take us for hippies now. But wait, our day is coming.

Lots of things are going on around me, but right now I seem to be immune to the craziness. I am grateful for this for now.

In other news: Emma was the "Student of the Quarter" for her class this past quarter. The school no longer gives out "Student of the Month" awards, so this is a bigger deal. Marcia Brady strikes again.

We have become Mormons. Well, not exactly, but we have established a family game night each Saturday evening. We have dinner and play a board game. It is a little cultish, I know, but we are trying to spend quality time engaging our children now that they are getting a little older. I feel like a Dugger. No wait, do they play board games or is that evil?

The girls planted a tree today in honor of Misty's father. Let's pray that the winter does not return. Last week it was in the 20s in Florida. Today it was back in the 70s. I am confused.

Otherwise, this has been a dull week. I really thought change was a-comin.' Help me Obama Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

Significant Insignificance

2009-01-21T14:40:00.002-06:00

As much as I value my opinion, I have very seldom thought it was necessary for anyone to agree with me or to value my thoughts as much as I value them. Or at least I pretend this is the case. I guess I really just want people to take me seriously, but I am finding that more people do than I ever thought. And I am wondering about the gravity or lack thereof I place on certain things.

I have come to the realization that the things I say are important and every episode in life may have lasting repercussions, far beyond what trivial weight I may give them at the time. In one of my more recent blogs I mentioned the triviality of conversations that led me down the path I am on at present, admitting that I did not realize what was happening at the time.

Case in point: Last fall I had a student who I did not really think I was connecting with. The person was not overly talented and, I admit, there were days I was just phoning it in as an instructor. At the end of the semester, there was clear improvement in the student's voice and overall demeanor. I had a member of the faculty where I teach now comment about how much this student liked me--that I could do no wrong, etc. So, I found myself in this guilty situation of having connected and effected a person's life without consciously intending to do so. Fascinating.

Case in point part 2: Recently I have become reacquainted with a former student who was in one class that I taught the last semester before I moved to Florida. I admit that I was not in the most clear of minds at that time in my life. Preparing for a new baby and a new life that was very nebulous then, I was not completely myself and not really paying attention to all of my students' needs. Or so I thought. It appears that things I told this student years ago now are still meaningful and acts of kindness that I thought little of at the time were still meaningful to this person. Intriguing.

I now understand that, despite my best efforts, when I am trying to be a "minister" I often fall flat. But, when I am most myself and not trying to channel the Holy Spirit for anything in particular, then I become most like Christ and express His love to those in my care the very best. Maybe it is like planning quality time with your children. It is never as meaningful to you or to them as it is when it evolves naturally out of who you are, as part of your relationship with them.

Life as ministry. The most insignificant moments can turn into pivotal moments of significance, whether we ever realize it or not.

John Wesley's Thoughts on "Unregenerate" Pastors

2009-01-17T09:31:00.001-06:00

“A lifeless, unconverting, unconverted minister is the murderer-general of his parish. He enters not into the kingdom of heaven himself, and those that would enter in he suffers not. He stands in the gap between them and true religion; because he has it not, they are easy without it.”

From Letter to "John Smith", March 25, 1747

Three Years In . . .

2009-01-17T08:36:00.002-06:00

This month marked the three year anniversary of my departure from my former life as a college music professor and my entry into full-time church ministry. There is still a bit of irony for me that my last day at the college was January 6, 2005. My personal epiphany came to fruition on the Day of Epiphany. And within the next few weeks we will have lived in Florida for three years. When I look back at events which seemed innocuous at the time, it is amazing what gravity they now have. I remember the conversation I had with a student who took my Music in Worship class seven years ago. She wondered whether or not I might be interested to help her church, a United Methodist Church, start a contemporary worship service. I told her at the time that it was impossible for me to consider doing that, even if I really wanted to do it. And then not even a year later when I was approached by the pastor of that church, and I decided there just might be something to all these inquiries. It is hard to believe that the time has passed so quickly.

In many ways these have been some of the most eventful years of our lives, despite the paradigm shift that has been the benchmark of this period. We have moved to a part of the country that is quite different than where we had lived. We have begun to think of ourselves as Methodists rather than aliens in a strange land. My little angels have grown up so much. I now have two children who do not really remember living in Texas, and therefore, do not remember our former life. My wife and I know each other better than we ever did before moving away from comfortable, safe surroundings.

I remember at the beginning of this journey a great sense of anxiety about what the future would hold and whether or not this path would be the one that I would stay on to the end. As time went on, I began to realize there was no necessity to know what next year holds, as long as I can trust in God to lead the way. During our first year here, there rarely came a day that I did not wonder about what was going on at the college or what my students and colleagues were doing. I realized a few months ago that it had been quite some time since I had wondered about those things. At first I worried about what people would think of my choices, fearing many would think I was a sinner for even considering the choices I had already made. Today, these are not worries that cross my mind. I am reminded of the passage from Genesis 41 in which Joseph names his first son Manasseh because "God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father's household." It is significant that, out of the blue, a friend from the former life called me yesterday and I began to realize how much harder it was now to speak of things I really did not remember. It was like talking through a haze, a very cloudy memory. The grief that used to accompany any thought of my former life was just not there anymore. I think that may be the greatest breakthrough I have had in years.

I guess what I am trying to say is that although I used to speak kindly about my new life and pretend it was home to me; now, I actually believe it now or at the very least, I have convinced myself I believe it. Maybe, for the first time, I am at home with myself.

Is Gay the New Black?

2009-01-16T09:51:00.003-06:00

I read this months ago and thought it was interesting.

NEW YORK - Gay is the new black, say the protest signs and magazine covers, casting the gay marriage battle as the last frontier of equal rights for all.

Gay marriage is not a civil right, opponents counter, insisting that minority status comes from who you are rather than what you do.

The gay rights movement entered a new era when Barack Obama was elected the first black president the same day that voters in California and Florida passed referendums to prevent gays and lesbians from marrying, while Arizonans turned down civil unions and Arkansans said no to adoptions by same-sex couples.

You can read the rest of the article on MSNBC here.

Adults Only: A Medieval Guide to . . .

2009-01-15T21:42:00.003-06:00

Okay, so this is a little bit racy for my blog, but I thought it was funny. The Church has never been keen on carnal relations, but I found this article that makes that fact ever so plain. Here is a portion of the article from The Smart Set:

Somehow the human race survived the Middle Ages, no mean feat when you consider how much literature was out there condemning sex. Church thinkers like Saint Jerome announced that carnal relations were “filthy” even within the bounds of holy matrimony: “The wise man should love his wife with cool discretion,” Jerome opined, “not with hot desire… Nothing is nastier than to love your own wife as if she were your mistress.” Intercourse for procreation was tolerable, the holy fathers begrudgingly admitted, but anyone who indulged in sex because they were in love or seeking physical pleasure was on a fast track to damnation. In fact, this attitude eventually led the Church to legislate on the most intimate details of married life: In 1215, the cleric Johannes Teutonicus was the first to announce that there was only one “natural” coital position — what we today call “the missionary position,” a term that was coined in the 1960s — which was also optimal for conception. Attempting any other position was a mortal sin, Johannes opined, involving exotic and unnecessary forms of stimulation.

Check out the rest of the article here. I especially liked the years of penance required for certain acts.

Father forgive me, I don't know what I blog.

End of the United States in 2010?

2009-01-09T12:35:00.003-06:00

There was an interesting article published in The Wall Street Journal on December 29.

Here is a snippet:

As if Things Weren't Bad Enough, Russian Professor Predicts End of U.S.

MOSCOW -- For a decade, Russian academic Igor Panarin has been predicting the U.S. will fall apart in 2010. For most of that time, he admits, few took his argument -- that an economic and moral collapse will trigger a civil war and the eventual breakup of the U.S. -- very seriously. Now he's found an eager audience: Russian state media.

You can read the rest of the short article here. Definitely food for conspiracy theorists' thoughts.

Like Waking Up from the Longest Dream

2009-01-08T13:47:00.005-06:00

I don't know where to begin . . .

Our Christmas vacation to Texas started out pretty normal, actually pretty boring. We decided to drive the longer part of our trip through Louisiana this time and we drove it all in one day. Fifteen hours makes for a long driving day, but it went pretty smoothly. I must admit that Misty drove the greater portion of our trip to Texas, mainly because I was reading that Twilight book. I am a little embarrassed, but over the course of our first week away, I read all four of those books. I think I may have become a teenage girl.

One of the highlights of our first week was a trip to the Dallas Museum of Art to see Tutankhamun and the Golden Age of the Pharaohs. I have never seen so many people at a museum. It was great to see the exhibit, but it was hard to really enjoy the pieces because there were so many people there. Misty and I took Emma alone to the museum and got to show her all the different styles of art. She is very artistic and enjoyed the modern art, especially Jackson Pollock. I think she just enjoyed having mom and dad all to herself for several hours.

We had a good Christmas with the entire family. We met the rest of my immediate family and Misty's family at my sister's home in Frisco. It was good to see everyone. I got a garden gnome. I was totally surprised (which I usually hate) and overjoyed. I love quirky things and it amazes me when people pay attention to the slightest thing I say. Christmas evening we went home to McKinney with my father-in-law and spent the next few days with him. Misty and her dad went all over town taking care of errands, paying bills, etc. He seemed very happy and talked about coming for a visit to Florida this summer. I had not seen him in a year and, though he seemed in good spirits, he seemed very frail. Misty assured me that this past summer he had looked the same. We had a good visit and after lunch on Sunday, December 28, we took some pictures together and left to go visit my family in Denton. We promised to return in a couple of days to have dinner together before we left for the return trip back to Florida.

I got to see my grandfather and my aunt Sunday night and we went shopping the next day and had a really good time. Tuesday we decided to go out for lunch and then some more shopping or whatever presented itself. After lunch, a few of us walked over to the music store a block away because I was looking for the music to a work I am supposed to sing with a community chorus here in Panama City this spring. As they were looking for the music, my sister called me and told me I needed to come back to the restaurant because Misty's dad had been found dead. I freaked out a little bit and was a little bit louder than is rational in the music store. I ran out the door and down the block. I must have looked pretty silly. But it was true, he was gone. Our little vacation ended right then.

We sent the three little girls to my sister's and went to Misty's dad's home to see the family already gathering. Thankfully, he had his funeral service planned and paid for, so all we had to do was verify the arrangements. His service was a week ago tomorrow. More than 350 people attended. He had really made an impact on his community. He was very generous and kind and would always drop anything to help someone out. I always thought people took advantage of him, but that was his ministry--helping people. He was not the most educated man, but I learned more from him than I would have in any class about what it means to shepherd people. If there were more people like him . . .

The rest of our stay in the Lone Star State was a flurry of cleaning his house and shredding a ridiculous amount of paperwork (he never got rid of anything) and taking care of all the business that proceeds someone's death. I knew this year would be interesting. I had a strange feeling several weeks ago that something big was on the horizon, that some big change lay just ahead. Truth is, I thought it would be something closer to home here in Florida.

It was freezing the day before we left, but by 5:00 Tuesday morning, it was 36 degrees so we could safely leave. We finally got home a little after 9:00 that night and it was about 76. It rained about 9 hours of our trip so it took 16 hours to get back home. Thankfully, our house was still standing and we made it back in one piece.

Now, please remember us in your prayers as we have several decisions to make concerning the estate over the next few months. And remember my sister as well. She got some discouraging news from the doctor and needs all of our prayers.

Peace, and happy new year.

Getting Ready for a Road Trip

2008-12-21T20:14:00.005-06:00

Well, I am so glad that this week has come to an end and Sunday is in the can. Today was one of the longest days of the year. We do this special musical/illustrated sermon at church the Sunday before Christmas and it is always a good service, but a very tiring one. It is usually a nice cap to the Christmas season and my swan song for the year. The three little girls wore their brand new Christmas dresses that Mimi sent to us. We went Christmas caroling as a church this evening and that was fun, except that I am completely Christmased out.

We plan to leave for Texas earlier than Jesus awakes Tuesday morning in order to make the trip in one day. Should be interesting. We will listen to DVDs and try to stay awake. I made the mistake of purchasing a copy of "Mamma Mia!" for the girls to watch. I thought, "Abba songs are catchy and they will probably like it." They have watched it four times since we bought it Friday. I can only guess how many times we can watch it over the course of a fourteen hour trip.

I will likely be out of the blogosphere for the next couple of weeks while we are travelling.

Here's to a very Merry Christmas and a happy new year.

Parenthood

2008-12-18T13:20:00.003-06:00

Well it has been over two weeks since I last ventured an entry here. Let's just say I have been busy with musical presentations at church and otherwise, finishing up the semester at the college, and gearing up to go back to Texas for a visit next week. It will be a long-needed respite from the joys and concerns of work in full-time church ministry. We are planning a long all-in-one-day drive back to Texas and non-stop family time. The highlight for me will be our long-anticipated visit to see the King Tut exhibit at the Dallas Museum of Art, thus concluding this year's Egyptian odyssey. You know, since I have not been able to travel anywhere significant in the last few years, I have to take my culture where and when I can get it.

Now that my children are getting older, it seems that more of my busyness has to do with their busyness and not just my own. Besides my choir concerts and handbell concerts (which went very well I must say), I am now heading to Christmas parades and piano recitals and school Christmas programs and helping prepare school presentations. The things we do for our children.

Since it is Advent, we talk a lot about Baby Jesus and how he came to us in such a fragile form. Of course, this talk of babies always makes us think about our own little ones and what changes they have made to our lives. Before my first child was born, I don't know how many people told me: "Congratulations. Being a parent will change your life." This was somewhat frustrating to me because I wanted to say: "I know that. If I were not ready for it, I would not have decided to be a parent." I know that this was a very arrogant, youthful thing to say, but it was exactly how I felt at the time.

And, of course, having a child did change my life. Besides the mundane watching, clothing, changing, feeding, there were more striking changes--worry about strangers, what if they choked to death, or what if they were not intelligent or musical. Well, maybe worry about musicality is not quite in the same league as stranger danger, but I still worried about it.

I think the greatest change had to do with perspective. You are not aware of how much you can love another person until you have a child. My life changed that day in 1999 when a little girl looked up at me for the first time. I never asked myself: "What am I going to do with this child?" Somehow, I knew what to do and never worried about that. But, my perspective on the world completely changed. I did not want my child to grow up in fear of what she could not be, but to look at challenges as doors to greater opportunities. I wanted my child to grow up in a world that is different than the one I grew up in. I actually began to wonder about nuclear disarmament and starving children in Africa.

I began to worry about people who were not like me. When someone disregards the least of these, I now wonder how their parents must feel. I noticed myself becoming far more understanding and compassionate, and much less judgmental because I began to notice more and more the flaws I have, often times magnified by my children's actions. And, I worried that someone might come along who would not be as compassionate or understanding to me or my children because I had failed to show the same to someone else's child. So, more often than not, I err on the side of doing what is kind rather than what is right.

This is not to say that I have mastered these more highly evolved emotions and understandings. I still have those people in my life that push all the wrong buttons in me and that I sometimes wonder when the time will come when I can give up on them. A wise person told me not long ago: "I would hate to think there would ever come a time when someone gave up on me."

All of this has gone to show me just how selfish I have been for most of my life. Children have a way of bringing this to the forefront. I now worry more that my children are happy and healthy and have what they need rather than worrying about these things with regard to myself. I wonder about those parents who never learn this lesson.

Now that I have three children who are growing up and trying their best to be independent little women, these lessons are all the more important. We are doing our best to not overload them on Christmas gifts (3 gifts were enough for the Baby Jesus, you know) but to introduce to them, through loving parents, the love of a Father who gave us the ultimate gift.

Peace on earth and goodwill to all of you.

Atlanta for Thanksgiving

2008-11-30T19:39:00.007-06:00

So, this past Wednesday morning I had a funeral--the first I have done in several weeks. This has actually been a low season for funerals around here, so far at least.

Well, we left for Atlanta in the mid-afternoon on Wednesday and got there fairly late that night. We got caught in some holiday traffic that we were not expecting, so it took us a little longer to get to our hotel. It was really nice. We stayed at the W Hotel Midtown which had a wonderful view of downtown Atlanta and was just down the street from several things we wanted to see while we were there. When we pulled up, the valet took our car and we had a very nice bellman with a British accent named Jason who helped us with our luggage and was our all around flunky for a few minutes. He definitely earned his tips when, after being out for most of the day on Thanksgiving, he called us by name when we returned to the hotel. Misty was very impressed. We stayed on the fifteenth floor of the hotel and it is one of those hotels where the rooms all have floor to ceiling windows. The 3 little angels acted like they had never seen anything quite so wonderful. I forget that we really do live in a small town and they rarely see a big city.

Thanksgiving Day we slept in late and decided to go look for something for lunch around 11:30 or so. Well, every restaurant that was anywhere near our hotel was closed for the holiday. So, we decided that since we could not find a place to have Thanksgiving lunch, we would go on to the King Tut exhibit and take our chances there. Well, we had borrowed a GPS system from our youth minister at the church and we used it to find our way to the civic center where the Tutankhamun: The Golden King and the Great Pharaohs exhibit was to be held. When we pulled up, there was not a soul to be seen. I got a little worried since we had paid a pretty penny for these tickets. When we got to the other side, we saw several cars so my worries went away. We had timed tickets, but because of the holiday traffic for the exhibit was slow, we were able to go in early. We did finally get to have lunch at the "Cairo Cafe." We had bowls of chicken noodle soup and some sandwiches. Kind of sad, really. After lunch, we went through the 90-minute exhibit which was very nice and well worth the time and money to get there. The girls did very well, even the little ones. They did not sit on anything which was a blessing. When we went to see the Hatshepsut exhibit in Fort Worth, Elizabeth, who was three then, tried to sit next to a sphinx that was like 3800 years old. Scary. After the exhibit we saw a 3-D movie about Egypt. This was probably the girls' favorite part. We then found a park for the girls to run off some excess energy and then we were off to dinner.

For dinner we went to Benihana. The irony of spending Thanksgiving dinner at a Japanese restaurant, like the sad folks at the end of A Christmas Story, was not lost on us. Since it was Madeline's birthday, they sang for her and gave her a hat made of balloons. She did not know what to think of the experience. We had not been to Benihana in quite some time, maybe once since we left the Dallas area, so it was kind of nostalgic for us. We asked for Pab, our favorite waitress. Not really.

Black Friday we went to visit the High Museum of Art which was just a couple of blocks from our hotel. The place was a mad house of activity. Their big exhibit now is the Terracotta Warriors that were buried in the tomb complex of the first emperor of China. The High Museum is very nice and the exhibit was great. We spent a good bit of the morning and early afternoon there and then we decided to do the unthinkable--we went to the mall. I have made it a tenet of my religious faith to never go to the mall on Black Friday. I remember now why I made that vow. We drove to the suburbs, to Alpharetta to go to the American Girl Store and to look for a purse for Misty. I had promised to buy Misty a Dooney and Bourke purse if Madeline finished potty training before her third birthday. Well, she did, so it was time to pay the piper. We found her a nice purse and it was even on sale, so I lucked out. We let the girls ride the carousel and then we were off to the other side of Atlanta. We found another park for the girls to play in and then we went to Pappasito's Cantina for dinner. We have not found a Mexican restaurant we really like in Panama City so we were in need of a Tex-Mex fix.

We really liked Atlanta and felt very at home there. I really feel at home in a city and miss the conveniences and the faster pace of life. I know that some day we will have to move back to a city for sanity's sake. I miss having cultural outlets, if nothing else. I am sure we will visit there more often.

Saturday morning we left for home. We had a nice time and a much-needed getaway before the Christmas season officially began today. I have something every night of the next week. What joy.

On a much sadder note, on our way back from Atlanta we found out that a person who is close to some folks we are close to took their own life Saturday morning. We did not know this person, but the repercussions of this act will definitely be felt around us. This is never easy, but it is just horrible at this time of the year. So many questions. Please pray for the family.

Hope

2008-11-25T13:36:00.004-06:00

It has been twenty days since my last blog entry. Things have been fine around my part of the world, but increasingly busy as we near the Christmas season. I loathe the lead up to Christmas, but everyone seems to love it so much that I hate to be a party pooper. Tomorrow I have a funeral to do in the morning and then we will be off for our trip to Atlanta. I am really looking forward to some time away, even if it is only a couple of days. Sometimes just a change of scenery is enough to put a new perspective on life.

Over the last couple of weeks, we have been potty training young Miss Madeline. Misty took off a day of work at the beginning of the month to help jump start her pottying progress. I do not know what it is about my children, but none of them have had little issue with the sensation of wetting themselves or otherwise. They were just as happy as a lark to stay that way forever. So, Madeline has been the same. I tried to reason with her at first. "Why would you want to live that way?" It is difficult to encourage a toddler to look deep within herself for answers to life's puzzling questions. Well, as the weeks have progressed she has been very successful at home and at her preschool. She will turn three on Thanksgiving Day and we were determined she would be trained by her birthday. She has given up diapers and her pacifier in a short span of time. Thank God for small miracles.

In other news ~ These have been turbulent weeks for our country. The election season finally closed with Missouri being called for Senator McCain, though it was severely anticlimactic since over 8.5 million more people voted for Obama and he was well on his transitional way by last week.

I have been thinking a lot about HOPE lately. Hope was Obama's catch-phrase during the election and clearly resonated with voters at a time when the country appears a little hopeless. Now, whether or not I believe he will be able to deliver all the things he says he will is beyond the scope of this entry, but at the very least he was able to strike a chord with many who were in need of a little hope. I think one of the saddest things for me during this past season was just how void of hope the Republican campaign was this year. I do not want to denigrate McCain or Palin, and much has been written and discussed about the problems of their campaign and why it failed, but I really think the main reason was that they missed this strong need for hope that Americans have been crying out for. I remember Sarah Palin in her speech at the Republican National Convention railing against hopemongers and all the Messianic attributes attached to Barack Obama. I seem to remember something about a winged horse from heaven or something to that effect. I thought it was a pretty good speech.

I guess my problem is that so many evangelicals cling to the Republican party as the standard bearer for God and country that to hear the person that many look to as the salvation of the Republican party denigrating someone basically because their message was hope was the last straw for me. Here is the crux: We as Christians are meant to give hope to the world. The light of Christ brings hope into the world for all people. We are to be the bearers of this hope. Hope is one of the big three: faith, hope, and love. Is there anything more Christian than to offer another person hope? Take Obama and anything overtly political out of the equation. What is wrong with hope?

I understand that many see Obama as an anti-Christian leader because of his stance on certain social issues. I am not going to deny any of these issues, nor will I bring up any of the myriad of social issues many Christians could care less about. But I wonder if it is ever right to denigrate hope or to say that hope is something to be scoffed at, something for naive idealists.

I admit that I am an idealist. It is one of my greatest strengths and one of my greatest weaknesses. I want to believe the best about people and I am often disappointed by them when they do not live up to what I believe they are capable of. But I am hopeful that soon our country will be on better footing throughout the world, that we will begin to come together in a way that we have not in a long time.

I am also hopeful Christian leaders will stop talking about the good old days when everyone was white and went to church. Truth is, more people attend church regularly in 2008 than ever before in the history of our nation. Maybe these are the good days, we just don't recognize them. Maybe we just need a little hope.

P. S.: Just so it is completely understood: I do not think Obama is the second coming. I do not think Sarah Palin is a moose-killing hatemonger. I do not think McCain is a hateful old beer distributor. But I do think Focus on the Family may just be a little bit divisive and here's why . . . .

Who Knew I Lived in a Blue State?

2008-11-05T15:19:00.003-06:00

Well, it seems like something happened last night. I can't quite put my finger on it. Oh yeah, the world may have changed. I am pleased to be able to say I got to vote for the first African-American President. I must admit that I am still a little stunned that our country has grown up enough to elect someone who is not an old white man. I cannot imagine what it must feel like for African Americans across the nation to be able to truthfully tell their children that one day they could be president. I don't think I ever thought this would happen in my lifetime. But to see all the civil rights leaders with tears streaming down their faces in amazement, it was truly a moving moment. I am just glad I was able to witness it.

It is interesting, but it appears, at least from my analysis of the election returns, that many Republicans left Mr. McCain high and dry on election day. I may have this all wrong, but back in 2004, George Bush won 51% of the vote for a total of 62,040,606 votes (286 electoral votes). John Kerry won 48% of the vote for a total of 59,028,109 votes (252 electoral votes). Now the returns are still not at 100%, but if you look at the preliminary numbers, Barack Obama won 53% of the popular vote with 63,607,129 votes (349 electoral votes as it stands now, but I assume he will end up with North Carolina's 15 votes for a total of 364) and John McCain won 46% of the popular vote with 56,218,351 votes (163 electoral votes as it stands now, but I assume he will end up with Missouri's 11 votes for a total of 174).

The difference between Bush and Kerry was 3, 012,497 votes. The difference as it stands now (with 97% of precincts reporting) between Obama and McCain was 7,388,778 votes. So, looking at these numbers, Obama beat Bush's popular total by over 1.5 million votes. McCain's total was under Kerry's by just over 2.8 million votes. So the total difference as it stands now is about 1.25 million less votes in 2008 than in 2004. Granted, some votes have not been counted yet and the numbers will change slightly over the next month until they are certified, but this is significant considering how many pundits kept talking about how so many more would be voting this time around. I wonder if it was Independents who stayed home or if it was conservatives who did not trust McCain to be truly conservative.

And, shock of all shocks, I now live in a BLUE state. Granted, I live in one of the reddest counties in Florida, and I have already been shunned once today. McCain carried my county with 70% of the vote to Obama's 29%. I guess it is irrelevant now how my county voted. I do have an Obama pin and bumper sticker that will go into my box of memories but, unfortunately not on my car. Don't want to get shot.

Election Day 2008 ~ Do Conservatives Have More Fun?

2008-11-04T08:54:00.005-06:00

There was an interesting article in the New York Times today about the differences in the way conservatives and liberals view humor. Maybe liberals are humorless?

Here is a quote:

“Conservatives tend to be happier than liberals in general,” said Dr. Martin, a psychologist at the University of Western Ontario. “A conservative outlook rationalizes social inequality, accepting the world as it is, and making it less of a threat to one’s well-being, whereas a liberal outlook leads to dissatisfaction with the world as it is, and a sense that things need to change before one can be really happy.”

Happy voting! Here are a couple reminders of the past election season:

UPDATE: Thanks, Tim, for this new picture.

All Saints Sunday Should Be My Birthday

2008-11-02T18:20:00.007-06:00

So we took the girls to the church's annual "Trunk or Treat" Friday evening. It was fun and I got to take Madeline down the slide several times (see above). The girls went on a hayride and got enough candy for me for the rest of the year. And that brings me to my first confession of the day: I think I have gained 5 pounds, so I started running again. I had become a slacker, which is all too easy for me, and I forget that my metabolism will not stay up forever unless I shake my groove thang or whatever. So, after church today, which was filled with remembrances of church members who have passed on, handbell playing and choir singing par excellence, I came home, had lunch and ran for 45 minutes. I am finding that this time around, I am not in as good of shape as I was the last time I ran, so I am feeling the burn hours later. The joys of being a fatty and not wanting to end up with diabetes or a club foot or whatever.

As I write to you I am enjoying the best day of the year, the day when we Fall Back. It is the best day ever. The only thing that is not good about it is that evening comes so quickly now. It is amazing, but here in northwest Florida, we are so close to the dividing line between Eastern and Central time (we are about 45 minutes west of the line) that darkness falls inordinately quicker here than it did in Texas. No joke, in Texas the summer days would last until after 8:00 p. m. Here we are lucky if it is not completely dark by 7:00--in July! So, the dark days are worse it seems. Maybe I just have to find something to complain about. This is a blog after all.

I am finding that my funk has lifted, thank God, and as long as I keep on running, I am sure it will stay away for some time. The dark passenger averted for a time. My children are no help here. Emma is getting to be such a mini-adult it really bothers me. We spent an hour at Justice for Girls in the mall while she tried on everything in the store and ended up with a pair of jeans, a jacket, and a couple of shirts courtesy of the elder Mrs. Keaton's gift cards. In some ways it is a lot of fun that she is growing up. She told me she knew who I voted for today. I asked her how that was possible and she told me that I never talk about John McCain, so she deduced I had voted for Obama. I told her that it really was no one's business who I voted for, but I did say it was about time a black person became president. It was interesting because she mentioned that it would be a first for an African American to become president, but that if McCain won he would be the oldest president and we would have the first woman Vice-President, not just one but two historical firsts. I did not have the heart to tell her that the one so far trumped the other two, at least in my opinion. Anyway, I am a big ol' frickin' Democrat so how do you expect me to vote?

I just finished up playing and singing with the children's "choir" here at church. A small aside: I do not mention my political leanings at church for fear that someone may think I am a socialist (like the early apostles), or I want to spread the wealth around (yes, please, give the wealth to me), or that I just might be a baby killer. And don't get me started on the issue of greedy capitalism being equated with loving Jesus. I am not going to even say it. I heard a funny, but sad quote Friday night from Bill Maher (which proves I may be the Antichrist) that went something like this: "Barack Obama spent 20 years in a United Church of Christ which proves he is a Muslim. John McCain spent most of his life avoiding going to church which proves he is a Christian."

I have come to the realization that in less than 2 days the election will be over. I do not think it is a lock for Obama. I mean, George Bush got elected twice (really only won once, but hey, let's not bore you with facts) and he was behind most of the election season. Even the exit polls appeared to show John Kerry winning (thank God he did not). I will likely be unable to rest until I know who won, and I pray that we do not have another 2000 and not know for months who "won."

For as happy as I am today, I sure sound cranky tonight. Sorry about that.

May God bless America, all of it, including the parts that are not really America. I think it may be beyond praying that everyone can just get along, but I am going to try it out anyway. God is bigger than all of this, I just hope Christians can be "big" about however the election ends up. I am not holding out much hope.

Peace.

All Hallows' Eve

2008-10-31T15:10:00.004-05:00

Today may be the Devil's day, but it has so far been a fitting end to a week that started very weirdly for me. I am in a much better mood now that I have solidified our Thanksgiving plans. It looks like we will indeed go to Atlanta for the holiday and see the King Tut exhibit and visit the High Museum of Art. I miss museums and I want to torture my children with them for a little bit. And it gives me something to look forward to and I think I need that right now.

Speaking of children, Emma and Elizabeth got their first report card of the school year this week. Emma got a certificate for making all A's, the first time in her life she has been graded with ABC's instead of E's and S's. She is a smart little girl and does well in school, but is more of an over-achiever than a genius (she is the first child). She reminds me of myself. She puts all too much pressure on herself. She has meltdowns in class and her 3rd grade teacher had to have a talk with her about needing to find the fun and not worry so much. My 3rd grade teacher told me the exact same things, with the exception that she was a fundy and told me God was displeased with my inability to give it all to Jesus. Moving on.

Elizabeth's first report card in Kindergarten was chock full of "surprises." We understand that the two children are very different. Night and day have as much in common. Liz is a smart girl too, but her interest in education is not what Emma's is. Part of this, I am sure, has to do with their birth order and their place in the family. When Emma was born, we took her to museums and all manner of cultural events. She went to a very structured preschool and then to a very good Kindergarten class full of other teachers' children. Then we moved and things here are very different. We sent Elizabeth to the best preschool in town, which happens to be at our church. But the emphasis of most preschools around here is on social interaction rather than on academic achievement. Elizabeth has the social interaction part down, in fact she has really flourished socially since we have been in Florida, especially considering how introverted she is. What she lacks is the patience for the book learnin.' I am sure she will come around eventually, and she really did not have a disastrous report card by any stretch of the imagination. It's just we never saw any of those grades from Emma (or from Mom and Dad for that matter).

But the truth is, neither Misty nor I can completely understand what it is like to be a middle child. Both of us were the first child of our respective parents (Misty was adopted and was the second child in her family unit, but the first child of her biological mother) and played that role in our families. Because of that, there is often an interesting dynamic in our present household because both of us are in charge. But for our little middle angel, it is hard for us to grasp what it must be like to be compared to another sibling. And she was still very young when Madeline came along, so she had very little time to be the baby and our move to Florida did a number on her more so than any of the other children. There were times when we would pull up to our house, and mind you, she was not yet 3 years old when we moved, and she would say that she wanted to go home. When we explained that we were home, she would say that she wanted to go back to our real home.

That dilemma has long since passed, but understanding her quirks has been a great challenge because she really does not act like either of us parents. Not really. I mean, I am really an introvert, but I have pretended to be extroverted for so long that most people are still surprised to find this out about me. Maybe she acts more like me than I want to admit. Hmm. Anyway, I do wonder whether or not having an additional little one made it more difficult for us to give her the attention she needed early on. Some of her low spots on her report card are things that I think we let slide because we had enough to worry about without bothering to correct her grammar (or we thought it was cute). I am sure she will catch up soon enough. I just want to be fair with all of my children and make sure they get the same advantages or experiences. Granted that is not completely possible, and neither of our younger girls will ever know what it is like to be the only one. At least she is pretty. Enough.

Tonight we go back to church for our annual "Trunk or Treat" event for the children. It was pretty cold the first few days of the week, but it has moved back into the mid-70s so I guess it will be a shorts night. We will pass out candy and all that fun stuff from the back of our van. When we were still in Dallas, I had two vans pull over at two different gas stations (on two different occasions) and offer to sell me some speakers. I guess I looked gullible. But you should hear those speakers now. Sweet. Just kidding, and sorry for dropping the "sweet" bomb. I should be punished.

Peace.

Voting for That One

2008-10-30T11:49:00.003-05:00

Ever since I got sick a few weeks ago, I have been in a funk. Not an out and out depression, just a blue time. Part of this is due to the fact that we are nearing the holiday season and since we moved to Florida this is not a particularly happy time for me. December is still fine. We are so busy with concerts and events and church activities that we don't have time to consider much else. And, we always go "home" for Christmas. But Thanksgiving comes so close to December that there is really no way for us to make another trip in that short of a time. We have begun to do things on our own, and the first year we were here people invited us over, but it was not the same. The food was different than our traditional fare, and so we have bowed out gracefully ever since. This year it looks like we are going to visit Atlanta for the Thanksgiving holiday. A new King Tut exhibit opens there next month and we thought that would be interesting and a diversion right before the Christmas season begins.

Confession 1: I early voted last Thursday. I stood in a relatively short line and was finished in less than 20 minutes due to the fact that I had already decided who to vote for, wrote down my votes on a post-it note, and just went in and filled in the ovals. Florida's governor extended early voting hours this week because of the great turn out. Who knows what that means. Everyone on TV says it means something else. I posted that I had early voted on my Facebook page and it started a little uproar. I said "Yippee for Democracy" and several people decided they needed to make sure I had voted the right way or just make a joke. I enjoyed the jokes. As if voting for "that one" was somehow completely inappropriate. I also read on a "friend's" profile just last night that anyone who voted for Obama must be an idiot. I have heard so many negative things about the man this week that I want to throw up. I am so ready for this to be over. I recognize that the divisiveness will not go away any time soon, but at least the race will be over.

I have heard comments like "We are giving our country away." It reminds me of the 1992 race when Clinton won and the evangelical world was all in an uproar. Our country was somehow irredeemable. It seems to me that we also went into a period of great growth and reevaluation within the conservative movement in general and with the religious branch of that movement in particular. So, it may be that we will see some better things come out of the church if we will be willing to put politics aside and begin to care about what is most important for the church to care for--people, seeing Christ's kingdom built in this world, and preparing disciplined spiritual warriors. So, just maybe, the church is about to experience something wonderful no matter who wins the election. And, if the future follows history's model, an Obama presidency and a Democratic Congress will likely lead to a Republican majority in 2010. So, give it a couple of years and then let's talk. Unless, of course, he is the Antichrist. But we will likely know if 3.5 years or so. Unless, we are believers in a pre-tribulation rapture, then the Christians won't be here much longer, say only until January 19, 2009. (This is not a prediction, this is sarcasm and should be read as such.)

Confession 2: I went to see High School Musical 3 last Friday with the family. I never go to the movies. I don't care to be with other people that much, but I admit I wanted to see the singing and the dancing. It was a fine little movie and my children loved it. I think it is interesting how many musicals there have been made into movies lately. It begins to make me wonder if Hollywood knows we are in for a recession. Think about the number of musicals made during the 1930s. There was a reason for this: no one wanted to think about real life, they wanted to escape it. Personally, I like the HSM movies, but since I have had children I have joined the cult of Disney, so my reviews may be tainted.

Confession 3: I had the weirdest conversation this past week. A woman who is really involved at my church came into my office to talk about some things and noticed one of my diplomas on the wall. She commented that it was from Oklahoma and mentioned that she had lived in Oklahoma several years ago when she first got married. It ended up she worked at Quail Springs Mall at John A. Brown (a store which has not existed since about 1986) and lived near the mall and went to the same United Methodist church that my grandparents attended. It was surreal and brought back a lot of memories for me.

It is funny, but since I moved to Florida my memories of Oklahoma have gotten better. Maybe living in Texas was part of the problem since Texans do not care much for Oklahoma. It could also be that over the last few months I have been put in contact with several old friends from Oklahoma, many of which I have not seen or spoken to in MANY years. It has helped me to put a gentler spin on my memories. I am beginning to remember more of the positive things, which is a new trick for me. I have come to understand my father's fascination with his hometown a little better. He and my mother grew up in a place that for him was idyllic (I don't know that I would go so far as to say my childhood was idyllic, but go with me on this one) and he always enjoyed going back to visit, even though the town had just about dried up by the 1980s. He would have never moved back, but it was an idea I think he probably entertained at some point, maybe just out of nostalgia.

I have no desire whatsoever to move back to Oklahoma any time ever, but at least I have begun to think more positively of my growing up there. And that is not to say that things were unduly difficult for me while I was growing up, not any more than any adolescent I suppose. But I feel there is something to be said (whether subconsciously or otherwise) for how little contact I have had with most of the people I grew up with. Maybe most people grow up, move away and go on with their lives. I know that almost immediately after I graduated from high school, I lost track of most of my senior class (as most people tend to do), but I think the difference is that many of us had been together for many years in a very contained environment. Maybe that made it all the more profound and significant for me to relinquish that lifeline so quickly after having it for so long. But that has been the pattern for my life since then, giving up those things that I thought were precious for something better but scarier.

[Okay, I admit that I was in a funk when I saw High School Musical and with that surreal conversation about Oklahoma City following so closely after seeing it (and a bit of high school-like intrigue at the community college last week), these were my thoughts. I am insane.]

Peace.

Returning to Form

2008-10-20T18:15:00.002-05:00

So, I have been out of the blogosphere for some time now. I had a week or so where I felt just awful. I had a sinus infection/allergy episode and for a few days I could not talk (which was nice). People always wonder what happens when I get sick. The truth is I feel like I am going on a short vacation.

So, to catch up for the last couple of weeks: Two Sundays ago we had our annual Children's Sabbath in which the children are "in charge" of the Sunday services. Now, I do not remember a whole lot of it, even though I was heavily involved this time around, because I was overly medicated from the above mentioned sinus episode. Emma got to lead the Call to Worship and sang in a little group of girls. It was hard to hear Emma because one of the other girls was a mic hog. All in all it went well. I asked our worship team to help play for the children and it made a big difference (much better than having me play solo).

I have a confession to make: Much of the time I really think of myself as a patient (in public) person, but I had a really bad episode of impatience around the first of October. I have mentioned that the first day of class in August I went to class and all the students had a new textbook--one that I did not have. I got over this pretty quickly, but I have come to realize that it may have been festering more than I wanted to admit. Well, three weeks ago, I went to the college and went to borrow a key (I have since gotten a key of my own, but that is another much more mundane story) to get into the studio where I have been teaching every Friday for the last year and a half. When I opened the door, I quickly realized that there was no piano in the room. I was not happy and one of the other faculty members said she would have a piano moved in immediately. I said it was not a problem and went into a practice room for the day. It turns out that "my" piano had been given to another instructor who was new this semester. At the end of the day, my last student commented that she had heard that many of my students would be returning to their previous teacher in the spring. Now, if you recall, I took on several additional students to help out the college because one of the other instructors had to have an emergency triple bypass. Well, it turns out one of the faculty members went to visit him in the rehabilitation center and told him he could have all of his students back. She was trying to be nice, but she kind of put me and the student who told me this information on the spot. The poor girl felt bad because she thought I knew about it and she was also a little worried because she did not really know the man she had been promised to. This was the same scenario for all but one of the five additional students I picked up. Well, I was not happy and with three things to aggravate me, I decided it was time to send an email requesting clarification of our policies. It was nice, but clearly indicated my displeasure at finding these things out in a second-hand manner. I never realized how passive aggressive I can be. Everything within me said: "Just shut up about it and everything will work out." I did not listen. Everything did work out, and it was probably a good thing that I was able to communicate some of my frustrations before they became actual issues. The next week, my conversations with the faculty and the students helped to clarify that there was no problem at all. Those students who wanted to stay with me could. I got another piano moved into "my" studio, etc.

Now, here's why I feel bad still. The man that caused all of this discombobulation died a little over a week ago. If I had listened to that inner voice and left bad enough alone, there would have never been any issue. Death has a way of closing the door. Oh well, I will get over it. I just feel like a person. I hate that.

Speaking of my students: I have mentioned this one student before who is very articulate and able to discuss deeper topics with some acumen. She is very conservative, as I have mentioned before and she is really having a struggle coping with life at the secular community college. Most of the people there are very nice, but even the Christians "act like the world" according to her. She thinks there is nothing to set them apart. She mentioned some students that I know well and know to be committed Christians, and she said that "you would never know they are Christians." She will likely end up going to a very conservative Christian college soon because she cannot deal with being around worldly folks. I cannot say how much she reminds me of myself at her age. She is too old for her own good. She has great difficulty understanding and relating to people her own age. Part of this is because she was home schooled and part of it is because she comes from such a conservative family (no pants, no dating, etc.). I hope she will be okay.

I wonder how on earth I was able to remove myself enough from my conservative past to go to real universities. I mean, everybody was a "sinner" when I was in undergrad. When I was at SMU, half the campus was gay or bi-curious, everybody was a drunk (at one time SMU was VERY high on the list of preppy party schools), and the ones who were in the theological school likely did not believe in Jesus's existence, let alone his divinity. It was a beautiful place, and I learned to flourish as a conservative Christian in that environment. I began to learn for the first time what I actually believed, what I could leave behind as cultural biases, and what I might need to pick up. Granted, it was not over night that I was able to make some of these distinctions, and it would take several years before some of the things I learned would come to fruition, but at least I was able to step way outside my region of comfort in order to learn some lessons that I could not have possibly learned if I had remained confined to my evangelical bubble.

This student also mentioned something striking to me that reminded me of a couple of my former students. She said that she did not feel that she was complimented enough at the community college. She mentioned a former teacher who was very hard on her, but was also very complimentary so she felt like even though she was not performing to her potential, at least the teacher thought she had potential. In my mind, I was immediately taken back to my office on the fourth floor of the administration building at Southwestern almost ten years ago now. I had these two students who were probably two of my best students, one of which basically took my place at the college when I left. They sat me down one day and, dead seriously asked me what they needed to do for me to be complimentary of them. In their estimation they did everything I asked of them, but I never seemed to be completely pleased. At that time, I told them that I was pleased with what they were doing, but I knew they were capable of so much more and that when they started performing on that level, then maybe I would be more complimentary. Truth is, I very rarely remember my voice teachers every being all that complimentary of me. I knew they thought I was talented. I would not have been in their studios if I was not. They always pushed me to be better. It did not mean I was not any good, it meant there was still more room for growth. I think I would have been suspicious of a teacher who was too complimentary. As for my students, I have a high bar because I know what is truly good (and how rare I actually hear it). This came up again today when another student mentioned that before she ever met with me, she asked one of my other new students what to expect when meeting me. He commented that I listened to him sing and then said "Okay" and that was about it. I guess more people expect to hear a "Wow" and maybe I should work on that. How does this sound: "Wow. That was mediocre."

How much do we need the approval of others? I like to think I don't, but the truth is I keep much to myself for fear of what others will think. Take politics for example. I am only honest here. I rarely mention my political leanings to anyone because I get these horrified looks that scream, "I thought you were smarter than that" or something worse like "and you call yourself a Christian?" So I have pretty much kept to myself for the last couple of months. I get tired of hearing about how Obama will bring about the end of the world or that God's reputation will forever be besmirched if Obama wins because it means Christians could not pray hard enough. I was going to go and vote today since early voting started in Florida today, but the line was too long when I went by the election board this afternoon and I did not want to carry Madeline with me into a long line.

And finally, today is Emma's 9th birthday. It is hard to believe what has happened in the last nine years. I have been to several different countries and moved halfway across my own country. I have moved further toward the center of the theological spectrum which continues to exhilarate and frighten me. I have seen craziness take hold of both ends of the political spectrum and the division in our country become so large that I wonder if we will ever be able to agree to disagree without vilifying each other. Maybe I just want my conservative compatriots to still love me and not vilify me now that I have become a liberal.

I have come to realize that my early-life pessimism couched an optimism and wide-eyed idealism that causes me such grief when I hear people spouting rhetoric full of hate when they are really good people and should know better. I have learned that it is hard for most people to be sympathetic toward people who are not like them and see them as people and not just as a group (the poor, the gay community, another ethnic group, whoever). I may feel compassion for the poor and the oppressed but that does not necessarily mean I want to live in the same neighborhoods where all the drive-by shootings occur and where it is easiest to find drugs. I have learned that people are capable of great love and great evil, and that these forces are all too often at work within the same person. I have learned that even though I can talk about these things in a rational manner, I still fall prey to the same forces that I so detest in others. Maybe this is the reason they bother me so much. But I have to continue to believe the world can be a place of wonder and joy, a world that is full of adventures that I want to share with my children.

I have to believe this world can exist.

A Sad Day When God is That Small

2008-10-20T14:35:00.002-05:00

A week or so ago I heard this on the news and it bothered me. Then it appeared in my email this morning and I thought I would share it.

When did God get so small that He cannot work if the President is not a Republican? When did we get so angry with each other that we cannot even agree to disagree over politics? What happens if the one we think is the bigger sinner wins? Does that mean God failed?

Passionless Existence?

2008-10-06T18:18:00.002-05:00

So the last week has been another week full of weird thoughts.

It is a little ironic that immediately after writing my last blog about all things political, I had an encounter with my music appreciation class. The story goes something like this. This young woman, whose neck and political leanings are red, came into class and asked me if I liked Obama or McCain. I was noncommittal so she went on to describe this website with all of these jokes about Obama. This led to an "interesting" altercation of sorts between several of the students. It was congenial, but this same young woman commented that she might move to Canada if Obama was elected president. I did not have the heart to tell her they have universal health care and are much more socialistic. Someone else commented that Canada was getting hard to immigrate to. Then the other young woman dropped the bombshell. "I am afraid that Obama is the Antichrist and that all the stuff in Revelation will come to pass if he is elected." There was silence and nervous laughter when much of the class realized she was not kidding. She did tell us it was not because he is BLACK. I told her, after I picked up my mouth off the floor, that if Obama was indeed the Antichrist, then we needed to pray that he would be elected in order to bring on end times events. Then everything would be better.

I had this interesting conversation with an African-American student who has grown up in a military family and has been primarily home-schooled for much of her life. She is articulate and well-versed in current affairs. She is one student with whom I am able to have an intelligent conversation about politics or other pertinent topics. She is a Baptist. I have no problem asking dumb questions. We talked about whether or not the black man can get a break. She talked about how difficult it is for her to communicate with others of her race since she has been socialized primarily with Anglo-Americans and has been well-educated and has no interest in pretending to be something she is not. What struck me was how much she was like me when I was her age: pro-capital punishment, extremely pro-life, hates fags, thinks inmates want to be in prison, etc. I did not say much, but in the end I told her that I used to feel the same way, until I realized that I was a sinner and needed people to be compassionate toward me sometimes. It is hard to be pro-life when it is fine to send people to the electric chair (many of whom are people of color, so don't get me started). I told her if we were to be pro-life, we needed to be interested in dealing with poverty and improving educational opportunities for the poor not just preach on about the evils of abortion (which, are many, I agree). I also told her that it is easy to be in favor of capital punishment until you meet someone who has had a member of their family face the death sentence. Things look different when they have a name and a face.

I received an email from a "friend" of mine who is what one might call a Messianic Christian. She is a Gentile who absolutely loves Israel and thinks that we all should love Israel just as much. She is very opposed to any concession of land to the Palestinians because God gave Israel that land. When we worked together, it was difficult for me to be completely neutral because I have visited Israel and the West Bank and see the plight of the Palestinians. It is also hard to explain that one can be both pro-Israel and in favor of human rights for the Palestinians. Well, God help us, Sarah Palin, in the vice-presidential debate last Thursday mentioned that the two-state solution was the only solution to the Middle East peace process. Well this friend is devastated.

My point is not to deal with the political ramifications at the heart of the Middle East peace process. What struck me, and has always struck me about this person, is how passionate she is about Israel, often to the extreme. I have at times thought she sees things where nothing exists. But, come what may, she will stand by her strong-held beliefs, beliefs that she feels follow whole-heartedly after God's plan for his chosen people. Whether she is right or wrong, I will leave up to the Lord to judge. It is neither here nor there.

I just have to ask myself: Is there anything in my life that I am so passionate about that I am willing to walk off the proverbial cliff for? Is there anything that I believe so strongly that I am willing to give up everything to follow after it?

I hear the sound of crickets chirping as I think about it. I wonder what the ramifications of a passionless existence truly are. Granted, I was willing to drop everything that seemed important to me in order to make the biggest change in my life to follow after God's calling. But that was yesterday. I wonder how often we need to reevaluate how we are doing in the passion department. Every year? Every month? Every day? Hourly?

In other news:
I received word that I had been accepted into the Master of Arts in Theological Studies program at Asbury Theological Seminary and I will begin classes in January 2009. I guess I am excited. I will be taking a course on campus in Kentucky in January and then I will take a couple of courses through Asbury's distance education program.

I am looking for money. Any givers? My new ministry will be called Christian Academics Studying from Home. You can make checks out to C A S H.

Separation of Church and State?

2008-10-01T11:00:00.002-05:00

I heard this minister on NPR the other day talking about how he was encouraging his congregation from the pulpit to vote for John McCain. And, better yet, he is playing chicken with the IRS. It sounds like he wants a legal battle to redefine the nature of tax exemption and what religious leaders are allowed to discuss in their houses of worship. His argument centers on the idea that the IRS regulation in only about 50 years old, while the 1st Amendment is 220 years old and therefore more binding. Thoughts?

"Ask Me About My Divorce"

2008-10-01T09:32:00.003-05:00

These last few weeks have been some of the most worrisome that I have seen in a long time. I realized Friday that I was absolutely in a frenzied state of mind. I have this mellow professional persona that belies a passive aggressive tendency. See, I can take a few not-so positive things happening in the world around me, but lay on several more and I begin to see conspiracies. This happened to me Friday, and I will not go into the specifics, mainly because they are ridiculous and would make me look like a moron if I spelled out what led to my psychotic break. Things are fine now, but I am beginning to see that I might need to be more honest about things that bother me than to passively say they do not until twelve things pile up and I have an aneurysm.

As everyone in the world, I am concerned about the crisis in the financial markets. I have no money, but I always thought one day I might. Maybe not. Some people told my wife yesterday they could not vote for Obama because Democrats are socialists. Only Republicans stand for democracy and free market enterprise. I thought this was funny, considering that Congress is debating a bill to bail out Wall Street from a very Republican president that sounds very socialistic to me. I thought Republicans were all about personal responsibility. This bill does not sound very Republican to me. Dear God, does that mean President Bush is a socialist? Okay, there go the conspiracy theories again. It is also striking that the same person who told her Democrats were socialists was also opposed to Obama's idea of making community service a more integral part of high schoolers' education. This at a school that requires parents to log in at least 20 hours of volunteer service to the school each year. The question comes back: "Would you have a problem with an idea like this if John McCain had thought of it?"

It is just funny to me that we hear what we want to hear. I have heard people say that at the debate Friday night Obama kept talking in circles. I wonder how many times we needed to hear about the surge from McCain to make his point clear. Point is, they are both politicians and they will say what they think needs to be said to stimulate their voters. And has anyone noticed that McCain has gotten considerably more conservative over the course of the last two years than he ever was before? I remember thinking he might be the devil in 2000 because he was not very kind to the religious right. So, it is difficult for me to hear him talk so pretty about Jesus when I am not convinced this is not a political ploy.

So what is it with evangelicals? It is like some kind of Pavlovian response. We hear somebody say Jesus is their homeboy and then we tune out the rest. That's enough. He passes the test. I am frustrated by my tribe. I think I may need to move to Oregon. I guess I wish people would spend more time educating themselves than waiting until the last couple of months and then looking for the key things to check off the political list. Pro-life? Check. Pro-Marriage? Check. Pro-Jesus? Check. Pro-Corporate Greed? Check. (Sorry about that last one.) At least with McCain we do have the option of looking at his long legislative history to discover what the man believes, not just what he has said over the last couple of months. And, not to leave Obama above the fray, his record on some things that are very important to evangelicals is checkered at best, and absolutely frightening at worst.

I plan to leave any substantive discussion of those VP candidates until after their debate this week. I am scared of both of them. Someone asked me what I thought of Biden when Obama announced his running mate. I told them I thought Biden was a loud mouth, that he did not always think before he spoke, and might cause problems for Obama if he said the wrong thing. I am still waiting to be proven wrong on this one. I mean, give me a break. He said FDR got on television to calm the nerves of the American public right after the Wall Street crash that led to the Great Depression. Okay, Roosevelt was not even president and who had a TV in 1929? There is no excuse for that.

No one has asked me what I think of Sarah Palin, I think because her background is in the Assemblies of God and most people who know me know I was once in that great fold as well. God love her, she is really cute and I love to hear someone from the great white north talk, dontcha know. I particularly enjoyed her interview with Katie Couric, the she-devil, asking Palin about foreign and domestic policy issues. And what was that bizarre comment about Putin flying over Alaska and all that talk about trade missions to Russia? Funny. I kept wishing she would say "I can see Russia from my house!" I think she will be well rehearsed for the debate and will surprise a lot of people. I just hope Biden does not have his foot surgically implanted in his mouth.

A friend was blogging about grace the other day, and in the course of his article he mentioned that divorce tends to be a sticking point for many Christians. They have grace for everything else except divorce (and homosexuals, but that is not the point here). I come from a fellowship that had a strong stance against divorce. None of the ministers could be divorced, until recently when the General Council allowed for pre-conversion divorce. I always wanted to ask which conversion this meant, since I was always of the mind that one sin meant I had to get converted all over again. Anyway, I never got the idea that the fellowship believed divorced people were not called by God to do ministry, they just could not do it in the Assemblies of God. The great concern that I heard in debates about this topic was that we would be descending to the culture to admit that divorce was an issue that affected as many churchgoers as it did non-believers. Again it goes back to the idea that we erroneously hold to that some sins are worse than others.

Last Wednesday night a man came to church with a button on that read: "Ask me about my divorce." I didn't. Part of me wondered why this man would be broadcasting this to the church. The other part of me thought it was just weird to air one's dirty laundry that way. I wondered about social boundaries when maybe I should have been worried about the individual without said boundaries. I guess I am working on grace myself.

And last but not least: You might be interested to know about Bill Maher's new movie Religulous which sounds to me like a scathing diatribe against evangelicals and other extremely religious groups. Here is the New York Times review of the movie. I kind of love and hate Bill Maher. He is completely anti-religion (he thinks anyone who is religious is incapable of rational thought) which bothers me a lot, but he makes me think more than most. So I have to give him credit for that. I am not suggesting you go see this movie. I won't. Granted, I don't think they show socialist, Democrat movies in Panama City.

Great Expectations

2008-09-22T18:50:00.004-05:00

OK. This one may make me sound like an old goat, but here goes:

I have talked about this some before, but it keeps coming back. Since I started teaching again at the community college, I have noticed some trends that remind me of my days at Southwestern, and have shown me that the trends I noticed were everywhere. Or at least in my little portions of everywhere.

The problem is one of expectations, and what students coming into my class expect from me as their instructor. I am usually a fairly compliant teacher. I make study guides available for all exams on my Facebook page. I also post all of my lecture notes, so students really just have to show up, take their exams, and be done with it. I think this is overly kind of me to make these available to them. But, I got complaints that they were not easy to find and that they were unsure what the test covered and you get the idea. Most of them were fine, found their study materials and that was the end of it. And, most of the students who took the exam (only one student in the class of 38 did not show up for the exam) made a B or C (there were several As by the way, just not an overabundance of them). I think this is pretty good on the average. You know, making the Bell curve work for me.

Here it is: Back in my day, I would have never had the audacity to ask for, let alone expect a study guide for a test from one of my professors. We read the book, studied our notes, and hoped we would have studied the things the professor was "looking for" on the exam. When I was in graduate school, some 13 years ago, I had a professor tell me that students are consumers and they expect a lot for their money. I know she was right. But this leads me to another issue that I noticed early on in my teaching career. Not only do students expect their professors to do a lot of the learning for them, or maybe better put, make the learning as easy as possible, they get this from their high schools. It is a shame, but our high schools are doing a fine job of teaching test-taking strategies, but they are not doing a good job of teaching our children to think creatively or otherwise. So when they would get to me, I had to do a lot of reteaching. This is especially true in math and English where we have section upon section of introductory algebra and reading strategies because students did so poorly in school or on their entrance exams that they cannot place into college-level courses. Back in the day, these students would not have gotten into college at all. Maybe that was not a bad thing.

Don't even get me started on how much like pulling teeth it is to get students to answer questions in class. They do not read their books, of course, but even questions they should know the answers to, I get blank stares. If it is not a question about a reality TV program, I might as well forget it. I asked the class how many of them read books, and I got a couple of hands raised. When I told them the week before I had read like three books, they told me I must have been really bored. I was, but that was not the point. I will stop.

And, speaking of test taking. I read today in the New York Times that many universities are fed up with the test-taking monster that has been created by companies making money off of high schoolers who want to get the best SAT or ACT scores. These universities are beginning to look more fully at entrance essays than at SAT scores and GPAs. (It was ironic that a member of the church asked me to read her daughter's entrance essay just last night. I read it today and gave my feedback, for what it was worth.) If you try hard enough, you can play the exam and win a great score. Don't get me started on how these services are unavailable to people in "ethnically challenged" areas and so their scores are lower because they do not have the privilege of going to a test prep workshop. I will stop. And, since GPAs are weighted so differently depending on what types of courses one takes and what kind of community service one does, this is not always as good an indicator of academic aptitude as it might have once been.

OK, so I am an old goat, and I know people were complaining about the state of the educational system when I was in school. But hey, I was playing Scripture scramble in Miss Guy's class, so I had no idea. Can I just tell you how much it amuses my wife to tell stories of some of the Fundy things we used to do at my Christian school. She just smiles and says "They don't do that at a real school." Oh well, at least I learned to read. Now the math . . . not so much. But I never see them using math in the Bible, so I must be okay.

PS: Does anybody remember building Israelite houses out of sugar cubes in 7th grade Bible class?

Sunday's Are Special

2008-09-21T21:00:00.003-05:00

Friday night I got my wish and we went to Target. I bought the first season of Pushing Daisies on DVD. I absolutely love that show. Gotta love that Kristin Chenoweth. I remember this time back a hundred years ago when then Kristi Chenoweth had just finished singing a song at a performance in front of the stage curtain and could not find the middle. She kept going a little further to the right, and then, looking panicked, would look back at the audience and smile. This went on for some time before she finally made it backstage. Funny what you remember about people you kind of knew before they were famous. Granted, it was 1982 and she was like 13 years old. Back to the point, I am beginning to question my fascination with death-related television series. At least this one is cute and almost wholesome. I used to mock people who were overly interested in death. Have I become that which I once mocked?

Saturday we went nowhere. Literally.

Sunday, started out with a major stressor. Several of my 8:15 choir members called Saturday to let me know they were sick and would not be available to sing Sunday morning. It would not be so bad, but that choir is already on the small side to begin with and when a few key singers are out, it makes for a big problem. So, it ended up I had to come up with a solo on the spot to fill the choir's void. It went fine and all things on Sunday went as planned after that. Except that I forgot we had this AED training to go to so that if someone needs to be shocked back to life, we would know how to listen to the machine tell you what to do. Interesting.

I spent much of my time at church this afternoon preparing to meet with my children's music group. They have very little discipline and it drives me crazy. I have to discipline at home and I really do not want to tell other people's children to be quiet or the devil might come down the stairs and eat them up. My children know to be aware of the horned and hoofed one.

So, after spending the evening with my children's "choir", I decided to go to Wendy's to get something for dinner. I don't care for Wendy's because every time I go there they get something wrong. This time was no exception. I waited in line for close to 20 minutes, which was fine. I was having a lovely time listening to someone on NPR prattle on about water and why it is stupid to drink bottled water. Don't get me started on how "green" people think they are acting when the drink bottled tap water. I digress. So I finally got to the pick-up window, when I was told that they had no Diet Coke. I asked the young man at the window why it was that I had been in the line so long and had never been told that they were out of what I had ordered. No real answer. I asked for my money back. A few minutes later, he brought me 50 cents. I asked if this could possibly be how much my soft drink had cost. And he told me it was indeed how much it cost because it was part of a value meal. I gave him the 50 cents back and told him to have a drink on me. He laughed and told me I was funny. He also called me Dude. I drove off. I think there must be a quota of "special" people that Wendy's has to meet in order to stay in business.

And now, the week begins again.

Not the Oldest Dad, Thank You

2008-09-19T16:17:00.004-05:00

So, after a not so interesting day Thursday, I had to go to Emma's open house at school to meet her teacher. I barely got there in time. Our babysitter was running a little late and so I got there after the teacher had started into her spiel about schoolwork and all those fun third grade things. Emma's teacher likes her and told me basically that she has my over-achieving disease. I told the teacher that I was bad about putting too much pressure on myself, especially as a child. She said she was the same way. Anyway, it was a moment.

But I noticed as I was looking around at all the other students' parents that I was actually one of the younger ones there. This is a bit off-putting to me, because I always feel like I am old to have little children. But the school where Misty teaches and Emma and Elizabeth attend is one for overachievers, and most overachieving folks wait till they are older to have children. This is a ridiculous post.

This morning I had a funeral at the church. A funeral on Friday is horrible because I teach all day at the community college on Fridays since that is my day off at the church. So, I had to do a little rearranging of my schedule to be able to sing at the funeral in the first place. I rescheduled one student to come to the church on Thursday, and she never showed. Twenty minutes after she was supposed to be there, she called and said she was lost. I gave her directions and she still never showed. I hope she is not still driving around downtown Panama City after 27 hours.

Well, the family wanted a concert for this funeral. I think as I get better known in town, people want to hear more of me at these events. Lately, I have been averaging three or four songs per wedding/funeral and it is wearing me out a little. Not just that four songs may be too many for a funeral, but they were really high songs. Everybody asks me to sing Josh Groban songs, and I am sorry, but they are difficult. I guess I should be flattered that people think I sound like a 20 year-old. So, I had to sing that horribly sad "To Where You Are" and "The Lord's Prayer" and usually I feel good if I just have to sing one high song. Oh well, it went fine, but I had to immediately leave when the funeral was over and rush to the college to teach the rest of the day. No lunch, nothing to drink. Just pain and anguish for several hours. I think I need to plan better.

I hope to go to Target tonight. It is sad, but that is my favorite place to go. I have not been in weeks, and I feel deprived. And, yes, we look ridiculous in that picture.

So, I Finally Read "The Shack"

2008-09-18T08:13:00.011-05:00

If someone tells me I should read a book I usually don't. Maybe this is because I think too much of myself. If I have not heard of it first, it must not be that great since I keep up with the world. Well, I missed this one. Over the course of a couple of weeks, it seemed like so many people were asking me if I had read William Young's The Shack. I had not, and when people explained it to me, I was horrified and was completely unsure why anyone would like this book. Then a friend read me portions of the book (my cell phone bill this month was higher than normal, thank you very much) and I decided I needed to hunt down a copy. I borrowed one from a friend at church and read it in a couple of days. It was amazing in a way that I do not frequently admit.

This book deals with some very sensitive issues, about how God the three-in-one loves each member of the Trinity and how that love should be lived out in us. It talks about forgiveness, how to forgive those who have done terrible things to us and those we love, how to forgive ourselves, and, maybe most importantly, how to forgive God for things we really do not understand but still blame him for. The ideas of relationship, and how we should know God and how He wants to be known by us are at the forefront of this narrative. Most of the book is a conversation with God. How great it is to think that God is "especially fond" of all of us.

There are many in the evangelical community that have been extremely critical of this book for teaching some new ideas about God. Remember, this is a novel and not a theology book. There are things about the book that are weird and pleasantly off-putting, but it so thought provoking and sincere that I think it is worth a read. I think I will have to buy myself a copy so I can read it again. It is definitely a more post-modern take on how God communicates with us and how we share in God's life, and many who think in a more modernist manner will have significant problems with this, especially how the members of the Trinity are represented. Just remember, it is a novel, a work of fiction.

But, it is striking to me that right before I read this book, I found this quote on a blog called Rude Armchair Theology:

Good theology, when codified, legislated, and ossified, can very easily shackle, choke, or smother the gospel. This is idolatry, and the devil finds it delightful.

I think The Shack is really interesting and gives us some old ideas in new ways. If for no other reason, it was worth reading because it reminded me there are still things I need to forgive myself and God for. I have to be willing to give God that one last thing that hinders me.

Random Thoughts for Thursday

2008-09-18T08:13:00.010-05:00

"I've done everything the Bible says - even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!" - Ned Flanders

I watched a couple of movies last weekend that gave me weird thoughts.

I watched that Helen Mirren movie The Queen, about the week after Princess Diana died in 1997. I had forgotten how this affected the British people and their reaction to Diana's untimely death. I wonder if I am weird that no one has affected me in this way other than family and close friends. I mean, when people ask me who I most would want to meet in the world, I get slack-jawed. I guess I have no heroes. Are people's lives so empty that they need someone that they don't even know to fill the void? Painful.

I saw that very sad movie "The Trip to Bountiful" on TCM the other afternoon. I don't know of a much sadder movie. I remember going to see this back in the 80's at the only movie theater that showed art movies in Oklahoma City. You know, the synopsis is that this old woman (Geraldine Page) wants to go back to visit her home in Bountiful, Texas but her son and daughter-in-law won't take her. The daughter-in-law is hateful, and won't let her sing hymns to herself around their small Houston apartment. So, she runs away and takes the bus as far as she can get only to find no one left in the town and the friend she hoped to visit was buried the morning before she arrived. She just wanted to go home. It meant so much to her. I think about myself and my circumstances and I truly believe "home" is where my family is. I can't imagine having such a love for a place, as many do, that they just have to get back there. It did not take long for me to stop thinking of Oklahoma City as home after I moved away. Every time I would go back, it seemed that much was the same and much was totally different. I think we expect that our lives go on, but no one else changes. Sad.

"Personally, I don't have the guts to follow Jesus, so I often settle for being a Christian."

I have come to wonder if I am not the "opposition" wherever I am. It seems that theologically or politically I find a way to be different than most. When I was still teaching at the college, it seemed that I focused this need to be different on theological positions. Now that I am amongst more like-minded theologians, I find that my need to be different focuses on the political. Am I getting to know myself better or am I just being the "opposition" because somebody needs to be? Scary.

I had a current student, who happens to be a Christian and a musician, comment on his Facebook that his music class (my class) was boring and that he only wanted to play music, not learn about the history. Of course, his comments came up on my Facebook homepage and so I commented in a very nice, yet tongue-in-cheek manner about his comments. He laughed, and then seemed to be worried that I was offended.

First, why is it that we think posting to the internet is somehow anonymous and private? Ignorant.

Second, why is it that we do not think about others' perspectives before we say something that could easily cause offense, especially when we are supposed to be followers of Jesus? Childish.

Truth is I was not all that offended because that was my lot in life, trying to find the fun in teaching students who just wanted to play worship music and had no desire whatsoever to learn about music in an academic fashion. I had another one of those enter my office today, a young woman who sings a little like Whitney Houston and I have to tell her her lessons are supposed to center on perfecting classical vocal technique. Priceless.

There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." And one says, "This is new, and therefore better."

Amen.

O Be Careful Little Mouth What You Say

2008-09-13T17:33:00.004-05:00

I think this is a funny video and really goes a long way to show just how hypocritical we can be here in the U S of A. It is significant to me that when someone we respect, politically or otherwise, does something we disagree with, we are very quick to forgive them. But, when someone we disagree with, either politically or because of faulty life choices they have made, we are very quick to judge them. Maybe our pundits and leaders should be careful what they say in these days when it only takes a few moments to bring up a video of exactly what they said last week, last year, or whenever.

Feeling Isolated

2008-09-13T17:10:00.003-05:00

Well, since my last confession, I have sat at home for 3 days straight with my poor little angel. Wednesday, when I left her with Misty, Madeline had no fever. But later that afternoon, when she went to the doctor, she had spiked up to 104.7 F. Scary. So, I stayed home with her Thursday and she seemed to be getting better, until she broke out in hives. So, we stayed home Friday and they got worse. That poor child is so tired of taking medicine all the time. Looks like we will take her back to the doctor on Monday and see what else we can do. It is not dangerous or contagious, just frustrating.

It did give me some time for quiet reflection, which is nice, and so I guess I should look at the bright side. I read a couple of books, one on how the states got their shapes (not as interesting as it might sound) and a book on medieval heresies (even less interesting than it sounds). I am still reading the latter and stuck in a chapter about the Cathars. I am interested in this stuff but even I am bored.

I had an interesting thought dropped into my head the other day by a special friend. In much truncated form, he said:

I sometimes wonder if any experience, practice, form, etc. that keeps us from discovering Him (and consequently ourselves in Him), no matter how "right," is, in fact, wrong.

I have wondered about this possibility for some time, especially since I started working for a well-established tradition-minded church. How many things do we take part in that are really superfluous to our walk with Christ? How many things have become so endearing to us, but no one outside of our tradition or in the world would have any need for them? It does not mean they are wrong, it just means they are unnecessary.

But what happens when these fine in-and-of-themselves things start hindering our ability to get to know God better? Is it time to stop and re-think? Problem is, sometimes we are so afraid of what lies beyond the door of our tradition, that we are unable to function as we were intended to function. And, sometimes, we slough off one form of godliness to take on another. Or, as a wise person once put it: "The only real risk here is that you trade one set of boundaries for another."

This is one of the greatest concerns I have for myself in this process of becoming ordained. I have moved beyond the door of one tradition to find my way in another that appears to be more freeing (for me, at least), but has the capacity to be as great a hindrance to my getting to know God and myself in Him as the former tradition did. I guess I do not want to get caught up in doing the right thing so much and find that it was wrong all along. I know this is where God wants me for now and I love the idea of a new adventure in academia (as a student this time). I am probably over-thinking this one, but that is my best trick.

Please pray for us (me). I am all alone in a house full of frustrated little women--two who need to get out of the house, one who needs to stay home, and three who need to get out of my hair. Does anyone have any xanax I can borrow?

It Is Official

2008-09-10T09:27:00.006-05:00

I received word last night that I had been approved as a certified candidate for deacon's orders. I wasn't exactly worried, but it is nice to know that it is official now. Now I get to complete the process to enroll in seminary and vomit my way back to school. At least I am already half-way through since I already have a Masters degree. I just have to get the rest of my transcripts together and that will be that. In many ways I am looking forward to taking these classes, but I am a bit fretful about how this return to school will effect my current life.

Nothing else significant to report, with two exceptions: First, I have my first worker-related injury. I was setting up handbells last night and I jammed my right ring finger. It is nice and black and swollen even this morning. I never realized how much I use that poor little finger until it hurts to move it.

Second, Madeline woke up this morning at 4 AM with a fever, so I get the joy of staying home this morning until Misty can get a substitute for her class. Wednesday is a bad day for me to be sitting at home, but I guess I should enjoy the respite for a little while. She seems to be doing better now, but we cannot take her to preschool when she had a fever, and it could be that her medicine is working. I am hopeful this is not a portent of things to come this fall. Madeline has been so healthy this summer and I really do not want for her to start getting sick again. Pray for her.

At some point I will have interesting things to talk about, but lately it has seemed too tiring to put my thoughts together in a cohesive manner. I have been reading some significant things lately, and one day I will get to sharing them.

Peace.

A Week With a Holiday is Like . . .

2008-09-04T21:44:00.002-05:00

Well, it has been over a week since my last confession and much has happened in my little world. One of the main reasons I have not confessed lately is that I have been without internet access at home for the last several days. So, today, I bit the bullet and bought a new computer to replace the antichrist that I was using. So, I am back in the blogosphere and just a little poorer for the journey.

Last weekend we drove over to Okaloosa Island to attend the Greek Festival put on by Saints Markella and Demetrios Greek Orthodox Church in Mary Esther, Florida. It was fun and is a reminder of the bigger one we used to go to in Dallas. I absolutely love those Greeks and it is an opportunity to have some good food and let the girls dance to some wacky music. I have this love for the Orthodox Church and wonder if I still might not end up there someday. Who knows?

I have been absolutely crazy this last week or so. I got this message early last week that one of the other voice teachers at the community college was going to be out all semester due to a triple bypass surgery. It was an emergency procedure and so there was no way to plan for it. I have taken on some of his voice students in order to help out in a crisis, but I am afraid it will drive me bonkers. It will be nice to have the money, but I will not be able to do this next semester. I am planning to take a course or two to get started on my coursework for my ordination and I can't do this with so many extracurriculars.

We have spent much of the last two weekends waiting to see if we would have a hurricane. Fay completely passed us by and Gustav went way to the west. So, we spent all this time indoors and did not get to make use of the holiday at all. It is always aggravating to me to lose a Monday since that is the day I get the most accomplished. And having to condense the week into fewer days is not really a vacation to me.

I had a meeting with the District Committee on Ordained Ministry today. So, as of today, I am a certified candidate. I have been amazed at how well this process has been going. But, if I ever wondered whether or not God has a sense of humor or whether He was interested in my life, I know it again today. One of the ministers who interviewed me today was a graduate of Southwestern, my old home. I was flabbergasted. He knew several people that I knew. It is always odd to find another used-to-be Pentecostal in the United Methodist ranks.

I also got a call from an old friend today. Everything was as it should be. I am thankful for those friends I have that I don't have to speak to everyday in order for the relationship to remain fresh. I think he just wanted to know that I was still me. I hope I did not disappoint.

More to come . . .

I Knew the Day Would Come

2008-08-26T14:39:00.003-05:00

OK. So, I had this dream where I get to class and the students pull out their textbooks and none of them have my textbook. Or it is in Russian and I can't read Russian. Or something down this road.

Well, it happened yesterday. I got to class early and noticed students pulling out a book that I have never seen before. When the previous class ended, I went in and asked the teacher if the book for my course had changed. She told me it had, and, with a disgusted expression, she commented: "No one bothered to tell you, did they?" I told her no one had. It is kind of funny because I had just taught the course in the Summer session that ended only a couple of weeks ago and we used the textbook I had used all year long. I will get over it, but I had to hustle to find enough information to get me through until the book company sends me a copy of the book and all the listening materials to go with it. I ended up buying an online subscription to the text so I can at least be prepared for Wednesday's class meeting. It is not the worst thing ever. I have used an older edition of the book when I was teaching in Texas, so at the very least I am somewhat familiar with the format. Oh well, it made for an interesting first day of class.

I completed the book Post-Charismatic? and I think I may have to write Rob McAlpine and tell him that he wrote this book especially for me. I am more determined now than ever to embrace my heritage and continue to seek the Holy Spirit in a way that I was afraid to attempt just a few months ago. I am thankful that as I begin to feel a change in how I feel about my past, and how it pertains to my present (one might call this a mellowing out period), God brings something into my life that seals the deal so to speak. I am grateful. McAlpine talks a lot about Detoxing from Church, this need to step away and allow God to work through some of the believer's hurts and inner turmoils that come from the Church herself. Some, like me, have decided to detox in a non-charismatic church. Though I now have no desire to abandon my heritage, it is highly unlikely that I will return to the Pentecostal fold any time ever. My feeling is, and has been for some time, the charismatic folks ought to be a seasoning to the church in general rather than congregating all together.

So, here's to salt and light. Gloria a Dios!

Disappointed

2008-08-24T17:54:00.004-05:00

So, this past week was a roller coaster of emotions. Emma went back to school. Elizabeth started Kindergarten down the hall from her mom. This is devastating. I am not ready for her to be at real school yet. Elizabeth's teacher is a church member and she told us Liz was a good little student and well-behaved. Madeline starts preschool tomorrow. She spent the week farmed out to friends and church members. She is a funny girl and has everyone completely fooled.

This weekend was supposed to be my third annual Fall Choir Kick-Off and music reading session. We were going to look at our Christmas music and a nice dinner was planned. However, as the week progressed it appeared that we would get the brunt of Tropical Storm Fay. So, we first decided to cancel the dinner. Then, Friday, we decided to cancel the rest. We had several events planned at the church this weekend and all of them went to the dogs. All around us, cities had buckets of rain and high winds. It barely rained here. Saturday, supposedly the "worst" day, we spent at home wondering when the storm would finally get here. It never came. Granted, if we had decided to keep things business as usual, there would have been a major storm. But for some reason, Panama City was spared. I think it is my mother's fault. We have had the quietest hurricane seasons these past three years and I attribute it to my mother's intercession. I just never get to have any fun.

Tomorrow I start my fall class at the community college. Let me tell you, it is a full class. It is interesting for me to have big classes because I never had classes this large when I was teaching in Texas. Even when I taught a semester at Tarrant County College in Arlington, my classroom only held like 24 students and none of my classes at Southwestern were ever bigger than about a dozen (with the exception of my ensemble). It is a much different dynamic having a larger class. It is harder to get to know students and easier for them to blend in.

Several months ago I mentioned reading about a book called Post-Charismatic by Randy McAlpine, an emergent blogger who used to be involved in the Vineyard. Well, I finally got ahold of a copy of the book, harder than usual since it has not been published in the United States. I have read most of it and it has been pretty good. It outlines several of the major reasons people leave the charismatic movement, and for the book's purposes, charismatic includes traditional Pentecostals, charismatics, and Third Wavers. You can look back at what I thought originally about the issues addressed in this book here. One thing I really appreciated about this book was how well McAlpine documented the history of some of the kookiest "doctrines" of charismania, especially his discussion of the Word of Faith, Shepherding, and Latter Rain movements. Some of these things filtered down to me back in the day, but in a VERY distilled manner. One of the funniest things, and also one of the scariest, was the realization that many of the things that are equated with heresy are some Latter Rain teachings that are being proffered by a church not too far from mine.

One thing that I am hugely grateful for, after reading this book, is that I missed a lot of the worst abuses of the charismatic movement by being a part of the Assemblies of God. Despite the things that drove me bonkers about Pentecostalism, at least I was involved in a movement that would stand up to ideas that were heretical and McAlpine mentions this often, citing position papers that the General Council published to combat heretical teachings or spurious thinking. It is odd that as much as I do not miss some of the nuttiness of charismania, sometimes I still miss that old feeling. One thing that has been a significant milestone for me is that, though I still do not come out to everyone I know about being a Pentecostal in recovery, I am beginning to embrace that part of my life again. This has come back to me in a wash all of a sudden. This past week our senior minister's son-in-law was in a horrible motorcycle accident, and I have rarely felt the compulsion to pray, really spiritually pray for anyone in the good ol' fashioned way, since I ventured into this new life.

I am disappointed with myself. Granted, I have really been in a legitimate crisis of faith over these last several years. I have struggled with a spiritual identity crisis and discussed the frustrations of it often on this blog. But is this an excuse to not practice the spiritual disciplines that I know I need to practice? You know: truly spiritual prayer, exercising the gifts of the Spirit, reading the Bible, and meditating on holy things. Sure, I am busy serving in vocational ministry, but I feel like it is not a very spiritual endeavour at times. We do good things, but I worry that I do these things because it is my job and not because they are the things Christians should do. And, as I continue on this path to ordained ministry, I worry that if I do not stem the tide now, there will be no opportunity later. And, since this week I began the application process to go to seminary, I want to make sure I am in the best place spiritually as possible before I start down another academic rabbit hole, another thing to fight for my time.

The likelihood that I will be where I think I need to be soon is not very likely, but at least I am more acutely aware of where I think God wants me to go/be. I want to be right here, but I also want to be me. And I guess that makes me a post-charismatic United Methodist.

That's my Kindergartner there. God love her.

Equal Opportunity Mocking

2008-08-20T14:37:00.002-05:00

Here are a couple of videos showing the presidential candidates in their best light. I don't know which one is worse, the one that was made up to be mean or the one that actually happened. No comments are necessary.

Betty Butterfield on Methodists Revisited

2008-08-19T14:54:00.001-05:00

One of my favorite videos ever. Hopefully I will be able to pass the test.

Olympic-Style Discipline

2008-08-15T12:58:00.003-05:00

So, I have been exhausted the last couple of days. Granted, I have been staying up later watching the Olympics lately, but that really does not seem to account for my fit of fatigue. I am not going to obsess about it, but I am sure that part of my need for sleep has been due to some extra stressors that I have been dealing with lately. Nothing big, just the regular stuff that gets me uptight about the rest of the year. Planning for Christmas, using new worship software and converting our existing files, gearing myself up for children's music, and so on. It could also be that I have had something every night for the last three weeks straight (maybe not really, but it feels like that). Thankfully, I only have a wedding this weekend (and possibly a funeral, hurray!) and no more on the schedule for more than a month.

Speaking of the Olympics. There has been some talk this time around about how the process for training gymnasts has really changed over the years, especially in the former or current communist nations. Back in the day, they would find children who were possibly gifted and take them away from their parents and train them to be champions. They did this in the Soviet Union and still do so in China. One comment I heard was that this system may not be in place anywhere when the next Olympics takes place in 2012.

OK, so what is the point. This very disciplined system of training produced results. Think about how often the Soviets won. They were a power house in most events. The only time the Americans had a chance in gymnastics was the one year the Soviets boycotted the Olympics. And this year, the Chinese have been dominant in most areas, but especially in gymnastics, because their honor is on the line and they have an innate drive to win. You can see it in their eyes. Determination to see it through to the end.

I, like all children who grew up during the Cold War, had a distinct fear of the Soviets because they might nuke us. And this fear filtered down to Olympic events as well. They always seemed so prepared, and that frightened me for my country because I hoped we would be as prepared if the time came to meet them head on. But besides this fear, I had a sense of awe at their level of discipline. What they were doing meant something to these people. It was all they had.

But this is rarely the case in America. Nobody takes children away to train to be Olympic athletes, thank God. And, after the Olympics, the athletes go back to their normal lives. Granted, their normal lives include intense training, but it is never all that they do. Even Michael Phelps and his coach have stated they will be taking several months off from training. I think we live such multi-faceted lives in this country that very few of us ever commit so much to one thing. "I have a life" people say in order to excuse their inability to excel or their unwillingness to commit to what it will take to be the very best.

Now how does this "I have a life" mentality affect the way we serve God? Doesn't it have a way of excusing our inability to commit all we have to God? Is it not a way of excusing us from making disciples and living out the Great Commission? Well, I have a life and I cannot stop everything and do that. I guess I am wondering if we the Church could learn to be disciplined would there be more disciples? Should we consider the possibility that the ascetics of long ago were right in their willingness to die to self and surrender all they had and spend all their time with God? Granted, I do not want to sit atop a platform on a pole in the desert for years and have people come out to look at me and marvel at my spiritual discipline, or like St. Anthony, lock myself in a tomb and have people bring me food so I can stay away from the devil's torment. So then, how do we fully commit to the spiritual disciplines without becoming completely unaware of our culture?

I Like the Devil as Much as the Next Evangelical Poster Child

2008-08-11T17:28:00.004-05:00

So I spent a good bit of the day waiting for the air conditioning folks to arrive at my house to take my money. They were nice about it and they were not here very long. They gave me a good education about heat pumps and we are back to a cool house once again.

Speaking of hot . . .

I read this interesting article by Mary Jacobs at the United Methodist Portal about how United Methodists view Satan and evil in the world. Now, I want to make it clear this is a general view and not one held by all members of the United Methodist Church. My church, for one, is more conservative and most of the folks tend to believe in old Lucifer. I thought it was funny that one of the reasons Methodists refrain from discussing the Devil and the personification of evil is that they do not want to sound too much like Baptists.

Here is a short excerpt from Ms. Jacobs' article:

Many United Methodists, for instance, gasped during the 2008 General Conference when an African delegate on the floor argued that homosexuality was "of the devil."

It wasn’t just his position on homosexuality that drew the offended gasps, says Jerry Walls, who taught philosophy of religion for 21 years at Asbury Theological Seminary. Adding the devil to the conversation made it a “double offense” in the minds of some delegates. “Bringing up the supernatural reality of Satan is enough to make a typical United Methodist go into conniptions,” he said.

Of course, the reality of Satan and the forces of evil tend to be much stronger in the third world, the next Christendom. My problem with most evangelical stances on Satan is that they use him as a whipping boy for everything that goes wrong in the world or in their lives. Truth is I don't think I need the devil to mess my life up and I need to take my share of the blame for the things I do of my own free will and not put them all on the great-horned beast.div>

So, what do you think about the Devil? Is he at work in your life?

Overly Judgmental

2008-08-10T18:43:00.003-05:00

This is really creepy. But, I thought this was an interesting video dealing with our own misconceptions about people. You know, the whole "don't judge a book by its cover" idea.

Town Pariah

2008-08-10T14:52:00.004-05:00

I have been wondering about this for some time, but today this thought came flooding back to me when I ran into a person I did not expect to see at church. "Do difficult people know they are difficult?" Or, add any other adjective: needy, obtuse, whatever. The question is do they know they cause this reaction in other people that makes one want to run the other way when they come a-callin'?

I always end up with these folks attaching themselves to me. Again, I do not think it is because I am all that approachable, I just have a gift (curse). And, truth be told, there are very few people in the world that make me want to go the other way or pretend to have diarrhea or typhus when they come to visit me. But one of them showed up today. I know we are supposed to love everyone, but in all honesty all I wanted to do was not get trapped in my office for an hour after church was over. It ended up being only a few minutes, thankfully. I feel bad that I feel this way, especially considering what line of work I am in. I feel compassion for this person, as I would for anyone who has done so many foolish, unthinking things to make them the town pariah. I just wonder if they know that's what they are? And, part of me has very little patience for someone who cannot take social cues, like body language, moving closer to the door, stepping into the hall, calling out in anguish . . . I guess sometimes when we become that needy, our ability to discern social cues goes out the window in deference to our need to be accepted and loved. Sad. The last conversation I had with this person was pretty blunt and I think it was appreciated. Speaking the truth in love is a slippery slope.

With that in mind, I wonder if I might not have the makings of a town pariah myself. I usually keep my political thoughts to myself, unless someone asks me directly (and even then, I will change the subject). My feeling is that religion and politics should not mix all that much in my public life, especially since I work at a church. But, from time to time, certain political comments are made at the church like everyone in the room agrees. There is this unwritten, unsaid something that makes us believe that because we are all believers in Jesus, we think the same about everything else. Sometimes, in my more paranoid times, I feel less than comfortable when these comments are made. We like to say that here in America everyone has the right to their own opinions, just as long as they coalesce with mine or those of the larger group. I think for the time being I will keep my mouth shut, I will avoid pariah country and I definitely won't put that "Bay Democrats" bumper sticker on my SUV. I have this fear of slashed tires in the Republican nest, uh, enclave. Just kidding. I love Republicans. I am married to one.

In other news:

As of last Wednesday my wife and I have been married fourteen years. I guess this makes us adolescent marrieds or something. We did almost nothing to celebrate this milestone. That day we both were back to our normal schedules of school and choir rehearsals and such. She gave me a card. I gave her a card that I had glued in a personal message. It must have been good because she told me I could work for Hallmark. Maybe this was not a compliment. Anyway, Friday evening I had a wedding rehearsal (for which I sang four songs) and the girls had a sleepover party so after my rehearsal ended, we went to Panama City Beach to Captain Anderson's restaurant. We had heard wonderful things about this restaurant since we moved to Panama City and so I kind of thought it would be nice. Turns out was just expensive. We had a gift card that we have been meaning to use for almost a year now but we never seemed to have the opportunity to go. I forget we live in a touristy place, and the restaurant was definitely touristy. But, to be fair, the food was very good and it was nice to be somewhere without three children in tow. The irony of it all is that we were seated at a nice table for two and then a family with a crying baby was seated next to us. Every time we go out by ourselves this happens.

Well, I have to go. It appears that our air conditioning is not working in our house. I am not ready to pass out yet, but I think Dick Cheney may be at my door.

UPDATE: I feel terrible. I saw this person again today and they told me how much they enjoyed talking to me and how easy it was to just be themselves. And, worst of all, that they always feel better after talking to me, even when I am brutally honest. I am the worst sinner ever. Maybe I should be thankful that God works through me when I really don't want Him to.

Church Fathers, Part 2

2008-08-05T15:32:00.008-05:00

Here are a few more quotes from the Church Fathers on pertinent spiritual topics:

"Now what is a spiritual whole burnt offering? It is 'the sacrifice of praise.' In what place do we offer it? In the Holy Spirit. Where have we learned this? From the Lord Himself in the words, 'The true worshippers shall worship the Father in spirit and in truth.' This place Jacob saw, and said: 'The Lord is in this place.' It follows that the Spirit is truly the place for all saints, and the saint is the proper place for the Spirit, offering himself as he does for the indwelling of God, and is called God's temple." Basil the Great (ca. 330-379 C. E.)

"What does the phrase mean, 'The word is near you'? It means, 'It is easy.' For in your heart and on your tongue is your salvation. There is no long journey to go on, no seas to sail over, no mountains to climb, to get saved. But if you be not minded to cross so much as the threshold, you may even be saved while you sit at home. For 'in your mouth and heart' is the source of salvation. On another score, Paul also makes the word of faith easy, and says, 'God raised Him from the dead.' For just reflect upon the worthiness of the Worker, and you will no longer see any difficulty in the thing." John Chrysostom (ca. 347-407 C. E.)

"Let us draw from the fountain of the garden [of Scripture] continual and pure waters springing up to eternal life. Here let us be in luxury, let us revel to the full, for the Scriptures possess inexhaustible grace. But if we are able to pluck anything profitable from outside sources, there is nothing to forbid that." John Damascene (ca. 676-749 C. E.)

"After this, we say: 'Hallowed be thy name,' not that we wish for God to be hallowed by our prayers, but to beseech Him that His name be hallowed in us. But by whom is God sanctified, since He Himself sanctifies? Well, because He says: 'Be ye holy, even as I am holy,' we ask and entreat, that we who were sanctified in baptism may continue in that which we have begun to be." St. Cyprian of Carthage (died 258 C. E.)

Third Grade Memories

2008-08-04T18:55:00.004-05:00

This week marks Misty's re-entry into the workforce. She has already started getting her classroom ready for her students to come back officially in just under two weeks. This year Emma will be in the third grade. I am not ready to talk about the fact that Elizabeth will be going to Kindergarten this fall and will not be accompanying me to the church each morning anymore. At least I still have one baby to take with me, but I am afraid she will throw a fit everyday for months because she will no longer have a sister to play with in the afternoons.

I got to thinking about my experience as a third grader. Since I went to a Christian school, my experience was quite different than what Emma's will be like. Granted, she goes to a public school that acts like a private school, but it is really different than mine, especially third grade. Over the course of my life at Grace Christian Academy, all of my teachers were evangelicals, usually Baptist or Assemblies of God and we had Bible class as part of our curriculum in every grade. I think this was one of the most significant aspects of my education, and likely the most thorough part as well. I will leave that one alone.

Back to third grade. My class was small and, between the two third grade classes it seems like there were no new students in either class, until about halfway through the school year, a new boy named Charles Fitzpatrick joined our class. This was kind of a coup, we thought, to get the new kid. He was about eight feet tall in comparison to the rest of us, and since we all knew each other forever, he was much more interesting than any of us. I remember we had this classroom in the back of the church. It was like a maze trying to get back there. There have been times since that I have had recurring dreams of walking through the church at night. Frightening. Anyway, my teacher, Mrs. Welch, was a chariskook. I really liked her and she tried to teach me not to rely on myself but to trust in the Lord. I guess she thought I had too much anxiety and was overworking myself. Seems like some things never change. I will never forget some of the things we did that year. I had a big birthday party at Showbiz Pizza and Charles Fitzpatrick stayed way too long because his mom had given him $10 for tokens and he was going to spend every one of them. We "wrote" a book about George Washington. We wrote a play about the Pilgrims and presented it. We made a plaster relief map of the Holy Land.

I will never forget that Mrs. Welch was the first person to tell us that if we did not behave we would suffer the consequences. I was scared to find out what those were. She was a crier, and really seemed to think we just might end up in hell if she did not intervene on our behalf. When asked if President Carter was a Christian, she replied: "Well, I think he is a carnal Christian." The worst possible fate, carnal. But Mrs. Welch also helped me get the first full-length copy of the Bible I ever had. It was one of those cheap imitation leather award Bibles. And it was the King James Version, of course. Granted, the NIV had only been available for a couple of years at that time and nobody used it. I loved that Bible. I used the map in the back to help make my relief map of the Holy Land.

I no longer have either, the map or the Bible, but I have my weirdly skewed memories. When I think about my growing up, it is hard to explain some of the odd things that occurred that we all thought were just a part of normal life. Prayer in class, sometimes followed by a child vomiting in the classroom. Lots of Bible talk, even end times talk. Scared me to death. It is a wonder that I ended up sane at all.

Truth is I am grateful for most of it, even the wacky stuff, because it set me up to look at the world in a certain way. I may not completely agree with that way of thought anymore, but it grounded me to an extent that I don't think I would have had if I had been somewhere else. It may not have been the most well-rounded educational environment, and I wish I had had more opportunities for artistic development in school (including, God forbid, secular music) rather than having to seek these opportunities elsewhere, but at the very least I knew the Bible when I left school. It prepared me to want more of the Word and to want to read it. By the time I graduated from high school I had already read the Bible through in its entirety four times.

So, thank you, Mrs. Welch, for guiding me on the path that has led me to where I am now. Oh God, I hope that does not make me carnal. Well, maybe just a little bit will be okay.

Peace.

A Silver Foot in His Mouth?

2008-08-04T18:50:00.002-05:00

I know this was about George Bush 41, but it kind of fits 43 if you ask me.

Satan is Everywhere

2008-08-04T18:49:00.002-05:00

I think we should go back to backward masking. The devil has not had much to do since we stopped playing LPs. Maybe Paul really is dead?

Thoughts from the Church Fathers

2008-08-02T16:55:00.005-05:00

One of the best things about my latest decision to read through the Bible is that the commentary is from an Orthodox perspective, meaning that most of the comments are from the Church Fathers.

John Cassian (ca. 360-435 C. E.) on Free Will:

"And by this testimony we can clearly see what we ought to ascribe to free will, and what to the design and daily assistance of the Lord, that it belongs to divine grace to give us opportunities of salvation and prosperous undertakings and victory; but that it is ours to follow up the blessings God gives us with either earnestness or indifference."

Athanasius the Great (ca. 293-373 C. E.) on our offerings to God:

"When we make a return we give nothing of our own, but those things which we have before received from Christ, this being especially of His grace, that He should require, as from us, His own gifts. He bears witness to this in Numbers when He says: 'My gifts, My presents, My burnt offerings, you shall take care to offer Me as a sweet aroma in my feasts.' That is, those things you give Me are yours, as having received them from Me, but they are the gifts of God. Let us offer to the Lord every virtue, and that true holiness which is in Him, and in piety let us keep the feast to Him with those things He hallowed for us."

John Chrysostom (ca. 347-407 C. E.) on loving God:

"God needs nothing we have to give Him, and this especially proves sincere love, when one who needs nothing and is not in any necessity, does everything for the sake of being loved by us. So when He bids you to love Him, He then most of all shows He loves you. For nothing secures our salvation more than loving Him."

Running the Gauntlet

2008-08-01T20:10:00.002-05:00

This week has been a series of hurdles, although they have been amazingly positive.

After getting through the wedding last weekend, the first of three over four weeks, church went as usual. Truth is I have been feeling much better about our contemporary services lately. There have been more people in attendance and it seems like I am feeling more of that old feeling when I used to lead worship back in the day. Again, maybe it is just I am more aware of His presence in the services lately. Also, it could be I have been spending more time reading the Bible lately. It has a way of making us more acutely aware of our spiritual surroundings. I probably ought to be ashamed that I have not been as diligent as I should be in prayer and Scripture study, but I am not really. But, we do what we can, and I am feeling more compelled to do so as I continue in this journey toward ordination.

Speaking of ordination, I had two meetings this week that were significant to this process. The first was an impromptu meeting with my candidacy mentor on Monday morning. It had been several weeks since I had met with her and I had some questions and we needed to look over my psychological evaluation. She was very supportive and told me I likely would not need to take all the courses I thought I would have to take. I still have to confirm this, but it is looking like I will only need to take about 5 classes. This is a good thing. Although I like the book learning, I am still not convinced I want to spend several more years of my life in school. Who can say?

I also had to meet with our Staff Parish Relations Committee at the church to receive their approval. Truth is I kind of missed this step and needed to have it done before I could go much further in the process. I was not exactly thrilled about this Tuesday evening meeting, but it was a wonderfully affirming get together. Everybody seemed to be pleased with me and with my work and decision to pursue ordination. That was nice, especially when you consider that I basically work for them and if they had not been in favor of my entering ordained ministry, it might call into question what they think of my performance in my current churchly duties. Anyway, with that hurdle down, I now get to prepare to meet the District Committee on Ordained Ministry in early September to be certified as a candidate. Once I pass this process, I will begin taking classes, but here is the kicker, since I already have a Masters degree and some hours toward my basic graduate theological studies, I will already have all the requirements to become a probationary deacon. So, it is conceivable that in about three years, I can be completely finished with this process and be deaconing away.

The question was put to me: What will change in your ministry once you are ordained? And this is a good one and hard for me to answer, especially on this side of the equation. So, I will leave it for another day.

My class at the community college ended this week. I liked the class quite a bit. It was probably my favorite in a good while. Fun, no pressure, and nobody to be. It looks like my class for the fall has made, so I will be teaching a whole new slew of children, and they are mostly children, considering they were all born around 1990. People keep popping up from the past to remind me that I am only 2 years from my 20 year high school reunion.

Thursday I had what might be the worst experience of my life this week. A few weeks ago, Misty signed up for a $500 gift card at the Home Depot. What she did not know was that in order to qualify for the prize, you had to set up a time to let this nut from a water softening company come test the water at your house and present their system. Well, he said it would be about 45 minutes. It was like going through the time share spiel all over again. Both of us had to be there or he would have to come back another time. Not thrilled to say the least. Granted, we will get a whopping $20 gift card for our trouble. I make a good bit more than that an hour when I teach privately, so I was really not happy to sit there for over an hour and a half for a measly $20. We told the guy "no sale" and then he gave us a better deal and we said "no sale." One more time, and I told him to leave and respect our time. He left. I hate confrontations, especially in my own home. Later that night, we went to Hobby Lobby to get some things to help organize our new coin collection that Misty's dad gave us when the girls went back to Texas in June. We bought I nice trunk and some other coin organizers and got to work on the collection. It was kind of fun and reminded me of doing the same kinds of things with my father when I was a child. We would go to coin stores, flea markets, and other such places in pursuit of nerdy delight. It is funny that we would go to these flea markets that also sold bongs and other drug paraphernalia and I was blissfully ignorant of their presence. I probably would have tried to cast the devil out of them. Dear God I was uptight.

So, Friday we slept late and took a trip to Destin. We stopped for lunch at P F Chang's. Very happy. I got a coupon in the mail so we went to the Polo store and I bought a couple of things. The girls got some shoes. We went to Target and then to Angelo's Steak Pit (I love saying that) for dinner. It was a good way to spend a rainy Friday. Hopefully we will have some sunnier weather tomorrow so we can go to the beach. This is our last weekend before Misty starts back to work and I have weddings and other such events each weekend for the next month, so we want to make the most of it.

And last but not least, I started running again this week and I have been very diligent so far. I was needing to start back for some time. I think I gained a few pounds over the summer and I want to make sure that I do not allow myself to get to far gone. It is my best trick, getting fat. The good thing is that I can still wear all of my thinner clothes which is nice. And, even better, I have been able to stay pretty close to the same weight for over 18 months. Sadly, this is probably the longest I have had weight stability for that long. But, besides all this, within the next year I will need to have a real physical examination and I would rather be on the lower end of the scale than the higher end when I go to the doctor. I want my baseline to be as low as possible for me. My mental health is much better when I am running, I should remind myself of this when I fall off the wagon. Or maybe someone else should remind me . . .

In Remembrance

2008-07-25T20:46:00.006-05:00

Well, this week has been one of those weeks filled with weird occurrences and other wildly unexplainable phenomena. It also marks several anniversaries.

So, I started out the week driving around a Chevy Aveo since my car was being repaired. It was a clown car. Wednesday evening I got my SUV back and all is well. It was quick and mostly painless and I did not have to pay for any repairs. Hallelujah! Thank God the boy who hit me had good insurance.

It is official. I am now a proud, card-carrying member of the Democratic Party. Yes, I am probably going to hell now. And, no, it is not because I am an Obamaite that I joined up. I just decided to give the other side a chance for a while. I figure, I had been a Republican since before I could vote and was registered as one for 18 years, so it was time for a change, a change that I can believe in. Speaking of Obama, I read his first book Dreams from my Father this past week and it was pretty impressive. He has had a wild ride of a life with many thought-provoking moments.

I am learning at least academically what the black experience in America is like. I can never understand it as they do, but I am beginning to be more aware of the inequities that exist for African Americans. And, no matter what white folks say about everybody having the same opportunities if they just apply themselves and try hard, this is not completely true. Nobody looks at me when I go into a store and wonders whether or not I will rob them. My peer group encouraged good grades and success in school and this is usually untrue for many African Americans, especially men. God forbid anyone "acts white."

As far as memories go ~

This week marks my second anniversary in the blogosphere. My readership has skyrocketed over the last few months. I mean, golly, I think I have five readers now.

This week marks the celebration of the 20th anniversary of a youth ministry group I was a part of back in the 80s, Praisong. In some ways I wish I could be there in Oklahoma City to celebrate with the old folks who were a part of it in those early days, some of whom I actually still keep in contact with. I was there for the tenth anniversary, but I was also in a different place in my life then. I wonder what they might think of my change of life. But I do recall a moment with one of the founders in which she questioned then whether or not I might end up in places that most young Pentecostals might not want to go. Maybe she was a little prophetic.

This is also the week that I remember my mother-in-law's sudden death in 2002. It is hard to believe it has been six years since this happened, but Elizabeth was not even born yet. This is still one of the most horrific experiences of my life. I had never really lost anyone close to me, let alone in a sudden manner. None of us had any time to deal with her death. She was just gone. I have never grieved over anyone that much, and I wonder if I will ever again. It was as if I grieved for myself, for my wife and for our children who would never know a grandmother. Even when my grandmother died the next year, the loss of whom I thought might take me over the edge just a few years before, did not affect me in the same way. It is still amazing to me how much our lives have changed since that day. Unfortunately, the day she was buried was also my mother's birthday, so each year as I celebrate one I am reminded of the loss of another.

And finally, memories of my home church in Oklahoma City were at the forefront of my thoughts just yesterday as a crane lifting the steeple for the new church building toppled over onto the car of a man watching the festivities and killed him. He was the father of one of our former music ministers who was very influential in my early musical life. I grieve for the church, a church that is moving to a new location after many years, looking for a fresh start. I grieve for this family who lost so much in such a bizarre way. You can read about the accident here.

Tomorrow I have a wedding. It will be interesting. . .

Peace.

P. S.: I thought it was tacky, but someone stole Barack Obama's prayer from the cracks in the Western Wall when he visited Jerusalem this last week and published it. Ever the nosy rosy, here's a look.

News Roll, Monday July 21, 2008

2008-07-21T12:17:00.003-05:00

You know, it is interesting how things turn out. I have had this whole struggle over the last few years with my spiritual identity, dealing with the perceived fall out over my decision to entire a new phase in my spiritual journey. Most people have been pleased with my decision or have given it absolutely no thought whatsoever. I guess it was a bigger deal to me than it was to anybody else. I guess it would have to be. My "therapist" brought out an interesting thought that I view a lot of things as failures that most people would view as just part of being human. He also said that I should be careful of perceived demons as opposed to real issues. I am working on this one. It was good to hear this from a professional counselor though.

So, I decided that I would read my Orthodox Study Bible the rest of this year. Well, I can tell you that they like their liturgy because the study notes on Leviticus are the longest I have ever seen in a study Bible. I mean, this was a book that I would gloss over each time I read through the Bible. I mean, I did actually read it each time, but I was not that interested in leprosy or menstrual cycles. Funny how they find Christ in all of the tedium. I think I could learn something from the Orthodox. To be able to find Jesus in the midst of seemingly unending rules. It was interesting that one study note said something like: "There are people who think liturgy is dead, but how can the work of the people be dead? It is only people who allow themselves to grow cold to the work within their own lives."

Sunday was good. I hardly slept Saturday night because Madeline came in about midnight and decided to sleep all over the bed as only an almost 3-year old can. But, I thought it was one of our better Sundays lately, especially the middle service. I hope the congregation is understanding this, but the Holy Spirit has been showing up to these services lately in a way that he may not have been until recently. I hope they sense the change. Maybe it is just that I am more aware of it, or that I am not as worried about what people might think anymore.

The latest news on my sad SUV ~ I took it today to have it repaired and a young woman from the Enterprise car rental place came to pick me up at the body shop. She was nice. I found out she was a member of another United Methodist congregation in the area, but that she had grown up at my church. Funny. I also found out that her mother drives her crazy and she is thinking about moving back to Maryland where she spent a few years after college. Everyone tells me everything. I am just glad that the car was not terribly damaged and I will have it back in a couple of days. The only bad thing is they put me in a compact car that reminds me of the one that hit me. No nightmares, just not used to sitting so low to the ground in a tin can.

More thoughts to come. I am waiting on a prospective student who will be singing on a cruise ship for ten months and needs a vocal coach for a few weeks before she ships out. I just keep thinking about the Love Boat. . .

Boring Was Fine

2008-07-18T14:02:00.005-05:00

So, I made the cardinal mistake this week of telling my mother in an email that everything was fine, kind of boring really. Well, that was Tuesday. Later that afternoon, I decided to make a trip to Borders because the local Books-A-Million did not have what I was looking for. Now Borders is about 40 minutes from our house across the Hathaway Bridge that connects Panama City with Panama City Beach. Now, understand, this is not usually a story at all, but the bridge is the only way to get from point A to point B. What I did not realize was I was almost out of gas. So, I get out to Borders and it was a waste of time. So I head back towards home get to the bridge, see a lot of traffic, and find that I have almost no gas and there is no turning back. Our traffic here is a joke compared with most places, but our big bridge can cause some major frustrations. Short story, I coasted into the closest gas station and made it home. I remember praying that God would help me get to the gas station. I blamed it on the Devil, of course. It is amazing how quickly I can revert to feeling persecuted for my own lack of judgment.

Nothing else seemed to jinx my "boring" week until last night. We went over to some friends' home for a little get together. They are moving to Rhode Island to take a new assignment in the US Air Force and their oldest daughter was in Elizabeth's preschool class this past year. They wanted their little ones to see our little ones one last time and we wanted to bid them a fond farewell, since they were really active in church (she played in my handbell choir as a substitute and was on the preschool board of advisers with Misty). Well, all seemed well until our friends informed me that the young man who lived across the street had backed into my car. So, I went out to look at it and, indeed, it was damaged. It was not that bad, still drivable, but bad enough that the entire bumper will have to be replaced. He must have barrelled out of his driveway to hit me hard enough to break his tail light and dent my bumper so well (I mean, he had a little Suzuki). We called the police and they wrote up a report. I was very calm the whole time. (My psychological evaluation said I was not quick to get angry, although it did say that it is hard for me to deal with angry folks.) They were very calm. I felt bad for the young man. He had just turned 20 last week, had never been in an accident, and was on his way to church. Anyway, after about 30 minutes dealing with the police and all that fun stuff, I was pretty much partied out. So, we said our goodbyes. The parents of the young man who wrecked my RAV-4 had already called in the accident to their insurance, so this morning when I called to report it, they already knew about it. I guess that is a good thing. They will be taking care of everything and I will get a rental car to drive around until my car is repaired. Now I just have to wait until I can take my car in to be fixed. I am just glad to not have to pay for anything. Summer is always our least funded season, since I do not teach as much this time of year (and I won't get paid for the class I am teaching now until the middle of August).

As for things on the home front: Misty is doing much better. She had a checkup yesterday and all seems to be working well. The nurse practitioner told her she was the model patient.

Hopefully, I will not have anything newsworthy to report for a while. I have a date with 3 gorgeous underage women tonight while their mom has a girls night out. When do I get a girls night off?

Human Jukeboxes

2008-07-13T15:48:00.001-05:00

Okay, so I was watching Six Degrees of Separation this afternoon. As you might remember, this was one of Will Smith's first movies. It was based on a Broadway play, and you can tell because there are few real set changes and there is a lot of very deep dialogue. The thesis of the play was that all people on earth are only six degrees away from everyone else on the planet. So, I know someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone else on the other side of the world.

Toward the end of the movie, Ouisa, who was played by Stockard Channing (Are you making fun of me Riz?) is at a large dinner party talking about her experience with this trickster of a young man who entered her life and ran amok with her emotions in a way she was never prepared to experience. Here is what she said:

"But it was an experience. I will not turn him into an anecdote. How do we keep what happens to us? How do we fit it into life without turning it into an anecdote, with no teeth, and a punch line you'll mouth over and over, years to come: "Oh, that reminds me of the time that impostor came into our lives. Oh, tell the one about that boy." And we become these human jukeboxes, spilling out these anecdotes. But it was an experience. How do we keep the experience?"

How do we as Christians keep what happens to us without turning it into an anecdote. "Do you remember that time the Lord really moved in our service?" How sad it is when that is all the presence of God is to us, an anecdote, something to remember pleasantly. The truth in Ouisa's statement was that she did not want this experience to be lost. It was important to her. She did not want to become a mere human jukebox, spewing out witty stories that were interesting but not really life changing. If our experiences with God are truly significant, then they will be life changing and worthy of more than a tidy little story. I think she really did not want to go back to a time when everything made sense, everything fit into its box. She wanted to live in the change that this person brought to her life.

I want to live in the change that God has brought to my life. As much as I miss the life before, I have come to realize that by pandering to the humanity of missing the past, I am actually in effect telling God that what He has planned for me is not as good as what I had planned for myself. I cannot live like that anymore. As I continue in my quest to be ordained in the United Methodist Church, I continue to become more at home with my new church and with myself. These are all works in progress, but at the very least I feel I am making progress. And sometimes, progress is enough.

The Big Sort

2008-07-13T14:50:00.004-05:00

There has been a good bit of coverage lately on a book published in May called The Big Sort: Why the Clustering of Like-Minded America is Tearing Us Apart by Bill Bishop. As much as we like to talk about diversity and multiculturalism in the church and in the United States more generally, the findings of this book make me question just how well we are winning this war to be inclusive and understanding of other people's lifestyles, etc. In a nutshell, the thesis of this book is that there was a time not too long ago in America when people of diverse political/religious/whatever other label lived right next to each other and had to deal with each other on a daily basis. Today, this dynamic has changed. More and more people are living in clusters of like-minded people, whether this be Republican/Democrat or Evangelical/Mainline. It is moving beyond this idea of blue states versus red states to segregated neighborhoods.

One of the main proponents of this book lately has been former president Bill Clinton. In a recent speech he had the following to say about The Big Sort:

"We can maximize our impact if we reach out to people who are different from ourselves . . . I want to recommend a book . . . He says . . . we are growing more isolated in our communities because we are living more and more only with people we agree with, and we are growing more isolated in our political debates because . . . we look at the television news and we read the Web sites of people who confirm what we think already. This is not good in a democracy. And so I urge you to read it."

"I’ll just give you one little factoid about it: In 1976 when President Carter and President Ford had a very close race for president. It was close in America. There were only thirty-two percent of our counties that voted for either one of them by more than twenty percent. Everywhere else in America there was a raging ongoing debate among friends and neighbors and people who went to church or synagogue or mosque or wherever together; they were all sitting there talking about this, and they were trying to build a sense of national unity out of their genuine concerns and debates. By 2004 ... it was also very close, but forty-eight and half percent of our counties voted for one or the other of them by more than twenty points."And Bishop has got a story in here, unbelievable story, about a brilliant developer in Southern California who did a market survey, and he found that in the area where he had the property, so he had to do the development, conservative Republicans and liberal Democrats were almost evenly divided, so, and he had one gated community he had to build, so on the left side he built houses that suited conservative Republicans, and on the right side he built places where you could have yoga and meditation and everything (laughter) that suited liberal Democrats, and he actually sold it out immediately, divided exactly as he had predicted, from his market surveys. Now, we’re laughing about this, but some of us are gonna have to cross the street, folks. That’s the last thing I want to say to you. I, we gotta --- "(applause)

"It was an amazing thing. So that’s the other thing I would say to young people: Do public service, not just with somebody who looks different that you do, but who thinks differently than you do. The way to --- we don’t need a phony unity in this country. The founding fathers understood that debate and differences were healthy, but you have to have them in a way that allows you to see the person who disagrees with you as a human being. Once we start doing big things together, we’ll figure out how to do it and we’ll do just fine. . . . "

I think this is significant for those of us who are trying to look past their specific demographic in order to see a more universal church rather than the white bread one I normally get. I guess the greatest concern I have is how polarizing issues tend to be. In the recent past we have seen the rise of evangelicalism in the military to a point that non-religious cadets at the Air Force Academy and West Point have brought charges against these institutions for catering to evangelicals and making it almost impossible to be successful if one is not religious in the military.

What this shows me is there is coming a point when our country will have to deal with two starkly contrasting positions: those who have grown up with no religious leanings at all, and those who have grown up with a fundamental/evangelical background. Both sides think they are absolutely right and constitutionally protected, and neither considers the rights of the other side. This alarms me because I don't think that Jesus was about infringing on others' rights. He knew what was right without having to knock people over the head with it. If this is not the case, then I cannot explain why he chose the disciples he chose or had dinner with the folks he came to call to repentance.

This has been a concern of mine for some time and is one of the reasons I left my former denomination. My biggest problem was that there was no room for dialogue on issues. There was the right answer and the wrong one and nothing in between. I am all about moderation and think it might be a good idea for us to try to come back to the center, meet people half way. But meeting people in the middle means we each have to take a step.

Catching Up With Family

2008-07-13T14:00:00.000-05:00

So, I plan to talk about my psychological evaluation at some point in the near future, but we will save it for a rainy day.

The last week has been interesting. We played host to my mother, my sister and her two little boys this past week. We had a good time catching up, but with 5 children in our home, four of which were five and under, to say that the place was a-rockin' would be an understatement. I am really glad I had several days to myself, though you can never really prepare.

Over the week we went to the marina for the 4th of July, the beach a couple of times, to Destin to shop, etc. Of course, I had to pretend to work this past week and teach my night class at the community college, and get the big girls to their summer school (painting class and Kindergarten preparedness, not dummy training) so it was fun balancing these different parts of my life crashing together.

One thing we had not anticipated was that Misty had surgery on Friday to remove her gall bladder (see above). She had been having trouble and that was why we shortened our family vacation to central Florida a few weeks ago. But she went to Texas in the interim and we were planning for her to go to the surgeon on Thursday to set up a laparoscopic procedure in a week or so. Well, Monday she started feeling bad again and so she was able to move up her consultation to Tuesday. She went in for pre-operation blood work Wednesday and had the surgery Friday morning. The hospital actually called us two hours earlier than we had planned, so we rushed around and got ready and went to the hospital with my mom in tow for moral support. Aunt Jen stayed home with all five children. I think she had been drinking, because when we got back from the hospital about 1:30 that afternoon, she was a little glazed over. Just kidding.

Well, the middle of the story is Misty is doing as well as can be expected. She feels a little bruised, but is in good spirits. She was well enough to keep the children by herself while I did a funeral Saturday afternoon (Mimi and the rest left by 5 a. m. Saturday) and while I went to church Sunday morning. We have had a couple of families bring us food which is nice. I hate to cook, so we would have been eating out.

The last funeral I did was interesting and very short. I took it that the family was not in love with their father, or at least pretended that things were better than they had been. I am determined that by the time I die, my children will not be questioning my love for them or the example I set for them. Something about going to so many funerals makes me put my life in better perspective. Speaking of funerals, I have another one on Monday for the husband of one of my musicians. It is really sad because he was not old, just in need of a liver transplant. He was on the list a few weeks and just got too sick.

Nothing else really to report, at least nothing life changing. . . .except . . .

Personal Discovery Should Remain Personal

2008-07-02T22:07:00.002-05:00

So, after the great success that was my patriotic musical celebration, I have had three things to look forward to this week: The beginning of my new class at the community college; My trip to Prattville, Alabama to visit with my counselor about my "psychoses;" and My family's return to Florida with Grandma and Aunt Jen and boys in tow.

Monday night I met with my new class for the first time. I have 33 students in a class that meets for 3.5 hours two nights a week. It is forever long, but I keep their attention with my winning wit and vigor. It is a good class with enough students who know something about music to make it interesting for me and enough of the rest seem interested enough to make the time go by quickly. I do not realize how much I miss teaching until I start doing it again, it comes back like I never stopped, and I become a tiny bit nostalgic. Not enough to go back to teaching full time yet (or maybe ever), but just enough to know that I need to keep doing what I am doing. Tonight there were a few girls who kept talking on and off through the third hour of the class and some students on the other side of the class kept giving them dirty looks. I thought it was funny. I guess I already have fans.

Tuesday afternoon I left for Prattville, about 3.5 hours from my house in Lynn Haven. I had a quiet evening so I would be in a decent mood the next day. I was uncharacteristically calm about this go-round with the conference counselor. This time we went over the results of my psychological evaluations that I took almost two months ago. It was amazing to hear myself described in such clinical terms, but there were no startling revelations about my inner workings. It was bizarre to hear him discuss my inner turmoil and anxiety and the fact that I was dealing with a "sad" episode at the time I took the test. Oddly enough, he was also able to determine that this was an episodic occurrence rather than an everyday event. The only thing that has bothered me about these little trips is the expense, mainly because of gas prices, but also because they have been morning sessions that have made it necessary for me to go up the night before. The getaways have been nice and quiet, but the price eats away at my pocketbook a little more than I would like to admit. Once I receive my copy of the official report, I may speak more specifically about the findings, but for now it is safe to say that things went as smooth as possible. And, I can say without reservation that I am glad this part of the ordination process is over.

Tomorrow the fam returns. I am looking forward to a full house this next week. We plan to do something fun for the 4th of July and spend the week together catching up. It will be the first time I have seen my sister or my mom since Christmas. That is the one thing I absolutely hate--living so far away from my family that I cannot see them very often. I understand it is a part of this getting to know me process that I have been on these last few years and I truly believe I have needed to do this in order to better serve my purpose for the Kingdom, but that does not make it any easier. Well, at least I will get to see them for a little while.

Peace

Believers are Dangerous

2008-06-29T21:44:00.002-05:00

Well, since my last confession, several things have happened. We got a call from the doctor on Tuesday after Misty and the girls left for Texas. Looks like she will need surgery after all. So pray for her and for the rest of the family while mom recuperates. My four girls have been out and about since Tuesday morning and my house has never been quieter. I like quiet for a while, but it is getting old. I just want to tell some child to pipe down.

This quiet week was spent preparing for our church musical patriotic celebration this evening. I will tell you that up until today, I wondered if we would pull it off. But, true to form, the choir and other music groups pulled it together and did a phenomenal job. I wish I had recorded it after all. We had a covered dish supper and then our program of patriotic music. It went well and there was a full, very responsive house. I will refrain from discussing the fact that we had more at the patriotic shindig than we had in church this morning. God and country always seem to have a way of bringing out the best in people. I guess I should just be happy about it and not over analyze it. It was well-received and another point of endearment. It is nice to have fans.

In other news, last week I found out my "Understanding Music" class at the community college did not make. Well, this week, I was commandeered to teach another section of the course that did make but had no teacher. Odd, I know. So, now I have to prepare for a class with at least 30 students in it that I will start tomorrow evening. Funny, because of the timing, I missed the first two class meetings. At least I will get paid for the class and I do not have to prepare very much. It is nice to teach classes for which I already know all the answers.

I was watching this episode of Firefly, a cancelled sci-fi television show from a few years back, the other day. One of the main characters was a shepherd, a 26th century version of a pastor. In this episode, a very disturbed, yet highly intelligent young woman gets hold of the shepherd's Bible and begins to make corrections and ripping out problem passages. She starts telling him all that is wrong with it mathematically. Noah's ark is a problem. She wants to fix the Bible. The shepherd takes the Bible from her and tells her that you don't fix the Bible. It fixes you. I thought this was a good way to explain what faith does for us. It is not about everything in the Bible having to make perfect sense, but about the way it infiltrates us and changes us.

The movie follow up to the series, Serenity, also brings up the subject of believers. In a negative light, it discusses a man who is determined to undermine the plans of some of the main characters. This man is called a believer, and believers are dangerous because they do not see anything but what they believe. I have thought about this a good deal, how important it is to have something to truly believe in. It appears that most of us only pretend to be believers. Clearly, most of us are not dangerous and only true believers are willing to die for their cause.

This week I go back to Alabama for the second session with my ordination counselor. I was worried about it, but I have come to terms with my issues. I am sure things will be fine. But even if they are not, I know God will have a plan. He always seems to have a plan, whether or not I understand it or not--whether I like it or not. So, I might as well get used to it.

I got a new Bible this week called the Orthodox Study Bible. I have been tracking the progress of St. Athanasius' Academy's English version of the Septuagint since they began over a decade ago. The translation was begun by the same group of former evangelicals who entered the Antiochian Orthodox Church several years ago after searching out the ancient faith. [Their spiritual journey was chronicled in the book Becoming Orthodox by Peter Gilquist.] It purports to be a definitive translation of the Greek Old Testament for Orthodox Christians and contains commentary from an Orthodox perspective as well as thoughts from the Church Fathers. It is based on the New King James version of the Bible, but has some interesting differences in translation, not to mention its inclusion of the apocryphal books included in the Septuagint. You know, I like the Maccabees and Sirach as much as the next guy, though I must admit it is interesting and a little unnerving to see them and all the canonical books in Orthodox order. And, no, Malachi is not the last book of the Orthodox Old Testament. I have decided to try to read through this Bible during the rest of 2008. Should be fun, you know, in an Orthodox way.

I came across this passage in Genesis 16 concerning Hagar and Sarah. It is the passage in which Sarah offers Hagar to Abraham in order to raise up children since Sarah is barren. Hagar conceives and Sarah is jealous, behaves rather badly, and throws the now pregnant Hagar out of her house. Hagar is on the run and running out of options. The Angel of the Lord, a theophany in Orthodox understanding, calls out to Hagar and promises that her son will be a great nation. Hagar then calls God "the God who sees me" in this new Orthodox translation, as opposed to only the "God who sees" as the NKJV translates the verse. It is amazing how one word changes the entire meaning for me. Imagine, God sees me, and that is his name. He is known as the God who sees me. When I feel alone and do not seem to know how to cope, the God who sees me is there. It makes me want to be a dangerous believer.

Peace.

Christians: No One Path to Salvation

2008-06-23T18:49:00.005-05:00

I found this significant article from Time about the role religion is playing in America these days. It appears the monolithic evangelical movement is not what it once was. Here are some excerpts:

By DAVID VAN BIEMA Mon Jun 23, 3:30 PM ET

"Americans of every religious stripe are considerably more tolerant of the beliefs of others than most of us might have assumed, according to a new poll released Monday. The Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life last year surveyed 35,000 American, and found that 70% of respondents agreed with the statement "Many religions can lead to eternal life." Even more remarkable was the fact that 57% of Evangelical Christians were willing to accept that theirs might not be the only path to salvation, since most Christians historically have embraced the words of Jesus, in the Gospel of John, that "no one comes to the Father except through me." Even as mainline churches had become more tolerant, the exclusivity of Christianity's path to heaven has long been one of the Evangelicals' fundamental tenets. The new poll suggests a major shift, at least in the pews."

"The survey's biggest challenge is to the theologians and pastors who will have to reconcile their flocks' acceptance of a new, polyglot heaven with the strict admission criteria to the gated community that preceded it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only religious groups to have a high majority of their adherents believe their religion was the only way to eternal life were the Mormons and the Jehovah's Witnesses. Thoughts?

A Tale of Two Weeks

2008-06-20T17:12:00.005-05:00

So it has been a couple of weeks since I last felt the necessity to comment on la vie Keaton. I spent a week preparing to go on vacation and a week on vacation and now I am back preparing to get back into life as usual, basically.

It has been almost two weeks since I ventured north to Prattville, Alabama to meet with the conference marriage and family therapist. As it turned out, this initial visit was just that--and initial consultation, a get to know you time that lasted only about thirty minutes. It was a bit of a let down since it takes over 3.5 hours to get to Prattville from Panama City and with the price of gas continuing to rise, it was a fairly expensive 30 minute tete-a-tete. Even better, I will get to go back the week after next (July 1 to be exact) to have the longer consultation in which we will discuss the results of my psychological evaluations that I took more than a month ago now. I am trying not to stress about this, and right now nothing is bothering me. I just may have had a decent vacation after all. The rest of the week was pointless since I was about to leave. I just had to make sure that things ran smoothly for Sunday (which I hope they did) and that I would be ready to walk right back in the next Sunday (which I hope to do).

So, last Saturday we left for central Florida. The only reason we ended up going to Lakeland was because every other time share in the Southeastern United States, with the exception of the horrible one we stayed at a couple of years ago, was booked months ago. So, with some reservations, we headed down I-75 toward Tampa. We had an uneventful trip in my little Toyota RAV-4. The girls watched the Brady Bunch most of the way down. We checked in 7 hours later at a nice condo with two bedrooms, a full kitchen, dining room, etc. It was nice.

We had planned to do little things and then maybe go to Disney one day since it was less than an hour away. We started out by visiting Cypress Gardens, the oldest amusement park in Florida, on Father's Day. A few years ago it was almost closed, but was bought out by Wild Adventures in Valdosta, Georgia, just up the interstate. It was a lot like Wild Adventures, especially the rides. The girls really liked it. Unlike most amusement parks, they had a lot of rides geared toward children, so we had a lot to choose from. Emma has not been real big on riding roller coasters, but this time around I got her to ride all of the roller coasters in the park. Most of them were really tame compared to the ones at Six Flags or Universal Studios, so I thought this would be a good time to experiment. We got to ride an old fashioned wooden roller coaster that used to be in Panama City Beach called the Starliner. She did not care for that one too much, but she loved the more modern ones, especially this one called the Swamp Thing in which your feet hang out the bottom. I had never been on one of those before. The things we will do for our children.

Monday we stayed in Lakeland and went to their Children's museum. The girls really liked learning and playing there. We spent the afternoon at the pool. Later that night we went to the Rib Crib for dinner. After this little outing, Mommy got sick. It seems that she has been having some trouble lately. Tuesday we went back to Cypress Gardens since we had a second day free. Mommy did not ride that day and we left kind of early because she still did not feel well. Daddy took the little girls to the pool that afternoon while Mommy rested.

Wednesday, we decided to go into Tampa and visit the Florida Aquarium. It is really nice, much like the Dallas World Aquarium. We had a good time looking at fish and sharks and other aquatic life. Mommy started feeling bad, so we cut our day short and decided it was time to come home. So, Mommy called the doctor and we left Thursday morning to come home to make an appointment Friday morning. So, Misty went to the doctor this morning and has to have a battery of tests because they think it is her gall bladder for real. We have thought this was a possibility for some time, but Mommy, much like Daddy, refuses to go to the doctor when she should. So, instead of leaving for Texas on Monday as she had planned, Misty will be having blood tests and a sonogram of some sort. She will then leave on Tuesday to go back to Texas for a shorter visit. So, pray for us. Misty is not worried, but we hope it is not something really serious. While she was at the doctor today, I decided to get a little sick myself. I am feeling better now, just troublesome allergies and a headache to boot. Welcome back to northwest Florida to me!

All is Relative

2008-06-08T19:45:00.002-05:00

Well, it has been several days since I was inspired enough to write something down.

This week was absolutely crazy at church. We had vacation Bible school, which was fine. It just meant that I was not able to accomplish much during the mornings and then, when I was able to work, I had to watch my children. So, not as much accomplished as I would like. And, our ministers were out and about this past week, so the rest of us kind of had to keep things afloat.

My handbell choir performed today at two of the services. I enjoy having them play but it is a lot of work to get ready for a performance. This week was worse. Because of VBS, I had to set up and tear down the bells and tables 3 times. Not fun. Wednesday night we had this picnic on the lawn and the worship team played some songs while Choir practice was going on, Misty was out of town so I was in charge of the children, and I had to get the choir and handbells together because the bells were accompanying the choir Sunday. It was a little bit of a disaster, but eventually we got it together. Today, the performance went fine. We played three songs, the last of which with the Choir and all in all things were good. It was our last hurrah for the season.

I realized today that if I did not know I needed a vacation, I do now. So, we will leave for central Florida this next weekend and I intend to be gone as long as possible, which, turns out to be a week. I have already got everything ready for the Sunday I am gone and for the one on which I return, so I don't have to worry about anything for a while.

Tuesday, I get to visit with the conference counselor to continue in the ordination process. Because I am nervous about it, I am planning to go up to Prattville, Alabama, just north of Montgomery tomorrow evening so I can have some time to settle down before my appointment at 10:00 Tuesday morning. I do not think this will be an ordeal, but I over-analyze everything and so I really could stand to have a calm night before the inquisition. Pray that they do not immediately admit me to an institution. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my children, but I have been with them almost 24-7 for the last three weeks and they are driving me bonkers. It will do me some good to have one night away. Misty has gotten a couple of nights away over the last few months, so it is my turn. I am planning to take a book and read in quiet. It will be a nice respite before my vacation with the children. The following week, Misty and the girls will go back to Texas for about two weeks. Then my real vacation will begin. Of course, after a day or so I will really miss them, but absence does make the heart grow fonder.

In other news ~ Obama is the Democratic candidate. I have never heard so many folks tell me they are afraid of him. Hard to tell if this is just political or if it has a little bit of a racial tinge to it. Thoughts?

The gay Episcopalian bishop of New Hampshire, Rev. V. Gene Robinson got married yesterday. Well, it was a civil union, which is legal in New Hampshire. Where does one register for a gay wedding?

I have been reading this book Head and Heart: American Christianities by Garry Wills. The book discusses the different facets of Christianities in American history and how different groups helped shape national trends in Christianity. There is a long discussion on the separation of church and state, the Great Awakenings, and slavery and other issues that divided the church regionally. I wonder, how much of our reading of the Scriptures or our understanding of God is based on the time in which we live and how others around us view them? I like to think of myself as a liberal kind of guy, open to ideas. But I wonder what side of some the very divisive issues in American church history I would have come down on had I been there to come up with an unbiased decision. Is my understanding and compassion towards certain hot topic issues completely biased by the fact that I live in the 21st century? Would I be so open-minded if I lived 100 years ago?

There is a song by Gavin DeGraw called "Relative." Most of it is not really appropriate to discuss on this blog, no matter how true it might be. But the chorus goes something like this:

And all is relative, relative

Everything is relative, yes it is

It's all about the way we receive it

How much we believe it

Depending on the life you lead, if you lead it

Compare it to yourself

Compared to someone else, you care

And if you pick the threads in your closet, the cash in your wallet

The color of the skin in your blood, and how you got it

Compare it to yourself

Compared to someone else, you care

I remember back in high school we talked about relativism as this great evil, and maybe it is. But I wonder how many of our beliefs are based on a certain relativism? These could be things we believe in or things we stand against, but how does the time in which we live effect our understandings of these beliefs? Maybe I am grasping at straws here, and maybe I am just tired and cannot quite communicate my feelings, but there was a time when people in the north and south were able to biblically support the institution of slavery and I do not think there is a person alive today who thinks slavery is a good thing. Truth is, it has not been that long ago that people of color were not welcomed in the church where I work, but, thankfully, that is not the case today at all. Or take something ridiculous by comparison: There was a time when a person would have been asked to leave a church if they were not dressed appropriately. In most circles, this is considered ludicrous now, but it was a deal breaker back in the day. Will there come a day when some of our hotbed issues, like homosexuality or insert other issue here, are viewed in the same manner?

Well, I seek your prayers as I begin this next round of the "process." God help me.

Do you need a passport to go to Alabama?

"Not That There's Anything Wrong With That"

2008-05-30T15:30:00.003-05:00

It has been a week since my last confession.

First of all, Sunday went without incident. It was all good, really. We had a military speaker do a short presentation about his recent stint in Baghdad. He did a great job and it was really moving. He talked about how his Christmas was spent doing a Patriot Duty in which he had to time the company's salute to coincide with the passing of a casket for a soldier going home for the last time. It was really sad to think that we are still fighting so many years and so many thousands of lives later. Nothing more to say there.

Then, of course, we had the day off for Memorial Day. Misty spent much of the day cleaning out our garage. It looks great now, but it was quite a chore. We had spent much of Saturday planting and replanting some of our shrubbery. We had a young man from the church come out and do some additional work to make the front lawn more appealing. It looks really good now and, with the garage clean, we can actually move around with the cars parked inside.

Of course, this is also a week that I dread for other reasons. Our preschool is closed this week each year and so I was forced to hunt down other childcare possibilities. It ended up that I could find someone only for Tuesday and Wednesday. So, I have been with the littlest Keaton angels for the last 48 straight. I love them, but I am tired of children. It did not help that this was also a week of craziness from the wife. Several problems arose. First, she was expecting two end-of-the-year packages to arrive in the mail and they never came. She had what we think is another gall bladder attack late Friday night (a week ago) and then Tuesday night she bit down on something and a crown popped off. This was cause for the greatest concern because right now she does not have dental insurance. She found a dentist who is affiliated in some way with the school and got in quickly and painlessly. The crown was replaced without having to pay for the visit. Sometimes it is very nice to be living in a small town. Somebody we know always knows somebody else who can help.

In other news ~

What is up with Barack Obama and all these ministers coming to his "defense"? I mean, what is it about him that makes ministers, this time a white priest, think it is perfectly acceptable to paint Hillary Clinton as a racist and those who have voted for her as such? There must be something in the water in Chicago. I just cannot fathom that these people think they are helping him by bringing up the exact opposite of what he is trying to preach--tolerance and unity. The most stunning thing for me is that these bigoted diatribes are coming from members of the clergy who are supposed to take on the peace-seeking garb of Christ, not the clothing of hatred. It makes me wonder if some of these mainline church leaders see an opportunity to project themselves onto the political landscape in a way that only evangelicals have in recent years. If this is the case, how self-seeking can one be to use the pulpit to spread bigotry. There is a reason we have the separation of church and state--to protect both institutions from each other.

It has been a little over a week since the California Supreme Court issued its ruling in favor of gay marriage. It is interesting to me that, even though the state seems to be mostly opposed to the idea of gay marriage, the Supreme Court would basically decide to overrule the mind of the people. But that is a digression. Why is it that we have such a problem with gay marriage? Now, I am not a fan myself. I kind of always thought that being gay was a way to avoid getting married. And I know the religious right answer to that. "Homosexuality is an abomination to the Lord!" Or "The Bible says God hates fags!" Or my favorite: "Gay marriage will destroy the institution of traditional marriage and the family." I guess my real question is: "Will legalized gay marriage really destroy the institution of marriage?" I heard an interesting question on CNN last night from an average Joe who asked whether gay marriage or the 50% divorce rate in this country would do more damage to traditional marriage. It is worth thinking about at the very least.

All of this reminded me of something that Thomas Jefferson wrote in his book Notes on Virginia (1782).

"But it does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg."

Now, Jefferson was talking about religion here, but I think the same logic applies to the gay marriage issue. What does it really matter if gay people are allowed to get married? It does not pick my pocket or break my leg. I may not approve of it, but there are a lot of things of which I do not approve that are perfectly legal. A gay individual commented on CNN that he thought gay marriage was relatively insignificant since there were still places in the world where gay people are killed just for being gay (and, I might add, these actions are often condoned by the religious establishment of these places). I am concerned that it will become one of those political issues that derails our country from more pressing struggles like the economy or the environment or poverty--and there is something wrong with letting these things slip to the sidelines.

That's all for now. I have to plan a date with 3 young ladies tonight. Mom is painting the town with her gal pals tonight, not that there's anything wrong with that.

Another Milestone and a Millstone

2008-05-23T12:45:00.004-05:00

Today was Elizabeth's K4 graduation at the preschool. She did such a good job at their little program. She got to sing the ABC song all by herself. She had a small class of only 8 students, so the program was short. One thing I have appreciated about our preschool is that they prepare a scrapbook of the year's projects and pictures of the children throughout the school term. It is nice to have one of these for Madeline and Elizabeth. It is amazing how much they have grown in such a short time. We don't notice it so readily because we are with them everyday. Congratulations to Elizabeth for making it through K4. Now on to Mommy's school and Kindergarten. Last week we went and bought her some uniforms for next school term. She is getting to be so big. Granted, her little sister is almost as big as she is. I am afraid Elizabeth may be a midget.

Yesterday, I had another meeting with my ordination support group. I am really beginning to like these get-togethers and the process is really becoming much better for me. I am realizing that, though much of this work is tedious, it is not pointless. And, more importantly, it is about my desire to be submissive to the process rather than trying to run it myself. I realize that since I have been considering this for such a long time, and since I am no idiot, I have the tendency to see too many possibilities that could be the right one and I spend too much time trying to make those happen, when I should just allow God to process me. In the end, I will be less stressed and more prepared for waiting on the Lord. I am looking forward to the possibility of going back to school. I may try to start as early as this fall since I will have a scholarship to start working on my academic "deficiencies." And, if I like it, I may just keep working till I finish another degree. But I am doing my best to not get ahead of myself and only work toward the immediate goal for now.

In other news: What do you think about John McCain's repudiation of John Hagee's and Rod Parsley's endorsements of his presidential campaign? I wonder how this will be viewed in the evangelical camp. Not that these two ministers are all that influential in the grand scheme of things, but the idea that a presidential candidate would come out in opposition may be viewed in less than positive light. Although, it is Hagee and Parsley--it may be a deal clincher. He may end up better than he was with their endorsements. I think most people are more like me and think these guys are looney tunes. It is funny how McCain has tried to distance himself from them and indicate that neither of them were his pastor of 20 years. Funny.

I had a conversation this week about flag lapel pins. I asked why it was necessary for a presidential candidate to wear a flag pin and the answer seemed to be that if someone was running for president, they needed to be patriotic. Barack Obama neither wears a flag lapel pin not salutes the flag during the pledge of allegiance; therefore he is not patriotic and someone who wants to be president ought to be the most patriotic person in America. There have been an inordinate amount of rumors going around about Obama's patriotism, especially after his wife, Michelle, made the comment that for the first time in her adult life she is proud of America. I agree that her words were not well chosen; however, I think she was trying to communicate that she was pleased that for once a black man could run a serious campaign for president and actually have a good chance of winning. Most people will not give any public figure the benefit of the doubt and therein is the main issue.

Now the truth of the matter is that on one highly visible occasion in Iowa in 2007 Obama was seen with hands clasped in front of him during the singing of the national anthem, not while saying the pledge of allegiance. But there are several video clips of him on snopes.com showing him saluting the flag and saying the pledge of allegiance in the Senate chamber, even leading the Senate in the pledge.

As for the the controversy over the flag lapel pin, ABC News ran this comment from Obama:

"You know, the truth is that right after 9/11, I had a pin," Obama said. "Shortly after 9/11, particularly because as we're talking about the Iraq War,that became a substitute for I think true patriotism, which is speaking out on issues that are of importance to our national security, I decided I won't wear that pin on my chest. Instead," he said, "I'm going to try to tell the American people what I believe will make this country great, and hopefully that will be a testimony to my patriotism."

I think it all goes back to the question of "what is patriotic?" Am I unpatriotic because I never wear a flag pin? Granted, I am not running for president, but I really think most politicians wear the flag as a way to feign patriotism for political gain. I mean, I never wear a cross pin. Does that make me un-Christian? Of course we would agree that wearing a cross does not make us a Christian, but why are we so quick to judge a person's patriotism over a trinket? In some ways I think Obama gives many of us Americans too much credit for being able to deal with issues in an adult way. Sadly, I think Obama is an idealist, and you know what America does to idealists?

What's Holding You Together?

2008-05-22T09:34:00.001-05:00

The Will of the Gods?

2008-05-19T09:12:00.003-05:00

So, after the horror that was the long-endurance personality inventory Friday morning, the rest of the weekend was pretty quiet. It rained quite a bit over Thursday and Friday, so I thought we would be stuck in our house most of the weekend. But by Friday night, I did not care about the weather and needed to get out and about. So, we went to the touristy restaurant in Panama City Beach that we had never been to, Angelo's Steak Pit. The irony of a restaurant like this is worth the trip. It is a big steak house with a gift shop and a huge bull out front. It was fun. Then we went out to the new Pier Park mall. It is really nice. It has a Borders Books. I love Borders. It is nice to have one close again. It makes me feel like I am not on the other side of the world from civilization.

Sunday was a chaotic day, one of those where we try to put entirely too much into each service. Sunday night I had to lead worship for the youth service and we had a good time. I went a little longer than they normally go, but it seemed to be received well. I think many of them are coming around to the idea of engaging in worship. It makes me feel good to know that the soil has been cultivated well and some day soon there just might be a harvest.

In other thoughts~ I have not mentioned anything about the horrific natural disasters that have hit Asia over the last few weeks. I think the cyclone in Myanmar may go down as one of the worst in history, primarily for the government's failure to allow humanitarian aid into the country. The last report indicated that nearly 100,000 people may have been killed. Then, on the heels of the cyclone, the earthquake in China claimed tens of thousands of lives. It was stunning to see them pulling people out of the rubble. One of the worst was scenes of classrooms filled with children crushed where they sat. Unbearable.

Just after the "Christmas" tsunami of 2004, I read this syndicated article in the newspaper that I have since lost. It was written by a Jewish rabbi who had an interesting perspective on natural disasters and how countries deal with them. He indicated that countries who had not accepted Christianity, or had not been significantly influenced by Judeo-Christian ideologies, oftentimes were ill prepared to deal with catastrophes. His thesis went something like this: "Christian" countries have a great respect for the individual human life and when something horrible happens, they tend to come together to help each other through the trouble [think New York after 911]. Another significant thing "Christians" do is they learn from their mistakes in building or whatever and make sure that things like this do not happen again if at all possible. He mentioned issues of flooding in the Netherlands and how they all came together to help rebuild and to figure out a way to reign in the ocean so there could never be a flood again like the last one. The most significant point was that there has not been a significant death toll from a natural disaster in Europe or North America in over a hundred years.

On the flip side, the rabbi said just the opposite about countries who had not accepted Christianity, especially those in southeast Asia. They serve multiple impersonal gods, they do not usually help each other as much during times of great disaster, they go back to life as usual immediately, etc. You get the idea. Since they do not place importance on the individual human life, maybe because their gods do not seem as interested in their lives as the Christian God, they do not recover as quickly or at all from natural catastrophes. They do not value education in a western sense of the word, so they do not usually learn how to deal with natural disasters when they come around again. [When I heard about the shoddy building practices in the area of the Chinese earthquake, I was reminded of the 2004 article.] How does one deal with the thought that it must have been the will of the gods that so many people were killed?

I want to make it clear that I do not think these countries are being punished because they have rejected Christianity. Myanmar is one of the countries most closed to the Gospel, but it is filled with people God loved and for whom Christ died. The same could be said for China. Granted, there are millions of secreted Christians there. I really do not believe God does this kind of thing. Now, since the time this article was written, Hurricane Katrina, the deadliest hurricane in US history hit New Orleans. I believe there were over 1800 dead and almost 800 missing as a result of this storm. Granted, these are not numbers anywhere near the Burmese cyclone or the Chinese earthquake, but does the rabbi's thesis work in the case of Katrina?

What do you think?

A Census Taker Once Tried to Test Me . . .

2008-05-16T14:45:00.002-05:00

So, today was the day that I finally got around to taking the first part of the psychological testing for my ordination candidacy process. After dropping off the little girls at preschool, I went over to the church where my mentor is the senior minister and took these personality tests. First, I took the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory-2 (MMPI-2) which is 567 questions. in length. Each question is a True or False question. Many of them have to do with whether or not you hate yourself, your family, or animals. Some of the questions were really difficult to answer (not the ones about hating myself or the family) and the more honest I wanted to be, the more concerned I got that maybe I should be more reserved. Who can say?

Then I took this "complete the sentence" exam in which they gave me a short sentence beginning like "My father seldom . . ." or "My ideal woman . . ." and I have to complete the thought as honestly as possible. The last question really stumped me: "Name three famous people (not religious figures) who you most admire and list the qualities of each that make you admire them." I could not think of one living famous person that I would want to be like, so I named some dead presidents that I have recently studied.

After the complete the sentence test, I took an additional personality inventory on the Internet that also included an IQ portion. I found after a while that I began answering similar questions differently. Maybe I got more honest as I went or maybe I was just too tired to stop and think them through as well as earlier in the process. The instructions said there was no right or wrong answer (except for the IQ portion) but there is always a wrong answer. I finished the exams at 11:00 this morning, 2 1/2 hours after I began. I am just glad that it is done. One more hurtle jumped for now.

I have started to get all of these informational packets from United Methodist seminaries in the mail since I began the candidacy process. I will have to take at least 8 or 9 courses to be ordained as a deacon, so I am interested to know what is available to me. I plan on taking as much as possible through distance education and through short-term residency in the summers or in January terms. Who knows, I may enjoy the courses enough that I want to complete another degree. I imagine if I decide to do that, I may be more inclined to take up residency at a seminary, though it is possible to do an "in-ministry" MDiv program through Asbury Theological Seminary that would allow me to stay exactly where I am for the duration. I am open to any possibility, but I am not going to go looking for this until after I am finished with the candidacy process. And, should I decide to move to go to school, it will be a good few years before that is even a possibility (and I would have to be able to find a church position close enough to a seminary so that I could finish school and still be gainfully employed). At this point, this seems so far in the future that there is no need to even consider it right now, but this has always been one plan I have had for myself--to finish a graduate degree in theology or Biblical studies. Time will tell.

Today I went to the girls' doctor to pick up an immunization and health form for Elizabeth's Kindergarten file and Madeline's allergy testing results. Oddly enough, the blood tests showed that Madeline is not overly allergic to anything . . . at all! I wonder if this is really accurate, since these past six weeks have been her longest period without an allergic attack of any kind in her entire short life. I mean, since we got rid of our dog, cleaned the carpets well, and got a new vacuum cleaner, she has hardly even coughed. I guess I should be relieved, but it still makes me wonder if the testing was just inconclusive. We may have to do a different kind of test just to make sure. I guess for now we will just be happy with these results.

Nothing else new to report, except that yesterday I read that a woman who was influential in my early musical life had died in December of 2005 and I did not even know about it. She was the co-founder of a children's musical group to which I belonged back in the day and I had completely lost contact with her (and the group, for that matter) until, providentially, I ran into her at a restaurant in Branson, Missouri back in the summer of 2005. I had no idea she lived there and even less of an idea that she was dying of cancer then. She seemed full of life and was interested to get me involved again as the organization was working in Texas as well at the time. I received some communications back in the fall of 2005, but nothing that would have led me to believe something was wrong. Then my life changed dramatically and I lost contact again.

It is amazing how we can lose track of people who were once so much a part of our lives. This happened with most of my friends from high school and from my growing up in general. It has already begun to happen with many of my friends and colleagues from Texas (though Facebook helps). Friendships are usually based on commonalities like geography or a workplace or an organization. But take those things out of the equation and how long does the friendship last.

For instance, there was a time shortly after I left Southwestern that I could talk to students or former colleagues about things that were going on there like someone who knew the place. But now, it would take so much explanation for me to understand what is going on there now, it would likely not be worth the effort to explain the circumstances to me. The commonality is gone. It does not mean the friendship goes away, it just has to change or it will die with the change of scenery.

Or, take this for instance ~ Six months before we moved to Florida, I got the opportunity to see several of my friends from high school again at an old friend's wedding. I had not seen most of them in over ten years, but immediately upon arriving, it was amazing how much the same it was with us. We talked and were really truthful with each other. I had one person tell me that if anyone in the world would understand something they had done it would be me. It was nice to see them and we promised we would talk again soon, but I have only spoken to one of them since (and this second and only additional time was in 2006 mind you). Maybe these friends were bound by a certain time and geography.

I have very few friends (okay, maybe just one) that I have kept with me for long periods of time without losing touch. It is interesting that these few are also the ones that, like me, have made major geographical and ideological changes in their lives. I believe it is these changes that have kept us yoked to each other since we no longer see each other on a regular basis and live thousands of miles from each other (the regular commonalities are no longer part of the equation). Maybe we actually know each other beyond the everyday bounds of place and time frame.

So my question for today is, how do we keep the common ground in our relationships after the geography or ideology changes? Is it even possible or profitable to attempt to keep them alive? Are some "good" friends meant to be limited by geography or ideology?

E. T. Is My Brother?

2008-05-14T08:48:00.004-05:00

Check out these headlines:

Vatican: It's OK to Believe in Aliens.

VATICAN CITY - Believing that the universe may contain alien life does not contradict a faith in God, the Vatican's chief astronomer said in an interview published Tuesday. The Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, the Jesuit director of the Vatican Observatory, was quoted as saying the vastness of the universe means it is possible there could be other forms of life outside Earth, even intelligent ones. Check out the rest of the article here.

Televangelist John Hagee Apologizes to Catholics

WASHINGTON - John Hagee, an influential Texas televangelist who endorsed John McCain, apologized to Catholics Tuesday for his stinging criticism of the Roman Catholic Church and for having "emphasized the darkest chapters in the history of Catholic and Protestant relations with the Jews." You can find the rest of the article here.

I kind of wonder if John Hagee had known the Catholic Church would allow for the possibility of extra-terrestrial life, he might have waited to apologize.

I do not know which one of these I thought was more unlikely? I mean, aliens I can understand, but John Hagee?

Would Jesus Vote for Obama?

2008-05-12T14:05:00.005-05:00

"I just keep thinking, if Jesus were alive now, he wouldn't necessarily be voting Republican."

This quote comes from a recent article in the Seattle Times called "Young, Evangelical . . . for Obama?" You know the drill. Many young evangelicals are becoming disillusioned by the Republican party and are becoming more independent than their forebears on the religious right. The article relates that most are not really jumping on the Democratic Party bandwagon, rather they are trying to find a middle way.

"I think a lot of Christians are having trouble getting behind everything the Republicans stand for," said Dudley, 20, a sophomore at Seattle Pacific University.

I can't imagine hearing this from an evangelical college student just four years ago. It makes me wonder how this election season has played out back in my very conservative, Republican former stomping grounds. I remember one of the older professors requesting prayer for Al Gore to win the 2000 election and most of the people who heard him thought he was off his rocker. Maybe he knew something none of us did?

I am always interested to know how the media deals with this type of information. How do you think the Seattle Times covered this story? Does it reflect your own evangelical neighborhood?

Nothing New, Except . . .

2008-05-11T18:40:00.004-05:00

I have talked a lot about spiritual identity lately. Often I feel a little bit like a freshwater fish in a saltwater pool. I really think this is mainly my presuppositions about what church or my life ought to be like. Truth is, I feel more at home (and have stated that many times on this very blog) now that I have joined with the United Methodist Church and moved to Florida. But the working out of "home" still has its difficulties. Maybe it is more the horror of growing up rather than the trauma of denominational/spiritual/philosophical life changes.

Anyway, so Thursday I had another meeting with my candidacy support group--those four of us who have started the ordination process together. I find these meetings valuable, but I must admit that part of me is dealing with a major struggle that has to do with identity again. We had to take this ministry personality profile and my highest were "Musician," "Scholar," and "Teacher." I have always been an academic person. I find great joy in the tedium of learning something new (and finding ways to impart it to others). I find that I am making excuses for this trait again, much like I might have in high school or undergraduate school. I feel on some subconscious level that I need to change who I am to fit the group better and that really is not the point of this process. I guess I do not really want to be the teacher's pet, but I am taking this process very seriously. There is no question for me whether or not I should do this anymore. Since most of my life has been filled with ministerial things, I have really just been waiting for the appropriate time to make it official. Now that I have found a fellowship that fits well, I am ready to get this thing done. Again, I am in need of more patience to deal with the process and allow it to deal with me. And I should probably stop over-analyzing myself or the group dynamic for that matter.

Friday, I actually got most of the day off for a change. Granted, I had to get several things ready for Elizabeth's 5th birthday party that night at the church. This meant that I had to go to Wal-Mart for the second time in two days. Thursday I had gone there to the optometrist and had to wait forever. I also saw my quota of short-bus riders for the quarter, but, again, I was at Wal-Mart. I mean, I actually saw one of the cashiers spill liquid detergent all over the scanner. How does one do that and live through it? I digress.

We decided more than a month ago that we would volunteer for the "Date Night" closest to Liz's birthday and commandeer the evening's regular festivities for a birthday party. So, we had a Disney princess bounce house, a playground, a room full of games, and 36 children to help "celebrate" Liz's big day. Of course, not every child was there for her big day, but she did not have to know that. She had a wonderful time with her friends, some cake, and some gifts. And now we will not have to volunteer to command the reins of the Date Night activity for another year.

Saturday, we took Elizabeth to Toys R Us and got her some fun things. I was very impressed that she did not feel a compulsion to buy every single thing in the store. Until her next meltdown, I will think she had matured. She also opened her gifts from Aunt Shannon, Mimi and Big Pa, and Aunt Jen and Uncle Lee.

Sunday was an unusual day. We had only one service and a special brunch to celebrate our ground breaking for the building the church plans to begin building this year. So, I got to sleep until almost 7:00 rather than getting up before 5:30. I was worried because we were doing some things different soundwise, but things went as they should have, there was a big crowd, and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. We were concerned it would rain, but thankfully, it did not. In fact, though the weather reports all said it would rain today, it never did. So before noon, we were all done and we had no evening activities so the rest of the day was mine. Sadly, we did not do anything exciting. Misty got a day to do nothing and I spent some time working through my Candidacy Guidebook.

Well, I guess that's about it. I am trying to figure out what to do with my Chinese money that I got from the IRS this past week. It will help pay for some bills and may have to go towards a new computer (my current one is about to go through my bedroom window). I am thinking of returning to the Mac cult after three years in the land of Windows. Please feel free to talk me out of it or not.

Spiritual Identity Crisis

2008-05-07T09:13:00.003-05:00

Well, it has been over a week since my last entry. Last week was rather quiet after the weekend passed into memory. Not much to report at all. I had a few quiet days in which I did little or nothing. They really did not help me as much as I would have liked, but we take what we can get when we can get it. Mostly, I read. I finished a short biography of Thomas Jefferson last week, and I read a book called Founding Faith about the faith lives of Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, John Adams, and James Madison. It was insightful. It has become important to me for some reason to understand what the Founders believed. Currently, I am reading a book about American history. I guess I am reading these books now because I subconsciously realize I will be tied up reading theological books for the next year or so while I work toward ordination.

After my quiet days, I had a good Sunday to make up for the one before. I had an amazing experience at our middle service. As I was singing, it took most of my resolve to not start crying through the communion service. My favorite chariskooky lady was there. She is a great encouragement to me just by her presence. I cannot say how lonely it feels sometimes to be the most Pentecostal person in the room. It is wonderful and discouraging all at the same time. Suddenly, during this service, I remembered what it felt like to be Pentecostal and to feel the imminent presence of the Lord. This is something that I seldom feel for several reasons. Mainly it is a personal issue, that I am so busy about the business of "church" that I do not have time to be aware of the presence of God. But, on the other side of this, I feel constrained (and this may only be a personal constraint) to keep things decent and in order. I am also afraid that no one would know what to do if the presence of the Holy Spirit was made manifest in one of our church services. Sadly, this is one of the major contributing factors to last week's struggles. I really need to be able to have some time in corporate worship without leading it. I guess right now that is just not a possibility.

In ordination process news: I completed another round of tests and questions for the candidacy process. This is not a difficult process, but I am still trying to look for some meaning in parts of it. Our pastor talks about giving the congregation meaningful experiences quite a bit, that if we can do this, the congregation will be more committed to the church's vision, etc. Well, I guess I want this process to be most meaningful because I look at it very seriously. My problem is that many of the questions these inventories have asked about are things that for me happened many years ago, like high school experiences. Most of these things I have blocked. And questions like "What was/were your most significant religious experience(s)?" I thought this questionnaire was going to be about family and academic issues only, rather than about more spiritual experiences. I think if I had known there would be questions like this, I might have prepared better (you know, reflected on my early life a little more). Remember, much of this process, especially in the beginning, is directed toward a young person thinking about ministry. But some of these long-ago experiences are still significant in my life as building blocks, I don't know that they accurately reflect my life now. For instance, the questionnaire asked which church denomination has influenced you the most. And, for my life, it would have to be the Assemblies of God. But, just because this church has been most influential in my life does not mean that I still hold the 16 Fundamentals dearly.

And I still wonder what the UMC thinks of the Pentecostal movement in general, but I cannot lie and say that the UMC has been influential in shaping my personal theology. And, truth be told, my own reading and study, coupled with my frustrations with Pentecostal doctrines, have influenced me more than any denominational teaching I ever received. Maybe I am taking this too seriously. And maybe I am really still in the midst of a spiritual identity crisis that has overtaken much of my life for the last ten years. Again, I am hopeful this will come to an end. But I wonder whether the end of the crisis is a good thing for me. If I ever become happy with what I believe, I wonder what might happen to me spiritually. I think the struggle is part of the journey for me. I feel closer to God in the struggle and wonder if no struggle means no connection to God. Scary.

In other news ~ I heard about this group affiliated with my favorite "church" Westboro Baptist Church, you know, the one that pickets at the abortion clinics and at the funerals of soldiers. Eunicure purports to be a 100% cure for homosexuality and other sexual sins. No comment.

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

2008-04-28T20:10:00.003-05:00

Well, this last weekend was eventful. Okay, so I had a wedding rehearsal Friday night and a wedding Saturday evening. That was pretty much normal for me. Sunday was miserable for several reasons that I will not go into on this blog, but suffice it to say it was a learning experience. Enough said.

But the weekend belonged to Emma Keaton, age 8. Friday afternoon Emma came in 2nd place in a cake decorating contest at her school. Her cake was in the shape of a baby blue Bay haven polo shirt. It was really cute. After my wedding rehearsal we went to see Emma's twirling recital with her "Majorettes" group. I still think it is funny that she is a twirler, but twirling is a big deal here so she is not mocked in the least. Well, she did well. She is probably one of the better twirlers on her squad, considering she does not really practice all that much. The big news of the night was that she was named "Little Miss Bay Haven Majorette Princess." This was the big all-around award for her age classification. She got a trophy, a sash and the all-important tiara.

Little did we know, but she was a winner elsewhere Friday night. I went to the Marina Civic Center earlier in the afternoon to view her art project for the annual art show. She was one of a few students per grade who were in the art show last year and we were really pleased with her "nomination." This year, they did a fund raiser and every child in school had an art project on display this time. I went to look for her painting, but it was not with her class. One of the art teachers goes to our church and helped me locate her piece and put it with the correct class. Well, long story short, she won 1st prize in her grade. We did not know that she won until Monday morning when they brought the paintings back to the school to distribute to the children. Needless to say, we were very proud of our little artist and "dancer." We took her out to Chili's tonight to celebrate her victories.

The only problem: Elizabeth does not quite understand why she cannot play with Emma's trophies. I am just waiting for Elizabeth to stash all of Emma's awards in the closet and pretend like nothing is wrong.

Thoughts on Calling

2008-04-28T18:07:00.004-05:00

As most of you know, I have begun to process to be ordained as a deacon in full connection in the United Methodist Church. I think this is a wonderful opportunity to continue my ministry in the church in a more "official" capacity without having to pigeonhole myself into a preaching ministry in order to be ordained. As a first step in the process we were asked to read a short book on calling and ordination within the UMC called The Christian as Minister. I read through it a couple of weeks ago and was not impressed, but I knew I would eventually find some significant nuggets and maybe a reason behind the drudgery. I had borrowed an older copy of the book but decided to order a more recent edition for myself. I got it last week and started reading and it began to speak to me more the second time around. There were still things that really do not pertain to me, primarily because the beginning stages of the process are really pointed toward a younger person who is considering a life's calling, not someone who has had some time to come to terms with God's call (this is especially true of the "Candidacy Guidebook" I received in the mail this past weekend).

Anyway, we were "required" to read this little book and explain why we thought God wanted us to read this book. I think God wanted me to read it in order to be submissive to this process. Like many former Pentecostals, I find that much of this feels beneath me spiritually. I have considered these things since I was very young. If we learned one thing in the Assemblies of God, it was to consider vocational calling to ministry. Been there. Bought the t-shirt. But the truth is, servant leadership is not about feeling superior, it is about opening myself up to the grand realization that I do not have all the answers (have you read this blog?), never did, and once I am ordained I still won't. But hopefully, I will be a better servant.

Second, I think God wanted me to "hear" the following quotations on servant leadership and calling. Some of them are more specifically geared to the deacons orders, but most of them are about service in general. I hope they are significant to you.

"It is only by hearing, answering and participating in the divine calling that I can come to know who I am. We are not who we think we are; we are who God calls us to be." Gilbert Meilaender

Imagine, God calls us to be something different than who we think we are. I think we attempt to place our calling within a framework that fits us. What we fail to realize, is God wants to break the model and remake us in His image. I want to know who I am, and the only way to do this is to allow God to break my preconceptions about myself and what my ministry ought to be.

"'The great leader is seen as servant first.' The difference between servant-first and leader-first 'manifests itself in the care taken by the servant-first to make sure that other people's highest priority needs are being served. The best test is: do those served grow as persons; do they, while being served, become healthier, wiser, freer, more autonomous.'" Robert K. Greenleaf

I think this is a true test of what each of us does in ministry. Are the people in our care better off with us in their lives than without us? Do we effect enough change in their worlds? Or do we allow God to manifest Himself through us enough that He makes a difference through us in the lives we touch each day? If we are not replicating ourselves in the lives of our people, are we effective minister/servants?

"Everybody can be great, because everybody can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You don't have to know about Plato and Aristotle to serve. You don't have to know Einstein's 'Theory of Relativity' to serve. You don't have to know the Second Theory of Thermal Dynamics in Physics to serve. You only need a heart full of grace, a soul generated by love, and you can be that servant." Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

This is one of my favorites, because Dr. King makes being a servant sound like the greatest job in the world. What is sad is often, because of education or whatever reason, we tend to believe we are better than being a servant, when Christ Himself took on the garb of a servant. Just like Jesus told Peter, "If I do not wash your feet, then you have no part in me." I guess it is the greatest position that we can have. To be a servant is to be the least of these, and to be the last allowed to go first.

"The early church . . . set apart other persons to care for the physical needs of others, reflecting the concerns for the people of the world. In the New Testament (Acts 6), we see the apostles identifying and authorizing persons to a ministry of service."

"Within the people of God, some persons are called to the ministry of deacon. The word deacon . . . spring[s] from a common Greek root--diakonos, or 'servant,' and diakonia, or 'service.' Very early in its history the church . . . instituted an order of ordained ministers to personify or focus the servanthood to which all Christians are called. These people were named deacons. This ministry exemplifies and leads the Church in the servanthood every Christian is called to live both in the church and the world. The deacon embodies the interrelationship between worship in the gathered community and service to God in the world. " Book of Discipline of the United Methodist Church

I am looking forward to this journey with joy and hesitation, but I definitely believe it is the right thing. I see it as another step towards "home."

Failure to Love

2008-04-25T14:32:00.002-05:00

This has been one of the most hectic I have had since before Easter. It seems like I have had something significant to do all day every day and every night as well. We had a dinner for new or prospective church members Monday night. I had my regular rehearsals Tuesday night. Wednesday is always full. Thursday evening, besides being Misty's birthday, the handbell choir played for our older adult monthly get-together. And tonight I have a wedding rehearsal and a twirling recital to attend. Tomorrow is the school spring carnival and I have a wedding tomorrow night. At least I am almost finished with my teaching for the semester. I just have to turn in final grades next week and I will be done for the Spring. This Sunday will be a less stressful one in some ways because our youth worship team will be leading at the 9:30 service and our older ladies choral group will be singing at the other services, so I will be able to just enjoy the services this Sunday. Granted, I will likely be more on edge this Sunday because I am not in control of everything that is going on. Sad.

I sang for a funeral on Tuesday afternoon for a man who died a sinner. The pastor didn't mince any words. It was short and compassionate, but truthful. I don't want to do that again anytime soon. It was a whole lot of misery.

I came to the stunning realization that my grandmother is old now. Granted, I knew she would turn 87 this May, but she has always seemed much younger than her age. Well, she fell through the bleachers at an athletic event this past week. She did not really do much damage to herself, but I guess she passed out.

I saw something stupid this week. We have these "exempt" train tracks that cross a street that I drive on most every day. They are exempt because they are impassable. There is so much overgrowth and I believe the tracks end only a few yards from the street. Every time a school bus passes theses tracks it stops. I know the law, but it is silly to stop at train tracks when there is no way possible for a train to be even in the vicinity of these useless tracks.

I don't know if you are familiar with Ayaan Hirsi Ali. She is a former Muslim who is a member of the Dutch Parliament and has had death threats from radical Islamists due to her anti-Islamic film about female circumcision. Last week I heard her say something to this effect: "Religion can be good. But one should never use religion to take away the rights of others." Her comments reminded me of something I read not too long ago and cannot remember where. It went something like this: "The church's greatest sin may be its failure to love." When we fail to love, we knowingly and unknowingly allow our rights to supersede the rights of others. When we fail to love, we miss out on opportunities to be Christ to our homes, our communities, our world. When we fail to love, we miss the entire point of the Gospel. "He who does not love, does not know God, for God is love." (I John 4:8)

I am still working this one out. I have had several opportunities thrust upon me this week to love the unlovable or to counsel with those who need a listening ear or to hold out hope that someone will surprise me by doing the right thing without being prodded to do so. So, on top of all the administrative things I did this week, I am exhausted from giving of myself in a more personal way. And, sadly, this has meant I have had less to give to my family this week. I hope to be able to balance this better in the coming weeks.

Days of Silence, Well, Sort Of

2008-04-18T10:02:00.003-05:00

The past couple of days have been really quirky. Thursday morning I get the girls ready, drive to the church, get out of the car only to realize that one of them had gotten something all over my pants. So, I took them to their classes and did some prep work for Sunday and then decided to go home and change. It was about 10:45 when I got home and I thought, hey, I will run a little while, start a load of laundry and then have lunch and go back to the church. Well, the power went off almost immediately after I started the laundry and did not come back on for about two hours. Worst part of it, I could not get the car out of the garage because the power was off. Some of you may say, "You do know you can open the door without the garage door opener?" And I say, of course. But we had some trouble with the door last year and I was afraid that it would not work right again so I was stuck. Finally the power did come back on and I was able to get some of the things started that I wanted to do, but my day was spent in nothingness.

Thursday night I went with several of our church staff to visit with Chris Cook, a UMC Elder, who will serve as our mentor through the ordination process. I like her and I think things will go well. My only concern is that I do not take this process too fast. I am really motivated to finish this process as soon as possible and get on to the theological schooling part. I do not really want to take any courses, but I look at it as a means to get away for a while and have some time to myself from time to time. I read a book on Christian ministry for the next meeting in a couple of weeks and I have to write an essay on why I needed to read it and what God taught me through it. That will be interesting, since I did not get much from the first go round. I think my biggest problem is I have been involved in ministry for so long, these things that "new" ministers need to consider have long ago been considered. I had to take a test on ministry skills, likes and dislikes which is meant for someone who does not know if they want to be in ministry for sure or not. I keep hearing this "One size fits all" rationale to the early stages of this process, not that anyone thinks that is the best way, but it definitely is the way of the UMC. But I believe more than ever that this is the thing I should be doing at this point in my life.

This morning, we were awakened to Madeline's panicked cries. She was throwing up. It was just 3:00. I cannot tell you how tired I am from dealing with sick children all the time. It has become a weekly issue. She really is doing better in general, and since the dog has been out of our house, her allergies have been less severe. But, this week and the week before last she spent 2 mornings throwing up her guts. This time was worse. She does not want to eat or drink anything. I just hope she does not give it me if it is contagious. So, again, I am stuck in my house with little to do. Maybe God knew I needed a break and forced me to take one these last couple of days.

One other peculiar thing that happened to me this week~I have had two people accept my invitation to join Facebook and I do not know who they are. How has this happened?

In other news~

1. Is it just me, or has the national news media finally realized that poverty and hunger are staggering right now? I have seen a couple of news reports and read an article in the New York Times about hunger and the political ramifications of allowing food prices to skyrocket. I heard that food prices in general have risen 47% over the last year and I believe it. I have noticed lately that our grocery bills are extremely high and yet we are not buying near as much as we did last year or the year before. Even our faithful green friends who only buy organic products are having to reconsider these choices because the prices are going up so much. I worry about gasoline prices and what effect this is having on every other aspect of society, especially when I routinely pay close to or more than $3.50 a gallon. And I am tired of people asking the presidential candidates what they are going to do about gas prices. Really, what can they do?

2. Is anyone else amazed that the Pope met with sex abuse victims yesterday in Washington, D. C.? I was astonished that he has finally come to terms with the gravity of the situation and is willing to start a dialogue. I don't know if anything will come from it, but sometimes it is important for the victims to know that someone hears their cry for help and justice.

3. In other religious news~I am fascinated with this polygamist sect in Texas and the fate of their children. I want to go on record by saying these people are kooks, but it looks like, on the whole they love their children. I think it is horrible how they were taken away from them. I don't think what they are doing is right, but I don't think they are in a totally abusive situation either. Why couldn't they remove the girls who were pregnant and leave the rest until something more permanent could be decided? This has all happened the same week that the New York Times announced that Oklahoma has the worst record of abuse in any state foster care system. Too many children and not enough case workers or money to help foster parents, not to mention the random abuse and neglect and all the moving around. With as much trouble as the foster care system has in general, it makes me wonder why it was necessary to take these hundreds of children away from kooky, but nurturing mothers.

4. And finally, I have been watching this HBO miniseries on John Adams that ends this Sunday evening. It has been fascinating to watch because the creators have demystified the Founders in such a way as to make them real people. It is well-documented and entertaining and has set me on this trek to know what the Founders really believed about God and the creation of the USA. Part of this interest lies in trying to understand the tenets of my former life. In the evangelical world we talk about how all of the Founders were true believers in Christ and wanted to build a religious nation, the whole "one nation under God" thing. And, for the most part I always accepted this notion. It was heartwarming and made for some great 4th of July moments. But when I really began to read what they said some things began to clang as untrue.

For instance, back in 2002 Misty and Emma and I took a spur of the moment trip to D. C. and on the way we stopped at Monticello in Charlottesville, Virginia to see Thomas Jefferson's estate. We enjoyed it very much and as I like to do, I bought a copy of his version of the Gospels. Of course I knew what I would find, a book with all of the miraculous things taken out of it, leaving only the sayings of Jesus. I have heard some ministers talk ill of Jefferson, but they hold all of the others in such high esteem. But the truth is most of them were Deists or Unitarians who denied the divinity of Christ. Sure they believed in God, but their God was not really the God of the Bible. They were moral, effective, and vibrant leaders with keen minds into the psyche of their times, but they were not "Christians" in the liberal or evangelical sense. Even George Washington is in this camp. True, he did attend church, but he left before Communion was served most every time, which would indicate he was never confirmed as a member.

I guess I do not understand why we have to take things and propagandize them for our own benefit. This notion of "Take back the nation for God" concerns me and would have concerned the Founders. They understood the need to separate church and state (and I know this phrase is not in the Constitution, but it was their belief) not only to keep the church free from state interference (which is the side most evangelicals harp on) but to keep the state free of church interference as well. Now, I believe every Christian should vote and demand justice in the country and in the world and take action against evil, but when religion is too embroiled in politics, it becomes less and less about faith and more and more about believers' rights.

Part of my problem is I do not like basing even part of my faith on something that is empirically untrue. When I hear Christian educators and ministers talk about the Christianity of the Founders, it sounds more to me like they are trying to appeal to the Founders as a group that all Americans admire and, since they were Christians, then evangelicals are in the right because they are in the camp of the Founders. It sounds like a subtle way to enhance the profile of evangelicals as the closest in ideals to the Founders and I think this is completely untrue.

Here is a link to another blog I like that dealt with something very similar today.

Okay, rant over. Now I have to tend to my littlest angel.